Chapter Sixteen #2
After an exchange of whispers in French and a soft kiss on her cheek, he turns to us, Sparrow tucking herself under his arm with a content look on her face.
Meanwhile, Graham has perched himself on the stool beside Lily, his hand already resting on her stomach and his eyes misty.
The love in the air is palpable. I swallow back the emotion it triggers.
As sweet as the scene is, I feel like my own thoughts and life are currently in pieces.
It’s like everything has descended upon me all at once this season.
The list goes on and on. I need the sets to look extra amazing this year.
I’m actually not afraid of accomplishing that now that Jace is working on them.
But I also need the performance to go well, I need scholarships to be donated for my students, and perhaps most of all, I need to feel a reprieve from the loneliness that seems to haunt me when I’m in the middle of a room full of people.
When he returned to Birch Borough, I had a wild moment of hope that Jace could fill that void.
Perhaps he was sent to me to be my Christmas miracle.
But if he’s not able to go all in or unable to tell me the whole truth about what we are or could be to each other, I’m not sure I can risk my heart either.
As I watch my friends, I realize I don’t want their lives. I just want a love of my own. And since that fateful night eight years ago, only Jace fits my vision of an ideal man. Even if he does act like a grumpy Beast in the castle sometimes.
“Where’s your guy, Ivy?” Rafe asks kindly, with no hint of teasing in his tone.
“Oh, we’re not. Well, kind of . . . or at least, I had hoped, but I don’t know if it’s meant to be.”
Graham’s brows furrow. “If that’s true, I’m not certain Jace knows it.”
“What do you mean?” My voice emerges far breathier than I’d like, but it’s honest.
All four of my friends look at me with a mix of amusement and genuine concern.
“I’m pretty sure the man would walk through fire for you,” Lily adds.
“I thought he was the one making fires?” I retort with a grin.
“What’s this about fires?” Graham says. Lily hooks an arm around him to nestle his face near her neck. She pats his beard.
“Don’t worry, darling. I’m only encouraging young love.”
He grins and nestles into her neck with a smile, not moving, as if he could stay in her embrace for a long time and never complain. The sight makes something in me ache.
“Ivy, do you like him?” Rafe questions again, his curiosity and the hint of his French accent making him an unassuming confidant.
“Of course I do. And the truth is, we actually met years ago, before he had Emmy.” My friends focus their whole attention on me and wait for me to continue.
I love them for it. “He’s . . . different now.
” What I don’t tell them is that I’ve felt a certain kind of hollow ever since we missed our chance all those years ago.
Lily reaches for my hand and holds it tight, while Sparrow puts a gingerbread croissant on a plate and slides it toward me. I nod my thanks and start to pick at it.
“He did tell me he wants to see me leading up to Christmas, but that’s where it’s probably going to end if he follows through on his plans to move away.
And I know he’s holding back. There’s this sense of relearning each other while learning about each other for the first time.
” I’m trying to believe that, because of Jace’s genuineness and goodness, there’s a chance for us.
But I’m also having to push myself to believe in possibilities again at all.
Sparrow’s eyes widen as Rafe tilts his head. “Poetic, that,” he says with an appreciative nod.
Graham speaks for the first time. “I can tell you from experience that a broken heart changes us—or, at the very least, makes us feel like we can’t be the best version of ourselves.
” He’s sitting, shoulders back, with his arm around Lily’s waist. His wife leans into him, putting her forehead against his face.
“I love you,” she says with conviction. When she pulls back to look at him, a smile passes between the two of them.
“Ivy, you must know Jace is still interested in you.” Rafe is now eating a maple croissant, waving it in the air in between bites. “He kept looking at you at the parade.”
“And during the town meeting last week,” Sparrow adds.
“And near the studio. The other day, I saw him hovering just outside the door, looking as if he was debating going in or not,” Graham interjects, his law skills and deductive reasoning rising to the surface.
“Well, his daughter is my student.” The words are true, but I’m hoping there’s more to it all.
“Oh, please, his daughter may be your student, but that man looks like he’d punch through walls for a real shot with you.
” Lily smirks, rubbing a hand over her round stomach.
Laughter fills the bakery. “Did you ever think that maybe you’re so worried about being enough to convince Jace to stay that you’re not seeing he’s worried that he’s not enough for you at all? ”
“She’s not wrong. And, believe me, I know what it’s like to feel like your skin is stretched too tight because of how much you want to hold someone and won’t let yourself have what you most desire for reasons you don’t even understand.
” This comes from Rafe, who is ever the songwriter.
I can imagine his words will work their way into a lyric someday soon, if not for himself, then for the artists he works with these days.
“I’m not saying no to him, believe me,” I protest. “When we first met, it felt like time and space . . . stopped. But then he left my life, through no fault of his own—though I didn’t know that!
