Chapter 24 #2
He let out a bark of surprised laughter.
‘Oh, you mean to say that greed is not rational, and that a person who feels hard done by can never be satisfied, I collect? Well, you are right, of course. Perhaps we are destined to suspect each other, and there is no remedy for it. I should bid you goodnight, Miss Constantine, and leave you to enjoy your peace, which I have so rudely disturbed.’
She should let him leave, and go in to bed herself.
But she found she was taking pleasure in all this plain speaking, and did not want to put an end to it.
No doubt it was the novelty of it that appealed to her, and nothing more.
‘Does the house have secret passages or priests’ holes?
’ she asked him abruptly. ‘I would expect you of all people to know.’
He sighed and said, as if the admission cost him something, ‘If we are to prolong our discussion, ma’am, do you think we might sit down?
There is a tree trunk over there, as you can see, washed up by a great winter storm a few years ago, upon which it is possible to perch and rest. My leg becomes disagreeably stiff after too much standing.
I am trying to be more honest about such things, and admit my weaknesses, when I must acknowledge that they are already perfectly obvious to others, and certainly to you, so that any attempt at concealment is pure folly. ’
Cecilia could only murmur agreement, and so they made their way over to the great stranded tree, which showed itself bleached white in the moonlight. They sat down, not too close to each other, but near enough to converse in comfort without raising their voices.
He said musingly, ‘Of course I have always wondered about the possibility of concealed rooms and so on, and my brother and I spent a good deal of time searching, when we were children. It was our chief occupation when we came to visit, and Aunt Augusta was happy to indulge us in it. The Hall is very much the sort of place that would have such exciting secrets, and the old family that owned it – before it passed by marriage to the Pallants and then was sold to the Alberys – were recusant Catholics, or so the local people say. We never found anything, for all our persistence, and I never heard that Mrs Albery or Mrs Pritty did either. Of course, the old lady would have told us, knowing our interest, even if she’d had any chamber or door she found closed up for safety.
Is that how you fear your mysterious intruder gained entrance? ’
‘It seems an obvious possibility. But we have searched too, and found nothing, except for the little hidden space in the library, which we were able to open.’
She could hear a rare smile in his voice. ‘I know it well. Aunt Augusta used to hide treats for us there sometimes, when we were small. We were very fond of her, for all her eccentricity. Did she really never try to communicate with you?’
Cecilia shrugged, her sleeve brushing the Major’s caped overcoat.
‘She easily could have done, as must be obvious, but she did not. Mr Cotwin and Mrs Pritty both said that she delighted in the bizarre idea of surprising us after her death. My mother – though this will hardly improve your opinion of us – thinks that she might with advantage have surprised us much sooner, perhaps when our father died and left us in a deal of anxiety. My sisters have been supporting us, essentially, out of their own funds for several years. They could afford it, and did not grudge it for a moment, but it was… not ideal, for any of us. They all have several children each, and therefore many other demands upon their resources.’
‘It can never be pleasant to feel yourself dependent on another, however willing they are to have it so,’ he said with unexpected sympathy and acuity.
‘I have discovered as much, in a different way, since I was wounded. I was ill with a persistent fever for a long time, and weak as a kitten for many months afterwards. My mother nursed me with great devotion, and I did not make it pleasant for her. I am still not restored to the even, sunny temper I once had, and perhaps I never will be, however much I exercise and try to walk off my ill humour.’
She laughed, muffling her amusement with one ungloved hand. ‘You, even-tempered, sir? It seems most unlikely, when I have always found you to be much more like a bear with a sore head. And yet I suppose I must believe it, if you tell me so.’
After a moment in which Cecilia became suddenly freshly conscious of how alone they were, out here in the growing darkness, Major Bartrum said with an odd, uncertain note in his voice, ‘That is the second time today that I’ve thought you might be flirting with me. Are you?’
‘Can’t you tell?’ She could easily have said no, even put on a fine show of indignation at the outrageous suggestion. Apparently, she was, then. Flirting.
