4. Little Old Ladies
Of course, I got very little sleep that night. I swear, every little sound had me jumping out of my damn skin and reaching for the five-hundred-dollar collector’s baseball bat that was no longer in its pristine casing but now propped up against my nightstand. It wasn’t much, but I hoped it would at least give me enough time to run away—if I didn’t fall on my ass from delirium first.
When I finally slept, my dreams were invaded by a shapeshifting demon with adjustable horns, a rotating dick, and a terrifying backdrop of the underworld. My mind concocted images of a blazing landscape filled with demons, the darkest voids, and hellfire. Despite the scenery that belonged more in a horror story than an erotic one, the narrative shifted from fear to fucking. Each time, I woke up just before the demon ripped my clothes off and banged me into oblivion.
And yeah, I was pissed about it. It was hard enough being horny, but horny and terrified was an unnerving combination. By the time morning came, I felt like shit. The sun peered through the sheer curtains, making me wish more and more that I wasn’t such a cheap ass and had shelled out the extra hundred bucks for the actual blackout curtains. The cheaper version just didn’t get the job done.
“Sunday morning. The demons should stay away. God, I hope so,” I muttered as I threw my feet over the edge of the bed. “Too bad I gave up the church scene years ago. Maybe someone there could actually help me out with this.”
Now, I wouldn’t call myself a religious type, and I also wasn’t one to believe in anything like demons, but in the last twenty-four hours, I’d already seen two in real life, one far more disgusting than the other. I could almost hear the raspy voice of my aunt, a bible-thumping nutcase, shouting from the rooftops about Jesus returning and dousing us all in holy water.
Every time I thought of it, I laughed. How could I not? My cousin Phil scared the hell out of the old woman while wearing a scarred face mask with makeshift horns he’d crafted out of twigs and tape. After that, she went on a week-long tirade of “cleansing” the youth of the family. If we came within three feet of her, she would splash us with foul-smelling liquid and then trap us in a bear hug and pray for our souls. When I told my mother about the smell, she teased me that it must have been toilet water. She said it was a joke, but to this day, I believed it was.
After careful consideration of recent events, I decided it was best to stay in. There was nothing on my to do list that called for going outside anyway. The last thing I wanted was another encounter like the one I’d had at the park. Unfortunately, the self-inflicted restriction backfired. It was like being a hormonal teenager. The moment when your parents told you not to do something, suddenly, it was like the world would end if you didn’t get to experience it right then and there. I tried distracting myself with various activities, like online games, streaming shows, paint-by-numbers, and anime, but of course, my mind kept wandering back to the land of demons.
After making myself a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup, I decided a good book was the thing I needed. I put the bowl to the side and began my search, and of course, my effort to find something on my ever-growing Tbr that captured my attention didn’t work. Sorting through the stack of books only made me spiral about my current situation. Reading was what got me into this mess; who the hell would have ever thought reading a spell from a novel would work? I tossed my third attempt at escaping into the carefully crafted fictional world to the side and then had a thought.
“It worked once,” I said to myself. I shrugged and then went on the search for more spells. “I swear, one of these books had a spell for tripling your income or something like that. I still need to buy a new car thanks to that too-tight pants wearing asshole.”
I muttered to myself as I continued my search for the book, and after coming up empty, I gave up. Maybe it was a good thing. It wasn’t as if the spell had gone according to plan. “Fuck it,” I huffed as I grabbed my bag and headed for the door before curiosity actually killed the cat.
I had no idea where I was going as I pulled out of my garage. I just needed to get the hell out of the house. I tried calling my girls up, to get some companionship in my moment of fleeting sanity, but once again, none of them answered their damn phones. I really need to make new friends.
As I drove, I went down the list of people I could call and felt weird at how short that list actually was. I refused to call my mother, who would only bore me for hours before eventually getting on my case about how old I was getting. I had the nerve to be in my thirties, unmarried, and with no kids. How dare I!
My dad would have been a good choice if he lived anywhere near me. After he retired, he moved seven states away and spent most of his time golfing, so there was no way I could just hop on his couch for the afternoon. He would have definitely kept me entertained with tales of the good old days. I could just hear him bragging about mackin’ on young girls and how fly his jheri curl was.
