I Could Have Missed This

Chapter 20

Irest my tummy on my surfboard as I swim out further into sea. Elijah is beside me too, breathing heavily as we swim against the waves. Soon, we make it out far enough, and decide to sit on our surfboards. We catch our breaths for a few moments.

“Doesn’t this just make you feel alive man?” He asks, taking a deep breath. He takes his wet hands and runs them through his hair.

“Surfing always clears my head,” I tell him as we bob up and down on the water.

My injured hand stings a little, but not too much.

I sigh as I relax my shoulders. The wind on my face and the water on my skin does make me feel alive.

I don’t think I’ve this felt alive for awhile.

These past few weeks have been everything I could have hoped for.

What does it feel like to be alive? Is this how it feels?

“I’m not sure if Kai has had a chance to speak to you yet. But yesterday I asked him if he would go on a date with me.”

“Oh my god Eli that’s great,” I exclaim, a smile dawning on my face. Elijah smiles back, itching the nape of his neck.

“So you approve?”

“Of course. You’re great, and I’m glad Kai thinks so too. I knew yous would hit it off,” I tell him, punching him softly in arm.

“I really really like him. I just hope it goes well,” Elijah says, running a hand through his hair again.

“Do you know where you’re going?”

“Same place you and Teddy bear had your first date,” he replies. I think back to the first date. It feels so far away now. So much has happened since then. My life has gotten so much better since I took the leap and asked him out.

“I hear things are going well with you two,” he says, smirking at me.

“Yeah, things are definitely going well,” I tell him as we bob up and down on small waves. I can’t help but think about the blade in Teddy’s nightstand, but right now I choose to ignore the thought.

The sea is calm today. I try to mirror it.

“Just so you know, we have very thin walls in the flat,” He points out. I reply by splashing water at him.

“Shut up,” I groan. We both laugh.

“I’m only kidding, sex doesn’t really appeal to me so I won’t be that offended if you don’t invite me to join in.”

“I will push you into the sea Eli I swear to god,” I laugh, covering my face. Elijah laughs hysterically.

“I’d like to see you try bitch,” he jests, causing me to attempt to push him in, but I end up falling off my board instead.

“Oh my god you’re going to make me piss myself!” He cackles. I climb back onto my board and glare at him.

“That was a hundred percent your fault man,” he says, still laughing. He takes a deep breath, trying to fill his lungs with oxygen again. He puts a hand on his chest and feels it rise and fall with his breath.

“What do you mean sex doesn’t appeal to you though?” I ask, thinking back to what he said before.

“Oh, well I’m actually asexual. I’ve had sex a few times and it’s just.. not for me,” he tells me as he looks off at the distance.

“Oh, fair enough,” I say. I’ve heard of asexuality before. After that horrible night at the party, I originally thought I might have been asexual. I researched a bunch about it but realised it didn’t sound like me. So I know what it is but I’ve never met someone that identified that way though.

We really do have the whole alphabet in that bookshop of ours.

“Oh wait here’s one!” He says, pointing to a wave coming up.

We quickly turn around and go onto our chests.

We start swimming away from the wave, until we catch the wave.

We both go to stand up, although Elijah does it a lot more gracefully than I do.

He does a small jump from his chest onto his two feet.

I’ll need to get him to teach me how to do that.

Soon, we’re both riding to shore. I can’t help but laugh at how cool this feels.

We pick up speed, and soon we’re back on the beach.

I jump off the board and bring the sea air deep into my lungs.

“Aw man that was awesome, didn’t think we were gonna get any big ones today,” he says. He holds out his fist and I fist bump him. The smell of BBQ fills our noses.

“That better be ours,” Elijah says, picking up his board.

“Yeah I’m starving,” I tell him.

As we walk towards our friends, Daisy gives us a wave.

“Hey guys, the sausages are almost done,” Daisy says as the sausages sizzle away on the disposable BBQ. Kai is giving her a hand while smoking a joint. Teddy and Cat are building a fire in the middle of our chairs.

“Hey, baby, want a hand?” I ask while he’s busy placing sticks onto the fire. He turns around and is taken aback.

“What?” I ask, laughing nervously.

