Chapter Nineteen
“C ould you hold my hair out of the toilet, please?” Em, ever polite, asked as she wretched into the dingy porcelain bowl in Duff’s pint-sized ladies’ room.
“You bet, sugar.” The biker chick standing beside her, with the bandana around her forehead and the Willie Nelson braids, had a kindly way about her despite the leather vest, faded tattoos, and missing front tooth. I got the feeling she had done this a million times before as she lifted Em’s blue streaked hair away from the puke-filled toilet.
My nose wrinkled at the smell at the same time relief pumped through me in a huge rush, making me dizzy and a teeny bit nauseous. Sensory overload.
I poked my head out of the swinging door where Liam stood waiting. “I found her.”
He sagged against the wall with relief, the first time he’d betrayed any hint that he’d been worried. And didn’t that just make my heart squeeze up tight? He’d been putting up a brave front for me all along.
“Can you text Soph?” I asked. “We’re going to need her car to take Em home.”
“Got it.” Liam glanced over my shoulder and saw the biker chick. He leaned close and asked, “Are you okay in there?”
“Yeah, I got this,” I said.
I don’t think I imagined the pride in his eyes, which made my heart do a little toe tap of joy right up until I had to go back into the vomitory. Ugh.
I forced my mouth to curve up in a smile as I entered the bathroom and introduced myself to the formidable woman holding my sister’s hair. So, this would be fun, right?
“I’m dying, aren’t I?” Em asked as Liam carried her to Soph’s car.
“Not yet,” Sophie said. “But pull another stunt like this and I’ll kill you myself. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I was having fun,” Em said. Then she turned a sickly shade of green and her eyes widened. She cried, “Down! Put me down!”
Liam let her feet hit the ground but braced her under the arms so she didn’t fall. Em bent over and projectile-vomited right behind the dumpster. Liam and I watched while Soph turned away, looking a bit green herself.
“She’s got some good range,” Liam said.
“Yeah, not bad for a rank amateur,” I agreed.
Being rebellious sorts in our youth, Liam and I had done our share of underage drinking at Duff’s with the other surfers. On more than one occasion one or both of us had “enjoyed” a night just like Em’s.
“You are so lucky that Hannah and Harry aren’t here to see this,” Soph chastised. “You are twenty-five years old. You’re supposed to behave like a grown-up not some stupid frat boy.”
Em wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand and spun around to face Sophie. She overshot and staggered three paces to the right. Liam went to grab her, but I caught her before she fell off the curb. She stomped on my foot with her biker boots, and I opened my mouth to yelp but no sound came out. Yes, it hurt that bad.
“What do you know about frat boys?” Em weaved toward Soph with one finger pointed. “You were knocked up by a med student in your freshman year. You probably never even got felt up by a frat boy.”
Soph’s eyebrows went up. She glanced at Liam and then at me with a mortified look on her face.
I waved a hand at her. “Don’t be embarrassed—he knows all about it.”
Soph closed her eyes as if praying for patience. It must have worked because Em swiveled her vibrant blue head in my direction and frowned.
“Jules is the only one who’s had a frat guy, right Jules?” she asked. “While I missed it all because I was living at home with Babs and Soph missed it because she was pushing out the twins, you got all four years at an Ivy League school with some of the best and the brightest. I bet you humped your way through Suckma Cum Lauda—”
Liam stiffened beside me as my past was dragged forth and dropped in between us like steaming pile of dog poop.
“And we’re done, Em-C Hammer!” I grabbed Em’s arm and marched her to the parking lot.
Soph jogged up beside me and used her fob to unlock her car. She opened the door and I put my hand on Em’s head to protect it as I pushed her into the nearest seat. I felt like a cop making a bust. Then I closed the door.
“I’ll meet you back at the house,” I said to Soph. “I have to do some damage control.”
“Gotcha,” she said with a side-eye at Liam.
“Oh, and you’d better give Em a bag in case she hurls again,” I said. Soph yanked her door open and dove into her car, undoubtedly hoping to spare her leather interior if she put the pedal to the metal.
Liam was walking toward his motorcycle. When we’d arrived, I had ditched my phone arm band in one of the bike’s side compartments. Now it was my excuse to see if Em’s words had riled him or not. Oh, joy.
“Hey!” I called out.
He spun around, looking surprised to see me headed his way. Surprised but not mad. That was promising.
“I just wanted to say thanks for your help and for giving me a lift and all,” I said.
“No prob,” he said.
