Mayte
I MEET AUGGIE AT THE FRONT STEPS OF THE SCHOOL AND I’M SURPRISED to see him in the jeans I ripped up and the blue sweater I had him try on.
He looks handsome, and there are butterflies in my stomach, and I don’t say anything as we walk to his car together.
I jump in the passenger seat and pick at my nails as he gets behind the wheel.
“Do you have the stuff?”
He nods at his backpack in the back seat. “Yep.” Then he looks over at me and asks, “Where are we going? And why are you being weird?”
“I’m not being weird,” I say.
“Sure, whatever,” he says, backing out of the parking lot.
I’m definitely being weird. I know I am, but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea, to think that I don’t want to do what I’m about to do.
Obviously I’m terrified, and maybe trying to hide that goes against the point, but it’s not natural for me to just wear my emotions right on my sleeve.
I put them in pockets and then find them unexpectedly a month later, after I do laundry, when they’re so melted and mushed up that I can’t even remember where they came from.
I tell him which turns to make, and when it finally hits him where we’re going, it’s obvious; his left leg starts to bounce while he waits at a red light.
He pulls into the parking lot of the graveyard, driving slow as if trying not to wake anyone.
We grab our bags from the car and walk in silence through the grass and gravestones until we finally come to hers. There are a couple bouquets of wilted, multicolored flowers, their stems starting to gather mold, and a colorful pastel stuffed dinosaur that seems to have struggled in the weather.
I sit down in front of it and Auggie sits beside me, staring at the tiny slab of concrete.
Aida’s headstone is nowhere near as big as the ones surrounding it.
It’s about the size of my laptop screen.
I had no idea how expensive the normal-size ones were, and when my tías and mom saw the price, they all seemed to think the little one would be enough.
Here among the rest, it feels almost disrespectful.
I swallow and take a deep breath. Open my mouth. No words come out.
Talk, I tell myself. You came here to say something, didn’t you? To him, to her, to someone. And now you’re just sitting here with your mouth open like you used to do when she first moved in. Why can’t you just—
“Um…” Auggie starts. “I… um… hi, Aida. You… uh… you never got to meet me when you were alive, which I sometimes think is for the best because I have the feeling Mayte always made fun of me to you and so I think you would’ve just laughed when you saw me.”
I turn to look at him.
“Which is fair. I definitely deserve to be made fun of, I think, but… uh…” He unzips his backpack and reveals two ziplock bags, one filled with pink and yellow Starbursts, the other filled with orange and red Skittles, and he sets those and a brown lip balm in the grass.
“You must’ve liked these because I think Mayte wanted me to get them for you. ”
It takes me a moment to pull my eyes from him, to reach into my own bag and pull out the pink nail polish we’d both used the first time I did her nails, the fruity lip balms, and Buttercup.
I turn to the headstone again. Open my mouth. Still nothing.
“Mayte?” Auggie says. He puts his hand on my knee, and my body breaks out in goose bumps.
“I… I don’t know why I can’t say anything,” I whisper to him, as if Aida is really sitting in front of us and I don’t want her to hear me.
“I mean, you haven’t talked to her in a while,” Auggie says. “Sometimes I’m a little awkward if I haven’t talked to someone in a while.”
“But she’s dead,” I say. “I’m not even really talking to her.” I point to the tiny concrete slab. “That’s a grave. I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know why I wanted to do this.” I try to get up, but Auggie pulls closer and wraps his arms around me. I realize I’ve started to cry.
“Hey,” he says into my hair. “Hey, I’m right here. I’ve got you.”
And then I just let go.
Tears stream from my eyes and I don’t try to stop them this time.
I’m gasping and sobbing, and after a few minutes of this, I start to gag and Auggie loosens his grip on me.
He rubs circles on my back and breathes deeply.
I can feel my own breathing trying to mirror his, but more sobs break up my attempts at calm.
“You’ve been so strong,” he says to me.
“No, I haven’t,” I say. “I’ve wanted to cry like this the whole time.
And my mom has been crying and my dad locks himself in his room whenever he gets home and Abuelita is just so ready to talk to someone about everything, but I just keep trying to escape and I’m not taking care of them the way I always have, and I was a horrible sister and now I’m a horrible daughter and a horrible granddaughter and—”
“What are you talking about?” Auggie asks. “Every time you told me about Aida, it sounded like you had so much fun with her. Watching movies after school. Doing her hair.”
