49. Unsent
SOUNDTRACK: Sound of Silence by Lexxi Saal and NOCTURN.
~ brIDGET ~
It was done. The wheels were in motion, and wouldn’t stop now until this was over—one way, or another.
Nerves made my stomach trill, and that made me nauseous.
I thought of my dream and picked up my phone, tapping into my text messages to find a specific thread.
SAM NOTPRIEST
Even looking at his name made me swallow a pinch in my throat.
ME: If only I met you first, I wonder if this would have gone differently?
He replied almost immediately.
SAM NOTPRIEST: Bridget, what’s going on? Are you safe?
ME: As safe as I will ever be. I was just thinking about you. I dreamed about you last night.
I wondered if I imagined that his lips pulled up in that adorable half-smile when he read that, or if that was some kind of prescient sight that God gave me because my heart might stop soon.
SAM NOTPRIEST: Oh? What kind of dream?
ME: It doesn’t matter. I just wanted you to know that.
SAM NOTPRIEST: I can’t tell if you’re flirting or warning me. You’re making me nervous.
ME: Don’t be. This is me being my normal not-normal self.
SAM NOTPRIEST: Are we still on for Sunday? I’ll come sooner if you want to.
ME: Said every man, always.
SAM NOTPRIEST: You just made me spit my coffee.
ME: Then my work here is done.
SAM NOTPRIEST: Bridget, seriously, what’s going on?
I silenced my phone and slipped it into my pocket, because looking at his name was making me sad. I had a very busy day of pacing my house ahead, waiting to see if Cain was on the hunt. Wondering how my life would be different if I’d had a different dad.
I tried to imagine the world where my father had never existed.
Would I even be me?
Would I still have ended up here? Torn between Cain’s claws and Jeremy’s cage?
God, I’d love to put Cain in Jeremy’s cage and see who’d win.
My heart said Cain was stronger, that he had more to fight for. But I knew Jeremy had been honed like a weapon. He couldn’t be underestimated.
For a little while, I entertained myself with a parody of superheroes, imagining Jeremy and Cain as rival villains, duking it out to win the heart of the damsel in distress. Namely, me.
Except, it was kind of impossible to see myself just sitting by, watching that happen.
And Sam kept cropping up, intruding on my little fantasy. Because, even though I had turned off the ringer so my phone wasn’t making any noise, it was getting heavier with every passing minute. And I knew… I knew he was trying to reach me. And I had to make sure he didn’t. Because he was brave. And he was good. And if he had even an inkling of the shitshow that was about to descend on my life, he’d try to save me from it, and no doubt get himself killed in the process.
Sam would never play the hero in a villain story. He was the wise man. The loveable advisor and friend. The one who got killed in the third act so everyone cried, but could still cheer for the hero.
And I couldn’t do that to him.
An image swam into focus in my mind. Sam standing in front of his car, leaning back on it, watching me, smiling a little and holding up that bag of food.
He was strong, and confident, and… uncertain of himself with me.
I hated that I did that to him.
I wondered if he knew that it was just because I was so damned uncertain of myself, I didn’t know where to begin with anyone else.
That was why I belonged with Cain. Cain was just as broken as me. There was no uncertainty, because there were no boundaries.
Cain wouldn’t ask me on a date. He’d break into my house and slip into my bed with no warning.
Cain wouldn’t take me to a restaurant and pull out my chair. Cain would throw me over the hood of the car and fuck me from behind.
Sam thought that was a bad thing, but it wasn’t.
Sam was too good to understand if I tried to explain this. He’d fixed his own life, so he’d think he could fix mine. He wouldn’t accept that my monsters were finally catching up with me and there were too many of them for me to win.
I thought of Sam at that restaurant again, probably stretching his thin resources to pay for that meal, but doing it because he wanted to be a gentleman—because he was trying to make himself new. He had been dark—I could sense that in him. It was still there. But… muted.
Fading.
While my darkness just got bigger, and deeper.
It was good that I would stop showing up in his life. I would have destroyed him in the end. And I didn’t want to. Surprisingly, I liked his light. I didn’t want to drag him back down into the depths with me, like some horrific predator.
For once, I would do something good for someone else, and let Sam go.
I wouldn’t answer that text.
I wouldn’t confirm Sunday.
