Chapter 4
four
Liam
Two Weeks Later
Something about a long span of highway is calming for me.
The way distance builds between your actual life and the possibility of something better. Especially when the light is strange, caught between day and night.
I guess I like it when things feel temporary. No one expects anything from me, which is good.
I don’t have much to give.
Padraig drives, both hands on the wheel. Calm. Steady.
He’s always steady. My opposite twin.
Wind whooshes through the half-open window, whipping my hair into my mouth. I tap my foot against the floorboard, chasing a rhythm in my head. Something fast. Angry. A beat to keep me from thinking too much.
“She texted yet?” I ask about his girlfriend, Stevie, who’s back home in Seattle for the summer. I don’t like it when Padraig’s sad and he never likes to be separated from her, even for a minute.
“Aye.” He doesn’t look at me. “Said her mom nearly cried when she walked in. She’ll check on Ma and the wee lads tomorrow.”
“How long’s she staying?”
“A few weeks.”
I stare at the road ahead, trying not to seem elated. “So it’s the two of us for a while?”
“Aye.”
Our eyes meet for half a breath. Then he looks back at the road.
I try again. “Dar, I’m glad we have some time. It’s been years, you realize.”
He doesn’t answer.
“All I’m saying is there isn’t any part of us she isn’t part of anymore.” The words come out sharper than I mean.
Truth always sounds like an accusation when it’s been festering.
He shifts in his seat. “You’re not being fair.”
“No? Tell me. Why exactly are we checking this singer out if you’re gonna choose Stevie over me and the band in the long run?”
“What the fuck?” He turns, confused. “Do you have something you need to say?”
I might as well get it off my chest. “Stevie isn’t into the band stuff for the long haul. Do you not listen to her?”
His mouth sets in a thin line. I’m right, and he knows it. Even if he doesn’t want to believe it.
I don’t hate Stevie. I never could. She’s sunshine in human form. Our next-door neighbor and childhood friend turned twin’s lover. She’s believed in our band from the beginning.
On the other hand, she’s Padraig’s gravity. I’m watching him orbit further away from me every day and I already have plans.
Big plans.
“I don’t wanna create music with anyone else, Dar,” I tell him. “I’m gonna do it no matter what. With or without you.”
He gives me a look. Part hurt, part pity. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ. What’s gotten into you?”
“You don’t even notice I haven’t been around much,” I mutter. “At least you haven’t said anything.”
He stiffens. Guilt flickers behind his eyes, but he doesn’t apologize.
“See,” I say. “She’s the most important thing to you. Not school. Not me. Not Fireball.”
Padraig grips the wheel. “Stevie doesn’t take me from you. She fills something else.”
“No, you fill her. Ten times a day. Trust me. I’m in the next bed. Can’t fuckin’ wait to get out of the dorm room.”
His voice sharpens. “Don’t be a dick. She’s one of your best friends. She’s the woman I love. I won’t continue this conversation if you disrespect my relationship.”
“Fer fuck’s sake,” I mutter. “I didn’t mean it as a shot. I’m not pissed. I’m realistic.”
Padraig keeps his eyes on the road for a while. Like if he stares long enough, he won’t have to continue the conversation.
“Look, I noticed,” he says finally. “I figured you needed space.”
I laugh bitterly. “Yeah. Well…”
“You could’ve said something.”
“Say what, Dar?” I look out the window. The sky’s bleeding into a gray space where day turns useless. “I fucking detest being an extra body you keep around.”
“C’mon. You’re actin’ a maggot.”
“No, it’s true. You and Stevie are so close, I’m starting to feel like a shadow in my own fucking space. Every night I’m in the corner trying not to choke on it.”
Padraig doesn’t flinch.
“I want what you have,” I admit. “But, it’s never gonna happen for me. I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to figure it all out. I’ve tried fucking the shame out. Campus, clubs, whoever will have me. It doesn’t answer any questions.”
The words are sharp in my mouth, but I don’t pull back. “I don’t know how to build anything lasting. I don’t trust myself to stay faithful.”
