Chapter Five
In the four years they had been together, Brooke could count on one hand the times they’d fought or been mad at each other.
She could, on one finger, count the times that Anna made her feel uncertain or unsteady, and that had been a complete accident.
This was something entirely foreign and uncomfortable and it wasn’t either of their faults.
That fact didn’t give Brooke any comfort.
“I’m going to go take a shower,” Anna said, over her shoulder, leaving Brooke by their front door.
Brooke hooked her keys on the little ring off to her right. They’d purchased this house over a year ago, just after their wedding. They’d purchased it with the hopes of starting a family soon. A dream that seemed to be crumbling around them.
Brooke didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if she should follow after Anna or make tea and wait, uncomfortable and nervous at the kitchen table.
Anna had never not reached for her when she’d needed comfort.
She’d never walked away before. There were a lot of things about today that made Brooke want to cry, but that most of all.
Following after her made the most sense. It might be the wrong choice, but Brooke didn’t want Anna to be alone right now, even if that’s what she’d been hoping for by going to shower at one in the afternoon.
It was the sound of crying outside their bedroom door that made Brooke freeze.
Should she give Anna a moment? It wasn’t in her nature.
If Anna wanted to be alone, she’d have to say it.
Brooke did knock gently on the door before pushing it open.
Her own tears fell before she could catch them at the sight of Anna sitting on the floor beside the bed, curled in on herself so tightly that her head was between her knees.
Without a second thought, Brooke sank down beside her and pulled Anna into her arms.
“I’m sorry,” Anna whispered, her voice breaking.
“Darling, what on Earth are you sorry for?” Brooke kissed her temple. “None of this is your fault.”
“Because I can’t…” Anna couldn’t bring herself to say it.
Brooke shook her head, gently lifting Anna’s face so that Anna would be making eye contact with her. “Anna, my love, it’s not your fault.”
“But I feel like it is.” Anna crumpled, burying her head in Brooke’s chest. “We had a whole plan. How did I not know? You’d think that would be something you’d be able to sense about yourself.
Or maybe something a gynecologist could have warned me about?
You know? I should have known. I shouldn’t have hoped. ”
Brooke felt hopeless. There wasn’t anything to be done to fix it.
The doctor told them today that if they tried again, they’d potentially be putting Anna at risk.
It had all stemmed from her wreck, apparently there was more internal damage than Anna had previously known.
It wasn’t until they had started this journey six months ago, that Anna had learned that successfully being able to carry a child was highly unlikely.
They had decided to try for it anyway, hopeful from that tiny, small, inconsequential percentage of a chance.
Their doctor today advised them to stop and Anna was truly gutted.
Not trying to immediately solve the problem was killing Brooke.
She wanted to fix it. She wanted to make Anna smile.
She wanted today to not suck so truly and monumentally.
But none of it would help how Anna must be feeling.
Brooke was lost. Everything felt like the wrong move, so she just held Anna tighter.
The next morning, for the first time in a long time, Brooke woke up first. She eased her arm out from under Anna and left the room as quietly as possible.
She didn’t even attempt to get her robe on until she was far enough down the hall that she didn’t think it would make a noise.
Once she was clear on the other side of the house, she called out sick from work.
She also called Maddie and let her know that Anna needed a mental health day of her own.
Maddie was able to surmise from there, but she didn’t press it.
She just asked that Brooke would love on Anna extra for her and Shannon both.
After those calls were made, Brooke got to work.
Operation get her wife to smile was in full effect.
They would get through this. They would solve it.
Was it going to look exactly like they had hoped?
No, no it wouldn’t. But they would face it head on together and that was all that had ever mattered.
Anna’s favorite breakfast food—that Brooke actually had the skill set to make—was French toast and bacon, so that was exactly what Brooke was going to do.
The other thing she was going to do was re-write her wedding vows.
They had framed them, which made putting them on Anna’s breakfast tray a little difficult.
So, while the bacon cooked in the oven, Brooke rewrote them word-for-word.
