Chapter 27
KYLEN
My eyes burn. The kind of dry burn they get when you’re overtired.
I’ve been awake for hours. Long before the sun came up. It was still dark in here when I opened my eyes and couldn’t get back to sleep.
Arek is still wrapped around me, which I love. His arms are tight, even in sleep. His chest is pressed firmly against my back, so I can feel his rhythmic heartbeat. His steady, warm breaths on the back of my neck.
In the hours I’ve been awake, Arek hasn’t moved. Sometimes his breathing gets a little louder, as if he’s going to snore, and then quiets again, as if his body righted itself so he didn’t.
I wish I could say I was stressing about school right now, and that’s what was keeping me awake. Finals are coming fast as the days quickly hurtle towards winter break. I should be stressed about finals.
Instead, my brain won’t stop reminding me that I told Arek.
Last night, I freaked out and ran away, and when I came back, I told Arek something I’ve never said out loud.
I know he’s not upset with me. I know that.
I know he believes me. But somewhere in my head, I’m still that ten-year-old boy, terrified no one will believe me or tell me that my teacher had permission.
Everyone already knew, and it was the right payment for passing fifth grade and not having to stay back a year.
It’s not true. Of course, it’s not. That’s just the fear of a trusting little boy who believed that their teacher wouldn’t lie to them. I trusted someone in charge as I was supposed to.
But I told Arek. I wasn’t going to. I was going to apologize and promise to tell him someday, but then I went back to his room, and he wasn’t there. I just knew he was angry with me. Why wouldn’t he be? I was angry with myself.
I waited on his bed, terrified he was going to kick me out. I’d reached the level of freak that he couldn’t handle, and he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.
As the hours ticked by and he didn’t return, my already panicky brain began taking another nosedive into deeper panic and kept throwing out scenarios where he went to get his dick sucked somewhere else.
With someone who wasn’t a weirdo and liked having their dick sucked and touched.
Maybe he went to Confessions or… maybe the Omegas were having an orgy or sex party or something.
Maybe there’s a guy in class that he liked, and he’s fucking them.
I wouldn’t blame him. I’m a lot to put up with. I’m so weirdly broken.
What will happen when he wakes up? Is he going to want to talk about it in the daylight, where he can look at me? Is he going to want me to say it in person so he can decide if I’m lying?
Arek’s lips press to my skin, and I jerk, breath catching.
As much as I don’t want to look him in the eye this morning, I shift in his arms so I can roll onto my back.
His arms remain on me as I roll, making it difficult to do so since I’m still dressed in thick layers, and they get twisted to the point where I feel as if I’m being choked.
Arek is beautiful. I wonder if I’ve always thought so.
Maybe I missed it because he’s a little scary, and my fear of him never allowed me to truly look at him.
He has one of those faces that’s just… flawlessly symmetrical and shaped perfectly.
Strong jaw with a scruffy morning shadow.
Soft lips, a light mauve or blush in color.
His eyes are dark, but up close, I can see little spots of a lighter brown mixed throughout.
His finger brushes along my jaw, and I swallow. My eyes flutter closed when his mouth presses softly to mine. When he pulls back, his finger moves up my face and traces the bottom of my eye.
“You didn’t sleep long,” he says.
I shake my head. “I—” I was going to apologize, but he doesn’t like when I do that.
Arek sighs, his arm under me and around my back pulls me more tightly to him.
“I will never put you in my mouth without your permission, Kylen,” he says quietly.
“Not even when I’m caught up in what we’re doing.
Not when I’m so fucking horny, and I need to possess you in every way I can.
Nothing will override my respect for your boundaries. ”
Tears sting my eyes, and I blink through them rapidly. “I know,” I say, voice sounding choked. “I swear I didn’t mean to run away. I always hide behind Kole because I’m a coward—”
“No more name-calling,” Arek says, voice terse. “You’re not a coward.”
I swallow thickly through my emotions. “I didn’t mean to run. I trust you.”
Arek studies my face for a long time. I’m so afraid of what he sees, but even if I wanted to shut down my emotions so he doesn’t see something I don’t want him to, I have no idea how to do that. I don’t think I have that much control over myself.
