Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
Noah grimaced like he was looking at a giant pile of moose dung as soon as he saw me. “What are you wearing?”
“Clothes?” I stared down at my outfit, the outfit Maya let me pick out from the boutique where I got my beanie and my boots.
“We’re going for a hike, not a photo shoot.” Noah scanned me again, then shook his head.
I’d chosen a heathered gray Patagonia fleece pullover, some stretchy black Lululemon yoga pants that made my butt look a-maz-ing, and a pair of baby-blue merino wool socks that embraced my feet in a hug.
I was going for an “I’m an outdoorsy person who definitely knows what she’s doing and wants to look good doing it” vibe, even if it wasn’t remotely true.
“Follow me.” Noah’s tone suggested he was going to escort me to the principal’s office where he would bend me over his knee and spank me for being naughty. Which I guess I must have been okay with because I fell in line behind him without fussing, an extra spring in my step.
We made our way outside to the main driveway. Even in the darkness, Noah’s Jeep looked like a pile of something Bigfoot left in the woods.
“So let me guess, we’re taking that … thing.”
“Smart girl.”
“Smart ass,” I said back.
“Yeti, move.” Noah snapped his fingers, and the wolf-dog moved from the passenger seat to the back.
“Great, you brought your wolf-dog, too.”
“Might want to brush the seat off first. Wouldn’t want to get dog hair all over your fancy yoga pants.” Noah still wore a scowl on his lips, but I was pretty sure his eyes were smiling.
“Hey, look, you have doors now.” Sure enough, the piece of Bigfoot dung Jeep did indeed have doors, even though it didn’t have them at the airport.
“Put ‘em on this morning,” said Noah. “These roads can get pretty rough. Can’t have you bouncing down the mountain.”
“Aww, so sweet.”
“My survival depends on your survival now, so I figured I better keep you alive.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Just to be clear, I’m not opening the door for you.” Noah marched directly to the passenger-side door and yanked on the handle until it popped open.
“That’s literally what you just did,” I pointed out.
“But not in a gentlemanly way.” Noah left the door hanging open.
“Don’t worry, I would never accuse you of being a gentleman.”
“Good.” Noah circled around the Jeep to the driver’s side.
“Good.” Climbing in required more upper body strength than I expected. Taking my seat, I tried to find a position where my new clothes weren’t touching anything mud-covered.
It was mathematically impossible.
“We’ll stop by the shop first so I can get you some proper clothes,” said Noah, settling in behind the wheel. “What size are you?”
“That’s a little personal, don’t you think?”
“You want me to get you clothes that fit?” He jammed the key into the ignition. “Or you want me to wing it?”
If Noah thought his glare was scary, he’d never seen mine after being forced to wear misfit clothing. Mom used to make me wear my older cousin’s hand-me-downs instead of taking me on a proper back-to-school shopping trip when times were tight. I’d been scarred ever since.
“Six,” I answered, just to make him stop looking at my waist.
He looked at me like he was counting how many of the resort’s house-baked white chocolate, macadamia nut cookies I had before bed. For the record, it was the same number as my pant size. “If you say so.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. I just said, “If you say so.’”
“You said ‘if you say so’ like you have an opinion about what I said.”
Noah shrugged. “I used to take Brie clothes shopping all the time.”
For the life of me, I couldn’t imagine Mr. Grumpy Mountain Grouchy Face sitting outside a waiting room in a department store while his sister tried on clothes. “Why would you take your sister clothes shopping?”
“That’s not important. What is important is that I know a size seven when I see one. I just want you to be comfortable during our hike.”
Noah turned the key in the ignition. The engine wheezed to life.
If I were going to be forced to go on a stupid hike, and be forced out of bed before dawn, the last thing I wanted to do was compound my misery by squeezing into tight pants.
“Okay, fine. Maybe I’m a seven. But that’s only because I’ve been doing a lot of food promotions lately.
As soon as I get back to Los Angeles, I’m going on a diet. ”
“If you say so.”
“I do say so.”
“So now it’s been said.” Noah pointed to the mud-caked strap. “Seatbelt.”
I fumbled with the complicated harness system that appeared to be designed for extreme racing sports rather than basic transportation. “Is all this really necessary?” Hopefully, he didn’t notice how I had to give the lap belt a little extra slack to fit it around my waist.
“Only if you want to remain inside the vehicle when we hit the switchbacks.”
“The what?”
Noah jerked the stick shift into drive, and it sounded like the entire engine fell out the bottom. He punched his foot on the accelerator and the rear tires spit gravel.