Instead of stalking my friends or blowing up their phones until I found companionship, I chose another route: the friendship of strangers you don’t actually have to talk to. The movies. Sure, watching things at home hadn’t worked a damn for clearing my mind, but that was different. A big dark theater full of strangers might be the thing to help. I pulled up to the theatre, opened the app on my phone, and purchased a ticket to the next showing, an action movie about three young girls battling aliens in outer space.
“Perfect.” I rolled my eyes. “At least it’s nearly sold out already.”
Inside, I paid for the grossly overpriced snacks, got the largest slushy they offered, and headed for my seat. And the damn theatre was empty, not a single person there. Any other time, this would have been my dream, but when demons were looking for me, it made my stomach twist into knots. I almost turned and left until two little old ladies entered behind me. Maybe the people who bought the other one hundred seats were just running late. Yeah, that was likely, five minutes before the movie was supposed to start. Nothing to worry about there!
But that was okay, because no demon would attack with grannies around…right? Wasn’t that like a horror movie rule? Grannies and babies were off limits? I wouldn’t know, because typically, I was too afraid to sit through a full horror flick. I’d always make up an excuse to leave, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. Oh, look, a fax just came in! They didn’t believe me, but they let me off the hook every time.
I settled into my seat, took several deep breaths, and started chomping on handfuls of popcorn as the movie began. The previews were interesting, mostly comedy and action. I made a mental note to check out one about single women abducted by aliens. Wasn’t too far off from my current lived experience.
Yeah, being in the nearly empty theater had my nerves on edge, but the movie was good. Once I got into it, I damn near forgot about everything. From the moment the first weird creature appeared on the screen followed by an afro sporting badass who kicked its head off its shoulder, I was stuck! It was about twenty minutes into the movie when the unexpected explosion made me jump so damn hard, I almost fell out my seat. I looked around to make sure no one saw me.
Of course, no one noticed. The damn place was still empty. I checked on the grannies to see if they’d survived the shock, but they weren’t there.
“What the hell?” I lifted from my seat to get a better look at the empty chairs, expecting to spot the tops of grey curly hair in the lower seats, but they weren’t there, and that nagging feeling in my stomach started again.
I squinted to scan the theater. There was a faint hope that the little old ladies had chosen better seats, considering no one else entered after them. I would find them eating their own snacks, so engrossed in the film that they hadn’t noticed how weird my ass was acting.
And then, the paranoia kicked in. My stomach twisted. If they were shuffling around through the darkness, I would have noticed. The movie was good, but it wasn’t that damn good. I hadn’t seen them leave. That spark of intuition nudged me and said it was time to get the hell out of there. I picked up my sling bag, threw it across my shoulder, and headed for the exit.
As much as I was enjoying the movie, something didn’t feel right, and that was reason enough to miss the ending. I made it to the exit and pushed against the swinging door, but it didn’t budge. I leaned all my weight against it, but the damn thing refused to move. The thin hairs on the back of my neck stood, and I felt the change in the energy in the room. With the building tension came the sounds of explosions blasting over the speakers. The movie grew more intense, and as the sound rose, so did my blood pressure.
I pounded my fist against the doors, but no one answered. Could they even hear me? Would they think my cries for help were just a part of the movie? There was barely anyone in the damn place anyway. Most people were spending their Sunday at church or sucking down mimosas at brunch, not in the chilly theaters watching women fighting aliens. Still, what else could I do? I banged on the door until my fists hurt from the impact then switched to kicking the damn thing.
“Help!” I screamed. “The door is stuck! Is anyone out there?” My throat burned from yelling, and still, no one came.
I looked over my shoulder and damn near kicked myself when I saw the glowing exit sign. In case of emergency, use the exit, not pound on the door like a maniac. I abandoned the useless door, hoping for better luck with the emergency exit.
I was a foot away from what I hoped would be my salvation when I heard it. The sound created such a fear in me that I skid to a halt just short of the door. I turned on my heel to the sound of bone chilling laughter. My eyes almost fell out of my head. Those two little old ladies with their blue-grey hair and large eyes stood at the top of the steps, mouths wide and displaying sharp teeth as they cackled.
“What the hell?” I spoke, but I couldn’t take my eyes off them.
They stood there, holding hands and watching me. Their wrinkled brown skin, deep-set eyes, and grey curls bobbled as they continued laughing. One lifted a thin finger at me as she laughed, like I was putting on some kind of one-woman show, my act timed and crafted with the perfect comedic punch lines.
“What the hell is so funny?” I couldn’t help myself. Irritation broke through fear, and I yelled at the woman.
