23. Pearl
Pearl
Tears were running down my face, and sobs were going to burst out of my chest any moment. I was walking fast through the streets of New York and getting closer to my apartment with every second, but it still wasn't fast enough.
It felt like my world was falling apart all around me.
All because of Emerson.
I hated being without her. I’d hated it after leaving our small seaside town to come to college, but now I hated it even more because I had a taste of what it could be like to be with her. Together.
It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t stop thinking about sharing her bed. About being able to smell her. Feel her. Touch her.
I missed her more than I ever would have guessed. Sometimes I could swear I saw her around campus, but that was my mind playing tricks on me. She wouldn’t be caught dead in the middle of a student quad, and she’d stick out like a sore thumb if she tried.
I'd used the time to focus on my midterms and numb the pain, even if I fell asleep many times with my head in my books only to dream of her. Still, and while the grades weren’t out yet, I thought I had done pretty okay.
And now I was biding my time trying to figure out how to approach her again because there was no way I would be able to stay away from her.
Because of Emerson, I had enough money to just go to school full-time. I didn’t have to work at all. But I wasn't the type of person who was happy to sit around and not do much. At this point, school was not enough to take up all of my time, and I was itching to find something else to do.
So I thought about going back to my old shitty job. Even though I hated it, it would keep me busy enough to avoid constantly thinking about the girl I’d walked away from.
But then, when I stopped by the restaurant on my way home and found it closed, I knew I couldn't stay away from her any longer.
There was no doubt in my mind it had been Emerson who had done something to shut it down.
Don't cry about it. They never deserved you anyway.
It might have been wrong. It might even have been illegal. But as I thought back to everything she’d done for me or because of me in the background, not taking or even wanting credit for it, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks.
The restaurant she closed down because they fired me.
The date she’d taken me on, even though I was pretty sure she didn’t give a shit about art.
The food she made sure I had at the office just because.
The book she’d kept all that time and had read to get to know me.
The hugs she gave me when she had never hugged anyone before.
The bracelet she never took off and that I’d never mentioned.
All of it… She didn’t have to tell me her feelings, they were all there. She had shown me how she felt through her actions, which was far more important. And I was now kicking myself because I hadn’t seen it. I’d been so focused on the damned words…
She had a father who abused her and no one else to rely on but herself for most of her life, but she had tried to show me that she was worthy of my love. Even though I already knew she was.
To think I just left like that and even demanded she kept that flannel, the only thing I’d saved of hers all those years… It broke my heart.
Where was the Pearl who would do anything to be by her side? The one who had tried to protect her years before?
When we started this whole thing, I told her I saw her, just like she saw me. That wasn’t true. She did see me and went out of her way to show me how much I meant to her. But I never truly saw her.
Emerson deserved better than this.
I fucked up.
I fell against the door in my apartment and slowly sank to the floor.
Since I’d first met Emerson, all I wanted was her attention. No matter what form it came in. I had craved it. Craved her. And then when I got a taste of it, I got selfish.
I tried to change Emerson into something she wasn’t. The Emerson who had been standing in front of me hadn't been good enough for me. I wanted more.
All this time, Emerson had been trying to pull out the person I’d been hiding inside. She knew and accepted me for who I was. She wasn't trying to change me, she was just trying to bring out the person I'd always been.
But I kept pushing her for more.
Slowly, I got up and walked further into the dark apartment, turning on the lights as I went, my mind running through everything I would need to do to get her back.
There was still a possibility that she would turn me away as soon as I showed up at her door, but I had to try anyway.
She’s worth it.
So I started planning. Obviously, I needed to get dressed in something I knew that she would like. I smiled at the thought of showing up to her house in nothing but a trench coat and lingerie. A classic.
But I didn’t need that.
The outfit only needed to be enough to catch her attention because I planned to apologize thoroughly as soon as I was inside. Get down on my knees. Show her that I was ready to take this seriously. Take whatever punishment she wanted to dole out and then finally hug her when she was done.
Because it wasn’t just about the sex, even though it was out of this world. It was what came after. The hugging, the caressing, the touching.
Us.
I was giddy with the excitement of seeing her again. I took out three possible dresses to wear, but my mind was still on the damned trench coat, so I set that aside too, along with a barely-there bra and panties and a garter belt.
Screw the dresses, this is it.
Just as I went to the fridge to grab myself a drink, I got a chill over my body. Maybe I left a window open? But it wasn’t just the usual coldness. It was…
I froze. My breath hitched. My senses heightened. Blood rushed through my ears.
