Chapter Twenty-Six
Graham
I ’m sitting at a high-top table in Aesop’s Tavern, watching Rafe chat with Lily. She’s holding what looks to be a piece of chocolate in one hand. It flails about as she wildly demonstrates whatever she’s talking to him about. All I know is that he’s laughing incredulously, and she’s got tears streaming down her face from laughing so much. The chocolate is being destroyed as they speak. I’m not jealous of Rafe, even though I wish she felt comfortable enough to be that carefree with me right now. I’m just sad that it’s not me.
We’re all at the tavern after a long day. Rafe and I worked through his upcoming tour schedule this afternoon, setting up performances at a few venues. We also scheduled some meetings we need to have the next time we are in Nashville. The warm feeling of this place pushes me to lean in to enjoy it despite the headache threatening to take me out for the past few hours.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
Sparrow’s voice pulls me from my focus on Rafe and Lily, and I force a smile. She is wearing a lovely cream dress that looks like satin and flat shoes with bows on the toes. Even though I don’t feel a bit attracted to her, she looks beautiful.
“I’ve never seen him this happy.” I gesture toward Rafe, who’s still laughing with Lily like they’ve discovered a new level of hilarity that didn’t exist before. I can feel Sparrow studying me, her eyes following my gaze, which is forever stuck on Lily.
“Thank you for being such a good friend to him,” she says sweetly. “He hasn’t had many people he can trust.”
Looking at Rafe now, it’s clear he has found his home with Sparrow and been welcomed into Birch Borough. I had hoped to find my home here too. But given Lily’s latest friend comment and her lack of protest over my potential move to Nashville, I’m curious to see how this is going to end. My eyes catch on her again because they can’t seem to do otherwise.
“She looks beautiful, doesn’t she?” Sparrow remarks quietly.
Before I can think too much about it, I hear myself respond, “Always.” I slide one thumb around the top of my glass. My other hand rests on the wooden table beneath it.
“So, are we ever going to talk about the fact that you asked me out on a train platform, of all places?”
I wince and let out a laugh. “Not my best moment, I’ll admit.” I’m surprised when Sparrow stifles a laugh too. “Although,” I continue, “to be fair, you did pretend to ignore me with earphones that weren’t even connected to your phone.”
She laughs again. At least she hasn’t held our awkward initial meeting against me. I’ve been wondering. On the contrary, Sparrow has done nothing but make me feel welcome since I arrived. I straighten in my seat, mustering the courage to tell her what I’ve been meaning to say for some time.
“Just so you know, I don’t normally ask women out like that,” I start. I turn to face her, and even though she’s taller than Lily, I still have to tilt my chin down to meet her gaze. “Actually, that was the first time I truly tried asking anyone out since . . .” I look at Lily instinctively.
As I watch her, she unwraps the chocolate in her hand and sticks it into her mouth. I love how much she loves eating sweets . . . and how they linger on her lips. I let out an unamused laugh. Chocolate may now be ruined for me for life, yet somehow, Lily finds a way to keep enjoying it. I’m not sure she could survive without it.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Sparrow says kindly.
With sadness, I grin and clear my throat. “I want to, though. I know you’re not in the dark about us anymore.”
Sparrow shrugs. “Soon after things happened between you too, I fell into a deep pit of grief as my father’s health declined. It makes sense she didn’t tell me right away. She’s an open book when it comes to her thoughts unless they’re rooted in fear or love. And it feels like whatever she had with you was deep enough that she became a vault and forgot the combination.”
I turn back toward the table, the revelation knocking me in the gut. The impact of knowing that, while I thought we were making progress, Lily didn’t own up to anything more than friendly feelings in front of her parents makes me hunch over a little, my hopes dashed on the rocks. Focusing again on Sparrow, I find the words I’ve wanted to tell her for months.
“I’m sorry that I asked you out,” I say sincerely. “Not because you aren’t a wonderful person but because of the awkwardness of it all.” I hope she hears the sincerity in my voice. If I could rewind our first meeting, I would. “I convinced myself that even if it was impossible to feel for anyone what I felt for Lily, I had to try to move on anyway. Don’t we have to try?” The question is one that has been haunting me for a long time. Shifting my weight, I take a sip of the whiskey and set it down a little too forcefully.
“Graham.” Sparrow’s hand rests gently on my shoulder. When I turn, her eyes are filled with compassion. “Do you love Lily?”
