Chapter 16
sixteen
Liam
Nine Months Lataer
Padraig’s in the living room when I get home.
No surprise. It’s Sunday, early afternoon, where else would he be?
He’s curled up in the corner of the couch, one arm hooked behind his head, eyes closed. Not asleep. Motionless. He does this a lot lately. As if moving might make something else fall apart.
I toe off my boots by the door and drop my jacket on the hook. “You miss church or did you finally renounce God for rock and roll?”
His lips twitch, barely. “Don’t need church when you live with a judgmental bastard.”
“Fair.”
I flop into the armchair across from him, legs wide. There’s a mug on the coffee table. Half-drunk tea, probably cold by now. A stack of spiral notebooks, none of them mine. One of my cracked picks sits on top as a useless paperweight.
He still hasn’t looked at me.
“Stevie made it to New York okay?” I ask, even though I already know. I watched her Instagram story this morning. She posted a sunrise over the Hudson with the caption: New chapter begins.
Padraig nods. “She landed last night. Her mom went with her.”
No mention of how he wishes he’d gone with her. No mention of the shattered look on his face when her name came up at the show last night. For weeks until she left, he’d been pacing the house like he’s looking for something he can’t name.
My brother’s got a heart the size of Ireland and doesn’t know what to do when it cracks.
I lean forward, elbows on knees. “You talk to her?”
He opens his eyes, finally. They’re bloodshot. “Texted a bit.”
“Good.” I pause. “I know this is brutal, Dar.”
“No, you really don’t.” His voice is rough, not unkind.
Fair enough. I don’t exactly know…yet.
He sits up straighter, rubbing his palms together, trying to generate friction against something he can’t name. “You think it’s a good thing, don’t you?” he mutters. “Her leavin’. For you it’s a win.”
The way he says “win” hits me in the sternum.
Doesn’t mean I’m going to react. “Well, if you mean by “win,” I think it’s good she’s chasin’ her dream, then yes. Same way you should feel.”
He stares at me. “What the fuck do you mean?”
“It means you’ve been playin’ house since you were seventeen. Her getting’ the job in New York could free you up to remember who you were before she made you her everything.”
He jolts. “She didn’t make me do anything.”
“Didn’t say she did. I love Stevie, you know I do. In my opinion, though, you’ve forgotten how to want somethin’ for yourself.”
“Huh. Seems rich comin’ from you.”
I tilt my head. “What do you mean?”
“You and Linus, always off whisperin’ about the band. Pretending it’s all strategy, when really it’s an excuse to be together.” He jabs the air. “I’ve never hidden how much I love Stevie. You hide behind Fireball, so you don’t have to admit how much you love him.”
His comment cuts deeper than I expect.
“I can admit it.” I shift in my seat. “I’m not ashamed.”
“Could’ve fooled me. You barely look at him when we’re out.”
I tense. “Our relationship is no one’s fuckin’ business.”
“Exactly.” His voice drops. “No one’s business but the people who give a shit. What are we doin,’ Dar? Linus is someone who sees you, backs you, would burn the world down for you, and you treat him like he’s disposable.”
Ugh. His words land like a clean strike to my gut.
I blow out a breath, trying to keep my hands from shaking. “Can’t go all in on my relationship when I’m tryin’ to keep the band from fallin’ apart.”
He shakes his head. Not angry. Sad. “I get it, Dar. I do. But Stevie’s gone. She’s actually gone. I can’t pretend I’m not wrecked. Can you give me a fuckin’ break?”
His voice fractures. I hate for him to hurt this bad. I can’t fix it and I’m the reason we’re here circling each other like strangers instead of the only constants we’ve ever had.
“I never hid how much I love her.” He squeezes his eyes shut.
“I never made her feel small for being part of my world, I wanted her to be immersed in my world. It hurts she didn’t want the same thing.
You have someone who’ll do anything for you—for Fireball.
You treat him like he’s leavin’ and he’s not even gone yet.
” His eyes flash open. “Make it make sense?”
I rub my eyes. This conversation is spiraling into territory I’m not comfortable acknowledging myself, let alone discussing it with anyone else. Besides, I haven’t even broached what I came here to say.
“About the band.” I let out a heavy sigh. “We need to talk about what’s happenin’.”
He scoffs. “Here we go.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. You want me to promise I won’t follow her, right?”
I flinch. “No. Well, yeah, kind of. Fireball won’t continue if you’re not with me.”
“I’m here,” he snaps. “I chose Fireball. I didn’t fuckin’ go to New York.”
“You’re half here. I need you all the way in.”
“I’m not a machine.”
I stand and pace. My hands are fists at my sides. “Do you remember what this band means to me? To us? Do you even fuckin’ recall the sacrifices Connor made for us to have this shot?”
He blinks. “Of course I do.”
“No.” I turn to face him. “I don’t think you ever really did. You’ve been distracted by Stevie for years. God, my ears used to bleed at the sound of you two fuckin’ like rabbits in our dorm room.”
He doesn’t answer.
“For me.” I gesture around the room. “Music’s the only thing to ever make sense. The only thing I had when Da threw me down the stairs. Something you and I create together.”
Padraig flinches. Of course he knows. He’s the one who stood between us and took a shot in the face trying to stop it from happening.
In the hovering silence, I might as well say my piece.
“You think I don’t want to let myself love Linus the way you love Stevie?
I do. Jesus, I do. But what’s the point?
