Chapter Twenty-Two - Different Friend, Same Message
~Likosa~
I was awake when Shontae snuck out of her home.
It would have been nice to see her, but I understood how uncomfortable my presence might have caused her to feel.
For a moment, after listening to her tiptoe past the door, I considered withdrawing my offer to stay with her.
Then, I heard the chime of the device I’d secured just for talking to Shontae.
She’d be back and wanted to see me when she returned.
After letting Sire out of the bedroom, I pulled at the threads of energy between the worlds, tuning it to open a path to the Bane. I’d be back before Shontae was home, but I needed to talk to a friend.
When I made it to Windsor’s, she was standing in her garden, singing to her flowers. Every hand was busy—watering, pruning, taking care of her prized possessions.
“I love it when you sing.” I smiled as I approached her. “One of the most beautiful sounds in the universe.”
“Oh, my friend is upset!” Windsor laughed. “For you to compliment my croaking, you must be out of sorts. Come—sit and tell me what’s on your mind.”
Windsor led me to a large wooden bench beneath an arch of firepulse buds. They were beautiful flora that bloomed only during the hottest seasons and at night, lit up with pulsing energy that mimicked stars.
When I first met Windsor, I never imagined she would have such feminine energy. She was the embodiment of physical strength in ways one might be considered masculine, but everything about her focused on self-love and self-care. Windsor’s highest priority was her own comfort.
If she were on Earth, they would have called her a feminist, but in the Bane, she was just Windsor, someone who chose herself, and that was okay. Watching her choose herself time and time again over the years made me wish for the first time I could be like someone other than myself.
“So, dear friend, tell me: what did you come here to talk about?” Windsor asked as she sat on the bench and patted the seat beside her.
“How is it you know me so well?” I asked as I joined her.
“I'll tell you, it's not easy.” She laughed with a full-bodied sound that made the universe feel warmer.
“You with your guards set firmly in place, but pieces of you, little bits of information, have slipped out over the years.
I take them and keep them safe. For instance, I know when you're quiet, you're being analytical, building a plan, and when you're boisterous, you're distracting from something.
When you're soft, like the way you appeared here today, it means you have something on your mind. And I'm here to listen, as always.”
“How do you do it, Windsor?” I looked around at the beauty she’d created in her garden.
Windsor waited for me to explain what I meant.
“How do you continue to choose yourself? I see how much pressure you’re under.
I watch you navigate it all with ease, let that pressure wash away, and continue to take care of yourself. How?”
“You're asking me for advice with that, Likosa?” She clicked her tongue. “Excuse me if I’m confused here, but if I've ever seen anyone choose themselves, it's you.”
“It would appear that way, yes, but…” I paused to gather the courage to continue. “I think for a long time, I've just been putting on a show, appearing to have strength only as a blanket of protection.”
“This is one of those moments when you're going to have to let your barrier down just a little. Tell me what’s really going on inside that head of yours.”
“My plan has been the same since I arrived in the Bane: find a way back home.
I'm sure that's not at all a surprise. Almost two hundred years ago, I found a way, but it was something I would have to plan out. I worked everything out, down to the timing of the doorway to my world reopening. Two hundred years is a long time to wait for a plan to come to fruition.”
“Are you here to say goodbye?” Her voice carried a faint undercurrent of disappointment. “Is it time for you to go home now?”
“No, not quite. But the plan is working, and if I stick to it, I will be going home soon.”
“Of course, I’ll be sad to see you go, but shouldn’t you be happy about that?” She picked up a pitcher of water I hadn’t noticed before and poured a glass, handing it to me. “It sounds like you’ve put so much into this.”
“You’re right, I should be.”
“But?”
“Have you ever been so focused on reaching a goal, you lose sight of why you wanted it to begin with? Somewhere along the way, I forgot to ask if it was something I really wanted for myself. I’m realizing now, at no point in time have I considered if maybe the goal should have changed.”
“This is about the woman, isn't it?” She sipped directly from the pitcher. “She's the one who’s inspired you to reconsider.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“I suspect if your mind was a house, I’d see her face painted across every wall.”
