Chapter Thirty-Three
Damian
I’ve been up for hours.
The conversation I had with Sophie yesterday plays over and over in my head.
Not only the words, but the way I held her in my arms. The way she looked into my eyes with nothing but care.
For me. I haven’t felt an ounce of care from anyone since my dad died.
Her looking at me like that made me feel like I actually mattered in this world.
I wasn’t prepared to open up to her. But after she poured her heart out to me about her brother and sister, I felt like I wanted to share the pain that’s taken a permanent residence in my heart.
I knew Sophie might be the only one in the world who would understand what I was going through.
I had a feeling she lost someone in her life because of that time I caught her crying in the library.
From her expression, I knew there was so much she wanted to say to me, but she didn’t want to overstep.
She was right about everything. That I don’t want to move on with my life, that I don’t think I can be happy when my dad is dead.
But my dad would want me to move on and be happy.
He would want me to look forward to the future, to maybe even meet someone special one day. Maybe someone like Sophie.
I shake my head. I shouldn’t be thinking about her like that when…
I wish I could be closer to someone. Closer to her. Ever since my dad died, I thought I could never be close to anyone, let alone have a girlfriend. But maybe I’m ready now. Sophie has shown me that maybe I’m not as messed up or broken as I thought. I do have worth. I do matter.
Not that she and I could ever…
She’s not looking for a relationship. She made it perfectly clear that the only boyfriend she wants is a book boyfriend.
But if I do want to get close to someone—possibly her—I have to share more of myself.
I can’t hide behind my pain or my fear and just wait for life to get better.
Because the truth is that my life has gotten better, all because of Sophie.
I might not have a good relationship with my mother, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy.
I should look forward to the moments Sophie and I spend together. Because that’s when I’m the happiest.
And another thing that makes me happy? My art.
Maybe I’m hesitant to share that part of myself because it would make me vulnerable, especially because my dad was a huge part of my art.
He claimed he was my number one fan, and he used to hang up my drawings all over the fridge when I was a kid.
He still did it when I was older, despite my protests.
He promised me my work will be out in the world one day.
I thought he was just being a proud dad, but maybe my art is good enough to be out there in the world.
And even if it isn’t, my father would still be so proud of me.
Is he looking down at me now and hoping and wishing I would enter the contest?
If he were alive, he would encourage me to submit my work and he would claim I would win.
If I don’t want to do it for myself, at least I can do it for him.
So even though it’s five in the morning, I open the school app and work on the application for the art contest. I need to attach a few samples of my artwork with the application, but I’ll have to think about that part later.
After trying to get in some more sleep and failing, I get up and flip through some of my old artwork, particularly the ones Dad loved.
I’m so engrossed in it that I don’t realize when the sun comes up and my alarm blares.
I’m nowhere closer to choosing an art piece to submit to the contest, but I feel a strong connection to my dad.
Maybe he’ll somehow help me choose the perfect piece.
Mom isn’t in the apartment when I leave my room. I’m happy about that because I feel too emotionally drained after my discussion with Sophie and I’m not sure I could put up with her. I hope I can get through the day without thinking about my dad every thirty seconds.
Breakfast goes by okay. Sophie waves at me from where she sits with her friends, even gestures for me to join her.
But like the previous time, I shake my head.
I know her friends are as kind as her, and I know they’ll be welcoming, but I’m still too emotionally drained.
Plus, I don’t know if I’m ready to be social. One step at a time, right?
By the time the day comes to an end, I’m feeling much better about everything.
The lesson with Sophie goes by way too fast. It’s like the more I want to grab on to whatever time we spend together, the faster it slips right past me.
So when she and I are gathering our things, I say, “Can I show you something?”
“Sure.”
“But we have to take my bike. Can you meet me in the parking lot with your helmet? Unless you have plans. I totally understand.”
“And miss another chance to hang out with Queen Rose? Heck no.”
That makes me smile. “Okay, see you in a bit.”
I drop off my school things in my apartment and make my way to the parking lot.
Whenever I approach my bike, I get this feeling that it will either not be there or be vandalized.
But as much as some of the kids dislike me, I’m not worth them getting in trouble with my mom.
Or maybe most people just don’t care about me.
Truthfully, it doesn’t matter what anyone here thinks about me. Except for one person. Knowing Sophie, she would accept me no matter what, because she already has. As a friend, at least. But either way, I hope I never give her a reason not to want me in her life.
“I made sure to change out of my uniform,” her familiar voice says. When I spin around, I find her approaching with Queen Rose in her arms. She changed into a white shirt and jeans. “Where are we going?” She slides the pink helmet over her head and raises the visor. “Another surprise?”
“Not exactly. It’s a special place I want to share with you.”
“Ooh, that sounds intriguing.”
“There’s a bit of hiking, if you’re okay with that.”
“Bring it on.”
After we’re both on the bike, she hesitates for a second before wrapping her arms around me.
Like the other times, I instantly feel the warmth of her body as it presses into mine.
That spark passes through me, as well as a tingly sensation down my back.
I wish I could twist around and pull her into my arms, hold her close and thank her for all that she’s done for me.
Thank her for being the amazing person that she is.
Thank her for seeing something in me that no one else has.
Thank her for accepting me for who I am.
