Chapter 20 - Clara
I sat waiting, feeling like a lifetime had passed me by. The instructions said the results would be visible within five minutes. I kept on looking at my watch. I needed to know. My stomach was twisting and turning.
I sat biting my nails from angst. I had been feeling quite ill the last couple of days. I’d been battling to eat, and when I did, nothing seemed to stay down. Even the smell of food made me nauseous. Plus, I’ve been permanently tired.
The last couple of years, I’ve been more than healthy. I can’t remember the last time I was this ill. After researching my symptoms, I decided to do a pregnancy test. I had to cancel out the obvious before seeing a doctor. I never liked surprises much.
Glancing at my watch again, I saw that the five minutes had just about passed. I couldn’t wait any longer; the anticipation alone was killing me. Picking up the test stick, I felt the blood draining from my body.
Slowly, I stepped back against the door and sank to the floor. I could not draw my eyes from the stick. “What, fuck, no! This must be a mistake,” I mumbled to the empty bathroom.
I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. They streamed down my face. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them as my sobs shook me. I didn’t realize I was crying so loud until there was a knock at the door. I placed my hands over my mouth and breathed in sharply, trying to subdue my crying.
“Clara? Is that you? Are you okay?” I heard Zhenya speaking softly through the door.
I wasn’t able to respond as I knew I would cry harder if I dared open my mouth. I shifted to the side as I felt her pushing the door. Zhenya peeked around the side and then came in. She closed the door and sat down next to me.
She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. “Hey,” she whispered. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, I know it will be fine.” She kept holding me until I started calming down. Zhenya pulled back slightly. “What’s wrong? Speak to me,” she added.
I opened my hand, revealing the test I clutched inside. She stared at it for a moment. I didn’t know what she was thinking as she kept a straight face. “Okay,” she said. “It’s not that bad, is it?”
Blinking at her, I softly shook my head from side to side. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling.
She squeezed my arms as she continued to talk.
“A baby is a blessing. Children bring so much joy to our lives.” She reached for the toilet roll and wiped my tears with a piece of it.
Then she took my face in both her hands.
“I would understand if you feel you aren’t ready.
But have you told Iosif? I take it this is his baby? ”
I pulled my head out of her hands and looked down at the floor. “Don’t worry about it,” Zhenya said. “I won’t tell, that’s your choice. I do recommend it, but it is up to you. But, just know that I am here should you wish to talk.”
Looking at her, I smiled weakly before looking at the test in my hand. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was crying over nothing. I was scared, though. What if I wasn’t a good mother? Breathing in slowly, I looked back at her as I spoke. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”
She assisted me up and handed me a moist towel. “Everything will be fine,” she replied.
After wiping my face, I felt slightly better. “I think I want the baby,” I said, touching my stomach. I knew the baby wasn’t even completely formed at this stage. But I felt a bond, and even though things were messy, her words encouraged me.
Maybe Iosif and I could make it work. After all, the sex was fabulous, we had a lot in common, and we kind of fit like two pieces of a puzzle. Yes, I decided, I wanted this to work out. Iosif is a good man. I have seen the other side of him.
He was controlling, rough around the edges, and at times infuriating. But he was also soft, kind, and gentle. He had a good heart.
I was so deep in my thoughts that I almost got a fright as Zhenya spoke next to me. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
Grinning, I shook my head lightly as I responded. “No, I think I’m fine now. Thank you again.” She hugged me and left. I turned and stared at myself in the mirror for a bit before returning to the room.
After gathering my courage and motivating myself all morning, I decided it was time to find Iosif and tell him the news. I headed upstairs to the room that he turned into an office. Feeling nervous and excited as I walked down the hallway, I heard him mumbling.
I wondered if he was talking to himself. As I got closer, I stopped and listened as I heard him speaking. I didn’t want to interrupt him if he was on a work call.
“Kolya!” I heard Iosif say. His tone was loud and harsh. I’ve never heard him this angry before. “You know what you’ve done! It’s time for some payback.”
What did he mean? I didn’t understand. I edged a little closer to the open door, trying to glance through the small opening. I still couldn’t see Iosif. I knew he was somewhere inside. But I didn’t want to disturb him. The conversation sounded important.
