18. Chapter 18
Chapter 18
Emily
I was speechless, mainly because it took everything within me to hold off blurting out my answer. Despite my gut screaming at me to go for it, I held back. I absolutely wanted more with Ryan, but I still had concerns.
My apprehension to date Ryan didn’t disappear because he was a fantastic kisser, one I happened to want to kiss again and again. There were things I wanted to figure out first. Mainly, how I’d like to keep the entire thing a close friends or family only secret for now. I didn’t want the town doing to us what they did before. My ex left town, not because of the rumors or pressure, but because his job here was over, but I suffered the pitiful looks and rumors over being the reason, yet again, why a man left this town.
Ryan wouldn’t be leaving town, and if the town pulled its shit again, it was going to make the entire situation painful. I’d rather have the chance to test out being in a relationship, and give us an opportunity to get to know each other. It would avoid any possible pain and keep everyone else’s opinions or pressure out of our decisions.
Glancing down at the grocery bags in my hand, I thanked the universe I hadn’t bought anything in glass jars after dropping them. Turning, I failed to hide the smile creeping up on me and headed toward my apartment.
I’d had a crush on Ryan for some time now, and I wanted to pursue it, but dating in a small town meant everyone was involved in the relationship. They’d overhear half a story and make up their own conclusions, or they’d see a couple having a conversation and suddenly it was a full blown domestic disturbance. If someone didn’t like the pairing, for whatever reason, the couple might spend an awful lot of time defending their relationship.
Who I dated and what we did shouldn’t be anybody else’s business, but they’d sure as hell try to make it their business. I needed to make sure Ryan was prepared for dealing with being the hot topic of conversation.
Would I let myself pass up an opportunity to date someone I had a lot in common with, and genuinely enjoyed his company, simply because of what other people might say? No, of course I wouldn’t. But Ryan wasn’t from here, and I wanted to hash out a few of these things before we agreed to dating.
I could talk to Meghan about it, but I didn’t want to risk an accidental slip while she was gabbing with other people. She’d never do it intentionally, and most of the time was a vault, but I also didn’t want her trying to meddle in the possibility of Ryan and I anymore than the suspicious glances she’d shoot in our direction.
After entering my apartment and putting away my groceries, I dropped down on my sofa and pulled out my phone. There was one person who I could talk to about this without anyone else in the town finding out because she always avoided speaking to anyone here.
“Hey,” Poppy answered.
“Hey, so I have an issue, and I need to talk it through.”
“Okay?” Poppy’s voice turned concerned.
“You know I hate being the center of attention and gossip. There is this guy I really like, and he likes me, but I’m afraid if people in town find out, they’ll ruin a potentially good thing. Am I making too much out of this?”
Poppy sighed, “You can’t let a few assholes you aren’t even friends with stop you from living your life.”
“I know that, but I hate the whispering and having people butting into business that is none of their concern. I don’t want to deal with it, I’ve got enough on my plate with the release and finishing up my current series.”
“Emily, I know it goes against your nature of keeping the peace, but at some point you have to say fuck it and tell people to mind their own business. If you like this guy and he likes you, fuck the town and what they think. You already hide your career because of what the church people would think. Stop hiding yourself away. Don’t let them take your sparkle.”
Poppy was right. Was I actually going to let this town destroy something with potential? How long was I going to hide away for fear of the attention they’d put on me?
“Thank you, Poppy.”
“Anytime.” Poppy replied before we dove into normal conversations about our lives.
While she talked about her husband and her work, I let her previous words sink in. I needed to learn to not care what anyone would think or say. Those closest to me knew the truth and that was what actually mattered.
The next morning, I woke up, showered, put a little more effort into my appearance, ate breakfast, and started my walk toward the library. My stomach filled with butterflies as I got closer to my destination and the conversation I’d have with Ryan.
As I reached the library’s small parking lot, I paused in my steps for a second. Taking a few deep breaths, I tried to calm my racing heart and the nerves bubbling in my gut. He liked me, he wanted to try being more, I had nothing to be nervous about.
