Chapter 1
My heart drops as the train pulls into Newquay train station.
The familiar concrete station platform is pulled into view as I stand up to head for the doors.
I step off, being sure to mind the gap. The sun is overwhelmingly bright, with very little cloud coverage.
I sit down on the first bench I see, the metal cold against my skin.
My breathing quickens as the realisation that I’ve actually gone through with this enters my brain. It didn’t feel real until I arrived.
There are loads of people rushing around, going about their everyday lives.
I feel their eyes lock on me. As the platform begins to clear, my hitched breath returns to a somewhat normal state.
The station grows quiet. I lean forward, placing my head into my hands as I let out a sigh.
My right leg bounces up and down seemingly on its own accord.
I told my friend Harry I was coming home, and he offered to pick me up from the station. I guess things can’t be that bad between us if he’s willing to do that for me - it’s not exactly a small car ride to the train station from where we live.
Harry owns a surf-hire shop near the beach and is a good friend of the family. My best friend Kai is his little brother, so we basically grew up together.
I can feel my nerves kick in when I realise he’s nowhere to be seen. I hope he hasn’t forgotten. I don’t have a clue how I’m supposed to get home without a lift. Or maybe he’s crashed on the way here.
I panic-text a message to him, asking if he’s almost here. I can feel my hands start to shake before hearing a thick Cornish accent.
“Hey, are you okay?” A voice asks. I look up and see a boy much taller than me coming to sit next to me.
He places his bag on the floor next to him.
His brown curly hair almost hides his ocean-like eyes.
There’s a rainbow flag pin on his red plaid shirt, and a plain white V-neck underneath, his tanned chest peeking through the collar.
“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I choke out, unsure what to say. “I just haven’t been home for a while,” I continue while his eyes lock onto mine.
Why has he stopped to make sure a stranger is okay? People don’t do that usually. People are so caught up in their own lives that they won’t even notice if a stranger is crying. People stopped looking out for strangers a long time ago.
“Nervous?” He asks, his voice smooth like caramel. It’s a voice that sounds like it hasn’t been scarred by cigarettes like my own. He sounds like one of those meditation teachers I have on my phone - I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don’t think I could ever get bored of his voice.
“Yeah, I’ve been away for a little bit. I don’t even know if there’s anything here for me,” I say, not realising I’m talking to a complete stranger. I fix my hair and sigh. I take a few deep breaths to calm down.
“I’m sure there still is, but even if there isn’t, you can find something for yourself, right?”
“Yeah, you’re right. That’s very wise of you,” I joke, even though it’s true.
“I’m Edward, but my friends call me Teddy,” he says, extending his hand out for a handshake. I shake his hand, noticing the black nail polish so meticulously painted on.
“I’m Noah,” I tell him, smiling like an idiot. We sit there for a moment before he stands up.
“Well, it was lovely meeting you Noah, and I’m glad you’re okay,” he says, picking up his shoulder bag.
It’s covered in gay patches, which makes me smile.
But then I realise I was too much of an awkward idiot to ask him for his number or anything.
Not that I think anything would happen, but it would be nice to have more gay friends.
“All right, Noah?” Harry asks, a concerned look dawns on his face as he watches Edward walk away.
I don’t want to tell him I started to panic because he was late and thoughts of him crashing his car on the way down wouldn’t leave my head.
Harry has a sense for knowing what’s going through people’s heads anyway. I swear he can mind read.
“Yeah, I’m okay, it’s good to see you! How long’s it been, a year?”
“Almost”
“Yeah,” I say in a breath. Harry was always a bit of a chubby boy, but he must have lost a lot of weight. He’s also twice my height, that much hasn’t changed. His hair is still the same brown colour, but it’s now longer and more wavy than it used to be.
Harry studies me for a minute. I’ve changed since he last saw me. I have blood-red hair instead of my natural brown, I use contacts instead of glasses, and my entire wardrobe is now a goth boy’s dream.
Plus, I’m on my own instead of having my Mum next to me.
We were always joined at the hip, but as I got older, I started doing my own thing. Now, looking back, I wish I had spent every moment with her instead of being selfish.
We walk to the car without a word. I fidget with my angel chain, twirling it around my finger.
My Mum bought it for me when I turned sixteen.
She always called me her little angel, as she was never supposed to be able to have children.
But then one day she fell pregnant with me, by some miracle, she used to say.
My Dad died shortly after I was born, so I don’t remember much of him. It was always just my mum and me.
Now it’s just me.
We climb into the car and I gawk at how nice Harry’s car is. It’s new and sleek, which makes sense for a successful business owner like him. He must be doing alright with it if he can afford something like this.
Harry has a stern look on his face, as if he stubbed his toe on a rusty nail, and I was the one who left it there.
