Chapter Twelve
Sophie
After Damian and I finish our tutoring session on Friday afternoon, I put in my earphones and video call my parents. They should already be at the cemetery.
Today is the death anniversary of Adam and Gina.
I could have chosen a more private location to participate in this event with my parents, but I don’t really want to be alone.
The library is safe because there aren’t that many people here, but I also won’t feel completely alone because there are still some people around.
When my parents’ faces appear on the screen, I can see the heartache and devastation on them. Mom and Dad always look like they aged ten years at every death anniversary. But despite their pain, they manage to give me a thankful smile, which causes some of my heartache to dissipate.
“Are you ready, sweetie?” Dad asks.
Taking a deep breath, I nod.
Holding the phone outward so I can see what they see, they enter the cemetery and make their way to my siblings’ graves.
I’ve gone to their graves during every single death anniversary since they died, but once I started attending Harrington Bay Academy, it’s been difficult.
I managed to get permission to leave campus in ninth grade, but it kind of messed me up for a few days.
Being there physically is totally different than video chat, and I don’t know if I can handle all the stress while worrying about school, too. So that’s why I’m on video call now.
It’s not long before the familiar graves appear. Mom leans down to place flowers over them, then steps back with Dad and just stares at them. They’re quiet for a long time.
Mom sniffs and dabs her eyes with a tissue.
Dad looks close to tears, too. I bite down on my lower lip, trying really hard not to break down.
There are so many confusing emotions overwhelming me, causing my heart to race and making it difficult to breathe.
But I focus on getting my breathing under control because I don’t want to have a panic attack.
I’m so sad by the loss of my siblings, but what makes me sadder is that I don’t really remember them.
I mean, I was only three. There are some memories that have taken a permanent residence in my mind, like the time they got their licenses at sixteen.
Both of them wanted to get them on their birthday and they were worried one would pass and one would fail.
Some of the memory is hazy, but I remember Adam throwing me on his shoulders and claiming that their twin telepathy worked for them that day.
We all went out for ice cream to celebrate.
Try as I might, I can’t remember what flavor any of us ordered.
I have an idea what flavors they liked because of all the videos Gina took, but there is no video of that day.
That’s how I know this memory is from me and not from one of her videos, and I hold onto it as hard as I can.
I’m so upset with myself that I can’t yank more memories of them to the surface of my mind.
It’s like maybe a part of me forced them to the recesses of the mind because it was too painful to remember them right after they died.
My parents told me that I took their deaths really hard.
I don’t know what I understood about death at that age, but learning that the two people whom I looked up to were gone forever? That must have messed me up real bad.
There’s also a part of me that feels that everything that happens is for the best. I don’t know how much they suffered in the car accident—doctors claim Adam, the driver, was most likely killed instantly, but Gina might have suffered a bit.
They think that had she survived, she might have sustained some serious damage.
Maybe it was better that she passed away and didn’t continue to suffer here.
I hope they’re in a better place now. Whether that’s with God or somewhere else, I’m not sure. But I like to hope they’re okay.
“Gina and Adam,” Mom whispers in a choked-up voice.
Dad places his arm around her. “Hi, my lovelies. Dad, Sophie, and I miss you so very much. It’s hard to imagine that you would be twenty-nine today.
Nearly thirty! What a milestone.” She sniffs and wipes her nose.
“Maybe it’s not healthy to do this, but I like to imagine what your lives would be like had you survived the accident.
Would you have gotten married and had kids?
What careers would you have chosen? Adam, I remember you debating whether you wanted to be an architect or work in tech, and Gina, you loved the idea of helping people.
I know you both would have led fantastic, beautiful lives.
It brings my heart ease to hold on to that belief. ”
Dad kisses her cheek before saying, “I was proud of you all your lives and I’m still proud of you.
You have brought your mother and me only joy and light.
I know I say similar words every year, but my feelings haven’t changed.
Even though we were lucky enough to have you in our lives for only sixteen years, those were years filled with pure bliss, and I will never forget them. ”
The tears threaten to burst out of my eyes. I bite harder on my lip, hoping I won’t taste blood. I’ve never been able to fight the battle of tears in the past, and it seems I might fail today as well.
Mom and Dad say a few more words, and then Mom asks if I’d like to say anything.
Even though the tears have basically broken through my fortification, I whisper, “Yeah, I’ll say some words.
” I look to my right and left to make sure no one is looking or listening, but it’s kind of hard to see through the blur of my tears.
Then I say, “Hi, Adam and Gina. Big bro and big sis.” I smile and blink, causing the tears to roll down my cheeks.
“Are you causing trouble wherever you are?” I sniff and rub my sleeve across my nose.
“I stole a book from your room over winter break, Gina. It was one you stashed in your bottom drawer. I thought it might be a steamy book, but after reading it, I understood why you hid it. Because it’s the one you used to read to me all the time before bed.