I look at him. He’s quiet. Listening carefully.
“You and Stevie make it look easy. I’m not saying it’s perfect, I know it’s not.
It’s close, though. I see the way you look at her like she’s home.
I see the way she lets you in…” I pause.
“But, she’s not going to tour with us. You hope she’ll change her mind.
She won’t. It’s going to hurt. I’m scared you don’t see how much. ”
Padraig’s fingers flex on the wheel. “She loves me. She’s not going anywhere.”
“I hope you’re right.”
We sit in silence, which I can’t stand.
“Fuck, I’m not jealous,” I blurt. “I’m lonely. I watch you build something and all I can think about is how I don’t even know how to start.”
“You start by being honest.”
“I’m trying.” I slouch down in the seat. “It’s tough when everything you want feels wrong.”
“You’re not broken.” He palms my shoulder.
“I don’t want to be the one always leaving. I want to stop feeling like a mistake.” I look down at the floor.
Padraig slides his hand up to the back of my neck, warm and steady. “No matter what happens, Dar. I’ve always got you.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I believe him.
He sighs. “I promise, you’ve got me.”
“Not all of you.” The words slide out before I can stop them. I look out the window, the fading light unfolding across the hood of the truck. “Don’t you think you’re too serious? I heard you and her whispering about fuckin’ marriage. You’re twenty, for God’s sake.”
“Not for a few years. Jesus.” He rolls his eyes.
I laugh under my breath. “Don’t feckin’ lie to me or yourself.”
He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t have to.
I can see it written across his face. The way he looks when she texts. How he melts into goo when he says her name. He’s already gone and I can’t let him leave.
I need the band.
Fireball is the only thing keeping me going anymore.
Padraig flips on the headlights as the sky deepens to indigo.
“Would you choose her if she gave you an ultimatum? I deserve to know.”
“I don’t want to choose,” he says.
I turn away. “Well, I guess we’ll see.”
We’ve arrived in Spokane. The Big Dipper’s neon flickers ahead. We park in the lot and reality sets in.
Inside, it’s either a new start. Or another disaster. Probably both
We’ve got no lead singer. No time to find one and be ready for the new school year. We’re here following some rumor from a stage tech about a girl with a voice so special the sound isn’t coming from her, but through her.
Inside the venue, the floor’s tacky with old beer and other unrecognizable fluids. Bad lighting. Musty smells. Patrons don’t look up. Until she walks on stage.
She doesn’t even have to say her name.
Felicity.
I feel her presence like a blade against my ribs.
She takes the mic like it’s a secret only she knows. Her eyes catch the light, and I swear she notices me immediately. Not Padraig. Not the crowd.
Me.
When her mouth falls open, the room doesn’t fall silent, it leans in. Every man gapes. Every woman stares.
I forget everything I was brooding about.
The band behind her fades into wallpaper. The tech was right, her voice is the only thing worth paying attention to. Smoky, jagged, sweet with teeth. She could pour gasoline on a torch and still make it sound like a lullaby.
I’m already picturing her on stage singing our songs. I imagine pulling her backstage, my fingers wound around her hair as I bend her over an amp and fuck her. No foreplay. No questions. Heat and sweat and beautiful, broken cries when my cock bottoms out over and over again.
She’ll hate me for it. Then beg for more.
I don’t even pretend it won’t ruin everything. I can already see Padraig’s face. Tight-lipped, disappointed. He’s probably picturing how her voice blends with ours, how she’ll look on a poster. Her and Stevie getting facials together.
Me? I know better. This woman isn’t made for spa treatments.
She’s going to ruin us and we’ll let her.
It’ll be worth it.
I want the chaos. The destruction. I want to bleed for something to make me feel again. She’s it. Her voice, her body, the way her eyes slice through the crowd and pin me to the wall. This is what I’ve been chasing for years.
She’s also what Fireball is missing.
Felicity finishes the song.
Padraig leans in, whispering something about tone and control and how perfect she is.
He’s right.
We’re going to bring her into the band.
I’m going to fuck her.
It’s all going to burn.