I swallowed hard as I tried to stay as quiet as possible. I didn’t want to intrude on his call. “Kolya,” I heard him saying again. “You know I’ve just been using Clara all this time.”
There was a moment of silence. I felt the shock of his words ripping at my core. “Yes!” Iosif added. “I have, and you know what? I’ll torture her until it drives you crazy. You know this has to happen, you are responsible!”
I was blinded by the sudden onslaught of information. What was happening? What were they arguing about? It was all too overwhelming.
I quickly moved down the hall to my room. I closed the door softly as I leaned against it. How could he be so cold and cruel? I wanted to make this work, but after hearing what he had just said to my brother? It didn’t matter who was at fault. He had no right to use me.
Could there still be a possibility for us? I pushed myself off the door and walked to the bed. Falling forward, I pushed my face into the pillows. I wanted to scream as I allowed my tears to flow. My sobs shook the entire bed. After a bit, I felt tired and closed my eyes, allowing sleep to come.
“Clara, Printessa,” I heard Iosif’s voice in the distance.
Opening my eyes, I saw him standing next to the bed. He bent forward and gently caressed my arm. “Clara,” he whispered. “Are you okay?”
Where was this sweet, concerning man coming from? A little while ago, he was a cold, cruel man. I witnessed the true him with my own eyes and ears. I felt disgusted, angry, and hurt. Yet, I knew I couldn’t show it.
“I’m fine, thank you,” I replied, pushing his hands away as I sat up.
“It’s time for supper. Is there anything specific you want? Do you want to watch a movie afterward?” Iosif asked.
Looking down at the floor, I felt my heart breaking. How was I getting through this pain? “I’m not very hungry,” I mumbled.
“You have to eat. Would you like me to sit with you?” he inquired.
“I know, thanks. No, just give me a moment. I’ll be down soon,” I replied.
“Okay,” he replied, smiling at me as he left the room.
Staring at the open door, I wondered how I’d allowed myself to fall so deeply for him. Charmed by his adventures and outings. He used me! My family wasn’t the only ones, and I fell for it again. I couldn’t allow this behavior to continue. I knew I had to make a plan and get out.
But for now, I would stick it out. I got up and headed down for supper. Iosif was waiting in the small sunroom. There were candles on the shelves and one on the table. It looked romantic, but I didn’t feel up for it.
“Just for you, Printessa,” he said as I entered. Iosif pulled out my chair and waited for me to sit.
I sat down reluctantly, giving him a weak smile. Looking down at the plate of food before me, I spoke softly. “Thank you.” It was one of my favorite dishes. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat much.
He moved around the table and took his place. “I hope you enjoy it,” he said as he started eating.
I didn’t feel like talking as I moved my food around on my plate. Except for feeling ill, I wasn’t hungry. After hearing him on the phone with my brother, my stomach had made knots that wouldn’t ease up. I took a couple of bites because I knew I had to get something in.
“You, okay?” he asked about halfway through.
“Fine,” I mumbled. I kept my head down and took another two bites. “I think I’m going to lie down, I said as I excused myself. I had just lain down when there was a knock at the door. “Yes?” I called out.
The door opened halfway. Sitting up, I saw Iosif peeking around it. He began to come closer as he spoke. “You sure you don’t need anything else? Are you okay?”
There was concern in his voice, and he was acting so sweet. But something in me had changed. The man I witnessed earlier that afternoon was not the same man. My feelings were jumbled, and I couldn’t think straight. I just wanted to be alone.
I had to think of myself and the new life growing inside of me. I couldn’t even consider taking this any further with Iosif. I had to make a clean break.
“I’m fine, thanks,” I mumbled. “I’m just tired. I want to rest now.”
“Okay,” he replied. “Let me know if there is anything I can do.”
He retreated as I nodded at him. I waited for the door to close before allowing my tears to flow. My eyes burned. My heart felt like it was shattering.
I didn’t know who to turn to. I’ve bonded so nicely with his sister, Zhenya. Yet, none of the sisters knew that I was, in fact, an Aslanov. Only his brothers knew the truth. I wasn’t sure how loyal they were to him, but if they were like mine, they would die for him.
I couldn’t take any chances. I rolled around for a while before sleep finally came.