Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
It was already dark when we left the diner, and even more bitter cold than it had been earlier.
Gabriel insisted on walking me home but I didn’t want to risk it on the off chance that Annika would choose this very moment to return to our apartment, so I said goodbye on the corner and hurried away before I changed my mind.
I’d only walked half a block when he snagged my hand, reeled me in and framed my face with his hands. “I don’t want to let you go.”
It was so dramatic, so stupidly tragic, that tears stung my eyes.
My best friend wasn’t speaking to me, and the boy of my dreams was standing right in front of me, imploring me to be with him, but I couldn’t even say, Yes, yes, yes, take me. I’m yours. Never let me go.
“Gabriel…” The words we can’t do this were on the tip of my tongue but those weren’t the words that came out. “Kiss me.”
“Thank fuck. I’ve been dying over here.”
No sooner were the words out than my back hit the wall and our mouths crashed like a thunderstorm.
It was that crazy, frantic kind of kiss where you feel like you might die if you stopped, and I was certain that no one in the history of kissing had ever experienced anything so all-consuming, so thrilling and earth-shattering as this kiss.
His lips, firm but soft. Our hands groping. Fingers tugging.
His tongue swept into my mouth and I tasted coffee. A little bit salty, a little bit sweet. I loved the taste of him and the scent of his skin.
He was like a drug, and I couldn’t get enough.
When he pulled back, I was panting and breathless and needy. I fisted his coat and yanked him toward me.
Our lips collided again. His hands were in my hair and his body was flush against mine, my back pressed against the unyielding brick wall.
We were trying to touch each other everywhere at once, readjusting an inch here, a hand there, my back arching off the wall, desperate to erase every sliver of space and get as close to him as humanly possible.
With our lips still locked, he wrapped his hands around the backs of my thighs and lifted me off the ground. My legs cinched around his waist and even through our layers of clothes, I could feel him.
I thrust my hips and he groaned, the sound so low and guttural, it shot straight to my core. I could feel the wetness seeping through my cotton layers.
“Oh god,” I moaned, digging my fingers into his hair and kissing him like my life depended on it.
We were practically dry humping against a wall, and I didn’t even feel the cold anymore. I felt like I might spontaneously combust into flames.
“Get a room!” a guy shouted, followed by braying laughter and catcalling that effectively jolted me back to reality.
I peeked over Gabriel’s shoulder at a group of teen boys walking past with a boombox blasting hip hop.
“I’d bang her against a wall, too, if I had the chance,” one of them called as they crossed the street. He punched the air. “Keep up the good work, dude.”
Gabriel’s forehead dropped against mine. Silent laughter shook his body. “Fuck. Maybe we should get a room.”
“There’s a flophouse just a few blocks away on the Bowery.” I jerked my thumb in the general direction. “Only ten bucks a night.”
“Your local knowledge is such a turn-on.”
We laughed and he kissed me once more before lowering me to my feet.
“Jesus,” he said, running his hand down his face. “That was…” He blew air out of his cheeks, temporarily at a loss for words.
My brain was mush so I couldn’t be of any help.
“Better than my wildest dreams,” he said finally, coming back in for another kiss, this one softer and sweeter but all too brief. “Hey, did you see Lou Reed?”
“I knew that was him!”
Gabriel nodded. “I didn’t want to bother him. He looked like he needed some space,” he said, tucking a lock of hair into my hat and looping the stray end of my scarf around my neck to keep me warm. “So what are you doing tonight? Devin’s band has a gig?—”
I held up my hand to stop him. Reality had encroached on my little fantasy world.
“I can’t. I really need to go home,” I said reluctantly.
He looked down the street with his jaw clenched.
With a loud exhale he tipped his face up to the sky like he was praying for patience.
“You’re killing me, you know that?” he said, his voice strained.
“Do you know how many times I had to stop myself from picking up the phone and calling you? Do you know how many times I’ve walked past House of Simone on the off chance I’d see you?
And then I walked into Monks last month and there you were, and it felt like maybe, maybe our time had finally come.
But the very next day you took off. And today…
today I told myself this is it. There’s a reason our paths crossed again and I?—”
I put my hand on his chest right over his heart. “Gabriel.” That was all I said. Just his name. It sounded like a plea or a prayer but I didn’t know what I was praying for.
“Cleo.” He gave me a sad smile. “I want to drive my chariot down your street.”
I put my fingers over his lips. “Don’t say that,” I said. “How did you know?”
“I saw your face. I have always seen you. Even when I wasn’t supposed to, I saw you, Cleo.
” He kissed my fingers and lowered my hand to my side, still holding it.
“This isn’t an infatuation. This isn’t some superficial thing just because I’m physically attracted to you.
Which I am. Obviously . But I could sit and listen to you talk for hours.
I could kiss you for days, nights, weeks.
I want to dance in the rain with you and read you poetry and sit next to you on the rooftop under a creamsicle sky and shout to the world that Cleo Babington chose me. I want you to choose me.”
My throat closed up and I forgot how to breathe.
All my life I’d been waiting for him .
The one I could talk to about everything and nothing.
The one who got me like no one else ever had.
The one who gave me butterflies and kissed me like it was the main event, not the prelude, and set my soul on fire.
Now here he was.
Right person, wrong time.
It was too much. All of it. I wasn’t ready for him. For this. For us.
Even so, a big part of me was tempted to say, Fuck it, let’s do it.
Let’s swap life stories and dance in the rain and share a toothbrush holder and a life. Who cares if I have to backstab a friend to be with you?
But I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t promise him anything. Not until I found a way to make things right with Annika, and even then, would I really be free to pursue Gabriel?
That kiss and his plea to be with him only proved that we were already more than just friends , and even before today we’d noticed too many little intimate details about each other to pretend innocence.
“I’m sorry.”
“Right.” He laughed under his breath and nodded, his jaw clenching as he took a step back, putting distance between us. “You can’t . Or you won’t? Why does this scare you so much, Cleo?”
I shook my head, swallowed hard, and said nothing. I didn’t have the answer.
Once again, I said goodbye and walked away.
This time though, he let me go.
When I reached the next corner, I looked over my shoulder.
But Gabriel was already gone.