Chapter 10
HeyElla. i jus got ur letter x
He then texts again: it’s Lowe
Like I didn’t already know. Like I wasn’t begging for this day to come.
Rapid, we move from texting to speaking on the house phone and the hours rush by like seconds. I am floating in space. He has a cordless phone; he moves around on it loads, like even into the garden. I wish we had a cordless phone. We have two phones for one landline, both with their own issues. The upstairs one is bright yellow and more reliable and better because I can phone Lowe in private, but it’s annoying too because it’s harder to tell when Violet and Sonny pick up the phone and listen in on my conversations. I could be midway through opening up about how much I wish I didn’t have red bobbles on my arms to Aoife, only to hear my sister honk down the line, ‘What you gonna do about the red bobbles on your bum?’ The other phone is in the living room where everyone can hear you.
On the landline we talk about music. He talks about his dreams of being in a band. I tell him about the books I’m reading. I read him poems and he actually listens.
Bianca calls me up and guilt casts its ugly shadow once again. She wants to know why Lowe isn’t asking her to be his girlfriend. What’s wrong with him? (She never considers that it’s something she could do herself, or that it’s anything to do with her.) ‘He’s such a dickhead,’ she says. ‘Why’s he being so slow for? I could have anyone.’ And then she says, ‘Can you talk to him for me?’
I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to be sneaky or two-faced.
‘So … ’ I begin, dutifully, ‘how do you feel about Bianca?’
‘Errrm.’ I can tell he’s blushing. He speaks close into the mouthpiece; his voice makes my hairs stand on end and my body do a wobbly, like when someone’s treading over your grave.
‘What?’ I giggle. My teeth are dry from smiling so hard, like I’ve dissolved a powdery calcium vitamin on my tongue. The wire between us is alive. We hold on so tight. I push the phone to my ear so hard it gets all hot and my wrist cramps but it’s worth it. I don’t want to miss anything he has to say.
‘What yourself.’ He laughs back, so warm like hot fudge sauce, sliding down the walls of my house. ‘I do like her. It’s just … I dunno … ’ He hesitates, looming. ‘What do you think?’
What do I think?
This could be my chance. Surely he’s passing the ball over to me? He’s giving me an opportunity here to say something. To take it all back. To start again and say how I feel. Or simply be a manipulative bitch and fuck it all up by backstabbing Bianca. But I can’t. She’s my mate. And also. I just can’t. I’m too afraid.
Dad picks up the downstairs phone suddenly, acting like it’s not one tiny bit weird that I’m now having an INTIMATE three-way call with him and the love of my life. Not even to call anybody but to just talk to me. ‘Do you know what time your mum’s back?’
‘DAD! I’m on the phone!’
‘You’re always on the phone, Ella. It’s the only place I can speak to you! Now get OFF it so I can find your bloody mum!’
And he slams the phone back down in its cradle.
‘Um. Sorry about that.’ I am BURNING. ‘I better go … but about you and Bianca.’ I stagger, ‘I think you’re both great,’ which is true. I leave out the bit where I say: Just not together. Because that kills me.
‘K,’ he says. ‘That’s not really what I … but K.’
‘K.’
‘K.’