But the last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable, so I tell her to squeeze tight and kick into gear.
Then we’re off. Sophie yells happily as we zip down the streets, and I can’t help but laugh.
She’s come a long way since she first rode with me on my bike.
She used to be afraid, but now she’s adventurous and a bit riskier.
There are so many layers to this girl, layers I wish I could uncover one by one.
She’s not the goody-goody I thought she was on my first day here.
She’s so much more, and I wish I could spend the rest of my life getting to know every little detail about her. What lies in her heart.
We reach the hiking trail and I park in the lot. The weather isn’t ideal for a hike, but I’m glad Sophie seems excited for it.
“It shouldn’t be a long walk,” I tell her as we start the hike.
“It’s okay. I’m glad I’m spending time with you.”
That causes my heart to dance in a way it’s never danced in my life.
“Thanks. I’m glad I’m spending time with you, too.”
She smiles before turning her head away from me, her face growing pink.
We talk about various topics, mostly school, as we continue the trail. Then I make a turn toward an area that leads in the opposite direction from the path we were walking on.
“Uh, Damian? Are we going right?” Sophie asks. “The sign points that way.”
“I know. Do you trust me?”
She plays with her hair. “I don’t know. Do you plan to murder me and dump my body somewhere in the wilderness?”
“I didn’t bring gloves and my prints would be all over you. You’re not worth me going to jail.”
“I don’t know if I can take that risk.”
She smiles and I return the smile. Then we both laugh.
“You know I trust you,” she says. “I did ride with you on the back of your motorcycle more than twice.”
“You’re right. How could I forget what a big risk-taker you are? You’ll love the place I’m about to show you. Well, at least I hope you will.”
“I’m sure I will. It’s kind of cute how nervous you are.”
My eyes flash to hers. “Did you just say I’m cute?”
“Would you prefer sexy?”
“Maybe.”
She lifts her shoulders. “Well, I guess you’ll never know what I truly think because you can’t read minds.” She hums happily as she skips past me into the unmarked path.
“You don’t even know where to go,” I say as I hurry after her. I take her hand. “Don’t let go, okay? This is not part of the trail and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
She tightens her hold on my hand. “Okay.”
I’ve wondered the past few days what it would feel like to hold her hand.
I don’t just mean for a second or for comfort, but actually holding hands.
Like we’re doing right now. It feels so good to hold her hand like this, like our hands were meant to fit together perfectly like this. I don’t want to ever let go.
“Are we there yet?” she asks. “I’m so curious.”
“Just about.”
We take a few more steps and then finally reach the clearing. It’s an area in the woods that many people don’t know about. It’s a large grassy area with beautiful trees and flowers, with the sun setting at just the right angle to make the place look gorgeous.
“Wow, this is beautiful,” Sophie breathes. “How do you know about this place?”
“My dad used to take my mom and me here a lot,” I say as I lower myself near a tree. “It was my mom and dad’s special place.”
“Their special place?” Sophie drops down next to me. “It sounds like they were once in love.”
“They were.” I keep my eyes on the space before me. “They were very much in love.”
“Can I ask what happened?”
I sigh as I shake my head. “I don’t know exactly. I think her parents got involved. They never accepted him because he wasn’t from a rich family. And I guess my mom decided she loved the school and the Harrington Empire more than my dad and me.”
“I’m sorry. That sucks. You moved in with your dad?”
“Yeah. I lived here until I was ten.” I survey the area.
“My dad would talk about this place all the time, how he wished he could visit again. It got me upset sometimes because I couldn’t stand how much he still loved her after she…
” I shake my head as my voice quakes. “But I regret it so much now. I wish we could have visited here one last time before he died.”
She slides her hand into mine. “Everyone has regrets in their life. And that’s okay. You’re only human. You shouldn’t tear yourself up over it. I’m sure your dad visits this place as often as he wants. I’m sure he’s here with us now.”
“You think so?” I scan around the area. “I don’t feel him.”
“Sometimes I swear I feel Gina and Adam with me while other times…crickets. But I like to believe they’re here with us.”
I nod with my throat tight as I continue looking around the area, trying to feel my dad.
“Thanks for bringing me here, Damian,” she says as she scoots closer to me. “Thanks for opening your heart to me. I feel…well, I feel so much closer to you now.”
“You do?” I ask softly as I move closer and rest my hand on her cheek. It’s pretty cold out, but her cheek is so warm and smooth.
“I do,” she says.
“You’ve made me learn things about myself,” I admit. “You’ve made me learn to let go of the things that were holding me back. I’ve decided to submit an application to the art contest.”
Her face lights up. “You have? Damian, that’s awesome!” She throws her arms around me.
“Thanks.”
She pulls back and grins so wide that my heart soars. “I’m so happy. You’ll win for sure.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“Do you doubt your tutor?”
“No.”
“Good.”
We sit in silence, enjoying the beauty around us. I’m glad I feel comfortable and not awkward about the silence between us. It seems she feels comfortable, too.
I can’t help but just watch her. The way the wind blows her hair away from her gorgeous eyes and the way her face brightens when she takes in our surroundings. This girl has brought so much joy to my life, so much light to my dark world.
I think I’m finally ready to have a girlfriend, but only with one particular person. One special person. I only wish she felt the same.