The world fell away around me, my vision tunneling.
I had felt this before.
When someone was lingering over my shoulder. Hiding in the darkness. Their intentions sinister. The feeling crawled up my body, narrowing its focus and causing every cell in my body to scream at me.
It had been too late then. But not now.
I ducked just as someone tried to wrap their arms around me. When I heard a man’s voice curse, I immediately knew who it was.
I moved away from him, going to the other side of the kitchen, trying to find a way out. I couldn’t get to the door. He was in the way.
He was wearing a black hoodie and jeans, his lower face covered with a black mask, and there was a baseball cap on his head.
But the same crazed look was there in his eyes. I would never forget that look for as long as I lived, and I never thought I’d have to see it again.
Ice-cold fear was injected straight into my veins.
He turned to me as his left hand lowered his face mask so I could see his face and his bone-chilling smile.
I wanted to scream, but it was stuck in my throat.
“I warned you, didn't I?”
I made a move toward the door, but he was faster, cutting me off.
“You ignored me. Put me in jail. And now I hear you sold yourself out too. Do you have no decency?”
My eyes scanned around for a weapon I could use against him. At my back were my room and the bathroom. To my right was the living room. He was covering the only exit.
Except…
I turned around and ran as fast as I could to my bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.
How the fuck did he find me?
My heart was beating erratically in my chest. My breaths came up short. My head was spinning.
His body slammed into the door, followed by his hands pounding on it.
My phone was in the living room. I’d set it down there before I came into the bedroom. I had no landline. If I screamed, would the neighbors hear me? I was the new girl, I hadn’t even met anyone in the building yet…
I’m alone.
“Come on, Pearl. Give me a chance. I promise this time I won't try to kill you. If you’re a good girl for me.”
The fear racing through my body threatened to freeze me to the ground, but I'd been through this before. This time was going to be different.
Grow up and save yourself, Pearl.
I ran to the window and pried it open. I tried to push it up, but it got caught less than halfway. Definitely not enough space to push my body through.
The chilly air brushed across my heated skin, centering me.
I put my foot on the sill and put all of my weight into pushing it up. I could see the fire escape from here. There was a high chance of it collapsing on me, but I would take those odds.
His pounding got harder. His yells became belligerent. His short fuse had blown when he realized I wasn’t going to stay there and listen to him or even dignify his words with an answer.
The door was already starting to give in, and then when he started ramming his entire body into it, part of it broke.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck—”
The door slammed open just as I was able to push the window up enough to slip out and onto the fire escape.
The cold air hit me like a punch to the face, and my stomach dropped when I saw just how high up I was.
Go. Move, damn it! I put one shaky foot in front of the other, forcing myself to move despite my fear.
I didn't even make it two steps before his hand wrapped around my waist and he tried to pull me back in.
I screamed then, as loud as I could. I thrashed, trying to make it as difficult as possible for him to pull me inside. But he was far bigger and stronger than I was, and try as I might, I found myself pulled back into the apartment and pushed to the ground with him on top of me.
“Come on, Pearl. Don't make me angry.”
“What do you want from me?”
He forced my hands above my head and straddled me.
“I want you, Pearl. That was all I’ve ever wanted, and you know it. You just had to ignore me. I wanted to go after the girl and teach you a lesson, but he said I couldn't. You should count yourself lucky.”
I froze, panic taking hold of my entire body.
“The girl? Emerson?”
His face suddenly twisted, and his hand was at my throat, squeezing the breath from my lungs.
“Don't say her name!”
My hands grabbed his wrist, and I tried to claw at his skin with my nails, but it was no use.
“I told you not to make me angry! Do you see what you're doing to yourself?”
I kicked and bucked my hips, but he was not letting go.
Tears fell from my eyes as I desperately tried to gasp for air, but my lungs weren't getting any. Please. Please… Someone!
“Please… I’m sorry…” I choked out. “Please. Don’t hurt me.”
“I’m not hurting you,” he said and loosened his grip just enough for a smidge of sweet air to fill my lungs. “This is all you. Don’t you see? I gave you more than enough warnings, but you… You never listen!”
“I’m sorry. Please. Just let me go, okay? You don’t want to hurt me—”
“I do, though. Because you were here with her, not even thinking about how hard it was for me in prison. Do you know what I had to go through? All because of you?”
His hands tightened again, shutting off my air. Blackness started to play at my vision.
No! Please! Stay awake. Stay awake.
As I was fighting for my life, all I could think about was Emerson.
Please. Emerson. I’m sorry.
My body fell slack as I let go.