“Can we try something? I promise, I won’t put you in my mouth.”
I nod.
Arek presses a soft kiss to my mouth and then pushes himself up.
He moves me like I’m a small child as he pulls my clothes off me.
Actually, they’re his clothes. I hadn’t paid much attention to what I grabbed on my way out last night and ended up in his sweats and a shirt.
I pulled the hoodie on when I came back to his room.
When I’m naked, Arek moves between my legs.
His eyes hold mine as he cups my cock in his hand so it’s covered entirely.
My heart races when he sinks to my stomach and presses a kiss there.
His hand is firm around my junk, but as he does each time he cups my crotch, there’s no movement of his hand now that I’m in it. As if he were a jockstrap or something.
Holding my cock and balls securely so they don’t bounce and sway while I move around.
“Watch me,” Arek instructs, and I do. I don’t think I could look away if I wanted to. Not when he’s… there.
He doesn’t go near my dick, even though it’s covered entirely by his hand.
Arek presses a soft kiss to the inside of my knee and then trails more kisses slowly up the inside of my leg until he’s about halfway along my thigh.
There, he lies down, using my leg as a pillow, and doesn’t move.
My cock remains hidden away under his familiar, admittedly comforting, touch.
A minute passes in which my body remains stiff and tense. He shifts just enough so his eyes can meet mine. “Are you okay?”
I look at how close he is. I can feel his breath on my groin. The weight of his head feels heavy against my leg.
But in my chest, I trust him. I do. I know that he’s reminding me that no matter how close he gets, he’s not going to do something I don’t like. Something I don’t want.
“Yes,” I answer, and bury my fingers in his short hair. Arek smiles softly.
We stay like that, eyes locked, as the tension in my body slowly—so fucking slowly—releases. I’m not sure why he’s doing this, but I like that his face being so close, feeling his breath there, is overriding everything I’ve known about someone being this close. I like it so damn much.
Once my body is entirely relaxed, I take his hand.
The one holding my cock inside his hold, hiding it from being close to his face.
Slowly, I pull his hand away until my dick is free.
It falls back to its usual position between my legs, where gravity pulls it.
This brings me close enough that he could stick his tongue out and lick it.
My pulse spikes and my body begins to tense again, but I stare at Arek’s face, into his eyes, which are still locked with mine. I’m okay. He’s not going to touch me unless I tell him he can.
Memories of her face this close try to paint themselves over reality. Her smile. The way she touched me, pulling me where she wanted me. How she wanted me. I can still see her mouth moving as she spoke.
I hold my breath and concentrate on Arek’s eyes.
It’s Arek here, and he’s not touching me.
I like him there. I do. I’m not just telling myself that.
It’s true. I love his hand over my cock.
I love when he holds me like that because it’s…
I’m not sure there’s a word to describe how much peace it brings me.
Not because I’m a horndog and need to be touched all the time.
But because it’s Arek and I know beyond a doubt that he won’t hurt me.
A sigh leaves my chest, and I close my eyes. My exhaustion catches up, and I find I’m fading into sleep. With Arek between my legs. His head on my inner thigh like a pillow, his fingers laced with mine, my hand buried securely in his hair… I fall asleep.
It’s peaceful. Restful. When I wake, I find that we haven’t moved much except that I’ve rolled a little in my sleep, so I have his head practically sandwiched between my thighs. Even though my heart practically jumps into my throat, I laugh.
I can feel his breath on my cock now, and fear dances in my chest. The same panic I felt last night begins clawing its way into my head, and my hand tightens in his hair. Fuck. I feel his mouth on me, but it’s my fault. I rolled. I trapped him there.
Arek carefully pulls himself free and slides up my body to cradle me in his arms. As soon as I’m against his chest, all the cracks that had started forming settle again. They don’t seal up tightly, but they close a bit, so each side of the wound is touching.
“I didn’t want to wake you,” Arek says. “Your eyes were bloodshot from so little sleep. I’m sorry I got so close again.”
