Chapter 24
Ava
The sunlight hurt my head as it filtered through the cheap plastic mini blinds this place provided.
I guess I could have put up room-darkening shades but never felt the need.
I hadn’t been this hungover in a long time.
As I pulled the quilt over my head, I heard the rustling of paper. Looking to my side, I saw a note.
Hey BFF – there’s water and aspirin on your nightstand I ran out to get us some breakfast come down when you feel up to it
Macie
When I felt up to it.
I didn’t want to see anyone.
The shame and embarrassment overwhelmed me.
Why did I allow that to happen to me last night? I shouldn’t have gotten as drunk as I did, for starters. Then my anger toward Logan took over and all it did was almost get me…
I couldn’t even think about what almost happened. Another guy I shouldn’t have trusted. Who failed me in the worst possible way.
If Logan hadn’t shown up, it likely would have been worse.
If I wasn’t so mad at him in the first place, I don’t think I would’ve put myself in that position to begin with.
Pushing the blame…I was good at that with him. But it was true. Even being in this “secret relationship” with him had taken a turn toward being problematic already. It’s just not worth it, they never work out for me.
My mind strayed back to the end of my junior year of high school.
I’d been with my boyfriend Cole since the beginning of freshman year.
He was a year older, and when we saw each other my first day of high school, we became inseparable.
In the beginning, things were good. We had a normal high school relationship.
I thought I was in love, of course, and maybe I was.
He was sweet, thoughtful, and always said and did the right thing.
When he wanted to start including my best friend, Casey, on some of our weekends after her boyfriend broke up with her, I thought he was being even nicer.
Joke was on me.
It was almost graduation for him, and I guess he shot his shot before heading off to college.
I walked in on the two of them, hooking up in his bed. The image will forever be engrained in my mind.
Because I not only lost my boyfriend that day, but my best friend.
And from that moment I promised myself two things: I would always be a good friend, and I would protect my heart moving forward and tread very carefully in life with relationships.
Yet this thing with Logan was breaking both of those promises.
If Macie found out about Logan and me, I could lose her. And as far as Logan…
My heart was falling, and I had to protect it before it hit the ground and shattered.
As I rolled over, I heard the faint sounds of voices in the distance and smelled the aroma of breakfast foods. My phone told me it was almost eleven already. The rumbling in my stomach agreed.
But I wasn’t in any rush to see anyone, especially Logan.
I knew I’d have to talk to him, thank him, for last night, and I would. But it would lead us to talking about other things that I didn’t want to talk about. Not quite yet.
Macie: you up? Logan actually cooked
Me: Yep
My plan was to stay put and hope that Becca or Macie brought me some food.
Eventually, that knock came on my door.
“Yeah,” I said. I started sitting up, getting excited for the food one of them was bringing me.
And the company.
Why was I surprised at who came through the door? I shouldn’t have been. Of course he would take advantage of the first chance to see me.
“Hey,” Logan said as he walked toward me with a plate. “Morning.”
His tentative steps toward my bed were coupled with concerned eyes. He made room for the full plate of food on my night table, taking care to move things aside. He lingered with his movements, taking his time.
Avoiding me.
Then he turned to look.
“Ava.”
The reverent way he said my name, with such adoration but sadness at the same time, broke me.
My tears were silent as they spilled over the lower lids of my eyes. They streamed down my cheeks, dripping from my chin. My hands couldn’t wipe them away fast enough.
His eyes filled, the tears falling. He fell to his knees on the floor beside me. When his arms opened, ready to envelop me, I flung myself against him.
I had no idea he was what I needed.
My heart ripped open as he held me, and it scared me.
“Ava,” he said, over and over. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to stop him before he did anything.” His hands stroked my head, his fingers threading through my hair, as I squeezed him hard.
The words were in my throat, struggling over the knot to come out. My once silent tears were now quiet sobs against his chest as he worked hard to soothe me.
He brought himself up to the bed, me on his lap, and just held me.
He then understood that this was what needed to happen. He held me and I let it all come out.
After minutes of me crying, I pulled back to look at him. His face was blotchy as tears continued falling down his cheeks as well. He took my face in his hands, his thumbs furiously rubbing at the moisture under my eyes.
“What can I do?” he croaked out. “I have to make this right, Ava. How can I help you?”
I shook my head, attempting to shrug out of his hold. As much as I needed the strength of his presence, his arms around me, I wasn’t ready for more. Not when I knew what I was planning on doing.
“Don’t shut me out, please,” he begged.
But I won the battle because we both knew he wasn’t going to hold on to me against my will. I moved back toward my pillows, pulling the blanket up and over me. I knew as well as he did it became the wall between us in that moment.
The slump of his shoulders as he moved further down my bed showed his defeat. He had his back to me, bent over his knees, staring at the wall in front of him. The muscles in his shoulders and back tensed as he scrubbed at his face with his hands, indicative of the stress from the night before.
Further indication that our situation wasn’t good for him.
Wasn’t good for us.
He had so much going on in his life that he needed to consider other than me and our silly, secret fuck-buddy relationship. I wasn’t going to be the reason he struggled with more anxiety, or God forbid, his sobriety. I needed to have the balls to do this.
