CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Nova
FOURTEEN DAYS LEFT
If Cas described the sight before me, he’d say the waves were firing. I saw a horizon warming to sunrise, dark blues giving way to purples and oranges. And in the light mist of a mid-September morning, a flicker of hope.
I stepped from beneath the edge of the glassways on to the cool sands of Northend, my sandals in my hands.
With the AB Cup two weeks away, I knew Cas would be here with Pua and Jaiden before their classes.
I kept my heart in a steel box, not letting it flutter as I watched the three of them practice their clean rotations, down carving and cutbacks.
My nerves wound tight. I’d been clear the last time I saw him – we were nothing more than Pain Carrier and Pain Giver to each other.
The possibility of a cure didn’t change that.
But the anticipation of his reaction made me anxious.
I’d practiced this conversation for hours yesterday, after everything with Estelle.
Leo stayed with her, the two of us taking turns so she wouldn’t go through this multi-day hellflare alone.
She promised us she wouldn’t try to cut out her chip again, and I promised her I’d find a cure.
That started with Cas. I had to tell him everything Apollo told me: Dominion was a lie.
When I’d run through what I was going to say, I’d been strong, resilient, unbending.
Now, I folded under memories of us playing carnival games at South Beach and drinking milkshakes.
Our first kiss and every kiss after. How good he looked waiting for me outside Spa Hebe, the way he smiled at me in awe in the pool.
That memory buried the rest. He didn’t know, but he’d smiled while his disease wrecked my body.
It was sick. If I held on to that, I’d get through this.
Somewhere deep down, I knew me being in pain wasn’t Cas’s choice.
Me being alone during that interview hadn’t been his choice, his grandfather robbing me of my agency – that wasn’t Cas.
I clenched my fists as the ache of a hellflare woke beneath my skin.
But I couldn’t separate him from everything that hurt me.
Electric blue glowed wherever it touched.
It disgusted me how it made me weak, the pain growing as I gritted my teeth.
I dropped my head into my hands, waiting for it to end.
‘Nova?’ Cas stood in his wetsuit in front of me, water dripping from his curls.
My heart ached from beating so fast. I hated the Pain Giver in front of me, that hate wiping out any other emotion trying to swell.
But I couldn’t ignore his eyes. They overflowed with worry.
I could tell he wanted to console me and didn’t know how.
He was helpless. He felt a fraction of what I felt.
‘Are you –’ He reached for me, then stopped. ‘I mean, are you –’
‘I’m OK.’ I moved back, tension filling the gap between us. ‘It doesn’t …’ I almost lied about the pain. I’d gotten so used to lying. ‘It hurts, but the nervxs helps.’
‘Do you worry about taking too much?’
‘I take the max. That’s enough. Just give me a minute.’ I didn’t want to be fake with him so he could be comfortable. I stood there quiet, eyes closed again until my hellflare subsided, Cas waiting patiently. I exhaled as the pain dulled. ‘Can we talk?’
He nodded, and I followed him to the shoreline near his board.
We sat, and I stuck my toes into the sand.
I’d redone them since our spa date, not wanting the memory of it.
I’d taken an hour for myself – well, for me and Skye.
She’d painted them a dark blue, with my favorite constellation twinkling in gold.
It’d meant a lot to her, and to me, to have that moment of carefree happiness.
I wanted more moments like that. Moments of softness I controlled.
‘I know you said we can’t move past this,’ he started, ‘but I’ll do it. I’ll take back my pain, regardless of what we are to each other –’
‘Don’t. That’s not why I’m here.’ I ignored the hope trying to rise.
He moved his hand closer to where mine rested in the sand and curled his pinky around mine. ‘Whatever it is you have to say, I’m ready for it. You can trust me. Pinky promise.’
I slowly pulled my hand away and pushed down every emotion.
I tried not to think of our first pinky promise before our fake date.
I focused on the water, the strength of the waves crashing so close to our feet.
‘I found a black market for Pain Carriers. Most use it for stronger meds, but there are doctors who’ll remove your chip.
If I did that, the pain would go back to you – worse than before. ’
‘And I’ll take it –’
I shook my head. ‘I could never be a Pain Giver. And like I said – that’s not what I came to ask for.’
Pain marred his face, but I wasn’t sorry for what I said.
