Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Hawk couldn’t tell if he was awake or dreaming. All he knew was that he was in a nightmare. Waking or dreaming, didn’t matter when the flashbacks took hold and turned his world into chaos, because it felt so real. Like he was right back in the war. The fight.
This time, he heard the incessant sounds of beeping, along with the rat-a-tat-tat of gunfire pinging the helicopter. He was going down and he had three other people on board. Soldiers he’d picked up right out of a firefight, saving their lives and taking them to safety.
Except, they weren’t going to make it. They were going down in enemy territory.
One of them screamed, “Robinson took two to the chest!”
Fuck.
Brown dropped next, a hit to his thigh as the helicopter suddenly listed to the right. No matter how hard he tried to control it, the helo was going down.
“Brace for impact!” He hoped they heard his warning over the screeching engine and blades whapping. “Mayday, mayday, mayday. Call sign Hawk. Taking heavy fire. Four on board, two soldiers shot.” He gave his coordinates. “Going down. Mayday, mayday, mayday.”
He saw the ground coming up fast, knew it was going to hurt like hell and probably kill him, but he tried with all his might to control their erratic decent.
He wanted so desperately to save them all.
The moment of impact brought him out of his flashback and to reality as he struggled with the tangled sheets. Everything was quiet for a moment, then the buzzing sound started up again.
He wasn’t thinking straight when he rushed out of the room to the kitchen and grabbed Lucky by her biceps and shook her. “Make it stop.”
Her eyes went wide with fear and she struggled to free herself from his punishing grip. “Let. Me. Go.” She leaned in, her gaze direct and demanding, showing him she meant business even with the terror in her eyes.
Suddenly, he realized what he was doing and let her go, putting his hands to his ears, trying to block out the incessant sound before he fell into another nightmare.
Lucky smacked the blender button, the noise ceased, and she stood before him, her chest heaving with her own distress as she stared wide-eyed at him, her hands shaking at her sides.
“What’s happening? Why are you sweating so much?
Are you sick? What’s wrong?” All the questions ran over each other as she quickly spit them out and he tried to keep up.
But his mind was split between here and there.
Her and them. Life and death. Sorrow overcoming him for the ones he lost, even though he tried so hard.
He fell back against the counter and sank to his ass on the hardwood floor, knees up, his fists in his eye sockets as he breathed even heavier than her and tried to clear the bloody memory from his mind, while also silently chastising himself for grabbing her like that.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He rocked back and forth, but it didn’t soothe him.
He just got more agitated. “I didn’t mean to grab you like that.
I should have never touched you like that.
It wasn’t you. I was just trying to find my way out. I needed to get out. To make it stop.”
Her warm, trembling hands slid over his hands and into his hair as she crouched in front of him. “You startled me. I wasn’t expecting you to come at me that way. I’m okay.” It sounded like she was trying to convince herself. “You didn’t hurt me. Everything is okay.”
He wondered if she was telling herself that or him.
“Ssh. You’re okay. Everything is fine. You’re safe.” She kept brushing her fingers through his hair, her body snuggled up against his up drawn legs.
He didn’t know if he could ever look at her again and not see the fear he’d put on her face. “I’m sorry.”
She pressed her cheek to the top of his head. “Was it a flashback?”
“Yes.”
She wrapped him in an awkward hug. “Do you want to talk about it?”
No. He didn’t. But he owed her some kind of explanation. “I.” He swallowed back the bile still rising in his throat from the flashback and from treating her so badly. “I told you I’d been in a helicopter crash.”
“I remember. The shrapnel wounds you have are from that accident.”
“It was no accident. We were shot down. Of the four of us on board, only two of us made it.”
Her hands stilled on his head. It felt good to feel her holding onto him. “I’m so sorry that happened. I can’t imagine how horrifying and devastating that must have been.”
“Sometimes, I’m right back in the helo seat watching the ground coming at me, hearing the guys yelling, the bullets hitting the chopper.
I can smell Robinson and Brown’s blood, the smoke from the engine, and hear the grinding of the engine gears as the blades whap, whap, whap so loud it’s like I’ll never hear anything else. ”
“The blender.” She breathed out the words. “No more smoothies. Got it.” She wrapped her arms around him again, her cheek on his forehead. “What can I do to help you?”