So, I was mad and hurt, of course.” I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself.
“He’s different these days. Life has altered him.
I know it’s not realistic to hold someone to a past version of themselves, and maybe we just need time to learn the current versions of ourselves.
But Jace is supposed to leave . . . before Christmas!
Selfishly, I want him to choose to be here.
Still, I can honestly say that no matter what happens, I just want him to be happy. ”
My rant ends breathlessly, and my friends murmur words of comfort and advice. As I finish speaking, the clock on the wall with a sparrow hovering over one of the hands strikes three o’clock. As if on cue, the door to the café swings open.
Jace enters with Emmy by his side, her nose pink and her cheeks flushed.
“Miss Ivy!” Emmy exclaims.
Instantly, I have the urge to wrap her in my arms, but when my gaze moves up to Jace, my thoughts halt.
He’s looking at me with such intensity and appreciation that I have to grab onto the edge of the counter to keep my balance.
We were going to see each other at my studio during rehearsals tomorrow, so this is a welcome bonus.
When Graham is the first to stand and extend a hand, Jace breaks eye contact with me and shakes his hand. Rafe is the next to move around the counter, and Sparrow springs into action, putting macarons and madeleines on a plate.
Lily looks at me with a smirk. “Take it from me, Ives,” she whispers, rubbing her stomach as she watches the scene unfold.
Already, Emmy has crumbs across her face as she reaches up to the counter again, Sparrow’s hands extending toward her with another madeleine.
Lily continues in a low tone. “Don’t believe the lie that love is too good for you or for Jace.
We’re all worthy of true love, and the right one will stay.
He’ll hold you and won’t let you go.” A tear slips across her cheek, and she wipes it away with the back of her hand.
“I blame this little cruffin for these hormones.” She points to her stomach.
I hug her from the side, drawing her as close as possible. “Thank you for that.”
Lily rolls her eyes, wiping another tear as she watches Graham with Emmy. The little girl is now in his arms as she feeds him a macaron.
I laugh and stand. “Such a softie,” I whisper in her ear before walking to Jace. He’s watching my friends with a look of curious hesitation.
“Are you okay?” I ask, his demeanor not boding well for my heart.
“I don’t know if I’m ready, Ivy.”
The wariness in his gaze lands like a weight in my gut. He used my first name, which is not a good sign. “You don’t know if you’re ready for what?” I lower my voice. “For us?”
He sighs. “I promise I’m not being double-minded.
I want to try with you. That hasn’t changed.
It’s actually never changed.” Jace looks from one happy couple to the other.
“But as much as I like what I know of your friends, I’m not like them.
It’s evident how freely they give of their love, and .
. .” His sigh makes me ache. “I just keep thinking of what I’ve lost instead of what I can give you. ”
“Jace, I don’t want you to be like them,” I whisper.
He swallows, tracking Emmy. His daughter is now perched on the counter, held in place by Sparrow. They’re both clapping as Rafe sings a Christmas carol in front of them. He’s holding his guitar that just somehow mysteriously appeared in his hands.
“What happened, Jace?” I turn back to him. “What’s the lie you can’t let go of?”
His eyes darken at the truth I’ve uncovered. “It’s a simple story . . . and still so hard to say.”
I shake my shoulders and weigh my options. “You owe me two answers, then,” I say into the space between us, and his brow furrows. “In addition to your question of ‘What do you want to be known for?’ I’m adding the one I just asked. But you have to answer them in your own time. I won’t force you.”
I decide to leave it at that and give him space. Partially because I sense he needs it. And partially because I need clarity too.
He nods. “Thank you, Ivy.”
I’m grateful for the opportunity to chat with my friends before he walked in here this afternoon.
Some people are worth the glimmer of what’s beneath, not because it represents their potential but because that glimmer is indicative of who they really are.
I’ve seen that spark in Jace. And I have to believe that he’ll find his way to the words he needs to say.
“Have you tried a maple croissant yet?” I ask him, changing my tone to a happier one.
“I haven’t yet. I’m more of a cinnamon roll kind of guy.” He grins, and something lifts between us.
I settle in once again to the happiness around us. “Hmm, well, they have those too. They’ll only be here for the week before New Year’s.”
“Maybe you’ll save one for me, Starlight?” The question is spoken with a gritty edge. I want to pull him closer.
“Will you be here?” The words slip out before I can rein them in or think them through. I know he already told me that he and Emmy are supposed to be in Florida before then.
Jace’s hand brushes against my own in reply. I wrap my fingers around his, the warmth of his hand pulsing through my system. “I want to be,” he says softly.
And his honesty is what wills my heart to let go, to imagine what could be possible. “Then I’ll make sure they save us some, just in case.”