“You just look so… muscular in your wetsuit… and no I don’t need a hand,” he says, his face going red. I smile.

“Thanks, could you actually give me a hand getting out of it?”

“What do you mean?” He asks, his face like a tomato now.

“Just hold a towel for me while I put on my shorts,” I ask, grabbing my towel and shorts.

“Could you pull my zip down?” I ask, turning so my back faces him.

He walks up and pulls it down, the wind hits my bare skin.

Teddy holds the towel around me. I roll the wetsuit off of my body and throw it onto the blanket below me.

Even though Teddy could peek over the towel and see my naked body, he chooses not to and looks off into the distance respectfully. I pull my denim shorts up over my legs.

“You can take the towel away now,” I tell him, he places the towel onto the blanket and we go over to take a seat.

Kai is giving Elijah a hand with getting out of his wetsuit. I can hear them discussing what kind of tape they use to bind, and how Elijah has to buy a waterproof one for surfing. Soon, he’s wearing a pair of shorts, and they come to join us.

“So, I heard you’ve got a date soon,” I say to Kai. He smiles softly, blushing a little.

“Maybe,” he replies, glancing over at Elijah who is now helping Teddy with the fire. “I really like him. Hopefully I don’t mess this up. I’m really excited.”

“You won’t mess it up. What will be, will be, as they say,” I tell him, he turns to me.

“Yeah? Who said that?”

“I don’t know… someone?” I reply with a small laugh. We laugh between ourselves as well look at all our new friends.

“You look happier,” Kai says after a moment.

“I feel happier.”

“I haven’t seen you this happy since… well you know.

” Before your mum died goes unsaid. I should never have left home.

I should have stayed with Kai and we could have worked through it together.

But would things have gone the same way?

Would I be the same person if it wasn’t for what I’ve been through?

The fire is finally lit after Teddy and Elijah fiddled with it for a while. We all go and sit on camping chairs next to it. I just can’t stop smiling.

Elijah has got his guitar out and we’re all singing old emo songs together as the fire rages on. An oil painting of yellow and orange floods the sky as the sun sets behind us. I lean into Teddy’s body as he puts an arm around me. The fire is hot on my skin.

A joint is being passed around the circle. I take a few draws while the smoke joins the dance already created by the fire in the middle of us. I feel my body relax as I sing my heart out amongst my new found family.

Is this what happiness is? I never thought I would find that divine experience, I almost gave up looking for it.

I almost gave up…

If I had actually gone through with it… that night on the roof, I would never have found this happiness. I wouldn’t have met Teddy, and I wouldn’t have met all my friends.

If I had killed myself, I would have missed all of this.

I could have missed this…

I stop singing as a lump forms in my throat. My bottom lip trembles as I look around at the people I have the honour of loving. Teddy squeezes my hand. It’s then that the tears start flowing down my cheeks. I hide my face with my hands.

“Noah? What’s wrong?” Teddy asks, leaning in. I wipe my eyes and sit back up. I laugh through the tears.

“I don’t know why I’m crying, it’s so silly. I’m sorry,” I say quietly. Everyone continues to sing as Teddy takes my hands into his. He wipes my tears.

“Tell me what’s wrong honey.”

“I could have missed this, Teddy,” I say with glassy eyes. My face hot and wet.

“What do you mean?”

“I was going to take my own life when I was at Uni. I stood on a rooftop with the intention of ending it all. I was just thinking that, if I went through with it… I could have missed all of this. I could have missed falling in love with you, I could have missed being happy,” I explain before sobs escape me.

I lean into his chest. Teddy doesn’t say anything but rubs my back as I cry into his chest.

“I’m so happy Teddy. I don’t want this to end,” I tell him, hugging him tightly.

“Who says it will?” He asks, squeezing me tighter.

This is all I ever wanted.

If this is what happiness feels like, I’ll hold onto this with all my might. I won’t let anything bad happen to them.

Teddy and I arrive at the house before everyone else. We left a little early because they decided to get a drink at the pub on the beach.

“I had a really nice night,” Teddy says as he enters the kitchen. He grabs a bottle of wine and starts pouring me a glass.

