Chapter Thirty-Four
Ryder
Carly and I are sitting on a couch in the rec room a few hours after we get back from the competition. The team’s spirit has been high all afternoon, and I’ve been trying to be as happy as them. But it’s hard.
My amazing girlfriend and I were supposed to play games here, but we ended up sitting on the couch for over an hour, just being together. My arms are wrapped around her and she rests her head on my shoulder.
“You’re quiet,” she observes.
“Sorry. Just thinking.”
She raises her head to look at me. “I noticed you seemed a little down at the competition.”
Swallowing, I nod. “Yeah. I didn’t want to drag the team down, but I was upset about something. I’m still upset.”
She sits up. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I hesitate.
She places her hand on my cheek. “Is it your parents? I didn’t see them at the competition.”
Sighing deeply, I shake my head. “No. They didn’t come.”
She waits for me to say more, her hand stroking the back of my head.
I take her hand. “It’s hard for me to talk about them,” I say in a low voice. “It hurts too much.”
She nods in understanding.
“But I want to tell you. There’s a lot about me that you don’t understand. Some of it will explain why I pushed you away when we were little and hung out with Blake all the time.”
“Ryder, you don’t have to explain anything if it’s too hard. I just want to be there for you and help you go through whatever hardships you’re going through.”
I rub my cheek with hers, then kiss it. “Thanks. I appreciate that, Carly. Really. You’re so amazing.” I press my face between her neck and shoulder.
She rubs my back. “I wish I knew what to say to help make this easier for you.”
“You being with me is more than enough.” Lifting my head off her shoulder, I muster the best confident smile I can. “Remember I was at your house pretty much all the time when we were younger?”
She nods. “You and Blake had a sleepover like every night.”
“That’s because I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to live with my parents. I loved being at your house. Your parents were so kind and loving, so different from my parents. They never loved me.”
Her eyes widen and she takes my hand. “Oh, Ryder.”
“They gave me everything I needed physically—food and a roof over my head. But they weren’t there for me emotionally.
Sometimes I’d eat dinner alone, but when I ate with my parents, it always felt like we were strangers.
But then I ate dinner at your house and everything seemed great.
But of course I had to go home as well, and that always made me want to run away.
I never did, of course. I wished your parents were my parents because mine sucked.
They had no relationship with me. They never came to my football games or took an interest in me.
Dad sat in front of the TV all day and I have no idea what my mom did.
No one even came to wish me good night before I went to sleep.
And they fought all the time. All the time.
About every little thing. Most couples who argue that much get divorced, but they didn’t even do that.
I think they liked tearing the other one down.
” I take a breath. “One night when I was twelve, my parents were arguing and I heard them say that I was a mistake.”
She gasps.
I nod. “They never wanted me.”
“I’m sorry.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Thanks. Of course it hurt me, but it hurt me more when they treated the other like crap. They clearly didn’t love each other, and I realized that love was just something people made up to get them through the days.
I didn’t want to be like my parents. I didn’t want to one day treat a girl that way.
I knew that settling down with someone and getting married wasn’t the right path for me. I’d end up exactly like my parents.”
I stroke her cheek with my finger. “But you made me realize that’s not true. I don’t have to be like my parents. I could have a happily ever after. With you, Carly.” I rest my forehead on hers. “I really don’t want to be like them.”
She shakes her head as she stares into my eyes. “You won’t be. You have a huge, kind heart that’s overflowing with love to give.”
“Thanks, that’s so sweet of you to say,” I whisper.
“So when I started hanging out with Blake, I was finally with people who appreciated me. Him, your parents. I wasn’t just someone that nobody wanted around.
I was cared for. Loved, even. I confided a lot in Blake.
Told him about my home life and my parents.
He didn’t say much, he just listened, which was exactly what I needed.
And we’d be talking about something private and serious and then you’d come and demand to play with us.
Sorry, I hate to say this but you kind of got in the way.
I was pouring my heart out to my best friend and you kept bothering us.
” I hang my head. “I’m so sorry. I know nothing I say can excuse how I treated you—”
“No. I’m sorry for getting in the way. We were so young and I had no idea you were going through that. I thought you and Blake just didn’t want me around.”
“Honestly, most of the time we didn’t talk about serious topics and did have fun. I just wanted to be alone with Blake. I felt comfortable around him because he knew about my home life. It wasn’t like that with you.”
“I know I got in the way. I was just so lonely.”
“I know.” I sigh. “We were both lonely and hung onto Blake because he’s such a good listener and has a gift for making you feel better.”
She nods.
“You have that gift, too,” I tell her. “I’m really sorry about all the pain I put you through.”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry for judging you and holding a grudge against you. You were just a kid going through something so difficult. I wish I could have been there for you, too. But I’m glad I can be there for you now.”
I brush my lips against hers. “Thanks. So all my life they acted like I was a burden to them and they didn’t come to my football games or any school events.
And when I got accepted to Harrington, I told them I’d be leaving for the year to dorm here.
They didn’t seem the least bit interested.
I’ve been texting them for the past few weeks, updating them on how I’m doing and inviting them to the dance competitions.
But they never text back or return my calls.
” I shut my eyes. “I don’t know why there’s this thing deep inside me that’s holding onto the hope that they’ll love me one day. ”
She searches my eyes. “I don’t believe that they don’t love you. You’re their son. Their only child.”
I bend forward, puffing my cheeks. “They pretend I don’t exist. How can they love me?”
She bites her lip. “I don’t know, but have you tried talking to them?”
“Not really. I texted and tried to call them. That’s enough of an indication of how they feel about me. I bet they’re glad I’m gone now.”
She stretches her arms around me, holding me close.
“What if you’re wrong?” she says softly.
“What if they do want to talk to you, they just don’t know how?
Maybe calling and texting isn’t enough. Maybe you need to see them face to face.
Tell them how you feel. If they see how sincere and pained you are, maybe they’ll listen to you. ”
I think over her words. “I don’t know…”
She strokes my cheek. “You never know if you don’t try. It can’t hurt, can it?”
“I…guess not. But how exactly am I supposed to talk to them face to face?”
“We can drive to Pennsylvania. We can leave super early tomorrow and be back in time for classes on Monday.”
I just gape at her. “Are you serious?”
She searches my eyes. “It’s up to you if you want to do this.”
My gaze drops to the floor. “I want to have a relationship with my parents. The only question is if they want to have one with me.”
“Only one way to find out.”
“And you’re sure you want to come with me?”
She bends forward and kisses me sweetly. “Wherever you go, I go. I want to support you and be there for you.”
I give her a pained smile. “Thanks, Carly. Okay, we’ll leave tomorrow morning. Bright and early. We’ll need to get permission from the school, though, but I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”
She rests her head on my chest, stroking my cheek to help me feel better.
My heart pounds as I think about seeing my parents after so many weeks. Will they be angry to see me? Irritated?
But I can’t let the negative thoughts consume me. I need to be positive. Maybe my parents do want me in their lives.
It’s those thoughts and Carly sitting beside me that calm me down and make me look forward to tomorrow.
Even if things don’t go well, the important thing is that I tried. If they don’t want me in their life, I can close this chapter and look forward to the future. A future that has this awesome girl in it.