Chapter 10 #3
“If she doesn’t want to go, take me instead,” says the blonde who is still lingering nearby. Hasn’t she got the hint already? “Pick me up at eight. We can skip dinner and just have dessert.”
Her comment drips with innuendo, as I doubt any food will be consumed.
I’m no longer in control of my actions as I dive for a ball in the bucket and hurl it at the target. The bell rings, and it feels as though a tsunami shakes the stall.
That tsunami is Kit dropping into the water tank.
He jerks his head upward, coughing and spitting out water. The sight is one I’ll cherish forever.
“I’m not scared…I’m just not interested,” I say, gloating as Kit brushes the wet hair from his eyes.
Speaking of eating…he looks as if he wants to eat me alive.
“But if you’re buying…there are hungry kids at the orphanage who would love late-night pancakes and cocoa.”
Father Justin pauses his conversation with the parish and smiles gently at me.
Kit’s arrogance wilts, and his eyes soften. “Who doesn’t love late-night pancakes?”
No surprise, the kids love Kit too.
It seems everyone is a fan.
The stall pulled in over five hundred dollars, which is incredible. It seems Kit’s charisma is good for something.
Kit nudges me with his shoulder, and asks, “What are you smiling at?”
“Just the memory of a ten-year-old dunking you,” I say in a staged, faraway voice.
“Keep it quiet. I have a reputation,” he jokes.
“I think that reputation is ruined,” I counter, hiding my smirk behind the mug of hot cocoa.
Kit kept his end of the bargain and bought the kids more pancakes than they could eat in a week. I realized he did this because he wanted the sisters to eat with us, too. Sister Elena oversaw making the cocoa.
So here we sit at the table with the kids and the sisters, and a now dry Father Justin. The atmosphere is relaxed. The sisters talk among themselves about tonight’s success. They’ve raised more than expected.
Ronnie sits in my lap as always, picking at my pancakes instead of his. But I don’t mind.
It’s the simplicity, such as this, that brings me the most peace. I don’t know how to explain it, but it makes me think that maybe a part of me isn’t tainted.
Maybe a part of me is still good.
My thoughts drift to Jupiter.
Being with Kit feels like the outside has been placed on pause, and it’s just us. He reminds me of happier times, times when I was happy even though I didn’t feel it. Experiencing everything that I have after that night has me appreciating the good times all the more.
“Okay, children, it’s time for bed. Thank Kit for his generosity,” Father Justin says.
“Thank you, Kit,” they singsong.
Kit smiles, and it’s apparent he’s touched. It’s hard not to be. These kids may not have had the best start in life, but you wouldn’t know it just by looking at them. This is why I feel at home here. Everyone is entitled to a fresh start, no matter their past.
Ronnie turns and sleepily wraps his arms around my neck. “Good night, Olivia.”
“Good night, my little monkey.” I place a kiss on his forehead. “Say good night to Kit?”
Ronnie pretends he doesn’t hear me.
“Ronnie—”
“It’s fine. Good night, Ronnie. Sleep well,” Kit says warmly.
In response, Ronnie pokes his tongue out at Kit.
“Ronnie!” I playfully scold. “That’s not nice.”
Ronnie doesn’t take it back. He’s going to be a stubborn teenager.
A sister takes Ronnie from me. As she leaves, he blows a kiss, which I pretend to catch and tuck away in my pocket. Kit gets a dirty look.
“I don’t think he likes me,” Kit teases.
“Don’t take it personally. He’s just protective.”
“I like the kid,” Kit replies, coming to a stand. “He stands his ground and won’t be pushed around when he grows up.”
He’s right.
Ronnie is headstrong. I know a great future awaits him. I hope I’m around to see it.
We throw away the plastic plates and utensils in the trash bag. Sister Francine collects all the mugs and brings them to the kitchen to wash.
Suddenly, there’s an awkward silence between Kit and me.
“So—” he says with a smirk.
“So—” I repeat, wondering if he wants me to show him out. Lacking experience in this department, he’s going to have to give me a hint.
“So are you going to show me around?”
I’m relieved he wants to stay.
“I can, but there isn’t much to see, especially in the dark.”
“Okay, take me to your favorite place then.”
“I can do that.” I lead the way, needing to put some space between us because I suddenly feel overwhelmed—but in a good way.
We quietly walk the halls until I open the back door. The night is warm. Cicadas are chirping. Kit follows without question. It feels nice having him trust me. We don’t speak. But it’s not uncomfortable.