“Windsor, there's something about this woman, something that calls to me and makes me want to break down every wall I've ever built.
When I'm near her, I feel that shield trembling, and I have to hold on to it tightly to keep it in place. There was a time, a moment, when she saw behind the barrier, and I freaked out because I wanted her to keep looking. I wanted her to know everything there was to know about me.”
“I’ll just sit here and wait for you to get to the part that troubles you, because I don’t see a problem.”
“The problem is that I am not able to give in to this fully.” I watched the aerial pursuit of birds in the distance. “It’s wrong to even approach the topic when I am not sure I can go through with it.”
“How can you know you're sure if you don't approach?” She looked up at the sky, pondering, and then spoke again.
“But also, what is it about her that makes her different from all the other women you've ever been with?
This isn't the first interest you've had, but no one else has had this effect on you.”
“She feels like home.” As I spoke, I saw Shontae’s face in my mind and couldn’t help but smile.
“Damn.”
“Yeah, I think I surprised even myself with that one, but it’s the truth.
” I toyed with the cup in my hands. “For the first time in a long time, when I'm with her, I feel like I'm home.
I don't need to go searching for it. I don't need to get back to it.
When I am with Shontae, I am home. And I can't make that make sense.
I know where my home is; there are people I left behind and things that I'm responsible for. I need to get back there.”
“I understand. You feel obligated to the home you left behind, and you made a promise to yourself that you would get back there.” She considered what I said to her.
“And maybe all you need to do is go back. What says you have to stay? But let’s put that to the side and focus on the most important thing. ”
“What’s that?”
“You can’t go anywhere until you know what this is between you and Shontae. Do you really want to go home, or do you really want to stay here in the Bane with the question unanswered? I've known you for a long time. That's not something I think you want.”
I nodded. “You’re right.”
“Has more happened between you?”
“More?” I closed my eyes as a cool breeze brushed by us.
“You know…physically speaking.” Windsor nudged my shoulder.
“Yes,” I said, imagining Shontae and the vulnerability in her eyes. She was so open, much more than I’d expected her to be.
“Did the way you feel start before or after the physical activity?”
“My feelings for Shontae started the moment I saw her in person.” I opened my eyes to find Windsor staring at me with a soft understanding.
“It was so different, Windsor. I’ve watched her from afar, just like the others.
I had to learn about them, understand who they were and how I could help them, all while helping myself. ”
“You wanted to help them?”
“Yes. My goal was to go home, but I didn’t want to take advantage of anyone to make that happen.
So, I tried to make sure they each got something out of it.
Rayna needed to understand herself and find a way to explore new worlds.
She had to know her gift wasn’t a disorder, like she’d convinced herself it was.
Whitney needed courage to think outside the box and give her the confidence to explore new opportunities.
As bold as she was, she always played it safe.
And Jericha needed to learn she didn’t have to carry the world on her shoulders.
She needed to learn how to trust people to help her. ”
“You really thought this through.” Windsor smiled. “What does Shontae need?”
“I couldn’t figure that out. She distanced herself from people because of her gifts, but she still had close relationships that appeared meaningful to her.
I thought maybe, if I could meet her in person, really get to know her, I could figure out how to help her.
She was just so unexpected.” I chuckled to myself.
“From that first meeting, I knew she’d gotten to me.
I lingered, Windsor. I hung around, just waiting to see her for a few more moments, to catch her eye.
She clearly wanted me to leave, but I was still there. ”
“She didn’t kick you out, so maybe she didn’t want you to go?”
“It’s possible.” I nodded. “She acknowledged the tension between us right away, and that’s when things really changed. Her boldness and her honesty made me want to protect her. Now, I find myself saying things I know I wouldn't ever have said to anyone else. And I mean them.”
“You care for her.”
“So much that I admitted it without pause.” When I said it to Shontae, I felt like I could float, but that moment was fleeting, because a heavy sense of guilt followed. Who was I to care for her?
“So why are you here now?” Windsor asked, pulling me from thoughts that were growing more removed from the moment. “Why are you not there with her?”
