Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Diana
Silence hangs in the room.
Did I just make a terrible mistake?
Is it ever a mistake to tell someone you love them?
People are supposed to love that. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way, I want him to know that I love him. That he’s worth loving.
Finally he opens his mouth. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“Like I said, you don’t have to say it back.”
But my heart breaks a little as I say the words. I want him to love me back. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.
I know he’s attracted to me. I know he likes to fuck me.
Do his feelings go any further than that? Is he even capable of such feelings?
Another moment passes.
I open my mouth to say again that he needs to at least acknowledge my statement, but then?—
“I am sin,” he says, his voice low, troubled.
I roll my eyes. “Stop giving me that bullshit. What happened to your sister is not your fault. What your parents did to you was not your fault. You’ve had some shit in your life, Dragon. Haven’t we all?”
I regret those words as soon as I say them.
Because my life has been pretty much wine and roses.
I can’t say the same for my father or my two brothers. And of course, there was that alcohol poisoning thing when I was a freshman in high school, but I survived.
To my surprise, he doesn’t call me on it.
“Diana, so many things are going through my mind right now.”
“I know.” I lean forward and lay a hand on his upper arm. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have laid this on you.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean. I have a chance at possibly finding my sister. And I have a niece that I don’t even know. None of that can erase what happened to Griffin. The life she’s been forced to lead. But damn…”
“I’m so sorry,” I say.
“I don’t want you to be sorry, Diana. I want you to be—” He clenches his hands into fists. “Damn it! I just want… I want things I have no business wanting.”
I’m not sure what to say to that. Is he talking about finding his sister? Wanting the love of his mother? Or is he talking about… me ?
Probably a bit of all of them.
“It’s not a sin to want something, Dragon.”
“It is when you’re not worthy.” He looks away. “It is when?—”
“Shut the fuck up,” I say, my tone forceful. “I’m tired of hearing you say that. You are as worthy as anyone else.”
“I’m not worthy of you.”
“Isn’t that for me to say?” I grab his face, force him to look at me. “I’m in love with you, Dragon. I didn’t plan to fall in love. A week ago, I barely knew you existed. Then you showed up on my doorstep, and I got to know you?—”
“You don’t know me.”
I slap him gently—but firmly—on his cheek. “I swear to God if you interrupt me again, I’m going to give you a good punch to your jaw. And yeah, I couldn’t possibly actually hurt you, but it’ll be worth it.”
He simply raises his eyebrows.
“Fine. Now let me finish.” I wait a moment, catching my breath. “I’m here for you. I want to do whatever I can to help you find Griffin. And your niece. And to put whoever did this behind bars.”
He looks down, runs his hands through his hair. “I just hate not being able to do anything. All I can do is wait to hear what Alayna says. She could call in a minute or a week. I have no idea.” He sighs. “I came here to see my mother. What a disappointment that was.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Really? Was it really a disappointment, Dragon? Did you really think the mother who abandoned you all those years ago would welcome you back with open arms?”
My words sound cruel, but they need to be said. Dragon did not come here thinking he would find a loving mother. He came here looking for answers about Griffin.
He says nothing for a moment, but then— “You’re right.”
I feel like I just ran a marathon. He’s telling me that I’m right?
It’s a far cry from returning my love, but it feels like a victory.
“But that’s not really the point,” he continues.
“Yeah? Then fill me in.”
“I’m not normal, Diana. I’ve told you before, you’ll get no hearts and flowers from me.”
I cross my arms. “Did I ask for hearts and flowers?”
“That’s what you deserve. Look at you.” He rakes his gaze over me. “A more beautiful woman never existed on this earth. Your hair is so silky. Your brown eyes are so deep. Your lips are so pink and full. And God, your body. Everything about you is perfect, Diana. And that’s what you deserve in return.” He shakes his head. “That’s not me.”
I throw my hands in the air. “For the love of God, Dragon. That’s not me either. I’m not perfect. I lost the best job in architecture—my dream job—after two days.”
“That’s not the same. You were following your morals.”
I shake my head. “No. I wasn’t going to send the damn email. I decided to back away from it, my tail between my legs. The only reason I lost my job was because I was so na?ve that I didn’t realize my boss was spying on my computer.” I take a deep breath, lower the tone of my voice. “I was going to stick it out. Stick it out so my colleagues wouldn’t lose their jobs. Wouldn’t lose their holiday bonuses. I made the wrong decision, Dragon. At least at first. I see that now. I’m far from perfect.”
He finally sits down on the other side of the bed. He takes my hand. And then he looks at me. Really looks into the depths of my soul.
“You are to me,” he says.
The words. They’re almost better than hearing I love you . But if he’s decided to put me on some kind of pedestal, I need to change that quickly. The higher up you are, the farther you fall.
“Thank you for saying that,” I say. “But I’m simply a human being, just like you. You may like how I look?—”
He holds up a finger. “You’re beautiful, but that’s not all there is to you.”
Warmth flows through me. “Thank you. And you’re gorgeous, but that’s not all there is to you either.”
He looks away again. “I was used up long ago. I don’t have anything left to give.”
“I call bullshit.” I grab his hands. “I don’t think you’ve ever given what you have to give. You were mistreated. You were wronged. There are things I’m sure I don’t even know about. But I can imagine, Dragon. Believe me, I can imagine.”
He stays silent.
Sadness laces his gaze.
I want to hold him. Not just hold the man I love but hold the little boy he was. The little boy who only wanted his parents’ love. Who only wanted to stay home with his baby sister.
“If you don’t share my feelings, Dragon, I’ll be all right. But you do have the capacity to love. I’ve seen it.” I squeeze his hands. “I’ve seen it when you talk about Griffin.”
“You know that hooker I gave money to?”
I drop his hands, cock my head. “That’s a pivot.”
“I have a point.” He sighs. “She reminded me of Griffin. She was way too young to have actually been her, but she was blond and blue-eyed, and I could see that she had real beauty underneath, but she had been hardened by the life she chose. Or perhaps the life she didn’t choose. Maybe it was thrust on her, like the horror that was thrust on Griffin.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He looks down at the bedspread. “Griffin isn’t something I talk about. I only told you recently because you insisted on coming here to Taos with me.”
I rub his upper arm. “You don’t need to worry about that arrest, Dragon. My attorneys will get you off, especially after you tell that story.”
He huffs. “Damn it, Diana. You and your damned money.”
“Dragon, there is no better use for my money than helping someone I love.”
“You don’t love me, Diana.”
“Excuse me? You’re saying I don’t know my own feelings?”
“No. I’m saying you don’t know me . If you did, you would turn tail and run.”