I lead him to a small garden surrounded by bluestone. The roses are blooming. I visit this spot often to sit and reflect. Seeing the names of adopted children etched into the stones always brings me a sense of peace.
There is good in the world. The dozens of names are proof of that.
Kit traces the adoptees’ names on the bluestones. “I see why you like it here,” he says quietly. “We really are just a tiny part of the universe.”
“Yes, but I like it,” I admit, standing beside him.
“It puts things in perspective. What really matters is what we do when we’re here and not waste time.
Sometimes we’re fortunate enough to be given another opportunity.
If not, we simply learn from our errors and face the consequences when the time comes. ”
“And what have you learned?” Kit asks, eyes still focused on the stones.
I pause to consider his question. “I’ve learned that bad things can happen to good people, but we can choose not to be victims and instead prove our resilience. We can prove that we are stronger than whatever tried to break us.”
“Have you shown that you’re stronger?” Kit reads between the lines.
He knows I speak from experience.
Maybe he does too.
“I’m trying…every single day.”
“And that’s all we can do. We try to be better.”
I nod, aware that my actions have been awful, but I’m trying to make amends. That’s the reason Jupiter is missing—she accepted me at my lowest because her own lows matched mine.
“If you had the chance to undo the worst thing you’ve ever done, would you?” It’s as though he senses the secrets I hide.
The worst thing I’ve ever done is not killing Smokes or being an accomplice to Jupiter. Nor is it planning on killing two other people and not thinking twice.
The worst thing I’ve ever done is leave Dandy without a word. If I could take that back, I would.
“In a heartbeat,” I reply, unable to keep the emotion from my voice.
The air is heavy.
I know what he’s about to ask.
“What did you do?”
When I clench my hands into fists, half-moon marks are left on my palms. The pain reminds me of my sins. Just because I’m trying to be better doesn’t absolve me of my immoralities.
I wet my lips, attempting to find the right words. I must be careful with what I share. But I don’t want to lie…more than I already have. “I left behind the person I loved most in this world. And now, I think he needs me. But it’s too late.”
“Why is it too late?”
“Because I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.” I fight back tears, determined not to let them overflow. “I think I may be part of the reason he needs me.”
As ambiguous as that is, it’s all I can offer.
“You left to protect him?”
I shake my head. “I left to protect myself.”
“Against who?”
“Against myself.”
I glance over at Kit, who appears to be processing my unclear admission. “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to figure this out. What do you mean?”
“I mean that if I had stayed, I would have ruined everything and everyone I cared about. The pain inside me was so fucking suffocating that it changed me into someone unrecognizable, destroying the person I used to be.
“Leaving was my gift. I wanted him to remember who I was, not who I’ve become.”
“You’re incredible now,” Kit says, touching my cheek.
I want to believe him, but he only knows snippets of the story, the parts I’ve allowed him to see. He wouldn’t say that if he knew I was lying to him. He wouldn’t say that if he knew I was talking about his brother.
“Thank you. Truly. But I wasn’t fishing for compliments.”
“I know that,” Kit assures me, his touch still lingering. “I wasn’t giving you one. I was just telling you what I see.”
“You see what I want you to see,” I whisper, falling deeper and deeper under his spell.
“No,” he gently contests. “I see what you don’t.”
I’m speechless.
I’m touched.
And the reason for that is because I know he means it.
But he’s enamored by a lie, by the girl he thinks I am.
I close my eyes because it’s nice here in the dark, in a world of make-believe where I’m the hero and not the villain. Where I’m someone special to Kit.
“Why did you close your eyes?” Kit asks softly.
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” I confess.
“You are so far from disappointing, Cupcake.”
Again with the nickname?
It brings home the fact that I’m nothing but a liar and a murderer. I’m someone who doesn’t deserve to feel this utter contentment at being here with Kit.
I open my eyes, a breath catching in my throat when I meet Kit’s eyes. No matter how many times I see them, they always leave me speechless.
“You are unlike anyone I have ever met before.”
“Is that a good or bad thing?” I ask, confused and afraid.
A faint smirk tugs at his full lips. “I don’t know yet.”
As ambiguous as his reply is, I understand exactly what he’s trying to convey. And the reason for that is because I feel the same way.
“Walk away then. Walk away before it’s too late.”
God, I mean that in so many ways.
“Even if I wanted to”—he thumbs the center of my bottom lip—“I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?” I whisper, trembling.
He leans in until our faces are mere inches apart. “The same reason you can’t.”
His breath is warm.
He smells like cinnamon and spice.
My body quivers.
I am lost…lost to these feelings I don’t understand. Or feelings I don’t deserve.
“Kit—”