“Can I ask one more tiny favor?” I put my finger and thumb together as if to show that it was miniscule, really.
“What?” He looked wary. Smart boy.
“Well, I don’t really want to be in the upchuck bus,” I said. “And I didn’t really get to enjoy the motorcycle before because I was too busy freaking out about Em, so I was wondering if you were headed home, could I possibly hitch a ride with you?”
We stared at each other for a moment and then he nodded as if he knew resistance was futile. He plopped the helmet on my head, and I slid onto the bike behind him. This time when I wrapped my arms about him, I wasn’t freaking out about my sister and I could savor every sight, every sound, every touch.
Liam put on his helmet, fired up the engine and we shot out of the parking lot. It took everything I had not to whoop and yell as I wrapped my arms tight around my man as we blasted through town. Yes, he was my man—even if he didn’t know it yet. With the cold, dark ocean on our right, the rolling hills on our left, and the sweet scent of spring blossoms thickening the air until it tasted like spun sugar, it felt as if there was magic all around me.
The lights of the towns along the California coastline shimmered. As much as I loved my sisters, there was a part of me that wanted desperately to ride all night long, not stopping, just flying down the road, and feeling free with him .
We arrived at the house all too soon. Liam parked the motorcycle in his driveway. I glanced next door and saw Soph’s car at the curb and a light on inside. I removed the helmet and turned to thank Liam, but he took my elbow in his hand and led me across his yard and over the short wall that separated our properties.
“I’ll just make sure you get in okay.,” He sounded almost shy and again I got the feeling that something had shifted between us.
“Thanks.” I walked slower, trying to make the sweet moment last.
This was a kinder, gentler Liam than the man who had wanted to fuck and forget me. I wondered what had changed. Had I worn him down with my constant presence in his life? Did he just feel badly that my family was obviously imploding in the aftermath of our matriarch’s death? I had no idea. I just knew that I really, really liked this version of Liam. This guy was very much like the boy I’d given my heart to so long ago and, damn, I had missed him.
The door was unlocked so we strode right in. Em was lying face down on Babs’s divan while Soph was in the kitchen, whipping up a cure for stupid drunkenness. We paused in the doorway and Liam glanced first at Em and then at me.
“Remember when she used to follow us around on her bicycle?” Liam’s voice was low, and I had to lean in close to hear him. “She was the pesky little sister I never wanted, particularly as I was trying to make time with you.”
I laughed. Em had followed us, exhaustingly, but Liam had never been anything but kind to her.
“You were so great about it,” I said. “You never lost your patience. She worshipped you.”
“I just treated Em the way you did,” he said. “She was a good kid, so it wasn’t hard, but it was clear that you adored her, so I did, too. She’s lucky to have you and Soph.”
My throat got tight. Was she? I’d been so self-involved; I’d barely noticed the pain she was in. If Liam hadn’t helped us find her tonight...I couldn’t even think about what might have happened to her.
“Thank you for everything,” I said. “You went above and beyond the call and were...well... you were really great tonight.”
“No problem,” he said. “Give Em my best, okay?”
“Sure.”
Liam turned and headed back to the door. I followed. There were a million things I wanted to say to him, like, ‘Hey, hot stuff, spend the night?’ but I suspected it would be inappropriate, so I said nothing.
“Lock up after me,” he said.
He stepped outside but before he could close the door behind him, I grabbed it and stepped through. Rocking up on my toes, I kissed him on the cheek, really quick, so he didn’t have a chance to react. Then I stepped back and closed the door, collapsing against it. Seriously, it took every ounce of self-control I had not to open it again and tackle him to the ground.
I peeked through the window and watched him cross our yard back to his, noticing how his jeans and T-shirt molded to his muscled surfer’s body. I glanced down and realized I was still wearing his leather jacket. Oh, darn, I guessed I was going to have to return it. Maybe.
Soph came out of the kitchen as I stepped into the great room to check on Em. I thought it spoke very well of me that upon discovering the jacket I didn’t race right back to Liam. Much as I wanted to, Em was more important.
My gaze met Soph’s and hers looked heavy with concern. Em was lying with one arm over her eyes and tiny sobs hiccupped out of her.
“Hey, you all right?” I sat down beside her. “Can I get you anything?”
“I brought you some tea,” Soph said.
“Urgh.” Em made a gurgling noise. Soph wisely moved the teacup away.
“You’re going to be all right,” I said. “Although you may not want to drink alcohol again for a very long time, which would probably be wise.”