Her eyes are so sincere that I find myself willing to say the words that have been on repeat in my mind for the past two years. “I love her more than anything.”
“Hmm,” Sparrow hums, her eyes filled with heaviness.
“I’m sorry about all the awkwardness between her and me. You can trust that I’ll be completely professional during your wedding. I care about Rafe . . . and you.” I allow a playful grin back on my face.
Sparrow gives me a look that I can’t read. “The thing about being friends—and you are a friend to me now, Graham—is that you shouldn’t have to be professional. But I appreciate what you’re saying.”
“So, we’re good?” I ask after a beat of silence between us.
“We’re good,” she replies with a smile before her eyes go wide at something happening behind me.
Before I can turn around, I hear Gladys yell, “Let’s go, Hallmark Hot G!”
“How do you know about that?” I call out to her incredulously. Already, I’m moving, trying to escape.
Suddenly, her hands are pressing on my back. She must have superhuman strength because she pushes me toward another high-top table with such force that my shoes slide across the floor. Sparrow laughs, and I will Gladys’ hands to stay on my back and not wander farther down.
Jumping in front of me, she hands me a plastic container filled with what looks like two cakes stuck together with cream filling, like the cake version of a chocolate sandwich cookie.
“It’s a whoopie pie! A New England classic!”
My eyebrows shoot up, and I want to disappear into the floor immediately. I know she’s harmless, but this is not how I imagined the evening going. I know Lily must be enjoying this spectacle too much, but when I look around to find her, Rafe is now talking to Liam by the piano, and Lily is nowhere to be seen.
Gladys leans closer and speaks in a conspiratory tone. “Listen, I need to tell you something about your girl.”
“I’m not certain she would appreciate you calling her that.” The hint of bitterness in my voice is highly detectable.
“Oh, she’s as stubborn as they come, that one. Wild child. Free spirit. She’s been wrestling with the world since she could talk. She wants to go on adventures but can’t seem to figure out how to get out of her own way.”
I nod, absorbing every single one of these words that give new insight into the relationship that has been wrecking my sleep for years.
“Her heart is softer than most,” she adds like it’s a secret.
“I don’t disagree with you.”
Gladys’ hand gently touches my arm. The gesture is uncharacteristic for her. But when I stop to notice the way she’s always supporting other women in this town, it isn’t such a surprise.
“She regrets it,” she informs me.
I search her face for any hint of amusement or jest. She’s serious. Her eyes are weighted with worry as her hand lightly taps mine.
“If I had to guess, she’s sick with it. And regret can make a person hard. It can also make them angry. But really, who is it they are angry at?”
“I thought it was me.”
Gladys nods lightly. “Ahh, that would make sense. But when you make a mistake—”
“She thinks she made a mistake?” The words are out before I can stop them, hope rising in my chest with a fierceness I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. Hope comes in levels, and sometimes it’s enough to push you over the edge into action.
“Dear, you’re a smart man. You’ve done well for yourself and probably worked yourself to the bone on more than one occasion.”
Her keen insight makes me feel strangely emotional toward someone who once asked me to help her raise money to repair the gazebo by posing in suspenders . . . without a shirt.
I shake my head to wrestle it out of the image of that declined request. Unfortunately, I didn’t get out of making an appearance at one of her upcoming group art classes in the park. Rafe laughed for two minutes straight when he heard what I agreed to do.
Gladys continues, “I know about the business. Nashville. The apartment for your mom.”
“How did you . . .?” And then I give up because I honestly don’t think I want to know.
“As I was saying, sometimes, when we make a mistake, the person we can’t seem to forgive is ourselves. And it can be a hard thing when you can’t escape yourself.”
“I think I may have made a mistake.” I sigh, knowing full well that I did make a mistake, and this isn’t news. “Gladys, I . . . when I first moved to town and saw her after all that time, I told her I couldn’t do it again, the back and forth, the push and pull between us. I didn’t think my heart could do it.” I’m reeling at the unexpected honesty between us, and I’m trying to hold it together. “I didn’t tell her my plans.”
“Hmm. Good thing I have a key to the newspaper office.”
“What?” Her cryptic message makes me wonder if I’m now an accessory to a crime or a world event. It’s a toss-up question—one that she doesn’t answer.
“Let me know if you need it. Regardless, the townspeople seem to be coming around to your presence.”
