Chapter 31
DIANGELO
Present
I pride myself on my ability to keep a cool head. I may be intense or act like a dick, but I rarely lose my shit entirely. I can’t remember the last time I hit an inanimate object out of frustration, yet here I stand opposite a fist-sized hole in my guest bedroom wall.
My chest expands and contracts with rapid breaths as I try to calm myself.
I could have gone to the room I use as a home gym.
I could have hit the heavy bag. The problem is, that wouldn’t have satisfied this intense need to destroy something.
I’m so fucking furious with myself that I can’t see straight.
I can’t believe I compromised Terina so recklessly. What an epic fuck-up.
That’s what happens when you forget your priorities.
Lightning fast, I put a second hole in the wall next to the first.
I don’t even let myself shake out my hand afterward. I don’t deserve relief from the pain. Especially when, after everything that just happened, I desperately want more of her. Have I lost my fucking mind? Am I so damn selfish that I’d rather hurt her beyond repair than deny myself?
I’m not sure I want to answer that question because seductive whispers in the back of my mind already threaten to twist reality with acrobatic rationalizations.
I want to think I could keep her safe from the world and myself. That if she were mine, pain would never touch her. But those are bold proclamations.
Are you willing to risk her life on that gamble?
Her physical and emotional well-being are at stake. No matter how naturally she responds to me or how desperately I want to possess her, I don’t want my mistakes to harm her. I already care for her too much to risk her like that.
If you care so much, maybe you should get your head out of your ass and check on her.
Shit.
That’s exactly what I should be doing. I had to take a minute to calm myself after the call with Tommy, but it’s time to grow a pair and repair the damage I’ve caused.
I cross the house to the primary bedroom and see that Terina has shut herself in the bathroom.
I knock gently on the door. “You okay?”
That’s it? That’s the best you have?
I know I should apologize. I should do something, but my damn throat won’t cooperate.
“Yeah, just going to get in the shower,” she calls back. Her voice is thin and hollow. Despite what she says, she is not okay.
I wish I could punch myself in the dick. This is what happens when I make bad choices.
“Shae went into labor,” I tell her. “Everyone is going to the hospital.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll be ready to go once I take a quick shower.”
I stare at the door and berate myself for being a chickenshit coward.
I should force the damn thing open and insist on showering with her.
I should comfort her and make sure she understands no one will look down on her.
I don’t do either of those things for one main reason: it will only string along what never should have happened in the first place.
What if the phone screwup had instead been a life-threatening mistake? What if I’d missed clocking an attempt on her life because I was too busy admiring her evergreen eyes or giving her my coat so she didn’t get cold?
She would be dead right now.
Holding back isn’t cowardice. It’s selflessness. I’m doing her a favor by not endearing myself. This can’t continue.
“We’ll head out in thirty minutes,” I respond tonelessly. “That enough time?”
“Yeah.”
I need to get my head on straight. And no matter how tempting it is to finish the raging hard-on that still hasn’t fully calmed, there’s no way in hell that’s happening.
Even if it means a case of blue balls so intense that my dick falls off.
If she has to be hurt, I damn well should be in pain, too.
She doesn’t deserve any of this.
She was sheer perfection—the way she presented herself for me. Her courage and trust.
And I fucked her over royally, proving that I am completely unworthy.
“I fucked up, Terina, on a massive scale. I want you to know that it won’t happen again.” I force myself to say the words I’ve rehearsed in my head for the past half an hour. “I’ve realized what a huge mistake it was to cross that line with you.”
The click of her seat belt buckling ricochets through the air.
“Definitely, I totally agree.” Her ready reply should be a relief. Instead, irritation slithers under my skin. “Um … do you know how much he heard?” she asks quietly.
Fuck, I hate myself.
“He only heard me.” My assurance is a lie, but I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth. As it is, she’s already shrunken in on herself, her shoulders curved and arms wrapped protectively around her middle.
I swear, I will cut myself wide open before I hurt her like this again. It goes against everything I stand for. As a man, my sole responsibility is to protect my partner. To be trustworthy and safe.
I failed.
Epically.
I sit in silence with that truth the rest of the way to the hospital. By the time we arrive, Terina has rallied. Shoulders squared, she summons a ready smile for her family.
“Can you believe the time is finally here?”Azzurra cries excitedly before hugging her daughter. “I feel like we’ve been waiting forever.”
“I know! And we’ll finally get to find out if it’s a boy or a girl.
I’m so excited.” Terina is a perfect reflection of her mother’s energy.
If I didn’t know better, I’d have no idea she’d been achingly upset minutes earlier.
The girl is damn good at covering up her pain.
It makes me wonder what else she could be hiding.
Someone so skilled in masking surely has extensive experience in the art.
It’s an observation I stash away for future evaluation.
Mrs. Donati ushers us into an interior waiting room in the Labor and Delivery area. “Renzo swears it’s a boy. We need to all place our bets.”
“Shae still refusing to guess?”
“Yup.”
We pick a couple of seats—the room is nearly filled with Renzo and Shae’s family members. Two large Catholic families, one Irish and the other Italian, which amounts to a small army of people.
A few minutes after we settle in, Renzo appears. He’s got a hospital band on his wrist and a touch of mania in his eyes. I don’t blame him. I can’t imagine anything more stressful than standing on the sidelines while your wife is in labor.
“They finally got Shae in a room and assessed her. She’s 4 to 5 centimeters dilated, so we still have a ways to go. We’re happy for you guys to stay or we can text updates. Totally up to you.”
“I’d like to see you try to drag me out of here,” Azzurra jabs playfully.
Everyone laughs and sits back in their seats, clearly in for the long haul. Not how I planned to spend my day and night, but so long as we’re all here together, I feel decent about Terina’s safety. That’s the most important part.
Well, that’s not true. I have one other concern.
From what I’ve observed, I don’t think Tommy has told anyone about what he overheard. I steal a glance at his wife, Danika, and the sudden bloom of crimson across her cheeks tells me I may have been mistaken.
Shit.
Tommy isn’t one to blabber, but I have no clue about Danika. I certainly don’t want to think about how Renzo would react if he got word. Fortunately, he has bigger things on his mind right now.
After an hour, I decide to grab a soda from a vending machine. “You want anything to drink?” I ask Terina.
“A bottle of water would be great, thank you.” That same energy she shows the others isn’t present when she answers me. I don’t like it.
“No bathroom breaks or wandering while I’m gone, okay?” A note of contrition finds its way into my voice. Walking this damn line between duty and desire is hard. At the end of the day, the most important part is not hurting her.
I weave my way toward the elevators, which is where I’m told the vending machines can be found. I stare at my options once I locate the machines, only for awareness to prick that someone has approached me from behind in an unusual way. I peer back and see Tommy glaring at me, daggers in his eyes.
“Don’t you fucking dare think you can treat my sister like one of your whores.” The man is livid. He’s raring for a fight.
Thank God.
I’m more than happy to oblige.