I start to cry harder. “I was always so upset that I couldn’t hang out with my friends when she started living with us.
And when I did her nails, I never paid as much attention to detail as I did to my own nails, and I gave her the gross lip balms and I picked out my favorite candy flavors and gave her the rest and I was so selfish and so cruel and sometimes—” He sets his hand on top of mine, and I don’t deserve it.
“Sometimes I thought about how when my parents died I would probably have to take care of Aida, and I didn’t want to do that.
I know that’s horrible. I know that’s so evil and such a betrayal of my family and so—”
“Human?” Auggie says.
“It doesn’t feel human. It feels horrible.”
He shrugs. “I think no matter how much I loved my sister, that would freak me out. I love Kate, but if I knew I had to take care of her for the rest of our lives, that would make me feel trapped.”
“Trapped,” I say. I look up at him. “Auggie, I feel so trapped. I love my family more than anything, but they look right through me, and yet I know I’m still supposed to love them.
I’m still supposed to take care of them.
I know… I know it doesn’t even matter if I wanted to go to college because if Aida would’ve been alive I would’ve had to stay home to help care for her, and now that she’s dead I have to stay home to help care for my parents because they’re… they’re not well. They need me.”
“Do you want to go to college?” Auggie asks.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I can’t even think about that. Like, I don’t even want to let myself think about that because I can’t let myself want something I know I can’t have.”
He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear and our eyes meet. “Mayte,” he whispers.
I turn toward the gravestone.
“Hi. I don’t know if you would even want to talk to me or hear from me because I know I wasn’t a very good sister.
I… I wasn’t even there when you died. I was drunk at a party, and I feel guilty about that every single day.
” I reach for the bags Auggie brought and my own items. “I… um… I brought you a few things. A few things I wish I would’ve given you when you were alive.
” I start to set them out on top of the gravestone.
“Here’s some red Skittles and some pink Starbursts because I always saved them for myself and gave you the gross ones.
Here’s the pink nail polish you liked that I never painted perfectly enough for you.
And here are all the fruity lip balms that I hid from you because I wanted them, even though I barely even wear lip balm, and I gave you those horrible chocolate ones.
And here’s Buttercup, because I know you always secretly wanted to steal her from me, and that’s okay.
” I stare at the colors sprawled out on the concrete.
“There. I… I hope you like them. I’m sorry I didn’t give them to you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t better for you. I’m so sorry, Aida.
I’m so sorry.” I start to sob again. “And I brought the bad flavors of candy and chocolate lip balm because I think I deserve them because I always gave them to you, and if I treated you like you didn’t deserve the best, then…
then I think I deserve the non-best, too, because we’re sisters and—” I can’t speak anymore.
I’m crying so hard that I start to gag again.
“Mayte,” Auggie says, taking me in his arms once more.
“You gave her so much. When she was alive and now. That’s so kind.
That’s so generous. You are…” I look at him and he’s staring into my eyes and I’m staring into his and I touch his cheek.
“You are the most incredible person I’ve ever met in my life. ”
I shake my head, our eyes still stuck on each other.
His snarky, goofy smile starts to crawl onto his face. “I think you’re right that Aida doesn’t deserve chocolate lip balm, but I don’t think you do either.”
I laugh through the tears.
“I think you deserve entire packs of red Skittles and pink Starbursts, just like your sister does,” he says.
My heart catches in my throat.
“Aida,” Auggie says, turning to her grave. “I think you were so lucky to have her as your sister. And from everything she’s told me about you, I think she was lucky to have you too.”
“I was,” I say. “I was so blessed to have you. Even if we just lived together for a little bit. I wanted to spend time with my friends, but I had so much fun with you. I was so jealous of your hair.” I laugh.
“You have the thick hair and the pretty skin. You actually looked like you fit into our family, you know? Como una colombiana. I never feel like I fit. I wish I could’ve seen your hair grow out.
I wish I could’ve put makeup on you. I wish we could’ve had more time, no matter how scared I was of it.
” I trace her name on the gravestone. “Aida, I love you so much.”