Chapter Five
I sucked in a breath and put my hand on my chest. Not a chance in hell, buddy! Well, that was my first response. My second was to tip my head to the side, considering. Yes, considering.
He mirrored my move and raised one eyebrow at me. It was the same look he used to give me when we were teens and he was daring me to do something, like beat his ass in air hockey, apply to my dream school, Columbia, tackle a curb grind on my skateboard, or admit that I loved him, you know, out loud with words.
I remembered how much bolder and braver Liam had made me. Well, maybe he didn’t make me that so much as he’d loved me enough that it freed me to take risks I never would have taken without him as my landing mat.
If I refused, if I walked away from him right now and snapped out the light, I knew with absolute certainty that I would never see him again. I didn’t think I could live through that a second time. I had no idea what would happen while I was here, but I knew I wanted to try to find some closure with Liam.
I glanced down at my outfit. I was wearing Em’s clothes because I had run out of clean laundry two days ago and laundry just wasn’t a priority for me right now. Since Babs had never stopped being in charge of Em’s wardrobe, it was all high-end dresses, skirts, cardigan sweaters, button-up blouses, and slacks, you know, like a grown up. I missed my jeans and baggy thermal tops, but the blue shrug, white blouse, and Capri pants I had on would work so much better for what I was about to do. Oh, yes, I was all in.
Without overthinking it, I met Liam’s gaze as I reached up and pulled the shrug off my shoulders. I twirled it over my head a few times before launching it across the room. His head jerked upright and even from this far away I could see his entire body stiffen. Obviously, I had surprised him. Good.
I put my hands on my thighs and did a very Marilyn Monroe, maybe more Betty Boop, booty pose. I slowly dragged my right hand up my body, across my abdomen and up to the top button of my shirt. I unbuttoned it and pushed my chest out, trying to use what I had. It was a challenge. I glanced at Liam from under my eyelashes. His jaw was clenching and unclenching and his nostrils were flared. Well, okay then.
It occurred to me as I worked my way down the row of buttons that he might be filming me, planning to put the striptease on the internet to shame me. It would be an epic payback for the humiliation I had dealt him, however unintentional, so many years ago.
The thought made me pause at the last button. If he did that then he wasn’t the man I thought he was, and it sure would be a lot easier to get over whatever this thing was that still sparked between us like an ember in a forgotten fire. I glanced up. He hadn’t moved. Was he even breathing?
I owed him this. With all the pain I had caused him in the wake of my departure, I owed him my trust one more time. I slid my shirt half off my shoulders and turned my back to him. I pulled the tie out of my hair, letting my wild curls loose, and tipped my head so my hair draped down my half naked back before I dropped my shirt.
I was relieved I wasn’t wearing my usual sports bra. This was white and plain but thankfully had a little bit of a peekaboo see-through mesh thing going, keeping it from being too much like something you’d find under a nun’s habit. I thought plain might be the sort of intimate garment nuns would wear, but who knew? Maybe they were all about red satin and leopard print undies hidden beneath their black garb. The thought made me smile and helped with my nerves.
Having dropped the shirt, I glanced over my shoulder to look at Liam, and then I whirled my head around, making my hair stream out in a circular motion like a stripper on the catwalk. Then I turned back around so I was facing him. He had one hand pressed to the window, his palm flat against the glass. Every bit of girl power I’d ever had was surging through me—I felt like a badass.
Dragging my hands over my sides, I unfastened my pants, planning to shove them down my hips, but the head twirling had made me dizzy and I staggered, probably looking as graceful as the town drunk.
I stepped wide to steady myself and stubbed my toe on the desk. Ouch! I hopped back a step and my pants dropped, tangling my legs, causing me to windmill my arms in a desperate bid to regain my balance. I failed and did a loud face plant onto the floor taking the desk chair with me. I laid there for a moment, stunned, the breath knocked out of me, my butt in the air—not my best side.
“Jules, are you all right?” Em cried as she barged into the room.
“I’m okay,” I mumbled into the carpet beneath my cheek. And I was, you know, minus my dignity and all that pesky other stuff like self-esteem and pride.
“What are you doing on the floor?” My baby sister grabbed me beneath the arms and hauled me to my feet. I stood half dressed with stars moving around my head in a circular motion—oh wait, maybe only I could see those—slowly coming to the realization that I had probably just made a complete ass of myself.
I glanced at the window to verify. Yep. Liam was doubled over, his entire body shaking with laughter. He looked like he was having a seizure; every time he seemed to get it under control, he lost it again. I was really glad I couldn’t hear the guffaws that were coming out of his face hole.
He must have felt me staring because he straightened and caught my eye. He tried to iron out his smile, yeah, that didn’t work. First his shoulders started shaking, then his lips looked like they were wrestling with his cheeks to keep from turning up, and finally he had to wipe the tears that streamed out of his eyes with the heels of his hands. Yeah, Liam Mahony was having a good old laugh at my expense. Jerk!
Em glanced from him to me and back again. She studied me with consternation, taking in my half-dressed state and my hair gone wild.
“Oh, Jules, tell me you didn’t,” she said. “Tell me you did not let that man see you get undressed.”
I sighed, knowing there was really no point in fibbing.
“Well, he didn’t see me naked, because I didn’t finish my striptease,” I said. “I might’ve broken my toe.”
Em reached around me and snapped the window shade down, sending Liam a dirty look as she did so. She scowled at me as if I’d lost all sense of common decency...I couldn’t really blame her for that.
“What is wrong with you?” Em asked. “We have bigger stuff going on here than your old boyfriend living next door. God, Jules, get your shit together.”
With that she slammed out of my room as if I’d lit her backside on fire. I waited until I heard her bedroom door open and close and then I peeked beneath the shade to see if Liam was still there.
