2. Cali Love
CHAPTER TWO
CALI LOVE
N iggas pray all night for success, just to wake up and turn on the PlayStation, engaging themselves in virtual worlds while real life waits. I couldn’t help but think about it as I cast a frustrated glare at my boyfriend, Jayceon.
He was seated on the edge of the couch, completely absorbed in the game, with a half-eaten bowl of cereal in front of him on the table. To me, it looked like he was living a life of leisure while I was busting my ass, working long hours, trying to make ends meet. Granted, Jayceon had a small hustle going on, but let him tell it, he was barely making anything.
“Jayceon, we need to talk,” I said, raising my voice just enough to be heard over the sounds of the game.
“Aight. Hold on a minute, bae! Let me finish this mission!” he called back without even glancing my way, his eyes fixed on the screen as his fingers flew over the controller, frantically tapping in a desperate attempt to complete his objective.
“Now, Jayceon! I don’t have all morning to wait for you! I do have a job to get to!” I stressed, my patience wearing thin.
“Hold on, Cali! Damn!” he yelled, still focused on the game, completely dismissing my urgency.
As I looked around the living room, I noticed the remote control on the back of the couch as if it was almost daring me to pick it up. In a moment of frustration, I reached over, grabbed it, and turned off the TV. If Jayceon couldn’t find a moment to pause the game for me, then I would take matters into my own hands.
“What the fuck, Cali?!” he barked, leaping off the couch.
Jayceon threw the controller onto the cushion beside him and stepped right into my space. His anger was obvious as he reacted to my unexpected move.
“Well, I had to get your attention somehow!”
“I told you to hold on! Now I’m probably dead!”
“You know what… fuck that game, Jayceon! How about getting online and applying for a job … a real job!”
“Here you go with this bullshit, trying to act like you’re my mama and shit.”
“Acting like your mama ? Jayceon, let’s be for real! You know damn well your mama wouldn’t give a damn if you worked or not because anytime you go running to her with your hand out for something, she’s going to give it to you with no questions asked!”
That statement was true, though. I swear Jayceon and his brother had to be titty adults –not babies. The way they worshipped and ran to that woman for any and everything, one would’ve thought they still needed her breastmilk for survival.
“So, you came up here to argue with me… this early? If that’s what you wanted to talk about, I ain’t even trying to hear that shit this morning.”
“You’re never trying to hear shit where money is concerned, that is!” I angrily countered.
“Because I already told you how I feel about getting a fucking job, Cali, especially the kind you want a nigga to have! I’m sorry, love, but I ain’t no nine-to-five type of nigga. That shit just ain’t for me.”
Talking to a man who thinks a nine to five is for broke people, and he’s not an entrepreneur himself, is crazy.
“Well, it doesn’t seem like the drug business is working out too good for you either, according to the money you’re claiming to not be making,” I quipped.
“What I do bring home pays the bills, puts food on the table, gas in the car, and keeps you looking good! So, why you trippin’?”
“Nigga, you must have my house mixed up with another bitch’s because I pay the majority, and by majority, I mean damn near all the bills in this muthafucka! When I run out of food stamps, lately, I’ve been the one going into my pocket to use cash to buy food, and if I’m being honest, the real reason we’re running out of food is that I’m feeding yo’ ass all these expensive ass meals because it sure isn’t because of the twins! And thinking about it… when was the last time you put gas in my car or even offered to fill it up?! As for me looking good, I keep myself up to par. Whenever I do go out, I can proudly say I do my own hair, lashes, makeup, nails and provide my own outfit with my money! What was all that shit you were talking when we first got together about us going 50/50 on everything?! Well, lately, it’s been a lot of 0/100 around this bitch, with me carrying the load! But speaking of bills, the rent is due today, nigga, so what do you plan on putting on it? No, as a matter of fact, where is your half since that’s what you said you’d have this month?” I asked with my hand held out.
“Look, I ain’t got it,” he replied, avoiding my gaze.
I scoffed loudly. “Of course, you don’t have your half of the rent, Jayceon. You never fuckin’ do, let you tell it! Well, what you got?” I pressed, refusing to let him get off that easily.
“I’m tapped out,” he answered with a casual shrug.
“I know you fuckin’ lying!” I bellowed in anger.
“I’m not, though.”
“So, when you say you’re tapped out, are you saying that you don’t have so much as a dollar to your name?”
“Nah, I don’t.” Jayceon shrugged once more, the nonchalance in his voice a clear facade.
I knew he was lying without a doubt, but I chose not to confront him about it right then.
“So, what are you out here selling in these streets if you’re not making money? Air? ’Cause we get that shit for free!” I jabbed.
I wanted to say he must have been too busy giving away ass all day, but I knew that comment would’ve had us in there rearranging some furniture. If there was one way I knew to get under Jayceon’s skin, it was to involve him with anything homosexual.
