Leo
“Iknow this look.” Kai offers me a paper cup full of coffee as we wait for any customer to enter through the door. Nadia is sitting on one of the booths at the far end of the bar, with her laptop open and working remotely as she usually does during the week she stays with us.
“What look?” I pretend I don’t understand. I take a sip of the coffee he offered me, and for a moment it soothes my anxiety in a way. Isn’t it supposed to do the opposite?
“It’s been years since she broke things off.” Kai starts and I turn toward him.
“I know.” I whisper.
“I know you are not still caught up on her, and I know the only reason you get depressed when she visits is the way she ended it.” Kai says softly.
“You have to know she didn’t mean it the way it sounded.
She just wanted to wake you up. I agree with her, you know.
You torment yourself still for something you did years ago.
Something that had to be done. You saved your mom.
We both wish we could have done the same.
She never judged you for it. I never judged you for it. ”
“I judge me.” I take another sip. “I. JUDGE. ME.” I say louder.
I barely hold my tears at bay. Every word stings to admit, but it’s the truth.
I judge me. I judge my actions. I judged the fact that I was weak.
I couldn’t protect her sooner, and when I did, everything was ruined. I ruined my own family. I am a monster.
“I know you do.” His hand rests on my shoulder, and he gives me a light squeeze.
It’s a small gesture that says he means everything he is saying.
I know he does, but it’s still hard for me to accept it.
I am a murderer even if I didn’t mean for it to happen.
Even if I didn’t want to do it. Even if my father deserved it.
A killer is still a killer, despite the reason or motive.
It doesn’t matter if you were protecting someone or found enjoyment in the act.
You are still a killer if you took a life.
That’s who I am. That’s who I will always be.
“Maybe you should call Noah.” Kai’s voice breaks me from my thoughts.
“Why?” I know the reason he is telling me to call him.
He has noticed that every time I see Noah, my mood changes.
I am happier. I feel more calm. It’s a change that you can easily notice compared to my usual grumpy self.
I have noticed it too. “Will you call Rachel?” I ask, pushing the same buttons he is.
“I will.” We both know he won’t. He is punishing himself for being too obsessed with her.
“When Nadia leaves, I will.” He promises, and maybe deep down, he believes his own lies.
I am not too worried about it; from the little I have seen, Rachel isn’t the woman who will let him go without a fight.
Soon enough, we will find her on our doorstep.
“Maybe you should introduce her to your sister, man. She seems like a good fit for you. Give her a true chance.” Rachel might be the only woman who can handle Kai’s unhinged impulses. The way their story started tells me everything I need to know. This woman is the female version of my friend.
“Call him.” Kai tells me finally as he abandons his seat and walks toward his sister.
I watch him as he takes the seat beside her and gives her a tight hug.
I always loved seeing how close he is with her.
I never had a chance for this bond with family.
I crashed every chance I would ever have when I killed my father.
Even if Kai feels like family, I still wish I had a real one.
A blood bond like the one he has with Nadia.
Maybe that’s why her visits bring so much sadness to me.
The fact that she reminds me she was right only by being here.
Her existence screams in my face the truth about myself.
I am a monster and I don’t deserve to be loved.
Noah should stay away from me. I won’t call him, as much as I want to; he deserves better.