“Someday, I might want you to suck me,” I whisper.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want her to be my last and only memory of someone’s mouth there. And I know it’ll be different because I’m an adult. Not a child.”
Arek nods. “We’ll talk about it.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“We’ll talk about it a lot.”
I smile. “I know. Thanks.”
“You feel more rested?”
“I’m going to sleep so hard tonight. Even if I have to take sleep meds to assure that I get some rest. I can feel myself becoming whiny.”
Arek laughs quietly, his fingers moving through my hair. I snuggle a little closer and feel how hard his cock is pressed against my leg. As the minutes tick by, he doesn’t soften, but he also doesn’t move to do anything about it.
Our sex life lacks foreplay for the most part.
I know it’s because of me. I want no part of having my dick involved.
I’m also incredibly timid and lack confidence when it comes to doing anything in reverse.
The only time I’ve really touched Arek anywhere that’s not his back or arms was in the darkness at Hush Anonymous that time.
When he couldn’t see how horrified and embarrassed I was. How stupidly virginal I was.
He knows all my secrets now. I have no reason left to be nervous and afraid. There’s nothing else he can learn about me that he doesn’t already know.
“Arek?”
“Mhm?”
I don’t ask my question for a minute as I enjoy the way his fingers soothe through my hair. I love his soft touch. How tightly he holds me. How fucking safe I feel in his arms.
“Can I suck your dick?”
His fingers don’t stop moving through my hair.
“If you want to.”
It sounds as if I’m asking him if he wants to watch a movie. He doesn’t make any effort to move.
“Right now?”
I hear his smile when he answers. “Sure.” He still doesn’t move.
“We have to take your clothes off.”
“We do,” he agrees.
“Do you like your dick sucked?”
“Very much.”
“Yet you’re not moving,” I accuse. “Do you not want me to because I’m going to be really bad at it?” This might come as a shock, but my face heats dramatically at my question. I’m afraid of the answer.
Arek snorts. “You’re not going to be bad at it. There’s no pressure to do anything, little kit. We can lie here all morning; I’m happy to just hold you.”
“Your dick is so hard it could poke an eye out.”
“You always make me hard.” He shrugs. “Not a big deal.”
I huff.
His fingers grip my hair, and he pulls my head back so he can look into my face.
“No matter who you are and what your past is, I’m not into sex if it’s not something we both want.
There will never be any pressure for you to reciprocate, or initiate, or perform at all.
I’ll never be angry or give you an ultimatum.
There will never be any guilt, bribery, or shame. ”
My lungs feel full to the point of bursting, and it takes me several minutes to work through the feeling enough to respond. “I know,” I whisper. “You’re the weirdest psychopath I’ve ever known.”
Arek laughs. “I’ve had a very unique upbringing. Orev and I often joke that we weren’t just educated, but we were trained like dogs. There are rules we hate, but we follow them because that’s how we’re instructed to behave.”
“So you don’t really want all that—”
“Okay, I might have muddled my meaning,” Arek interrupts when he realizes where my question is going.
“Consent is always important to me. Real consent. Not the consent of a fourteen-year-old, and pretending that they’re not a child.
Not the consent of someone drugged or coerced into agreement.
I need sound-of-mind, mature consent. Yes, it’s something that we learned a lot growing up because it’s not something that comes naturally to someone with an antisocial disorder.
We do often disregard boundaries. Such as I did concerning condoms with you once we left Hush Anonymous. ”
I grin.
“I suppose that’s a whole lot of words to say you can suck my dick if you want to. Yes, I always want you in every way I can have you. That answer will never change. But it needs to be because you want to and never because you think that’s what I want. It doesn’t matter how horny I am. Understand?”
I push my weight against him so he rolls onto his back, where I follow him, pressing my mouth to his to kiss him greedily.
I’ve been keen on the knowledge that Arek is so fucking sweet since we started seeing each other in the daylight.
It’s never far from my mind how easy it will be to fall for him.
Weird that I was so wrong and right at the same time. I’m not falling for Arek Van Doren. I’ve already fallen. And he’s such a fucking dream that he was there to catch me, so I didn’t hit the bottom.