“Are you mad at me?” falls out of my mouth. I didn’t mean to say that, but it was what I wanted to say. I guess, my mouth decided for me. I have a habit of that.
“No, I’m not… I’m just,” he hesitates. I was kind of waiting for a ‘but’ because I know I messed up with him. With everyone, I guess. “Last year you just got up and left without saying a word to me or Kai,” He says. I can hear the pain in his voice.
Harry rarely shows emotion, but I can tell what I did to them stung.
“Harry I’m really, really sorry, I just wasn’t thinking straight. I just wanted out of here… so I left.” That is such a shitty excuse but it’s the truth.
I had a meltdown in the hospital. Seeing Mum hooked up to all those machines was painful.
I couldn’t stop uncontrollably sobbing. But after I left, I just shut down.
I didn’t speak to anyone. I started to move so slowly, almost like a zombie.
A part of me knew I should have told them I was leaving, but I was so consumed by the pain that it was swallowing me up.
I was drowning again, it had happened before.
But I didn’t have my mother this time to help me stay afloat. And that scared the shit out of me.
“It’s fine, honestly. I was just upset about what happened. I just wish you had given us a chance to help you through it.” We sit in silence for a moment. I look out at the gorgeous scenery bathed in sunlight.
I’ve missed being home.
“So, how are you keeping?” Harry asks after a few seconds of awkward silence.
“Um,” I begin, not knowing how to answer that. My first year without my mum has been awful. Her funeral was terrible. Not because it was bad, it was lovely. I just wish it were someone else’s.
If I’m being honest, I didn’t believe the doctors when they told me she passed away. I thought that it was some sort of sick joke. I literally laughed at them. I genuinely didn’t believe them until I saw my mother’s body in the open casket.
There were flowers, so many flowers. She always loved nature. She used to spend ages running around the house taking care of them. We had a membership for the Eden Project too. She was at her happiest surrounded by all the pretty plants and flowers they have there.
I couldn’t speak. Not a lot. Every time I went to say something, it was like there was a rock in my throat. The person who raised me and loved me with all that she had was just a body in a wooden box. Eyes closed. Heart still. Deathly quiet.
I couldn’t handle it.
I half expected her to get out of the coffin with a smile. I wanted her to hug me like nothing had happened. But she didn’t. She was dead. And I wasn’t quite dead, but I didn’t feel alive either.
I still don’t. Not yet.
Then everything went downhill from there.
I had nightmares every single night, I hardly slept, and I had to go on the strongest medications I could get.
I felt like a zombie most days. I couldn’t eat much either.
There were so many drugs, legal and illegal, lying around my flat.
It made me look like an addict. I was embarrassed.
I should be able to live life without drugs. Without craving the relief of them. I haven’t taken anything in a while, maybe just the odd joint or two. And I want to keep it that way. If I’m going to try again I want to do it without drugs.
“Noah?” I hear Harry say. I snap out of my daydream and look at him.
“I’m okay. Or at least I will be.”
“I just don’t want you to overwhelm yourself,” he says. Maybe he’s right. He’s probably been worried sick about me. And I hate myself for it. I need to do this for me, but also for Mum. She wanted me to have a good life. I don’t want to just throw it away.
“This is a fresh start. I’m coming here to get back on track,” I tell him, and it’s true. I really want this to work out for me. I’ll be okay. I have to be. I don’t want to end up back on a rooftop.
“And I’ll be here for you. So will Kai. You’ll be okay, I know you will. You’re strong, even if you don’t think so.”
I can be strong. I can do this.
“So where am I actually taking you?”
“Kai’s flat.”
“He knows you’re coming?” He asks, his eyebrows raise.
“Nope.”
Harry smirks then fails at holding back a laugh.
“You’re not great at this whole communication thing are you?” He says, glancing briefly to see my expression.
“Yeah I probably should have warned him,” I say, my mouth forming a smile.
Sitting in the car with Harry and seeing the rolling hills and sand dunes of my favourite place on earth makes the muscles on my face do weird things.
I can’t help but look out the window in awe.
Just like sunsets, Cornwall will never get old for me.
“You think?” He laughs and I join in. “It’s okay I’ll take you to Kai’s. I imagine you’ll be taking the spare room?”
“Hopefully,” I say with my fingers crossed. Considering my childhood home had to be sold to pay for the funeral, I think it’s safe to say Kai’s spare room is my only option.
“I think it could be nice to stay with Kai, if he’ll have me.”
“I’m sure he will, man. It doesn’t feel the same seeing him on his own.”
The ride is filled with tearful laughter and aching smiles. It feels incredible to be that way again. We arrive at the top of the hill that leads to Perrancombe. That hill that leads to home. When we drive down the winding road, the town comes into view and I almost cry.
It’s just as I remember.