16. Emerson
Emerson
Ilingered outside her room, her door ajar.
She was on her bed, her laptop in front of her, books strewn across the space around her, large over-ear headphones on, and she looked stressed as hell.
Guilt had been weighing on me since our last dinner together, and I looked as bad as I felt. Even Cristian had looked at me funny, probably noticing the perpetual frown and the bags under my eyes.
Plus, she hadn’t been at the office with me, which didn’t help.
It had been three days since that night, and everything between us was… very cordial. Too cordial. Her classes were picking up, and she spent most of her free time studying. I knew I had to give her time for that, and it had nothing to do with that fucking contract.
She deserved to get her degree. She deserved to have something she worked for and got because she wanted to.
She deserved everything.
It made me feel even worse about what I said. Or, more specifically, what I didn’t say.
I never meant to make her feel that way. I had no idea it would be the wrong thing to say and that it would change things between us until she hit me with that.
I’m not worthy of love… I never have been.
Many people had contributed to her feeling this way. Her parents, who just ignored her. Those girls in the library who made her relive what she went through. Her fucking stalker, who probably had added another layer to it. He would be dealt with soon enough.
My hand paused on the door, ready to push it open, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it. Because I had contributed to it most of all.
“Your love?”
“Please.”
What she didn’t know was that she had my love from the beginning.
I love you, Pearl. But you are worthy of more. Of someone not as broken as I am. Someone who’s able to give you those words freely.
I knew what I should do. Open the door, sit on her bed, and talk to her. Let her know it had all been a misunderstanding. Explain myself. But I still hesitated.
Come on. Get it together. Why are you standing here like this?
This time, if she walks out on you, it’s forever. It’s your fault.
My inner voice snapped me out of it. I pushed open the door, and her head snapped to me as I entered. She pulled one side of her headphones off, an invitation to speak.
“For your studying,” I said and gave her the bag of milk teas and sour candy I ordered for her. Something I watched her snack on after school while she was studying. The combination was a bit nauseating to me, but I knew she’d love it.
She sat up, her cropped shirt pulling up to show me her stomach. I could tell she wasn’t wearing a bra under it, and her sweatpants were low on her hips, just calling my name.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
I wanted so badly to peel everything off her, but I kept my hands to myself.
She took it, a slightly shocked expression crossing her face when she looked inside.
“Four of them?”
I felt oddly embarrassed about buying her so many.
“For every day you study.” I shoved my hands in my pockets. “And I don’t know which flavor you’d like, so I… got you one of each. And the candy I know you like…”
A small smile pulled at her lips.
“That’s… thoughtful,” she said and placed the bag on the ground to pull out one. “Jasmine milk tea with coconut jelly, full sugar. This is my speed. And this—"
She then pulled out the bag of sour candy, her face twisting.
“Watermelon?”
Panic shot through me.
“Do you not like them anymore?”
Her eyes shifted to mine.
“You knew… How did you know I like these?”
I rocked on my heels and cleared my throat. “I saw you devour them in high school, especially before a test. I thought you might still like them, but if you don’t—”
“I still like them,” she said. “I can’t believe you remembered. Thanks, Emerson.”
My heart warmed at her thanks.
When she looked back at me, I nodded, then cleared my throat.
“Sit down, Emerson. I don’t bite.”
I didn’t trust myself to come too close, not before I told her what I had to say. But I took the edge of the bed.
“Pearl, I… I’m… sorry for making you cry the other day. I shouldn’t have walked out—”
“You shouldn’t have ignored me for the past three days either?”
I smirked. She wasn’t going to let me get away with it. Her words came out in a rush.
“Because I haven’t been at the office, but I’ve been hearing you come home and go straight to your room. Even if you did make me dinner—thank you for that, by the way—you have been ignoring me. And I’m pretty sure there’s a breach of contract somewhere—"
“Pearl, stop.” Her eyes widened when I touched her leg. And now she looked scared.
For fuck’s sake. How am I fucking up this apology too?
“If you don’t want—"
“Don’t even go there. I’ll always want you,” I said, quickly shutting her up.
I knew her mind would go there, and it was just not possible.
I couldn’t stop wanting her if I tried. “You deserve more than this. More than any of it. More than… my love. It’s not that you’re unworthy of it.
It’s unworthy of you. It pales in comparison to what you deserve. I…”
I’m not fucking worthy of loving you, is what I was going for. But I still couldn’t say it.
She placed her hand on top of mine.
“Thank you, Emerson. Your words are… kind.”
I nodded and got up.
“Well… Good luck with your studying. Don’t stay up too late. If you’re late, I’ll lea—”
“Leave without me tomorrow. I know the drill,” she said, granting me another small smile.
I felt awkward standing there, so I moved to turn around and get out.
“But Emerson? I wasn’t done talking.”
Her words stopped me, and I gave her my full attention again. Her eyes were on mine.
“Let me determine what I deserve. Let me choose whose love I’m worthy of, okay?”
My heart stopped in my chest. And for once in my life, I had no answer. My mind was blank.
So I nodded again and quickly made my escape, her light chuckle at my reaction trailing after me.
And I replayed her words in my head all night.