Chapter 19
Bunny
Fuck The Beatles.
And fuck the mockery their songs are making of my life right now.
Digging the pen into my forearm deeper to darken the word “goodbye” stings, yet the pain, ironically enough, momentarily soothes.
Helps me forget about the destruction I’m causing outside of my own life.
The destruction I will continue to cause unless I do the one thing I should’ve never stopped doing.
The one thing I should never stop doing.
The only thing I know I can do to keep those I care about safe.
Run.
Moving the pen over just a fraction, I start the word “hello” again.
Funny thing about saying hello.
Very rarely does anyone think about it changing their lives.
Had I never said hello to that gas station attendant, he probably wouldn’t have had to scrub away animal blood off his bathroom door.
Had I never said hello to that waitress she’d probably still be alive, not mutilated with a tail shaped piece missing from her ass as a clear sign he knows I had contact with her.
Had I never said hello to Nolan, detectives probably wouldn’t be trying to get access to his records to prove he committed a crime.
And had I never said hello to the man sprawled out on the living room floor over there, he probably wouldn’t have to live with murder on his conscience.
Tears collect in my throat creating a lump too massive to choke down and too dense to ignore.
What the fuck am I still doing here?
Why the fuck am I being so goddamn selfish?
These men don’t deserve this.
Their lives shouldn’t have to be at risk because I was that fucking desperate for a few moments of solace.
Anxious to live a life filled with laughter.
And freedom.
And lov…
My lips press tightly together in a refusal to even think that word.
Nope.
Not happening.
Because it’s not possible.
Because it’s not practical.
Because…it’s not something I can process being true.
Continuing to write the title the length of my arm is suddenly interrupted by low grumbles from the man I’m supposed to be sleeping on the floor beside. Kipp gently pats the empty space once and then twice and then shoots up in unmistakable panic on the third, “Bunny!”
“I’m okay,” I force myself to croak out the lie. “Go back to sleep, Kid.”
He gives his messy, dark locks – the same dark locks I’ve come to love making messy – a languorous ruffle. “Need me to get up too?”
There’s no ignoring the lung piercing pain the tone as much as the question itself ignites.
Need.
Want.
How the fuck did the two become so…interchangeable…so fucking quickly with this pair?
Unable to speak without revealing what’s unraveling inside my mind, I simply shake my head on a soft smile.
Kipp initially hesitates; however, one large yawn catching him off guard convinces him to lie back down on his stomach. Rearrange his head so he’s facing me. So that he can hear every move I make. Come running if I need him.
Want him.
“I’m right here if you do, baby,” The Kid practically whispers out seconds before he begins to snore again.
To be honest, I cannot be more grateful that he’s had no trouble passing out.
Taking someone’s life, even when doing it out of self-defense – which is what he told the authorities who were first on the scene while I hid in the backseat of the car – is still the type of shit that can give a person nightmares.
Eat at their spirit.
Their soul if they’re less fortunate.
And unlike my ex – who I know for a fact has no soul – Kipp’s a great guy.
With a bright future and a big heart.
And I hate myself for letting those things get fractured because of me.
Because I couldn’t walk away from his sweet smile.
Adorable demeanor.
Because I couldn’t walk away from Mutt’s crooked grin.
Hardened nature.
And now because I couldn’t fucking walk away from them, I have no choice but to run.
Run and keep running and never look back in hopes that by me doing so, they get to live.
Actually. Live.
We’re not just talking about physically but emotionally too.
Without me around, they can find another woman that enhances their lives versus ruins them.
One less flighty.
Less toxic.
Ugh.
First, I’m the subject of a Beatles song, now Britney?
Thanks, Brain.
Are you gonna play soundtracks during this whole exit stage left or…?
Finally, my hand stops doodling, allowing my arm to drop lifelessly to the side, numbness totally welcomed.
I have to go.
And I have to go now before I idiotically change my mind.
Again.
My first step out of the kitchen instantly startles Kipp awake to a sitting position once more, “Baby…?”
“B…B…” I force myself to stomp down the tears that are bubbling up and steady my voice enough to reply, “Bathroom.”
He grunts his approval and collapses back down, exhaustion winning the physical as much as the mental battle.