“Oh, you’ll find out,” they said in unison and then did something that made my stomach twist into a knot.
The little old ladies wrapped their arms around each other then, in a process my mind wasn’t creative enough to imagine, they fused together! They melted into one form, like two scoops of ice cream on a hot summer day. Their bodies swirled and blended until they were indistinguishable from each other, their legs and arms sticking from places where they didn’t belong, and soon, I was looking at one oddly shaped body with two heads. Each head continued laughing as their faces mutated. Their chins elongated as their ears pressed into the side of their heads before disappearing altogether. I watched, completely disgusted, as gray hair transformed into whiskers above wrinkled foreheads and yellowed eyes resembling a mutated cat.
“Oh, hell no.” I took a slow step back, and then the damn thing started humming. That was the eerie ass sign in every horror story I’d ever read. Things were not about to play out in my favor. The cackling turned to something more sinister. It was time to get the hell out of there.
I turned and bolted for the door, and I made it. For a short moment, my dumb ass actually thought I was going to get out of there. But just like the first door, it didn’t budge. I threw my full weight against it, and even though I heard the latch click, it still didn’t open. My last hope was that it would at least sound the alarm, that someone would know I was in danger, but again, nothing happened. The soft light from the exit sign flickered above my head, and then it went out. Every damn light in the theater went out leaving me in darkness with that creepy ass humming.
“Fuck. What the hell was his name?” I squeezed my eyes shut, focusing on the conversation I had with the demon in my kitchen. If I needed him, he had to come, right?
The emergency lights switched on just in time for me to catch sight of mutated demon bitches coming straight for me. I had no way out. My eyes darted around to find a path. What could I do? Run in circles and hope they got so tired that they gave up trying to kill me?
That’s exactly what I did. I darted to the other side of the theatre, away from the exit. Luckily, the blended mess wasn’t agile, and instead of making a smooth turn to follow me, it crashed into the door where I had just been standing.
“Dammit,” I cursed at myself as I darted back up the steps. “What the hell is his name?”
I didn’t have much longer to figure it out. The humming turned to cackling again as the monstrosity corrected itself and made a path for me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep outrunning it. I ran again, twisting though the seats and glancing over my shoulder at the thing to make sure it wasn’t getting too close. And in true horror girly fashion, I looked back while trying to turn around a seat and fell flat on my ass.
That was it. I lost my edge, and the thing was closing in. It got close enough for me to smell its horrible breath, and apparently, that’s what I needed to remember his name.
As I scooted across the floor trying to regain my footing, I called out his name.
“Metice!”
Absolutely nothing happened.
He didn’t magically appear to save my day. Nope. No big dangerous demon to fight the crazy cat bitch. What happened was that mutated granny cat monster kept coming for me. If I hadn’t finally made it back to my feet, it would have got me. I dodged the clawed hand just in time. Back on my feet, I jumped up two rows, ran across the room, and when I saw it had followed my path, I ran back down the steps.
I could see a sliver of light coming through the emergency exit. The impact from when the mutation slammed into it earlier had bent the hinges and forced the door to open just enough to let the light in. That was my way out. All I had to do was outrun it a little longer, and then I”d be free.
I was surprised at how my body responded. Here I was, asthmatic, overweight, and knees aching with the age I pretended wasn’t on my license, while hopping down the stairs like they were nothing. Despite the unimaginable acrobatics I’d done, the demon was already closing in on my tail. The wicked voices blended with another round of sickly laughter.
Was he ignoring me?I couldn’t help the thought that flashed through my head. Where the hell was that damn demon? I was in trouble. He said he could feel me, so why hadn’t he felt any of this? At the bottom of the steps, I had a little too much momentum and skid across the floor, slamming into the wall beneath the screen.
The damn thing was now hopping over the chairs. I had no time. I darted for the door, pushing my body and ignoring the nasty sounds behind me. I made it. I made it to the door, and… it didn’t open! Despite the slither of light, the hinges were so badly bent, they fought against my efforts to open the door.
“Fuck!” I cried out as I turned and watched as the monster came for me.
I looked at the steps. Okay, time to go back up? The demonic old ladies must have read my thoughts, because just then, the fused being split with a disgusting sound like muscle being ripped from bone. Once they were two bodies again, they headed in different directions. That was it. They were going to corner me. I’d have nowhere to go.
