Chapter 30
…
GEORGE
Hi.
How are you?
I know this is ridiculous, but apparently Zoe has a bunch of errands and an article to revise before she heads out of town later, so she asked me to check on you.
Dec 23 at 11:38 AM
OWEN
Huh. She just asked me to check on YOU. And… this might sound slightly insane but she wants me to send you some memes?
· . .
. · .
. . ·
I’ll tell her you’re fine if you tell her I’m fine.
Deal.
Dec 23 at 12:13 PM
OWEN
Is it just me or are there five separate dachshunds that take midday walks on your block?
GEORGE
I believe the proper term is “weiner dog.” And there are at least that many. Including the one with the pink rhinestone collar who only shows up on weekends.
Haven’t seen that one, yet! I’ll keep a lookout for her.
Look at you, assuming. Butch is definitely NOT a girl, FYI, and I doubt he would appreciate being mistaken for one.
Duly noted.
Dec 23 at 12:32 PM
GEORGE
Speaking of local wildlife… Are there bears here?
OWEN
Do you want the answer that will help you sleep at night or the real one?
Oh, God.
Dec 23 at 1:35 PM
GEORGE
WTF is this?
OWEN
That’s an ermine!
Wait, really? We have those? Like… royal furs from the Renaissance ermine?
Yep.
I’m impressed!
Dec 23 at 1:38 PM
GEORGE
And now I’m DEpressed and a little sick because who would make a coat out of those little guys?!
OWEN
If it makes you feel better, they hunt cute little bunnies themselves.
It does not.
Dec 23 at 1:55 PM
OWEN
Hey, quick question. Do you think the guys next door would like some scones?
GEORGE
Like these scones in your freezer? That are insanely good and that I assume you made?
Yeah?
OMG, I think they’ll adopt you.
Dec 23 at 2:53 PM
GEORGE
I love these puzzle boxes of yours. I hope you don’t mind that I’m playing with them.
OWEN
Not at all. That’s what they’re for. Glad you like them!
Although… am I contributing to your procrastination?
I take full responsibility. They’re great, though.
Thanks.
Dec 23 at 3:35 PM
OWEN
Me again. So, just went to the market a couple blocks over for currants and someone gave me a flyer for the “No Pants Subway Ride”.
GEORGE
Oh, are they reviving that?
Maybe? Do I want to know what it is?
Probably not.
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
My market sells currants?
Indeed they do.
Dec 23 at 4:22 PM
GEORGE
Hypothetical question: Can you overwater a Christmas tree?
OWEN
Yes.
Oh.
Is my tree still alive?
I mean, I think once you take an ax to it and drag it away from its natural ecosystem its days are numbered.
That’s dark, man.
Sorry, been writing a kidnapping sequence the last few hours.
And, yes, your tree is still alive.
That paper is from two days ago.
It’s COLD out there and town is more than a mile away.
Fair enough.
Dec 23 5:07 PM
GEORGE
This just in:
OWEN
Wow, I’m impressed she had time to send that. Her train is in half an hour.
Right… Christmas in Pennsylvania with Crazy Aunt Eleanor. Why aren’t you going?
Well, first, CRAZY Aunt Eleanor. But also, not my side of the family.
Ah, yes.
Oh hey look there’s more:
God, I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I hope I’m not keeping you from anything. Damn, am I keeping you from anything?
Feeling like I have to go out because coming all the way to New York to sit in an apartment is pathetic?
Open the window. Smell the exhaust and listen to the sirens. Authentic New York experience.
On it. OMG, another weiner dog!
Dec 23 6:26 PM
OWEN
Hey, your neighbors loved the scones, btw.
GEORGE
Oh great, now they’ll do nothing but ask when you’re coming back.
Sorry!
Don’t be!
Dec 23 at 7:35 PM
GEORGE
I checked out your website!
OWEN
Oh. Hey. How’d you find that?
Years of getting under the skin of Sebastian Steele have taught me how to track down anyone on the face of the Earth…
No. It’s in your email address, dude.
Oh yeah.
Really nice work you do.
Aw, shucks.
I feel like I should tell you how much I love Sebastian Steele, except… Okay I guess I should tell you I’veneverreadyourbooks…I’mreallysorrydon’thateme
What? Of course I don’t hate you.
Well. I hate you a little for these puzzle boxes.
Most of them I’ve gotten after a while, but this one that was on the shelf behind the tree is making me crazy.
· . .
Uh, yeah. I didn’t realize you’d find that. That one’s a little different.
Because it’s literally impossible?
Booby trapped?
Glued shut?
Full of tiny “snakes” that spring out when you open it?
It was just something I made for someone. But then I decided I didn’t want to give it to him.
Oh.
Do you not want me to…?
Doesn’t really matter does it? Because apparently you can’t open it?
Dec 23 at 8:31 PM
OWEN
Okay. I have to ask.
GEORGE
***
So I grabbed this pen to make a note. Only it seemed like it was out of ink because it wasn’t writing. Until I noticed the blacklight feature on it. I just want to check here - this is some kind of invisible ink spy pen you have?
Well, this is humiliating.
What? Why? It’s cute.
It’s – Anabel - my editor - she likes to gift me kitschy spy gear from time to time.
That’s possibly more cute. Guessing this also explains the cipher spinner thing that looks like it’s written in Aramaic?
Yep.
And the fancy corkscrew I found on the sideboard?
Oh yeah, that’s a laser.
. · .
I mean, it’s a “laser.” (Aka a laser pointer).
It’s actually also a corkscrew, but it’s a piece of shit. Real one’s in the drawer next to the fridge.
Yeah, thanks, I found it.
Did you also find the toilet paper roll safe? Oh, and the exploding golf balls?
What??
Never mind.
Dec 23 at 8:45 PM
OWEN
Seriously, am I keeping you from writing with all this texting?
GEORGE
Yes, thank God.