Chapter Seven – Therapeutic Investment
Lying in the hotel bed, I couldn’t help myself.
I pulled up the analytics reports from our website and all social media.
Traffic was way up overall; we’d had a sixty-seven percent increase in just one day.
I knew the trend would continue. I did the math on the cost of being there.
Adding in my appearance fee, it was definitely working.
I made it back home, checked in at the gym, and then spent the rest of the day hiding in my home.
I was grateful to have taken an extra day to myself, because I didn't want to run into Likosa again. Something told me she would know the moment I walked through the door. I was surprised she hadn’t swung by during my quick visit.
I spent the night hanging with Sire. She often got agitated when I spent too much time away from her.
The bird treated me like I was a bald-headed stepchild, only there to be an audience for her songs, but I knew the truth: she was lonely.
And I understood how she felt. There weren’t many phoenixes around—in my experience, there weren’t many people like me around either.
We were two unique beings wishing for a flock we’d likely never find.
The next morning, I headed into my therapist's office, ready to pour out my heart about the new client. But when I sat across from her, I couldn't seem to force the words out of my mouth, because I knew what she would tell me.
First, she would say I needed to distance myself from this new woman.
Then, she would reinforce that by reminding me it was inappropriate from a professional standpoint, that it was unhealthy to continue the relationship.
She would tell me that because it was the right thing to say, and because I paid her a lot of money to tell me the right thing.
So, I kept my mouth shut and started talking about how I felt alone. It was a repeat of a conversation we’d had at least fifteen other times, and I would kick myself for wasting the session and the money to pay for it.
I could turn to my friends or my journal about the new woman, the budding feelings, and the heat between us. Okay, maybe I would turn to my journal more.
“Shontae, I know you’re hiding something from me now.
And, as usual, I won’t push you to confront things any faster than you’re comfortable with.
” She leaned forward and peered at me over the top of her glasses.
Her braids fell across the tablet in her lap.
“But whatever it was that made you reach out had to have been important for you to request an emergency meeting. That’s not something you’ve done before.
So, if you want to waste your dime here, feel free.
I’m looking to get that new Lexus, so I’ll take all the easy money I can. ”
“It’s entirely inappropriate.” My shoulders dropped as I expressed what was really on my mind.
“And you think I’m going to judge you for it?” she asked.
“Well, yes,” I chuckled. “Because I’m judging me for it.”
“I’m not here to judge things, you know that. Only to help you process the information.” She took a sip of the tea on her desk. “So, whenever you’re ready.”
“There is a new client, or I guess former client now.”
“Okay, and is this client causing you trouble?” Her brow furrowed.
“In a way. There was tension between us, of the inappropriate kind. I made it clear we could not pursue it in any way,” I admitted, trying to avoid the feeling of being judged. “And she agreed not to return to the gym.”
“Okay, I’m not seeing the problem here.” She frowned. “You identified a potential issue, addressed it directly, and the issue is now resolved. Am I missing something?”
“She wants to see each other outside of the gym.” I tapped my finger on the arm of the chair. “As soon as I brought it up, she suggested it.”
“Now that could be a problem.”
“Exactly. I don’t want this to complicate things for me. Not now, when things are going so well.”
“Let me ask you something.” She paused. “How long was this woman your client? How many times have you seen her approximately?”
“Oh, um, less than a week. Two sessions. One in a full class and then one solo.”
“And after the solo class, you told her you couldn’t both train her and pursue anything physical with her?”
“Yes.”
“And she left the gym?”
‘Yes.”
“I’m not seeing the problem here.” She placed her tablet on the desk and leaned back in her chair.
“How are you not seeing it? This is not okay. I am a trainer, and to pick up someone from my class is morally wrong.” I tried to reinforce my reasoning. It was cut and dry.
“Sounds to me like you’re not exactly the one picking her up. This woman is pushing up on you. And you handled things exactly the way you should have. So the question becomes…is this something you want to do? Are you interested in her?”
I didn’t answer her; it sounded like she would agree with what my friends said, and I was not okay with that.