“What the hell happened to you’ll come when I call?” I cursed beneath my breath and then tried one more time to call the demon who started this mess. “Metice! Get your dark ass over here and help me!”
That time, something changed. The atmosphere shifted with a new sense of tension, followed by a quick flush of heat that pulsated around me. My skin tingled, and for a moment, that tingle turned into red hot fire. And then, just as suddenly, it stopped. The two ugly old ladies must not have noticed it, because they continued to close in on me. The one to my right leapt through the air, and I threw my hands up to shield myself from her attack.
“Aacck!” the choking sound came before the thud of a body slamming into the wall.
I looked up to see the old lady on the ground, and just in front of me, the demon with the rotating dick. Finally.
Metice turned to the other one just as it changed its course, abandoning efforts to get to me. It screeched, no longer laughing when it saw its other half limp on the floor. The thing actually attacked him.
He jumped back and grabbed the bony arm reaching out to him, dodging the spiked fingertips as he threw her into the theater screen. She clawed at the screen, leaving rips through it as she slid to the floor.
Metice turned to me, but before he could say anything, the first lady jumped up again, her neck hanging brokenly from her shoulders. She still laughed and pointed at him, and then, faster than I thought possible, she also charged him. Her little body had to be fueled completely by her thirst for retribution, because she moved like she was an extension of the shadows.
“Watch out!” I screamed and pointed to the threat behind him.
He turned around just in time, and this time, he didn’t toss her to the side. His fists slammed through her chest, ripping out the heart, which he dropped to the floor and stomped. You’d think having your heart ripped out would be an instant death, but it took a moment for the mind to realize what happened. I watched in horror as her sinister eyes moved from Metice’s face to his bloody hand, then finally to the gaping hole in her chest. Then, with a weak sob, she crumpled to the floor.
Metice wasted no time. With her down, he returned to the other and completed the same task. He pulled the bodies together, then removed their heads from their shoulders. Headless, their bodies melted and gave off a nauseating smell that had me gagging within seconds. I didn’t know who would have to clean that up, but I didn’t envy them.
“I dare you to get up from that.” He spit on the sizzling body.
“I’m never going to get that smell out of my nose,” I choked as the contents of my stomach threatened to evacuate.
A mixture of orange, brown, and green oozed from their orifices as their bodies disappeared, leaving burn marks everywhere they touched.
“What did I tell you?” Metice snapped and marched over to me, his finger pointed in my face.
“Don’t point at me like I’m some child for you to scold.” I slapped his hand away then pointed right back at him. “I did nothing. I went to a movie by myself. It’s your buddies who won’t leave me alone!”
“We’re going.” Metice grabbed my arm, but of course, I pulled away.
“Keep your hands off me.” I brushed my hair from my face and adjusted my bag, which was sliding down my shoulder. “Where the hell do you think you’re taking me?”
“Somewhere where you will be safe, and I don’t have to keep dropping everything to come save you from yourself,” he answered.
“My house isn’t far from here.” I huffed and headed for the exit. “I’ll go there. You won’t have to worry about me.”
“You’re not going back to your house. It isn’t safe.” He did that creepy reappearance thing and was suddenly in front of me. “I’m taking you home with me.”
“Your home? In hell?” I stepped back from him. “You have got to be out of your mind if you think I’m about to let you take me to hell.”
“There is no way I’m leaving you here,” he grunted. “I cannot keep dealing with these distractions.”
“Yeah whatever.” I sidestepped him, my sling bag knocking against him as I once again headed for the door. Maybe I was losing my damn mind. None of this could be real. I refused to believe it. Keri was right: I needed to call my therapist. Hell, maybe I needed to be on meds.
Then, he did that creepy shit again. Poof! There he was, blocking my exit. “Seriously?” Metice’s massive hands grabbed my arms and pinned them to my sides. Of course, I couldn’t move. He was a demon and strong as hell.
“Get your hands off me. I’m not going to…” My vision went dark, and my mind hummed with dizzying energy as the theatre and the sounds of an alien invasion disappeared. There was a loud pop and fizzle before I could get the last word out of my mouth.
“Hell.” I blinked, suddenly standing in front of a massive window and looking out onto the hellscape I saw in my dreams.
I pinched myself. It was the typical test of reality. If I felt it, it was real, not a dream I could wake up from. After the sting of my self-inflicted injury subsided and the weight of my new reality settled on my shoulders, I screamed bloody murder.