“I didn’t mean to drink so much.” Em’s voice was soft from behind her arm. “I just...I liked feeling out of control.”
Soph and I exchanged worried glances.
“What were you drinking?” Soph asked.
“Tequila, mostly,” Em said.
“Yeah, that’ll take you to another plane of existence all right.” I patted her shoulder. “The crash landing sucks pretty hard though.”
“I think I threw up everything but my socks.” Em lowered her arm, looking pasty and pale and smelling a bit of vomit. She was the picture of misery. “I miss her.”
Both Soph and I reached for her hands to give them a squeeze. I kicked myself again for the state she was in. I had known she was taking Babs’s death hard. Why didn’t I pay closer attention? Demand that she talk to me? Drag her to a counselor?
“And then I don’t,” Em said.
Both Soph and I sat up straight to stare at her in a Whaaaat? sort of way.
“I’m going to hell for admitting this, but I can’t keep it in any longer.” Two bright spots of color lit Em’s cheeks and her eyes flashed with rebellion. “I finally feel free !”
Em pulled her hands from ours and clapped them over her mouth as if she couldn’t believe she’d said it. Then she dropped her head to her chest.
“See? I’m a horrible person!” Em cried. “My mother is dead and while I am sad, desperately sad, I also feel like a bird whose cage was left open. I can do whatever I want, wear whatever I want, eat whatever I want, I feel like I can fly for the very first time in my life and it makes me feel so guilty, I can’t breathe.”
Soph and I just stared at her, blinking and open-mouthed. I couldn’t believe what we were hearing. I had always thought that Em loved living at home with Babs. If she didn’t, why hadn’t she left? My thoughts must have registered on my face because Em looked at me and nodded.
“Mom made me feel so selfish,” Em said. “If ever I brought up getting an apartment with friends, she’d say it was a lovely idea and how I was not to worry about her in the slightest, that she would manage to live on her own with no one to help her.”
“And you didn’t say okay and go?” I asked.
Babs had tried that crap on me when I graduated from university. I knew she wanted, no expected, for me to come home but I had been burned before and was never going to let her control my life again. It was one more reason why I left without a backward glance.
“I’m not you, Jules,” Em said. “I’m a pleaser.”
“What’s the point of being a pleaser if you’re the only one who is never pleased?” I raised my hands in exasperation.
Em stared at me and blinked repeatedly. “I’ve never thought of it that way before.”
“Most pleasers don’t,” I said.
“Why didn’t you tell us this?” Soph appeared hurt by this revelation. “We would have helped you stand up to Mom. We would have gotten you out of here.”
Em heaved a sigh. “Because a part of me wanted to remain her little girl. It was so easy to never have to make any hard decisions, well, any decisions at all, really. Plus, there was John, Mr. Drake, I didn’t want to leave him.” Her cheeks flared with color.
“I knew it.” I pointed at her. “You are in love with him.”
“Desperately.” Em sniffed. Her face crumbled and she began to cry. We all did at that bombshell. There was no happy ending for our sister in this scenario.
Soph made more tea and we settled in to discuss our complicated feelings about Babs. Soph was just as conflicted as the two of us with the added burden of being older, having screwed up bigger by getting pregnant in college, and having Babs feel as if she could weigh in on Sophie’s life whenever she wanted because it was her money Soph and Stan had begun their lives with. The money Babs would have spent on Soph’s college went to their first house instead.
“I feel as if I have been apologizing for seventeen years,” Soph said. “I’m sorry I got pregnant. I’m sorry I didn’t finish college. I’m sorry I wasn’t the perfect daughter you envisioned.” Her eyes exuded sadness and she tucked her mom bob behind her ears. “I am so sick and tired of apologizing. And honestly, I’m not sorry. Mothering Harry and Hannah has been the happiest experience of my life and I’ll never regret them. Not ever.”
“You never have to apologize to us,” I said. “We love those stinkers.”
“Completely,” Em agreed. “And the twins are so lucky to have such an amazing mom.”
A sob burst out of Soph. “Thank you. They are the only reason,” she paused, and I knew she was rethinking what she was going to say. “They are my greatest joy.”
She didn’t fool me. I didn’t call her on it, because I suspected she wasn’t ready to talk about it, but I was certain she was going to say they were the only reason she stayed in that craptastic marriage to Stan.
“What about you, Jules?” Em asked. “How are you doing?”
“Processing,” I said. “I think I’m still trying to grasp it all.”