“Ava,” he said. “When I saw him touching you, my world stopped spinning. Hearing you say no, and him not stopping…I could only think about you, making sure you were safe.” His head swiveled as his eyes searched for mine.
However, once they connected, I had to look away.
Suddenly, he shot up from the bed, pacing the room. His eyes went wide, his breathing ragged. He kept wiping his hands on the thighs of his sweatpants as he walked in small circles.
“Fuck,” he mumbled to himself. His hands ran through his hair, then clasped above his head, his elbows banging together.
Something changed in him, but what?
He went to the window. His sudden silence was a stark contrast to the behaviors I’d just witnessed. As he stared outside, the silence that filled the room became a barrier that grew between us with each passing minute.
But for some reason, I still couldn’t bring myself to say anything to him.
Not yet.
He finally turned and gestured to the plate of food on the small table.
“I made you your favorite breakfast.”
Pancakes and bacon.
“You should eat it before it gets any colder.” His voice was devoid of emotion.
Then he kissed me on the forehead, put his head down, and walked out of my room.
The interaction between Logan and me was utterly confusing.
I expected the emotion and the tears from me and wasn’t completely surprised he cried as well.
But the change in his demeanor took me by surprise.
I had no idea what happened. My only thought was he was staving off a panic attack and needed to leave, possibly to talk to his therapist.
I decided to reach out to him later. My plans to talk to him about us still needed to happen, but I could put that off until I knew he was better mentally.
Another hour passed before I felt ready to get out of bed. The first thing I did was head back into the shower. I’d taken one last night before falling asleep, but I felt the need for another.
It felt cliché, but it was so true. The need to cleanse myself was instinctive, almost hardwired into my brain. I needed every trace of that guy off me.
Feeling better, cleaner, I made my way downstairs to face people. But it was much quieter than expected; Macie was the only one sitting in the living room. I pivoted toward the coffeepot, happy to see it wasn’t empty.
“Where are the others?” I asked.
“Oh my god, Ava, you snuck up on me.” Within seconds, she was next to me as she pulled me into an embrace. As she held me, she spoke into the top of my head. “How are ya, girlfriend?”
I let her hold me, unsure who it was for at the moment. Her light eyes were so pretty as they looked back at me, inquisitive and full of questions.
“Logan took off,” she said as she held my hands between us. “He was really upset. Becca tried talking to him, but he stormed away from her.”
I stripped my hands from hers, not wanting to hear any more. As I poured the steaming coffee into my mug, I turned from Macie to prepare it. My decision to come downstairs was now thwarted by her words concerning Logan. My brain was muddled enough, I didn’t want anything else to worry about.
Mainly because I was the cause of his stress and pain.
“How are you doing, sweetie?”
I held the cup, using its heat to warm my frigid hands, watching the swirls of steam billow above.
As I brought it to my lips and gave it the obligatory blow, my eyes connected with Macie’s over the top of the mug.
Desperate for that first sip, I delayed answering her as I took a big gulp, knowing the warm caffeine would do nothing but help me.
“I still don’t know where he went!” Becca was frantic as she came flying through the front door. She rounded the corner and stopped, seeing both Macie and me looking at her.
“Ava, I didn’t know you came down, sweetie.” Her tone did a one-eighty.
The unspoken conversation taking place between my two friends was unnerving. Their raised eyebrows and lifted shoulders didn’t go unnoticed.
“Why did he leave?” I asked.
Becca answered quickly. “You don’t need to worry about anything, we’ll take care of it.” She joined us at the table.
The three of us sat in an awkward silence.
Last night, they were wonderful. Theirs were the first faces I saw once I got down the stairs in that godforsaken house. They grabbed a hold of me as a group of guys ran past me to join Logan.
I don’t remember much of the drive home.
The three of us huddled together in the back seat as Logan raced through empty streets.
Macie and Becca held me tight, the three of us holding back tears.
Once the truck pulled into its usual spot, I felt Logan’s strong arms lift me and pull me against his body.
The girls followed closely behind until we were inside.
I heard their hushed whispers as they instructed him to bring me up to my bed.
They forced Logan to leave once I was sitting on my bed, which he did reluctantly. I remember him kissing me on the forehead and hugging me before he left.
“He’s like your knight in shining armor,” Macie said.
She had no idea how true her words were.
They showered me, dressed me, laid with me, talked with me. At some point during the night, I woke to Macie’s arm wrapped around my middle.
She was spooning me.
She didn’t leave my side.
But once the light of the morning came, all I wanted to do was forget last night ever happened.
I didn’t want to talk anymore.
I didn’t want to remember it.
I wanted it to just fade away.
Because it shouldn’t have happened to begin with. If I hadn’t felt the need to “punish” Logan — to force him to see me with another guy — I wouldn’t have been in the position of almost being raped.
Now Logan was hurting because of what I’d done. The position I’d put him in, put us in. And my heart hurt.
He stormed out of here because of me. I knew it in my bones, my soul. I saw something change in him right in front of me.
I couldn’t be the reason he failed.