He was and he was working out—yay, me—but every now and then he would pause with his weights half raised and he would have to put them down so he could laugh. I had no doubt he was laughing at me and I was surprisingly okay with it. In the grand scheme of things, it seemed like he’d received a solid karmic payback. I could live with that.
I dropped the shade. Maybe now that I’d humiliated myself in front of him, he’d see his way to not glaring at me like he had before. Oh, I didn’t have any illusions that we’d ever be friends or lovers, but maybe we could be civil. You know, the sort of neighbors who saw each other, waved, and shouted out a “good morning,” but who never stopped to chat.
The picture wouldn’t form in my head, and I had the feeling it was because I could never envision a time where Liam would look at me with anything but anger. The thought made me sad.
Babs’s condition deteriorated more the next day. She had stopped eating and getting her to drink was a battle of wills. A hospice nurse named Ashley arrived and admitted our mother into their care. Tense meetings were held in the kitchen as her medications were all but suspended, everything but the pain meds.
Sophie and I understood what this meant. I feared that Em wasn’t really grasping it, but she surprised me when she asked Ashley, a sturdy woman built for giving hugs, “How long do you think we have? You see people like this all the time.”
Ashley didn’t flinch from the question, though her voice was soft when she answered, “A day or two at most is my best guess, but sometimes...”
Em nodded. She didn’t cry or wail or breakdown. She stiffened her spine. “I’ll be sitting with Mom from now on then.”
“Me, too,” Sophie said.
“And me,” I said.
The nurse gently admonished us to take care of ourselves and we agreed, but I knew we were all just giving her lip service so she’d go away and leave us alone with our mom. Ashley seemed to get that and left, telling us to call her any time for anything.
Babs woke up to find the three of us staring down at her, hovering as if we were trying to memorize everything about her, so that we would never forget this complicated woman who had given each of us life.
She held her hands out to us, and Sophie took one while Em took the other. We all sat down on the divan, with me by her feet. Her voice was just a soft rasp now, and we had to lean in to hear her.
Mom looked at Sophie. “You’ve given up so much of yourself to take care of others, don’t be afraid to go after what you want. I never did and I’ve always regretted it.”
“I will, Mom,” Sophie said. Her voice wavered a bit but, she kept her emotions in check. “I promise.”
Babs turned to Em, her baby. Her eyes softened. “Thank you for taking such good care of me. You’re free now. Live boldly, darling, you deserve it.”
“I will, Mom.” Em sobbed. “I promise I will.”
Babs closed her eyes and exhaled. She appeared drained as if she didn’t have enough strength left to breathe. I figured since we had a rocky history at best there really wasn’t anything left for her to say to me. It hurt, much like all of my interactions with her, but perhaps that was just who we were.
“I’m sorry,” Babs said. She opened her eyes and I noticed that the pale blue of her irises seemed to have faded over the past few days. She looked at each of us in turn, even me. “So sorry.”
“There’s no need, Mom,” Em said. “It’s no trouble taking care of you.”
“No, trouble at all,” Sophie said.
“No, not that,” Babs said. Her gaze locked on me, and a tear spilled down her cheek. “I wanted more time to make it right.”
My throat grew tight and my hand shook as I moved forward and wiped the tear off her face. Her skin was soft to the touch and delicate, almost papery thin.
“It’s all right,” My voice was thick with all of the conversations I knew we were never going to have. “I know you did your best.”
“I wish I could have loved you...” Her words trailed off.
There. She’d finally said it. After all these years, my mother had finally admitted that she had never been able to love me. It really wasn’t news. I could feel my sisters staring at me, but I kept my gaze on Babs. I supposed she was getting it off her chest before she died. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, but, oh, it cut deep, and the scars were going to be ugly.
“It’s okay,” I lied. I didn’t mean it. It wasn’t okay. In fact, it hurt so bad I thought I might die but what was I supposed to say when this was likely the last conversation we’d ever have?
“I’m sorry,” she gasped. Another tear splashed down her weathered cheek. “I wish I had been more for you.”
The tears I’d been fighting streamed down my face. Sophie took one of my hands and Em the other. They both squeezed my fingers with theirs, letting me know that they were with me. I wasn’t alone Well, at least Babs had apologized. This was it then, the moment Babs and I made peace. I was surprised at the gratitude that filled me for this chance to let the past go, to let her go. Maybe I could finally stop feeling so hurt all the time.
“It’s all right, Mom,” I said.
She looked at me with gratitude before her thin lids fluttered closed.
“I love you, Mom,” Em whispered. Her voice was choked with sobs.
Babs opened her eyes. It appeared to take quite an effort.
“I love you, too, Mom,” Soph said.
“And I love you.” Babs’s voice was a rough rasp. “I’m so proud of my girls. I have the best girls in the world. Promise me, you’ll take care of each other.”
“We will,” Soph said, speaking for all of us.
Babs smiled at us then. It was a sweet smile, unlike any I’d ever seen from her before, and then she slipped into an exhausted slumber. We didn’t move but sat with her for another hour just watching her, wondering if this was the last of our moments with her.
It wasn’t.
A few hours later, Babs stirred. She blinked awake, and Em sat up straight from where she’d been slouched.
“Mom, are you all right?” Em said. “Are you in pain? Can I get you anything?”
Babs blinked at us. A deep wrinkle formed on her brow as she scanned each of our faces, not in the adoring way of a loving mother, but in the irritated way a person in line at the DMV glares at everyone between them and the service counter.
“What am I still doing here?” she snapped. “I said what I had to say. I’m ready to go.”
She looked exceedingly put out and I wondered if she really expected us to answer her question. The snort that came out of me was matched by a snicker from Sophie and a surprised chuckle from Em. Good old Babs, even at the end, she wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.