As we eased onto the main road, I turned to face him. “What’s wrong with the clothes I’m wearing, anyway?
“Well, let’s see, where should we start?
” Noah lifted his foot off the clutch at a bend and the Jeep lurched forward around the curve.
“First off, that fleece?” Noah gestured at my pullover without taking his eyes off the dark mountain road.
“It’ll snag on every branch we pass. One good catch and you’ll have a hole the size of Boulder. The city, not the rock.”
“This is a three hundred dollar sweater.”
“Then you might not want to wear it in the woods. That sweater really cost three hundred dollars?”
“Well, I didn’t pay three hundred dollars for it. That’s like my entire grocery budget for the month. LuxeLife is paying the expense tab. Maya said I could pick out whatever I want.”
“Hmm.”
I sensed judgment in his hmm, but was too tired to get into it.
I strained my eyes to see through the mud-splattered windshield, wondering if Noah was secretly a Jedi Knight.
Force powers were the only thing I could think of that would enable him to see where we were going in the pitch dark, considering the headlights were mostly covered by splattered mud.
“Shouldn’t you maybe slow down just a bit? ”
“And those pants?” He continued as if he hadn’t heard me.
“What’s wrong with my pants?”
“They’re going to get soaked the second we cross the stream. Then you’ll be hiking in wet synthetics that’ll chafe worse than sandpaper. Better hope that fancy resort shop of yours sells diaper rash cream.”
I shifted in my seat. Not by choice. A pothole jostled me airborne. “There’s a stream crossing?”
“Two actually. Though one of them is more of a river.” Noah downshifted and whipped around another hairpin turn.
“And those socks?” Noah snorted. “Merino wool in summer? Your feet are gonna cook. Then blister. Then probably fall off. And just in case you were wondering, at no point will I be carrying you.”
“Well, on that point we can agree,” I said.
“But the real problem?” Noah pulled into the gravel lot in front of the Adventure Center. “Those shoes.”
I glanced down at my new white boots. I’d paid extra for the custom memory foam inserts. Well, technically, LuxeLife paid extra. “What’s wrong with my boots? They’re Canada Goose.”
“Please. A goose wouldn’t be caught dead in those things. Canadian, or otherwise.”
“It’s a clothing brand. Not an actual … goose.”
Noah chuckled.
“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”
“Only in your dreams.” Noah hopped out of the Jeep and came over to my side.
I tried to think of a snappy comeback, but he was right. Literally. The previous night, Dream Noah had once again invaded my sleep, leaving me tossing and turning for hours. The jerk was not only tormenting my day life; he plagued my night life too.
Noah jiggled the handle, then yanked open my door. “Really, though, those shoes have zero ankle support. And the laces are going to come untied every ten steps.”
Yeti hopped out the back, and the three of us headed toward the Adventure Center’s front door, giving Noah more time to criticize my footwear.
“And those soles are about as grippy as bowling shoes on ice. One wrong step on wet rock and you’re taking a header off the mountain. Which reminds me, another thing I won’t be doing is rappelling down a cliff to dig you out of a ravine.”
“I thought this was supposed to be an easy hike.”
“Dawn Patrol isn’t just a hike. It’s a scramble.”
“As in eggs?” I asked hopefully.
“Nope.”
Noah flicked on the lights inside the Adventure Center, and the fluorescents hummed to life, casting harsh shadows across the equipment-lined walls. Yeti found a napping spot in a corner and closed her eyes. I was immediately envious.
“Take off your clothes.”
I nearly choked. “Excuse me?”
“Can’t put on new clothes if you’re still wearing the old ones.”
I glanced around the wide-open space as Noah started pulling things from shelves. “Is there a changing room then?”
Noah’s laugh echoed off the high ceiling. “This isn’t Barney’s, princess.”
“What would you know about Barney’s anyway?”
Noah shrugged. “My parents took Brie and I to New York City once when we were kids.”
“And you went shopping at Barney’s? You realized it had nothing to do with the purple dinosaur, right?”
Something smile-like crept over Noah’s face.
“Our mom saw a dress she liked in a window display. Probably cost almost as much as that getup you’re wearing.
More than our dad made in a month.” He set the stack of clothes he picked out on the counter.
“Let me guess, you shop at Barney’s all the time. ”
“Actually, Barney’s went bankrupt. They don’t even exist anymore.”
“Oh, no?” Noah stopped in his tracks. For some strange reason, the tough guy mountain man seemed almost disappointed. “What happened to it?”
“Trends change. Tastes change. That’s why people like me are employed. Somebody’s got to try to keep up with it all.”