“You know, when we had this discussion last month, I would’ve rather you just said you wouldn’t have it at all than to say you’d have half, getting my hopes up and shit! Thank God I have enough sense to save enough money where you come short, and I’m damn sure glad I’m not one of these simple-minded bitches who solely depends on a nigga’s help when it comes to bills because I’d be a disappointed bitch every month, waiting on a nigga like you to come through!”
My cousin Jai was in that category when it came to her and her man; he paid all the bills, but in no way, shape, or form was I labeling her as one of those women. Jai might not have been working, but before she moved in with her boyfriend, best believe she was all about her money, and once she graduated, I was sure she’d be back on that grind.
“I’m trying, Cali! Damn! Give a nigga some credit!” Jayceon tried to plead, but those pleas went on deaf ears.
“Trying?! Jayceon, if you were trying, you would get a real job that brings in reliable income, not watch your woman struggle to pay all the bills! If you were genuinely putting in the effort, we wouldn’t be stuck having the same draining ass conversation every month when bill time rolls around! Hell, I miss when bills were none of my business, too, but I love the enjoyment of being in my own shit and living on my own terms without the constraints of sharing a space with others and having to abide by their rules. I am also grateful for the basic comforts in my life, such as reliable electricity, running water, and, most importantly, having a secure roof over my children’s heads. Additionally, I appreciate the warmth we receive from the heater during the cold winter months and the coolness during the scorching summer heat from the AC. So, yeah, my bills are going to get paid, with or without your assistance, Jayceon! I guess that’s where you and I differ when it comes to priorities!”
“Cali, on some real shit, we only argue because you start the arguments. I be cooling. So, the way I look at it, you’re the problem. It be you who starts trippin’ when the dishes haven’t been washed, the floor hasn’t been vacuumed, clothes haven’t been put in the dryer, and the room hasn’t been cleaned. It be too many damn rules and responsibilities for a nigga.”
I chuckled. I was just waiting for his narcissistic behavior to show up.
Stay away from people, especially men, who always consider you expressing how you feel as you arguing or being extra; it’s called gaslighting. Toxic people do that so they don’t have to take accountability for their own behavior.
“Of course, blame it on me, like you always do! Jayceon, until you learn that a disagreement is not an argument, you’ll forever be childish! And you doing any of those things is the least you could do since you’re here the majority of the day! And I’m the problem, you say?! Nah, nigga, your lack of funds and providing for this household is definitely the issue in this relationship! But if I am ever the problem, please believe you’re the reason! I don’t ask for much. Actually, I don’t ask for shit! So, when the bare minimum can’t be given, you’re damn right I cut up! Lastly, there’s no relationship without rules, especially not this one! So, if you wanted freedom, you should’ve stayed single! Hell, if a situation doesn’t make you happy, leave it alone. Shit, if I don’t make you happy, leave me the fuck alone!” I concluded.
Jayceon stepped closer, closing the space between us.
“Come on, bae. It’s too early for you to be worked up like this. I’ll do better. I promise,” he pleaded, his tone softening as he looked at me with those hopeful eyes.
However, Jayceon’s promises felt hollow, words I had heard far too many times before. It was like listening to a record stuck on repeat, the same old song playing every month, and I was exhausted by the constant loop of unfulfilled assurances.
I took a step back, needing some space to collect my thoughts.
“You know, I used to be so understanding when it came to you. Now… I ain’t trying to hear none of that shit! I have to get ready for work. You can go back to playing your little game, but let me make one thing clear: if you don’t have your part for the rent or any of the bills sorted out by next month, I’ma tell you just like Craig’s daddy told him in that movie Friday . ‘If you ain’t got nothing on the table, you don’t have to worry about catching a dog. You better worry about a dog catching yo’ ass!’”
With that, I turned and walked out of the living room.
When you’re a person who makes moves, it’s hard to understand those who make excuses.
I was so ready for a grown relationship! I was growing really tired of that childish shit I had to put up with from Jayceon’s ass! I was also too fine and good of a woman to be laid up with a fuckin’ bum and begging for a nigga to do right.
Before I entered my kids’ room, I took a deep breath and composed myself. I had a set of two-year-old fraternal twins: a lively boy named Zion and a sweet baby girl named Zuri. Every day, they filled my heart with joy and purpose; they truly were my everything. Their existence pushed me to work harder than I ever thought possible. If I didn’t have kids, I often wondered if I would be as strict with Jayceon regarding our finances and the many responsibilities that came with adult life. But now, as I navigated the complexities of parenthood, I realized that I had two little souls who looked up to me, even if they were still too young to grasp the nuances of the world around them. It was my sacred duty to provide them with the best upbringing I could.