“I’m gonna take a shower and try to relax, okay?”
Another grumble of acceptance precedes the heavy breathing I’m strangely gonna miss.
Funny thing is both think it’s the other one that snores like a freight train when in reality it varies from night to night.
I’ve kinda come to find the noises they make comforting.
Oddly securing.
Heading for Nolan’s bathroom, I tuck the pen into the high bun I made the instant we got through the door, not wanting to lose one of the only things I know I can keep guilt free to remember The Kid by. Enroute to the ensuite, I crack the door to the main living area behind me, leaving just enough space to squeeze back through when the time comes, mentally note where my backpack is, the nearest clean clothes, and what items are an absolute must.
Luckily for me I’ve had a lot of practice at this.
That’s why most of my shit is easily replaceable and readily packed to flee.
I start the water, making sure to turn up the heat in order to create an eventual smoke screen of steam. Next, I begin playing music from my phone to further present the illusion of the lie I’m trying to sell. “You’re All I Need to Get By” blares from the tiny speakers not only pulling a death glare out of me but a flashing of my middle finger over having to sing along with the lines being crooned at me.
Post grabbing a pair of black yoga pants and an old, oversized dark gray sweatshirt that belongs to Nolan – one I will always remember him by – I position myself near the door and sing, knowing if The Kid randomly hears me, he’ll stay calm, convince himself that I’m fine, and happily drift back asleep long enough to buy me the small window for a swift exit.
Once I’m dressed, I stuff my backpack with my laptop. I instinctively grab an extra bra and pair of panties without care or concern if they match. Lastly, I toss in my wallet, after making sure my favorite Disney pen gets safely tucked into my bun beside the other and zip it up. I grab my beat-up sneakers with plans to put them on outside not wanting to risk being heard before then.
Impatiently, I wait until “How Sweet It Is to Be Loved By You”, gets to the easy singalong chorus and belt it a bit louder in tandem with slipping out of Nolan’s room.
Like I predicted the pause in Kipp’s breathing ceases and the snoring resumes as if he’s literally staying passed out in love song increments.
I quickly cross the other side of the apartment and quietly undo the lock, knowing I don’t need my phone.
It’s a burner.
Plus, the damn thing is clearly haunted by ghosts who just adore emotional love song torture.
There’s no hesitation to hustle down the stairs the instant I’m successfully on the other side. Hell, stopping to put on my shoes doesn’t even register to be done until I accidentally step on the edge of a tool The Kid left out. “Sonofa-” Clamping down harshly on my own tongue near the piece of jewelry in it stops the statement from continuing while reminding me that I still need to be quiet.
Afterall…I’m not out of the woodwork yet.
Bracing myself against the passenger door of the car that I’m also leaving behind, I hastily wiggle on one shoe; however, the second I begin to repeat the action with the other, tears return to the rims of my eyes.
Fuck.
If I walk out that door, all this is really over.
Everything we’ve managed to build together…our own little piece of weird, protected paradise…no longer available.
But if I stay…it’ll eventually get ruined.
Destroyed.
Fucking. Obliterated. Until there isn’t even an ash to remember it by.
He’ll find me.
Us.
Kill them.
Me.
No.
No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I wanna believe the side of the spreadsheet in my brain that says now is the time for fight, not flight, I can’t.
I can’t risk anything happening to the only two people I care about living more than I do myself.
I have to go.
They will not die because of me.
Getting my other shoe on with bleary vision is difficult but not impossible.
I sling my bag over my shoulder, swallow the next round of tears, and move towards the side door. Unfortunately for me, two steps from it, the object swings open putting me face to face with the man I was hoping to avoid.
Shit.
I thought he’d be gone longer.
I thought I had more time, so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye.
Nolan’s dark gaze slowly drags itself over my frame, wordlessly evaluating everything he sees.
Rather than back down or rush to explain or make an excuse, I simply stand still.
Stare.
Drink in all that I’ll be dreaming about for the rest of what remains of my short life.
It’s not like I have pictures of them to take with me.
This is all I get.
The memories, the sweatshirt, and the pen.