The way she says it, I know there’s more to the story. “I never did find out who submitted my name to the vote at the town meeting.”
“Didn’t you? Strange.” The tone of her voice is a clear sign that nothing about this conversation tonight wasn’t premeditated. And I’m more impressed with her by the minute. No wonder Lily says that Gladys is her hero.
“Why would you do that?” My fingers grip the table, willing the answer to be a good one, even though I know that’s not how it works.
“I admit to nothing, dear. But someone had to drive your girl to admit what she’s always known. You’re good for her. And nobody gets to mess with you . . . well, besides her.”
Suddenly, Lily appears beside me, a to-go drink in her hand. My guess is that it’s a chai latte. Gladys winks as she hurries away.
Once, Lily told me that she feels as if people keep trying to get her to tame her personality down or rein it in. But maybe Birch Borough is exactly what she needs to maintain that feisty spirit, especially if Gladys’ support is any indication. I don’t want to quench her fire. I just want her to let me be warmed by it.
She lifts the cup to her rosy lips, and I lick my own before catching myself. Our eyes meet, and I feel the weight of our connection as it punches me in the gut. I’m punched every time I’m in her presence. MMA fighters have nothing on what it feels like for someone to hold your heart in their hands, even though you don’t remember giving them permission. Maybe she’s a con artist.
I have a burning interest in those lips of hers. Right now, they may be pressed against a compostable lid, but there have been moments they have brushed against my own.
“What?” she asks.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Lily.” I look at the floor, not wanting to see her intense gaze focused on me for a minute. I need to think straight. “You were right.”
“Say it again?” She crosses her arms with a smirk, her cup lightly hovering beside her elbow.
I shake my head and push down a grin of my own. “I was scared. I didn’t know if you still wanted me here or if you would change your mind.”
“I understand. We’re messy. Complicated. Challenging.” She shrugs, but there’s some heart behind it.
I wince because she isn’t wrong.
“And yet, still I dream of you,” she says.
I take in the strong set of her jaw, the lavender flecks in her eyes being overtaken by the grey, the light illuminating part of her face as she stares forward. She doesn’t dare look at me after uttering those words, but I hungrily take all of her in.
How can a woman be so feisty yet so adorable? She is wearing a cropped sweater and wide-leg jeans, all in black. She paired the look with white sneakers. The effect is utterly charming and all Lily.
“Is that honest enough for you?” Her bottom lip quivers, and my chest tightens.
If I assumed she was about to run, I was wrong. Maybe I was wrong about a lot of things. Because we can have the facts, the ones we create stories from, but we forget that other stories are present too. Facts don’t always hold all the truth. I should know this better than anyone, yet I’ve been so caught up in my emotions and trying to make sense of it all that I forgot to remember the truth.
Lily left. Fact. Lily never contacted me again. Fact. I moved to Birch Borough. Fact. I accepted a series of challenges from Lily. Fact. I could move again and find a new address. Fact. We both don’t know how to live without the other. Truth.
“I just don’t think it’s enough,” Lily says.
And that’s enough for my heart to sink. After all this time, we’re back to her being so sure and then uncertain just the same. I turn away, convinced that if I keep looking at her, I’ll do something stupid like digging for more of the truth and tearing us apart in the process.
Excavating heartache is a risky business. And I’m just not in the mood to push further tonight. But I know that her words confirm what she feels for me. They are now filed in the recesses of my mind. Soon, they’ll come to the surface again, either in a dream or the next time I eat chocolate cake.
“Well, then,” I grind the words out, “there’s nothing I can do to convince you. And I need to think.”
If I walk down this road with her again, I’m never getting off it. I want to walk it with her more than anything, but my fight-or-flight response is screaming at me with the need to clear my head. My heart is all over the place tonight.
Lily swallows and nods, her skin turning a paler color than before. “No. Gosh, I just keep messing this up, don’t I? Don’t you have a manual or something? I can’t seem to tell you . . . to make you feel . . .” Her voice trails off.
The sinking feeling in my stomach urges me not to keep waiting. I need Lily to be sure.
I couldn’t have guessed that this was the place where Lily and I would end up. If you told me this was how our story was written, I would’ve bet my whole savings account that it could never be, that we wouldn’t have gotten a second chance, or that we would’ve ended up eloping, surrounded by flowers and a preacher who doesn’t understand why we can’t even wait one more second to call each other mine .