“What if I hurt her? I could walk away from this now, and she would be alright. She might miss me, yeah, but she would eventually move on. If we were to get closer, it could be dangerous. And it would be so selfish to put her through that, knowing my plan is to leave.”
“Plans change, Likosa. I know you’re the queen of the plan.
You like things to go the way you want, but don’t be afraid to pivot.
” Windsor stood from the bench, stretching her limbs.
“I say this with so much love and respect for you, but you’ve had your heart encased in stone for centuries.
I know it's not easy to come out of something like that, but it’s time to take a hammer to that stone. ”
“Just like that, huh?” I sipped the water. “How do you suggest I do that?”
“I’m no expert in this. You don't just go from pushing everyone away to giving and receiving love freely overnight.
Oddly enough, I think I'm the only person who actually gets to feel how it is when you love, and though I've barely experienced it, something tells me the full force of your affection would be magical.”
“Hey, I’ve shown you plenty of love.”
“You’ve shown me topical love, and I appreciate it, I do.
But I know you are the type who loves with everything that's in you. Which is why I have to call bull when you’re sitting here telling me you're worried about how this will affect her.
The truth, Likosa, whether or not you want to admit it, is that you're afraid of how this will affect you.”
“What are you growing out here?” I stood and searched the garden. “Clearly, there is some kind of hallucinogenic that has you confused right now.”
“I don’t taint my garden with anything like that, and you know it.
All that stuff grows on the other side of the property!
” She winked. “I know what I’m talking about.
You’re afraid of how deeply you will care for her and how that care will turn to love.
I don’t think you’re afraid of leaving her.
You’re afraid of what she will do. Maybe she's the one who will walk away.
Maybe she's the one who will push you away.”
I straightened. “It's happened before.”
“Is that what this is about? You were hurt in the past, and you’re afraid of it happening again?”
“She could push me away.” I placed my hand on my chest to ease the tension. My heart burned with unexpressed emotions.
“Or she could embrace you.” Windsor wrapped three arms around me and lifted my chin with her free hand. “Likosa, she could love you. She could see you. Better than anyone in the universe if you let her. Have you considered that?”
“For someone who's running away from relationships, you're really good at this stuff.” I leaned into her hug—Windsor gave the best hugs. All her arms, strong from her work in the garden, felt like being crushed by a bear. It was the best feeling.
“I'm only running until this baby-making factory is done. When that’s over with, I'll find me someone to cozy up with. Until then, you’ll find me enjoying my life in my garden.”
“You're going to get cozy with Cufio?” I teased her, and she immediately pushed me away. I stumbled but kept my footing. “Woah, what was that for? What happened to showing love?”
“Please do not bring that man up to me.” Windsor rolled her eyes. “Even mentioning his name is a threat. He might just pop up like a djinn summoned by a desperate soul.”
“Oh, come on. He really likes you.” I poked at her. “He would give you the world if you gave him a chance.”
“And I really like putting my foot up shadow walkers’ asses, but I've been restraining myself.” She frowned. “I’m not interested, and I don’t need you encouraging his behavior! You’ll have that man over here, trying to eat me out of house and home!”
“Hey, I’m not petitioning to be an advocate for him,” I relented. “I can barely tolerate the man.”
“He's not so bad as a friend. It’s when he insists on it being more that I just want to punch him in the face.” She laughed.
“But you and I know he’s not serious about any of this.
He’s another one who jokes about wanting something to disguise that it’s really the last thing he wants.
He pesters me because he knows I won’t give in.
But if I were to call him on it, he’d step into the shadows, never to return. ”
“You keep your hands in the gardens and off that shadow walker.”
“I'll do that, and you carry your butt back to Earth. Let that woman love on you.” Windsor made a heart in front of her face with her hands.
“Thank you, friend. Really.”
“Anytime.”
I left my friend as I found her, singing and dancing in her garden. When I made it back to Shontae’s home, Sire sang as she flew over to me, kissing my cheek with her beak. I immediately pulled out my phone to text Shontae.
See you soon.