“You’re doing it. Your voice. Your touch. I need them to ground me in the here and now.”
“Well, then, I’ll talk and hold you as long as you need.” She settled in between his legs and leaned into his chest. “You’re not the only one who woke up from a nightmare today. I’m sorry I wasn’t in bed with you. I’m sorry my breakfast gave you the flashback.”
He kissed her on the head. “Not your fault. I never know what will trigger me. I haven’t had a flashback in nearly a year.”
Her chin fell to her chest. “Oh God. Definitely no more smoothies.” She held him tighter.
He actually almost smiled at that and her kindness and acceptance. He brushed his hands over her arms where he’d grabbed her. “Are you really okay? Did I hurt you? Your shoulder? Your knee?”
She shook her head, her long hair catching on the stubble on his chin. He loved feeling the silky strands against his skin. “I was more surprised than anything.”
Everything had been going so well for the last five days. She was getting better. They were getting closer. She was even back to working in the office doing paperwork and billing, while the others still covered the houses she cleaned.
She no longer needed the brace on her arm. She had about three quarters of her range of motion back in her shoulder. She was due to get her stitches out tomorrow. And she'd swapped her knee brace for a compression sleeve, which gave her support and some range of motion.
Hopefully, she’d get a clean bill of health, too.
Not that he didn’t think she was well. She seemed to be happy living with him.
They had breakfast and dinner together every day.
Their sex life was off the charts. The second he woke up, he wanted her skin to skin.
As soon as he came through the door each night, she was reaching for him.
They were like horny teenagers and he loved it.
But it was more than just great sex. They talked about their days together. They spent time learning about what each of them liked and disliked. They cooked together. They sat out under the stars and talked about their pasts.
He felt closer to her than anyone he’d ever dated.
That feeling of falling all those months leading up to them finally being together…well, he finally had to admit to himself that he hadn’t been falling, he’d well and truly fallen the second he’d found her in the woods.
He loved her. More than anything.
And he couldn’t believe how he’d treated her this morning. Even if he’d not been in his right mind. There was no excuse. “Please don’t be afraid of me.”
She’d talked about her father with him. How he’d terrorized and traumatized her over the years. He didn’t want to be someone who frightened or hurt her.
“You’ve taken such good care of me. You’re never mean or scary.
But honestly, this morning did frighten me.
I didn’t know what was wrong with you. I understand you can’t control your flashbacks and how you react, that you’re in soldier mode and that means in your mind it’s life or death and you need to protect yourself.
I would never hold that against you. You’ve been through enough.
But like you, I can’t help my reactions.
They’re born of the trauma I suffered, too. ”
“I’m not like him. I will prove that to you. I really haven’t had an episode in months.”
“I believe you, and I’ll be more cautious about loud noises like the blender.”
He squeezed her hand. “Please don’t leave me.”
“I’m exactly where I want to be. I will always be your safe place to fall.”
He leaned his head back against the cabinet and stared up at the ceiling. “You mean fall apart.”
Her hold on him tightened. “I fell apart on you. You showed me compassion and let me cry it out because that’s what I needed. I will give you what you need, whenever you need it.”
He wrapped her up close and buried his nose in her hair, smelling her sweet, sunshine scent. “I know. I’m sorry. I just don’t like you seeing me like this. Out of control. Out of my mind.”
“Hawk, it’s okay because I know the real you.” She went quiet and still. “And I…”
He held his breath waiting for her to finish that sentence.
“Love you. You’re the strongest person I know. Inside and out. I know you’ve worked really hard to overcome your past. It must be frustrating and disappointing to feel like it will never end. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. No matter what, I’ll be here to help you through it.”
He turned her in his arms and cupped her face in both hands. “You love me.”
She nodded despite it not being a question. “Very much. With my whole heart.” She bit her bottom lip and stared deep into his eyes, probably hoping he said it back. Her parents were horrible to her. Her little brother depended on her. Did anyone ever tell her they loved her?
“I’ve been wanting to say it for so long. I love you, too. I don’t know how it happened, but it feels like it’s always been there now.”
“I was just waiting for you, too.”