He’d never hear from me again. And even though it would suck, he’d get over it.
In a few months, he’d meet someone else. Someone lighter. And he’d be grateful that I let him go, like I was grateful that he’d shown up, because he’d given me a little bit of light in an otherwise dark world.
So, in my mind, I said goodbye to Sam. Then, I took my phone out and blocked his number, which wiped the message thread.
Then, in a burst of inspiration, cursing that I didn’t have a cell phone number for Cain anymore, I darted back to my office and the computer and got into the forum. I quickly tapped out the message, praying he’d see it quickly, even though his profile wasn’t showing online.
---
***SYSTEM NOTE: CHAT ENCRYPTED END-TO-END. ENSURE ALL ACCOUNTS ARE LOGGED OFF BEFORE DISCONNECTING.***
DeadGirlWalking: I have a story I want to tell you. About why I don’t want to live through another Christmas. Maybe… maybe you could come for me and we could talk first? Then I’ll run and you’ll hunt and this will be over. One way or another, I need it to be over, Cain.
DeadGirlWalking: Something happened a long time ago and my heart and my head got love mixed up with darkness, and now I can’t find love anywhere. Only the dark. But I need both. I’m not a mushroom. I’m a plant. I need light like I need air, and I haven’t found light in a long time.
DeadGirlWalking: I feel like you’re like me. I feel like we understand each other. That’s why I wanted to change the plan. I had this crazy idea that maybe if we shared the shadows, the dark would get a little thinner. But the truth is, I’d rather be connected to you forever in the next life, than living in this hollow nothing without you. So… come. Come talk to me at my house and then we can figure it out from there.
---
I sat there, breathing too quick, eyes alight, my hands poised over the keyboard… but then I read it all back and it was just… just meandering gibberish. Just irrational verbal diarrhea.
Stupid.
He’d think I was just trying to manipulate him again.
And as I sat there, ready to crack my chest and open my ribcage to the world just to show him my heart… the darkness weighed down.
His online light never came back.
He didn’t reply.
And I lost my nerve.
DeadGirlWalking unsent a message.
DeadGirlWalking unsent a message.
DeadGirlWalking unsent a message.
I turned off the computer and started to pace again. Waiting.
I wished I didn’t feel so sad.
I wished the clock moved faster.
By the time the sun was starting to go down, my heart wasn’t even beating hard anymore. I was just tired.
And Cain still wasn’t here.
I had to accept that he might never come. He might have given up. And there was nothing I could do about it.
I could hear Sam’s voice in my head, saying whatever came was God choosing for me. For a reason.
If that’s true, God, I just want you to remember: I did the right thing. I kept Sam out of this.
Around seven, as the sun began to dip and the shadows lengthened outside, my nerves came back a little. I walked back to my bedroom and pulled out the black athletic clothes Cain had told me to get for a hunt. I slipped my phone in the pocket on the side of the leggings, zipped the stretchy shirt all the way up to my chin, slipped on the black shoes with good, wide soles for traction and better ankle support.
I didn’t take any weapons.
Most women never understood that when you were fighting a stronger foe, more often than not, they’d just take any weapon from you and use it against you.
I wasn’t ignorant. It wouldn’t happen to me.
I also didn’t take food.
Or water.
What was the point?
As twilight descended, I got in the car and drove right to the park.
It was going to close at full dark.
I purposefully left my car in a very obvious spot, so no one could miss it. I ignored the shifting shadows under the trees that hid Cain’s eyes. I was almost certain of it.
Or was that just my hope talking?
As I got out, the sky was turning bright orange and purple overhead. It gilded the trees in gold, and turned the grass lavender.
I sighed.
Was this the last sunset I’d ever see? If so, it was a pretty one.
Before I took the first step away from the car, I hesitated.
For a long breath, I seriously considered calling the whole thing off.
But no matter what angle I looked at this from, the end result was the same.
That’s the thing with monsters… the only way to beat them is with a bigger monster. A truth my mother discovered to her own detriment.
I had always vowed I wasn’t going to go out wailing in a puddle of my own blood and piss the way she had.
I shuddered and pushed the images from my mind.
Then I started down the trail into the forest.
And I never looked back. Because I had hope.
Either this was going my way, and I’d see Cain again. Or it wasn’t, and it would all be over anyway…