‘I would have been able to once; if I’d asked such a question, it would have been because I already knew the answer, which would usually have been yes, if a lady was being honest. I was a great flirt, once upon a time – it’s in the nature of a game, isn’t it, where both players know the rules? But I am afraid I have forgotten them.’
‘I have had four full London Seasons, and in the way of things, flirting does occasionally occur there, so perhaps I gained a little skill at it. I would have been most uncomfortable if I had not, like my poor sister Allegra, who must always say exactly what she thinks, and absolutely hated being a debutante as a result. But the stakes were so very high – marriage, you know, and a woman’s precious reputation and her future.
That is all behind me now; I don’t have to concern myself about such horrid things any more.
I am still exploring all the implications of that, I think. ’
‘Now you have your independence, Miss Constantine.’
‘Yes, in both senses of the word. Financial independence, and the new sense of freedom that comes from having it, and being obliged to rely upon nobody in the world.’
‘You do not mean to marry, then?’
She could have told him of her circumstances, of Mrs Albery’s will, but it was a little awkward, indelicate even, and so she did not do so. ‘Not at present, nor for a long while. Maybe never, I don’t know. What about you, sir?’
She had overstepped, she realised immediately.
Gravely so. The fragile intimacy that had seemed to be growing up between them had vanished in an instant.
His voice was arctic once more when he replied.
‘Of course not. Do not put me to the trouble of telling you why; it must be perfectly obvious even to a person of the meanest intelligence, and whatever you are, ma’am, you are not that. ’
He had been betrothed, she remembered, and his fiancée had spurned him after his wounding and his illness.
She had hurt him too, now, stabbed him in that same raw, sore place with her careless, thoughtless words, and utterly shattered the new and undeniably pleasant feeling of closeness that had been growing so unexpectedly between them. However could she put it right?
There was no going back. There could be only forwards.
‘You believe no woman could want you, now that you are scarred.’ They were dreadful words, blunt and hurtful, and they hung in the air between them.
She’d not have dared to voice them a month ago; she could scarcely credit the fact that she had uttered them aloud now.
Nor could he, it seemed. His deep voice was vibrating with pain and barely suppressed anger.
‘I believe it, Miss Constantine, because I know it to be true. I only need look in the mirror, and I have been given further proof of it, if such proof had indeed been needed, by the woman who was to be my wife, and is now wedded to another. He is an officer with a fine, handsome face and strong body such as I once had, and never will again. No facile words of sympathy can alter that, so do not trouble yourself to give voice to them.’
‘I won’t,’ she said, standing and shaking out her skirts.
‘I won’t apologise, either. That would be empty words too, I know.
I’ve said I don’t mean to marry, at least for a long while; I’ve told you how much I value my new liberty, and exactly why.
So I’m certain you won’t take it the wrong way, Major Bartrum, if I say that I would like to kiss you, here on this tree trunk in the gathering darkness.
And nobody need ever know. I promise I will not tell them. ’
The silence that thickened between them after this extraordinary statement was filled with tension. Several different sorts of tension.
‘No, madam,’ he growled. ‘You will excuse me if I appear ungrateful for your very kind offer, but I assure you that pity is the very last thing in the world I require, even if its bitter taste might be sweetened with a kiss.’
‘I’m not offering that. I’ve never kissed anyone out of pity, and I don’t mean to start now.
That seems like a most disagreeable and foolish thing for anyone to do.
’ Clearly, the ability to speak freely was intoxicating, and could lead to all sorts of unexpected consequences.
Cecilia wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen next, but suddenly, she knew exactly what she wanted, and would state it aloud.
To hell with caution and proper behaviour and everything that had constrained her life up to this date.
Could she not claim a little pleasure for herself?
‘I am a free woman of two and twenty, obligated or bound to nobody in the whole wide world, certainly to no man. My mother is a hundred miles away, we are alone here in the night, and I would very much like to kiss you. But I perfectly understand if you don’t want me to, Major, as is your right, and shall bid you goodnight. ’