With plenty of time left on the oven, she grabbed a pair of garden shears from their catchall drawer and headed out to their front garden.
The late spring showers had kept their flower bed colorful and glorious this year.
Brooke took advantage, trying to find the most beautiful of each type of flower, accumulating a hodgepodge bouquet.
She trimmed the extra greenery off the edges, thinning it down a bit so it would fit better on their bed tray.
Brooke had never been one for eating in bed, Anna on the other hand, loved it.
Their compromise was these pretty impressive handcrafted wooden trays that stood up over you.
While she rarely opted to encourage their use, today was different.
She’d wash the sheets later if she needed to.
That was so far down on her list of worries.
With the flowers procured and the bacon nearly finished, all that was left for Brooke to do was to make an obscenely large stack of French toast. She took extra care to powder in between each and every layer.
Anna had always acted like that was a secret ingredient.
Thinking about her wife grinning maniacally as she liberally sprinkled powder sugar everywhere made Brooke smile and pour a little heavier handed herself.
The tray looked perfect, so Brooke quickly doctored up Anna’s cup of coffee just how she liked it and carefully padded back down the hall towards their bedroom. She sat the tray down on her side of the bed so she could circle around to Anna’s side to wake her up gently.
“Love?” Brooke asked, her voice soft and smooth. “I made you breakfast, Darling.” She pressed a kiss to Anna’s temple.
Anna grumbled a little, but her eyes fluttered open. There were dark circles under her eyes, and they looked a little puffy from crying, but she looked perfect all the same.
Brooke offered a small smile as she nodded towards the tray. “I thought you might like your favorite.”
A small, teeny, tiny, brilliant smile, tugged at the corners of Anna’s lips. “I would like my favorite.” She reached to grab the tray and Brooke was quick to help. The trays were a little awkward and surprisingly dense. “Thank you,” Anna said softly, taking a sip of coffee.
Her eyes looked a little watery as she picked up the flowers. “Are these from the front?”
Brooke nodded as she crawled into bed on her side now that the tray was out of her way.
“They’re beautiful,” Anna said, her smile growing a little.
It was then that she noticed Brooke’s vows. She frowned, tilting her head to the side as she picked up the sheet of paper, carefully reading Brooke’s neat, loopy handwriting.
“I thought you might need a reminder,” Brooke said softly, snagging a piece of bacon off the tray. “I meant them, Darling. Nothing could ever stop how much I love you. I know that we’re going to have to adjust our plans, but we’ll come up with something.”
Anna wiped a few rogue tears away. “Thank you,” she whispered. “This was really sweet,” she added. She picked up a triangle cut of French toast, her smile nearly full when she saw the layer of powdered sugar underneath. “You made the toast right,” she swallowed back a fresh round of tears.
Brooke let out a small laugh, “yeah, that’s how my wife likes it.”
“You’re really the best. Did you know that?” Anna let out a pitiful sniff.
“What I know is that you are my favorite person in the whole world,” Brooke countered. She added, “and, I know that I love you.”
Anna leaned over, letting her head land a little less than gently against Brooke’s shoulder. “We’re going to be okay, right?”
“You and me?” Brooke asked, wanting to make sure she fully understood the question.
“Yeah?” Anna asked, her voice cracking with the word.
Brooke pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
“We’re going to be just fine, Darling. We’ll figure this out.
Plan A didn’t work, I’m sure we can come up with a hundred more.
” She kissed her again. “Whether that’s adoption or surrogacy or fostering or not even having a kid.
We don’t have to decide right now. Okay? ”
When Anna didn’t respond, Brooke eased out from under her so that she could look her in the eyes. “I’m serious, Love. All I’m worried about right now, is you. I’m not worried about anything else.”
“I love you,” Anna whispered, grabbing another piece of French toast. “Thank you for cheering me up a little bit.”
“You’re welcome. I also called us both out of work for the day. So, we can do whatever you want,” Brooke offered a small smile.
“Can we just wallow for a bit?” Anna asked.
“Absolutely.”