His visa’s up soon. He’s not stayin.’ Why open my fuckin’ heart up any more than I have when I know he’s goin’ to leave?
Both of us know it’ll be fuckin’ impossible for us to have a long-term, committed relationship with each other.
Neither of us want to be in a monogamous gay relationship. ”
I rake my hand through my hair, restless. Raw.
“I have to focus on the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I pour my pain into the songs. Into the stage. Into you. Fireball and you are the only two things I have that don’t make me feel like my life is a mistake.”
Padraig’s expression flickers. Concern etches his brow. I’m not saying this to manipulate him, I’m bleeding out the cold, honest truth I’ve been afraid to admit.
“I’m alive because of this band,” I finish. “Knowin’ we’d be doing this together…we can be great. Make a difference. Not only for us. For Connor.”
Padraig lets out a bitter breath. “If I ever lose you, I won’t be able to bear it.”
I pause, taken off guard.
He steps closer, voice low but shaking. “I’ve chosen you for years, Liam.
The band. The dream. Every time Stevie needed support, I was focused on the next gig.
Every time she talked about us raisin’ a family together someday, I blew her off like it wasn’t a priority.
When it comes down to it, I didn’t give her any hope she could have a happily ever after with me.
She’s always known you and the band are my priority.
I’m tryin’ to come to terms with my choice, Liam.
Can you please give me the space to process? ”
“Padraig—”
“No. You don’t get to act like I’ve been half-in. You don’t get to question my loyalty when I’ve been bleedin’ for Fireball right alongside you.”
My throat goes dry. He’s not yelling. He doesn’t need to. The hurt in his voice says everything. I’ve asked him for too much and he’s given it. I’m a fucking asshole. “I know. I’m sorry I made you feel otherwise.”
“Are you?” His voice cracks. “Most times, it feels like none of it counts. Like I’m never enough.”
“Can we both dial it back for a second?” I beg. “We’ve got a real fuckin’ shot and we have to make a decision. You and me. Linus sees it too, and I know you trust his opinion. Felicity’s dead weight. We can’t take her with us if we want Fireball to work.”
Padraig shakes his head, exhausted.
“I want to dump Felicity,” I state plainly. “Then rerecord the EP with a new vocalist. Someone who actually wants to be in the band, not create drama for the sake of it.”
He crosses his arms. “Are you fuckin’ serious? We’ve done too much with her. Rehearsals. Studio time—”
“So what. Now’s a good time to cut our losses and start fresh. She’s not the right fit.”
“She’s good.”
“She’s poison,” I shoot back. “In the past year, she turns every rehearsal into a power struggle. The woman terrorizes Linus with her demands. And stop pretendin’ she’s not trying to get in your pants. It’s so fuckin’ obvious she’s turned her obsession with me to you.”
His jaw sets. “She hasn’t—”
“She has,” I snap. “She’s been givin’ you the ooey-gooey, honey-bear treatment to get you on her side. You think I don’t see it? Everyone does.”
Padraig looks away, color high in his cheeks.
I carry on. “Dar, you’re loyal to a fault, but this isn’t about loyalty. It’s about purpose. About buildin’ something lastin’ so the sacrifices we’ve made are worth it.”
“Truthfully, I don’t have it in me right now to make a change.” He exhales. “I don’t see how you do.”
“A toxic dynamic isn’t getting us anywhere. If we don’t dump her, what do we do? Tell me.”
He can’t.
“You’ve said more than once,” I suppress my fervor for a second, “I’m your anchor. The truth is, you’re mine, Dar. I need us.”
His eyes flick up. “You could have Linus if you wanted.”
I close the distance, drop onto the coffee table in front of him. “I love Linus. I really do. But, our time is almost up.”
Padraig frowns. “You don’t know…”
“I do.”
“Really?”
“I think…” I scrub a hand down my face. “I think I don’t want to be tied down. I want to fuck who I want. Love who I want. Build a career no one can take from me.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t believe you. You’d take fuckin’ around over Linus?”
“Yes.”
“Bullshit.”
I meet his gaze and double down. “Believe me. I want this to be you and me. You beside me. Not behind me. No distractions. We started this together. It’s the only thing we have.”
“I miss her.” His shoulders slump.
“I know.”
He buries his head in his hands. “No, really miss her. Her laugh. Her way of knowin’ exactly what I need. The way she always makes me feel.”
“I miss her too.”
He laughs, surprised. “You do?”
“She’s always been our glue.” I pat his knee. “From the time we were kids.”
“I wish I believed you.”
“Now.” I smile. “If you stop letting Felicity cloud your decisions, we’ve got a shot.”
He groans and hides his face in his hands.
I stand and offer my hand. “You know I’m right.”
“Doesn’t mean I want to admit it.” He takes it and I pull him up.
“Start by showin’ up. Fully. We’ve got new tracks to cut. A shot at touring this summer. A few festivals are sniffin’ around.”
He perks up. “Seriously?”
“Linus has contacts. Our new songs are better than anything we’ve done.”
His brow furrows. “You really think we can replace her?”
“I know we can.”
He looks at me, really looks. “Let’s get through the shows we have and low-key look around.”
My chest eases. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence again. Not heavy. Hopeful. Like something cracked open to let something new in.
He glances at me. “So…we’re back?”
I grin. “We never left. We forgot who we were.”
His slings an arm around my neck. “Let’s fuckin’ find out.”