But here we are. Sometimes, the truth truly does get swallowed in facts. Maybe my next challenge needs to be finding out more of the truth.
“Hey, are you good?” Rafe asks, coming up behind me and placing his arm on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I begin, trying to avoid eye contact with Lily before more emotion surfaces. “I’m happy for you, but I also feel like I’m losing . . .”
I can’t finish the sentence. My jaw clenches, awareness of all the things that should have been shooting through my neck, and I force down the emotion.
“It’s okay, man. I understand.” Rafe glances between Lily and me, and it’s clear that he does. He understands what’s between us, and I feel the shame of it creeping up my spine. “I’ll see you at our place?” Rafe carefully watches me, his scarred eyebrow arched.
I know that I must be the best man possible, even when I’m in pain. If it was any other night and he wasn’t so distracted and elated to be marrying Sparrow, I think he would notice the minor changes in my appearance and the way my foot taps the wooden floor impatiently. But he doesn’t. It’s Lily who will be left with the unraveling when he leaves.
As soon as Rafe disappears, Lily’s piercing grey eyes go right to my soul. I can see hers too, fighting to keep it civil between us. I know what it has to be: It’s either an all-in I love you from both of us, or it’s nothing at all.
“George, I . . .”
There she goes, not using my name again. I’ve hoped for a sign to show me she’s not ready to call it. I wasn’t expecting it to be like this, but I take note of the undertone of her voice. For a moment, we’re back at the movie theater two years ago, with enough hope between us to leap into love without having to first know the ending. We’re Graham and Lily, with honesty and confessions of love between us. So much honesty. We’re slightly younger versions of ourselves with my hands in her hair and my heart in her hands. We’re not this .
I shake my head.
“You win,” I say softly. “No arguments this time. No retractions. My—” I start, voice cracking, “my best friend . . . is getting married.” A deep breath. “And I will be there for him. For them.”
Lily nods, her eyes focusing on a spot on my chest and not my face, as if we haven’t covered more ground than this before. It’s back to a formality I once tried to uphold and preemptively ripped to shreds the second I thought she was truly choosing to come back to me.
“Oh, and I heard back about Nashville. It’s perfect, actually. For Rafe . . . and his career . . . I can make it work. A win-win.”
“Okay,” she whispers.
My breathing turns shallow. We’ve reached the part of the fight where one of us must choose to stay down. And again, it’s me.
“No more challenges,” I declare.
Lily shuts her eyes. It’s a moment I never want to remember, even though I know it will be a constant replay now.
“No more challenges,” she repeats, her tone matching the emptiness I feel.
As if I just can’t help but say something—have the final word to try to wrap up what we’ve been—I step back and struggle to get the words out. “I was happy.”
Lily’s sharp inhale makes me want to return to her, but I don’t. I must move forward with the knowledge that there are only a few more scheduled events to endure. And then our friends will be married, and I’ll be leaving, a hollow version of the man I once was but still finding ways to see the beauty. How many people know what it means to love someone so completely? I may not have run after her the first time, thinking that my distance honored her will, but I’ve loved her every second I’ve known her. And in a world that shifts like water through my hands, time seems to find ways to leak out without me wishing for it. I know I will never find it within myself to regret a single moment of the time we’ve spent together.
As I step out into the spring air, the chill at the edges of it elevating my senses, I let the sound of the nearby river calm my nerves. The lights from the restaurants along the path cause tiny orbits to hover over the surface, illuminating some of the rocks the water crashes over on this side of town. Music carries into the air, and laughter evaporates into the inky sky. A train whistle once again greets me in the distance and reminds me of how far I’ve come.
While my neck muscles are tightly coiled, and my stomach feels unsettled from the emotion of this evening, I also feel immensely proud. I’ve been fighting so hard for others to believe that I’m a good man that I didn’t realize I was always really trying to convince myself. But trying to be one doesn’t make me one.
It’s having the courage to love someone else in a way that I wish I had been loved all along. It’s being okay with not having my love returned and yet not treating her any differently. I don’t have to always feel useful. I am able to not always have the answers yet still choose to believe that, when it comes to love—while it hasn’t been what I’ve hoped for quite yet—I haven’t been overlooked. Besides, I’d rather love Lily with my whole heart than know I’ve withheld anything that I am from her. And for that, at least, I can find no fault.