I needed him to understand. ‘I met with one of the doctors. They mentioned there might be some research your grandfather is hiding. It’s not on Dominion servers, but in his home office.
’ I pulled my attention away from the ocean and looked him straight in the eye. ‘Do you trust me?’
I couldn’t mention the cure – not yet. I didn’t want him to dismiss the idea or defend his family. His pain already leveled me, but his denial would destroy everything I had left. He had to have faith before seeing it.
‘Of course I do,’ he said.
I shook my head again. ‘No. Do you really trust me? I need you to believe in me.’
He sat back, searching my gaze. His brows furrowed at whatever he saw. ‘I trust you.’
I swallowed. This was it. ‘I want us to break into your grandfather’s office and see if we can find this research. Then we can both know the truth – and who’s lying to us.’
He blinked, stunned. ‘Oh.’ He didn’t say anything else, only scrunched his brows.
I braced myself for the no. Why would he believe me over his family?
Why would he go against his grandfather, whom he loved so much?
They were his world, even if he wanted to break away.
He never would. He could’ve left the day he turned eighteen.
He stayed because he’d never leave. I wanted to believe he was different.
That was what I’d told Apollo. Cas wouldn’t defend his family if he knew the truth.
‘OK.’
I recoiled, not expecting the simplicity of his answer. Had it really been that easy for him to say yes?
A hesitant smile formed on my lips. ‘OK? That’s it? We’re going to break into your grandfather’s office. The same grandfather you adore.’
He shifted, weighing his reply. ‘I heard you the other night when you said someone had lied to you too. I haven’t been able to shake it. I even asked my grandfather about any mistakes in research that could’ve been overlooked.’
My jaw almost dropped to the ground. I sat up, really looking at him. ‘What did he say?’
‘He told me about a scientist he fired three years ago for falsifying research. A disgruntled employee. But before Grandfather could figure out her motives, the woman was killed by a drunk driver, sadly.’ He shook his head.
‘I got him to consider new tolerance trials in the future, but that doesn’t change what’s happening now.
There has to be more, right? I believe you.
I believe the people at the town hall, the protestors with their signs – lies are contagious.
There’s something spreading through Dominion.
I just don’t know what. I tried to ask my mom about it too. I – I don’t know what to think.
‘I don’t want them to be lying to me,’ he whispered. ‘But I know you aren’t.’
I didn’t speak. I tried a few times, but closed my mouth again.
He still held hope for his family. I got it.
It was one thing for him to accept that Dominion was corrupt – another to accept that his family knew.
Or that his family was the corruption. I didn’t need to convince him and break his heart. They would do that themselves.
‘Cas.’ I didn’t want to push, but I had to. I needed to know he’d accept whatever we might find hidden in Mr Fox’s study. ‘I don’t trust your grandfather like you do. What if there’s no falsified research? What if your grandfather hid something real? What if he’s hiding a cure?’
He balked. ‘Why would he –’
He got to his feet and stared out at the water like it was his lifeline.
I guarded myself. His world was breaking.
He swore under his breath, running his fingers through his curls.
I didn’t notice Pua and Jaiden until Cas held out a hand for them to stay back.
They’d been watching us from farther down the coast.
He turned to me, his eyes red. ‘We’ll break in Friday.
There’s a Governor’s Ball in Sacramento and my family will be there through the weekend.
I can get out of it and stay home alone.
Most estate staff have time off when we’re out of town, aside from security, but let me worry about that.
We can copy his files from his solisDesktop.
’ He let out a slow breath. ‘I don’t know what he’s hiding.
The idea that it could be a cure … but there is something.
Whatever it is, we’ll find it. I’m here for you. ’
I threw my arms around him. I wasn’t thinking about us.
Not in that way. No, this was because he listened when I said I was in pain.
He listened when I said the Freedom System lied to me.
He listened when I said I needed his help to find the research hidden in his grandfather’s office.
He listened, even though that meant destroying the pedestal he’d placed his family on.
Cas tightened his arms around me. Between being used in that interview and the appreciation gala, I felt heard for the first time in a while, and it lifted a weight I hadn’t realized had been holding me down. He heard me and put me first.
I cupped his face, pressing my forehead to his. ‘Can I really trust you?’ I didn’t hide the desperation in my voice.
‘You always could. From day one.’