“Are you...” Em hesitated and then as if the tequila was still in charge, she met my gaze and asked directly, “Are you going to search for your birth mother?”
My sisters both looked at me. I didn’t admit that I had already done an online search. I’d found several matches for Lisa Michaels, but I hadn’t been able to force myself to go any deeper with it. I figured I should probably hire a professional. Not knowing what one would cost, it occurred to me I might want to wait until I received my inheritance.
“Not now,” I said. “I feel like I need to come to terms with all of it first.”
“Does it help, knowing about her?” Soph asked.
“You mean, is it easier knowing that Babs didn’t hate me so much as she hated Dad’s cheating on her?” I asked. Soph nodded. “Yeah, it helps.” A tear slid from my eye and down my cheek. I brushed it away. “I just wish she had told me, you know, then maybe we could have had something different.”
Soph didn’t say anything. She simply put her arm around me. Em reached over from the couch and grabbed my hand, giving my fingers a squeeze. “I’m glad Dad did it.”
I swung my gaze to her. “Why?”
“You wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t cheated, and I can’t bear the thought of my life without you in it, so I’m sorry for Mom, but I’m glad Dad had you.”
I didn’t know what to make of that, except it made the gaping hole in my chest close just a bit. She was right. I was here because of my father’s affair, and I wouldn’t change me either.
“Em’s right.” Soph ran a hand over my crazy curls. “You are perfect exactly as you are, and I can’t believe I’m saying this as a married woman, but I’m glad he did it, too.”
More healing. Was this what healed emotional scars? Not I’m sorry’s or it’s not your faults , instead what healed was I see you and I love you exactly as you are . Acceptance. My god, I loved my sisters, not half-sisters, never half. Just sisters.
“Do you know what my favorite childhood memories are?” Em asked after a bit.
“No,” Soph and I answered together.
“When Mom would get a migraine and have to stay in bed all day,” Em said. “That was the only time we were allowed to order pizza and we’d watch movies and paint our nails and play dress up all night long. I loved it.”
“Me, too.” I could see nine-year-old Em, wearing eighteen-year-old Soph’s high heels and tripping around the room, dancing to Avril Lavigne’s My Happy Ending while trying to look sophisticated, while I painted my toe nails an unrepentant black that would make Babs gnash her teeth when she saw them.
“Me three,” Soph said. “I missed you two so much when I left.”
“Remember the time we snuck out to go to the concert on the green?” I asked. “I thought Babs was going to lock us up and throw away the key.”
Soph laughed. “Well, she did take my license away for a week. Totally worth it.”
We laughed and cried some more, and we kept talking and remembering our shared past until Em let out a soft snore. Soph used the aqua afghan to tuck around her and the two of us watched our baby sister sleep, stunned by her tequila-induced revelations.
“Think she’s going to remember this tomorrow?” Soph asked.
“Yeah, I do,” I said. “And if she doesn’t, we’ll remind her.”
Soph glanced out the window to the house next door, several lights were still on, and then back at me.
“I’m going to bed.” Soph reached out and poked me in the chest right through the leather jacket. “Looks like you have something to return to the boy next door.”
“Maybe I should stay with her,” I said. “I feel as if I’ve failed her by not noticing how she was struggling.”
Soph reached down and pushed a long hank of blue hair out of Em’s face. “I feel guilty, too, but I think she’s done for tonight. We can talk more tomorrow.”
I hesitated. It was so tempting. Still, I hesitated.
“Go.” She pushed me toward the door. “There’s clearly unfinished business between you two.”
She had no idea.
“If you’re sure,” I said. Decision made, I was already striding to the door. “I’ll be back before morning, because...you know.”
“Yeah, the will,” Soph said. “Why did Mom have to have such a good attorney? I mean this staying here every night could seriously impede a love life, you know, if you have one.” She stifled a yawn.
“Right?” I wanted to ask her about our cousin Paisley and if what the twins had said was accurate, but I figured it would keep until morning. “Night!” I hurried outside before I changed my mind.
The door shut behind me and I took a deep breath. Now. Now I would find out if things had really changed between Liam and me. A nervous flutter started low in my belly with the soft beat of butterfly wings. By the time I got to his front door, the flutter had morphed into terror and was beating like a pterodactyl trying to fly off with me for dinner.
I raised my fist to knock, but the door opened before my hand connected with the wood. Standing there in just a pair of plaid pajama bottoms was Liam. I tried to speak but nothing came out. No matter, with one hand he grabbed the lapel of his own jacket and tugged me inside.