Restarting my steps, I walked across the lot and up to the library doors. Opening them, I took a deep breath in preparation to greet Ryan. Stepping into the entrance hall, my eyes went to the desk and …
“Good morning, Emily,” Ms. Jones smiled from behind the desk.
“Good morning, Ms. Jones.” I replied with a smile as disappointment settled in me over the absence of Ryan’s smile.
“Honestly, you’ve been out of highschool for years now. You can call me Betsy.”
Letting out a soft laugh, I said, “No ma’am, you’ll always be the wonderful Ms. Jones, my favorite teacher.”
Ms. Jones laughed as I began walking through the entryway toward the library and the study rooms. I wasn’t lying, she was my favorite teacher in school. She was my biggest supporter with my creative writing. She edited my very first unpublished book and then told me to never give up my writing dreams.
I wished I could tell her I did become an author, and I do well for myself. Except, with the types of books I wrote, I didn’t want anyone else finding out. Her being a part of the gossip brigade meant the whole town would find out. It would be just one more thing the founding families could sneer or shame me about.
Setting up in the study room, I sat down at the table. Maybe Ryan was in the office or running late? He’d eventually make an appearance. He lived and breathed this library.
For the next few hours, I typed away at my story only glancing out of the window into the library a few … hundred times. My eyes searched for him, but he never showed up. I even worked well past six, hoping maybe he was coming in to work the evening shift. When my stomach growled loudly, I slouched and gave up the hope I’d see him today.
Packing up my things, I grew nervous again as I wondered if maybe he was having reservations and didn’t want to risk facing me. Maybe he wanted me to tell him yes right away and was hiding, scared I might reject him. He did tell me to think about it and put the “ball in my court,” so he was probably anxiously awaiting my decision. Maybe something happened and he needed to leave town for the day.
Placing the strap of my laptop bag on my shoulder, I walked out of the study room and toward the front. Unsurprisingly, Ms. Jones was still sitting at the front desk.
“He had the city council meeting to attend. He’ll be in tomorrow,” Ms. Jones stated, her eyes not leaving the computer screen.
“I’m sorry, who?” I asked, at first unsure she was even talking to me.
Her head turned to me as she smiled, “Ryan, silly.”
“Oh, I-- I wasn’t,” I started but Ms. Jones waved her hand at me.
“Save it. I’m forbidden from speaking about any of it anyway. I was told to mind my business, and I will. I only thought you might like to know where he was all day,” she said with a smile at the end.
“Okay?” I said, trying to play it cool.
I was grateful she let me know where he was, but wondered who had forbidden her from speaking about Ryan and me. I had meant to attend the council meeting but forgot after Ryan’s proclamation yesterday. At least I knew he wasn’t avoiding me.
Turning back to the door, I paused again when she asked, “Oh, will you wake up Neil? He’s been on that bench all day.”
“I got him,” I said and continued walking toward the door.
Walking through, I spotted Neil on the bench outside, snoring away. His white hair was disheveled, as usual, but he wore a sky blue button down shirt with a navy spring jacket and jeans.
Placing my hand on his shoulder, I gave him a slight shake.
“Huh, what?” Neil said.
“Hey Neil, do you need me to walk you home?” I asked.
“Ah, little Emily Brown. No, no, I’ll be fine. Just got to get my legs moving,” Neil grumbled.
“Okay Neil, straight home with you. Don’t fall asleep somewhere else. We might be getting a bit chilly tonight,” I insisted, and he smiled at me and nodded as he began stretching out his legs.
Hiking my bag up my shoulder, I began walking toward home. Thoughts of Ryan filled my brain again and I began to worry over the city council meeting. I hoped he managed to argue to keep all the funding the library needed.
Arriving back at my apartment, I settled in for the night, hoping tomorrow I’d get a chance to talk to Ryan. Hopefully, whatever happened today wouldn’t change his opinions on a relationship with me.