“You do realize you don’t have to do anything just because I or anyone else thinks it’s morally okay, right? If you don’t agree, you stand on that. But don’t seek external validation for your decisions.”
“Are you sure you’re not magically inclined?
” I asked when she had all but pulled the insecurity from my brain and laid it out on my lap.
It was something I’d worked hard to overcome, the need for external validation.
But sometimes, I slipped back into it like a security blanket protecting me from the responsibility of making my own choices.
“No, all my clients are, though. Funny how that happens. I think you all just like dropping your woes off on a mortal who will eventually die.” She chuckled. “Eventually, all the evidence of your traumas dies along with them.”
“That is a morbid thought. And for all we know, I may die someday as well. I mean, everyone else in my family dies of old age. They live only slightly longer than the average human. Why would it be any different for me?” It was something I thought about time and time again.
No one else in my family seemed to be like me. So what other things were different?
“You said the one before you lived to be hundreds of years old, correct?”
“Five hundred and seventy-six years, to be exact.” I shrugged. “But that was more a family rumor I never verified. No one could say with certainty it was true.”
“Right, well, my human ass isn’t making it to that age. So, you’re hypothetically immortal in my eyes.”
“I’ll take that.”
“Listen, Shontae. You’ve worked a lot on trusting your instincts. I know you’ve had some struggles because of your abilities, but this might be good for you. You’re addressing this attraction much more head on than you have others in the past.”
“There’s another thing.” I nodded.
“What’s that?” She picked her tablet up again, tapping the screen with the pen to wake it up.
“It looks like she can block my abilities.” As soon as I said it, she started scribbling on the screen. “I can’t feel what she feels, and I don’t think I can affect her emotions either.”
“Even better!” She looked far too excited about this piece of information.
“How is this better?”
“You won’t be able to emotionally manipulate her!” She brightened.
“I don’t do that!” I frowned.
“What else would you call what you do?” she asked. “I mean, I know it’s not something you would do with ill intent, but that’s what it is.”
“Um, soothing, adjusting, I don’t know. Anything but emotional manipulation. That sounds so terrible.”
“Call it what you want, but it’s good you can’t do it to her. Maybe you’ll finally be forced to deal with emotions the way everyone else does. You’ll have to learn a new way to process them.”
“I process my emotions just fine,” I said defensively.
“Not your emotions, hers,” she corrected.
“Okay.” I looked at my watch. “Look at that. Our time’s up.”
“You’re calling an end to this meeting? Isn’t that my job?”
“Not today!” I laughed as I got up and walked out of the cozy little office. “See ya next time, doc!”
She followed me out the door, waddling along. “Don’t forget, I’m having my baby soon, so I won’t be around in about three weeks. If you need anything, my assistant will connect you to my backup.”
“I’ll wait until you return. I don’t need anyone else in my business, telling me about myself.” I winked. “Have a safe delivery and take some time to enjoy your baby before you rush back to work.”
“Which one of us is the therapist here?” She laughed as I exited.
For the rest of the day, I thought about the advice I’d received from both my therapist and my friends. Were they right about me? Should I lean into taking a chance? I didn’t want to wear women like accessories, but I also didn’t want to get things messy at my gym either.
Girl, she isn’t coming to your gym anymore! You can’t keep using that as an excuse.
I fussed at myself internally, and this was the way it went for the next three days.
Even though I told her not to book another session with me, I waited to see her again. I wanted to hear her voice and experience the oddity of her eyes. I thought about how she sounded like a melody and smelled of freshwater.
Likosa’s private lesson was still on my calendar, even after the system glitches were cleared, but I stood in the waiting area ten minutes after the start time, and there was no sign of her.
“Are you okay? You look like a lost puppy.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. The client no-showed.” I turned from the window to see Meka popping a grape into her mouth.
“Okay, since when do you hang around waiting for clients to show up?” She frowned. “You’d usually use this time to take care of something more important. I’m sure there are emails you can respond to, right? People blowing you up with requests for more appearances?”
“You’re right. I…” My brain went blank searching for an excuse for my actions.