“I don’t know why I got so emotional, I’m sorry,” I tell him as I take the glass of Rosé from him. I take a sip and the taste of cranberries and strawberries reside on my tongue.

“You don’t have to be sorry, I get it,” He says, taking a sip of his own. I look at him leaning against the kitchen counter, and I can’t help but give him a kiss. His lips are fruity and wet.

“What was that for?”

“Do I need a reason to kiss my boyfriend?” I ask, smirking at him. He kisses me back, but deeper this time. I stand up on my tip toes as he puts his arms around my hips. As we come apart, I glance over at the front door.

I wonder how long they’ll be?

As I look into Teddy’s eyes, a hunger resides below my tummy. I haven’t felt like this with a boy in a long time. I kiss him again, swirling my tongue around his in a dance of devotion. I want him in a way I’ve never wanted anyone before.

I start kissing him again. He places his glass down. He swiftly lifts me up onto the counter top, and he’s kissing my neck in a way that sends shivers down my spine. There’s electric sparks with every touch.

My breathing quickens as I begin to take his top off. I struggle a little, until he comes away from me and takes it off himself. His chest is a little hairy, but toned. His nipples are pierced too.

“Can you… can you take my shirt off for me?” I ask in-between kisses. He obliges, taking the shirt above my head and throwing it into a pile with his. He takes a look at my body, I feel exposed.

“You’re so beautiful, Noah,” He says as I my heart beats wildly in my chest. I smile at him, not knowing how to respond. Something inside me beckons me to undo the button on my shorts. I part my legs.

“You want to…” he asks, looking down at crotch. I can see a bulge in his trousers, which makes me smile wider.

“Yes, I really do,” I tell him. He goes to kiss me again while placing his hand around my length. His hand moves up and down, which sends my head and heart into a frenzy.

“Tell me at any time if you want to stop, okay?” He says, before kissing me on the neck again. I nod before he gently lowers me onto my back. He kisses me on my chest, then my tummy, before going lower and lower. I cover my mouth before loud moans escape me. I thought people faked it?

He reaches my v-line, and his kisses are electric. He reaches for my dick, and he glances up at me before placing his lips around the head. A moan escapes my throat. I can’t help but grip onto the counter top’s edge.

“Teddy that feels… amazing,” I breathe as his head moves up and down.

He moves so melodically like we’re a song.

My mouth salivates as the fire in my crotch ramps up to eleven.

His tongue begins to swirl around as I grip onto his hair.

I start to thrust ever so slightly. My body is doing things naturally, like it’s playing along to the song on it’s own.

As I reach the cusp of orgasm, Teddy takes my cock out his mouth. He moves his hand up and down on my dick, gripping it just the way I like. I shudder at his touch before cum flies out the tip and lands on my tummy. My breathing is fast and heavy as I feel myself melt at his touch.

“Did you like that?” He asks as I begin to sit up. I grin while I attempt to get more oxygen into my lungs.

“You’re really good at that,” I say, before kissing him. His tongue tastes salty and sweet at the same time. My crotch is pressed up against his. He lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his hips.

“Take me to your room?” I ask, to which he obliges. I’m surprised he’s able to lift my weight so nonchalantly.

Roars of laughter sound from the front door. I feel my face heat up as Teddy rushes to his room. I giggle as he practically throws me onto the bed and locks the door behind him.

“That was close,” he says, breathing heavily against the door. I can’t stop giggling at him. I’m not sure he’s realised yet.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Maybe because you haven’t realised our shirts are still lying on the kitchen floor.”

“Oh, oh shit,” he gasps before heading out the room again. I pull the covers over me while listening to his awkward explanation for the discarded shirts. None of them are buying it at all.

Teddy comes back into the room, his face like a tomato.

“Hey.”

“Don’t hey me,” Teddy mutters. I giggle softly as I pat the space in the bed next to me. He lies down to face me. I can’t help but smile widely.

“Thank you,” I say after a few minutes.

“What for?”

“For making me feel safe,” I tell him. His expression brightens at the words. I’ve never felt more safe in my entire life. I want this to last forever.

“You deserve to feel safe.”

I think I’ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.