Chapter 13
Dear Mom,
I’m so angry. I don’t want to be. Not at you. But I am. Fuck, how could you leave me? This isn’t how this is supposed to go.
I miss you. So much.
I can’t stop thinking about all the things you will be missing out on—my college experience, the heart-stopping midnight phone call telling you I’ve been picked up by campus security for streaking—but you’ll forgive me because it was a drunken dare, and Johnsons don’t back down from dares.
Meeting Zach. He’s a good guy. You would’ve liked him. He would have charmed the shit out of you. You would’ve threatened him. He would’ve pretended to be scared like the gentleman he is. I think I may love him, Momma.
Something holds me back. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t give him all of me. He deserves that, a whole person. Not this broken, mismatched mess that I’ve made of myself.
My graduation. My career. The first time I get written up because I’m irresponsible and, as you like to say, “will be late to my own funeral” and have a “problem with authority”.
My wedding.
My children.
Fuck. fuck !
There was a rift between you and me. I know I caused it, but I wish you were here. I need you, Momma. I don’t know how to do this without you.
How do I move forward? How does the world continue without Amelia Johnson?
You were a bright spot in my dark world. I’m afraid, Momma. So afraid that the darkness will swallow me whole and I’ll never find my way back out.
You’ve left a huge void in my life, and nothing will fill it. I’ll always have this emptiness with me.
So here I am. Empty. Angry. Confused. Devastated. Numb.
I just miss you. So much. I love you.
-Lola