I remember how much we both loved it. I hope it’s okay that I put it in a special place in my room.
It’ll always be a reminder of how you were the most amazing sister on the entire planet. ”
I grab a tissue from my backpack and wipe my nose and eyes. “Sorry, I’m a mess.”
“It’s okay, sweetie,” Dad says softly.
“Thanks. Adam, don’t think I forgot you.
Mom made me help her clean out some of the garage over winter break, and guess what we found?
All of your old action figures. Remember how I would beg you to play with me, but you insisted that they weren’t toys but precious collectibles?
But you made sure to give me your old ones, and you played with me even when you probably had better things to do than hang out with your three-year-old sister.
I even remember you blowing off some of your friends because we were in the middle of the most epic superhero adventure.
You were such a good older brother, and Gina, you were such a good older sister.
I wish I remembered you more. I wish I had more time with you. ”
A soft breeze passes through my parents, lifting Mom’s light brown hair off her shoulders.
I’ve noticed that this happens every time we visit their graves.
I know it’s my brother and sister. They’re telling us that they heard every word and that they miss us just as much as we miss them.
And they’re also assuring us that they’re okay and are in a good place. We shouldn’t worry about them.
At that moment, I wish I were there. Just so I could feel them. But I’m also relieved that I’m not because it kills me to see my parents in so much pain. It’s hard enough on video chat—it would be a million times harder if I were physically with them. I only wish I could hug my parents.
Mom and Dad remain at the cemetery for a few more minutes before leaving.
They don’t hang up with me until they’re a hundred percent sure I’m okay.
The tears have stopped, thankfully, and my breathing is under control.
The only thing I feel is this deep ache in my heart.
I know it’ll take a few days before it’s gone and I’m back to normal.
Thank God it’s the weekend and I’ll have time to recuperate.
But I also don’t hang up until I’m one hundred percent sure they’re okay, too. After they assure me that they are, we tell each other that we love one another and hang up.
I lower my phone onto the table with a shaky hand and stare at the space in front of me. Despite the fact that it’s been thirteen years since my siblings died, it still hurts a lot. Maybe not as much as the day they died, but it feels like a knife slicing through my heart.
The world moves around me, people coming and going, but I’m in my own bubble, reliving more memories of my siblings—well, trying to. I’ll hang onto as many as I can, no matter how much it aches.
Reading always makes me feel better, but I’m not sure I’m in the mood right now.
I kind of want to go up to my room and lie in bed, but I know that’s not healthy.
The best thing for me to do is keep myself occupied with something I love.
Maybe hang out with my friends. Raven and Carly don’t know what it’s like to experience loss, thankfully, but Addie lost her parents a few months ago.
Talking to her always makes me feel better, but I don’t want to bring it up now when she seems to be doing much better than when she first arrived here.
She’s obviously still heartbroken over their deaths, but she’s moving on as well, especially now that she has her amazing boyfriend.
It wouldn’t feel right to drag her into all the heartache just because I want to feel better.
Something above me yanks me out of my thoughts. When I raise my eyes, I find Damian standing before me.
“Forgot my jacket,” he says as he lifts it off the back of the seat he sat on during our tutoring session. I was actually surprised when he took his leather jacket off because it seems like he never takes it off, but it was stuffy in here during the lesson.
“Have a good day, Sophie,” he says before turning around.
“Thanks. You, too.”
He makes a move to leave, but then he turns around. I’m once again caught up in my thoughts about my siblings and don’t really pay much attention to him.
He moves closer to the table. “Are you okay?”
“Hmm?” I raise my eyes to his and find him watching me closely. “Oh. Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.”
He doesn’t move.
I return to staring at the spot before me and thinking about Gina and Adam.
“Sophie, are you sure you’re okay?”
I nod, swallowing hard.
He makes a move like he’s about to leave, but to my surprise, he drops down in the seat next to me. Not the one he sat at during our session, but the one right next to me.
I turn my head toward him, wondering why he’s sitting there. He keeps his eyes on me for a moment before staring at the spot before him.
Tearing my eyes from him, I once again stare at the spot before me, too.
I continue to remember my dead siblings, cementing all that I can into my brain.
I know I’ll forget them more as I grow older because that’s how the brain works.
New memories push away old ones. But I don’t want any memory of them to be pushed away.
I’ll fight to hold onto them with everything I’ve got.
Damian doesn’t leave. He doesn’t say anything, either. He just remains in his spot next to me.
I didn’t want to be alone, and having Damian beside me, even though he’s not saying anything, makes me not feel alone.
But I didn’t exactly want to interact with anyone or be social.
Having him sit next to me, not forcing me to talk or tell him why I’m upset, feels really…
good. It makes me feel safe and like I’m healing.
He doesn’t leave until I do.