As I quietly opened the door to their room, a smile spread across my face. I was relieved to see that they were still peacefully asleep, completely unaware of the argument that had taken place just moments before between Jayceon and me. Deciding it was best for them to enjoy a few more minutes of restful slumber, I tiptoed out and made my way to my own room to prepare for work. Once inside my room, I took a moment to gather my thoughts and mentally prepared for the day ahead. Part of my morning routine was to send a quick good morning text to my cousin Jai, who was like a sister to me.
Me: Good morning, my love. I hope your morning is going better than mine.
I included a rolling eyes emoji to convey my frustration.
Approximately five minutes later, my phone buzzed with her response.
Jai: Good morning, boo! And no, I’m having a pretty messed-up morning as well.
“Well, damn,” I muttered to myself, feeling a sense of sisterhood in our shared struggles.
Instead of typing out another message, I decided to give her a call, craving a more personal connection. When Jai answered, her voice was unexpectedly dry and lacked her usual cheerfulness.
“Hey.”
“Well, okay! I didn’t do it!” I kidded, trying to lighten the mood and coax a laugh from her.
“Good morning, boo. My bad,” she replied, her tone softening slightly.
“Okay, what’s going on? Because this isn’t like you,” I pressed.
I could sense that something deeper was affecting Jai, and I knew I had to pull her out of that funk, just as she’d always done for me.
“Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl, we’ll have to talk in person because Leek’s ass might be eavesdropping.”
“I’m sure Jayceon’s ass is too, but I don’t give a fuck.”
She chuckled. “Lord, y’all must have gotten into it?”
“It’s the first of the month. Need I say more?”
“Oh, shit. How much was he lacking this month?”
Jai knew the shit I had to deal with when it came to Jayceon and paying the bills, so nothing came by surprise.
“Hell, might as well say all of it. He claimed he didn’t have it all, yet the nigga didn’t offer shit! Well, he didn’t give me shit, so my guess is nothing!”
“I’m sure you went off!”
“And you know I did! Then, he tried to put the blame on me and talk crazy! Muthafucka, you can’t talk crazy to me in my house! I ain’t the one looking for nothing to eat or a place to stay! The fuck!”
Jai was laughing so hard.
“I’m serious, girl. I wanted a man in my life so bad. Now, look at me, irritated before eight o’clock.”
I had only been with Jayceon for a year, and truthfully, I only got with him because he was fine, had some superb dick, and I wanted some in-house dick that I could wake up to and jump on whenever I felt like it. However, had someone warned me beforehand that being with him would’ve meant dealing with his stinginess, laziness, and emotional and financial instability, I would have hurriedly denied his request when he asked to be my nigga. It’s hard to believe I overlooked those red flags at the start, but the reality of his character became painfully clear as time went on.
“Girl, I know the feeling about the irritated part,” Jai said.
“For real, though, I’m getting so tired of this nigga, Jai! Like, to the point that I just want to be done with him!”
“Well, boo, the ball is in your court. I mean, your name is the only one on the lease and bills, so...”
“Yeah, I know. But enough about that nigga. I’m more curious to know what’s going on with you and Leek since I’m assuming he’s the reason you’re irritated.”
“Girl, yes, but what you doing tomorrow? Are you off?”
“Not tomorrow, but Saturday. I’m booked until 3:00 that day, but I’ll be free after that.”
“Good! Let’s do an outing with the kids! We can take them to the park, and they can play while we talk.”
“I’m down, and you know the twins are going to love that.”
“I already know. But girl, let me get off this phone and finish getting ready. We’ll talk later, boo.”
“Okay, my love!”
After ending the call with Jai, I dressed for work, then went to wake the twins, and together, we went through our morning routine. In the next forty-five minutes, we moved through the house in a flurry of activity. As I was leaving, I noticed that Jayceon had gotten back on the game. He was so in tune with the game that he didn’t even bother to tell us goodbye―not that I gave a damn.
Red Rover, Red Rover, send me a fine, tattooed, financially stable nigga right over. I silently kidded as I left the house.
During the week, one aspect I felt completely at ease about was the childcare arrangements for my kids. Thankfully, they were part of a wonderful government-funded program designed to support low-income mothers by covering the costs of childcare. That meant I only needed to focus on getting them to and from the center each day, allowing me to concentrate on my job without the stress of finding reliable care.
After dropping them off, I headed to work. I worked as a cashier at a busy convenience store located on a busy corner of town. As I drove to work, I wondered what the day would bring. My shifts typically lasted eight hours, and I never knew what to expect. The store attracted a diverse range of customers, from early risers stopping in for coffee and breakfast snacks to hurried parents grabbing last-minute items. Each day brought different faces, challenges, and interactions, keeping my work interesting and engaging.