Mutt curls his arms across his broad work shirt covered chest to the same agonizing speed he let his eyes sweep over my frame. “Goin’ somewhere?”
My bottom lip trembles.
Begs to open.
To release more than air.
But I don’t.
I merely let his glare hold mine hostage at the same time he nods. “Well, silence is better than a lie.”
“Fuck you,” tearily flies off my quivering lips.
“For?”
“Acting like this shit is easy for me.”
“Looks it.”
“Does it, asshole?” Sniffles savagely interject themselves into the conversation. “Is that what the tears in my eyes and the fact I can’t stop shaking tells you?!”
“That tells me you know damn well you shouldn’t be fucking going anywhere.”
“I have to go, Nolan.”
“You don’t.”
“It’s not safe here.”
“It is.”
“It’s not!”
“It is.”
“It. Is. Not!” I shriek on a defiant foot stomp. “Do you have any fucking idea what happened tonight?!”
His head tilts sarcastically to one side. “You really think The Kid didn’t immediately call and tell me?”
Probably before he came over to the car for us to go home.
Or maybe while waiting for the cops?
Or…I don’t know.
He was out of my sight plenty, but this is the first time I’ve been out of his.
I probably should’ve just run then.
Off into the nearby woods and kept running until I found a lake to drown in.
“After what The Kid did tonight, how can you possibly think for even a fucking minute that this isn’t the safest place for you?”
“I-”
“How could you think for even a fucking second that there would be anywhere else in the world safer for you than in a home protected by the two men who willingly put people in the ground for trying to get near you?”
“I-”
“Fuck, Bunny, what more do we have to do to prove that we’re fucking here for you? What the fuck else do we have to do to prove that we’re loyal to you? That we lo-” The word isn’t finished; however, it doesn’t have to be. I know what it is. Hell, I can feel what it is. “You belong with us. End of story.”
“Not end of story…” My head rapidly shakes in denial. “This is not some fairytale bullshit where the handsome princes from a different town come in on flowing white horses and rescue me from the evil king trying to make me his bride. This is the real world, Nolan! Me staying here is the difference between life and death, not just for myself but for you! For Kipp! And I know you’d do anything and everything in this world to keep him safe!”
“I will.”
“Then that means letting me go!” Tears roll down my cheeks against my own volition. “That means letting me walk out that door and put as much distance as possible between all of us! That means forgetting my name! That you know me! That you ever fucking met me! That you-” It’s my turn not to let the word loose in the room. “You wanna keep The Kid alive? Forget. Me.”
Nolan casually gives his lips a slow lick during an even slower nod prior to proclaiming. “No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“What the fuck do you mean no?!!”
“I mean we waited a lifetime for you, Rabbit.” His shoulder shrug is clumsy. Uncertain. “At least that’s what it feels like. You got here, and fuck, I just…we just…felt it. And every moment you’ve been with us, our lives…they suddenly make sense in a way they never did before, in a way they never will again if you’re not with us. And you know what? I think you feel the exact same fucking way.”
My lips press together in a refusal to admit that to be true.
“I think that’s why you’ve really stayed. Because you don’t wanna be without us either. And that’s what really fucking scares you. Not some psycho ex asshole’s little lackeys that come sniffing a little too close or the bastard himself that you know we aren’t afraid to put down like the rabid dog that he is. No.” Nolan arrogantly shakes his head while stepping closer. “You, Bunny Abernathy, are afraid of staying fucking put and fighting because it means you give an actual fuck about someone besides yourself, which is scary shit you haven’t had to do in a really long ass time.”
All the air in my lungs seems to be stolen in a single sentence.
“You wanna leave? Fine.” His eyebrows bounce into the air. “Fucking. Leave.” The craning of his neck forward paralyzes me in place. “But grow a pair and stop lying about the why.”
All of a sudden, a door opening calls our attention over my shoulder to where Kipp is frantically panting. “Fuck! There you are!” He scrubs his face as if hoping to rub some sanity back into himself. “What the fuck is goin’ on?!”
“Good question, Kid.”
I cut my glare back to him.
“What the fuck is goin’ on, Bunny?” An unreadable expression plants itself in his face. “Are you comin’ or are you goin’?”