33. Chapter 33
Chapter 33
Ryan
I didn’t want to walk out of her apartment, but the tone in her voice told me the argument was done. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Nick was sitting with her, and before I figured out what I was doing, I was acting like one of the main male characters in her books.
He was trying to steal her from me, and I wasn’t going to let it happen, so I kissed her in front of half the town. I gripped her face and kissed her like she was the air I breathed and the only source for it.
When the whispers from nearby tables hit my ears, the feeling that I’d fucked up hit my gut. Even at that moment, I couldn’t be sorry about it. I wanted everyone to know, and maybe a part of me hoped pushing her was the answer.
Oh god, I’m an asshole.
As I left Emily’s apartment the ick came over me. Shame filled me for what I’d done. I went about the whole situation the wrong way. She could handle herself and instead of letting her explain to Nick that she wasn’t interested in starting up anything with him, I let my insecurities take hold. I claimed her like a damn caveman, and unlike in the books she reads and writes, that isn’t what she wanted.
I had wanted to talk to her about our relationship. I wanted to tell her it didn’t matter if we saved the library or not, because I’d find a way to stay here in Maple Creek. I’d find a way to stay for her.
Hell, I’d even go work with Trey, if it meant I got to go home to her every night. Except, I’d fucked that. Instead of telling her, I went and forced her to acknowledge our relationship publicly. Then I went and basically told her she could save the library.
Oh my god! Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Getting in my car, I ignored the staring pedestrians and the hushed words coming out of their mouths. I didn’t care about the gossip. I wanted Emily, and I fucked it all up.
Driving home, my emotions went from shame right back to anger. I tried to communicate my desires to go public with our relationship for months. We obviously worked, hell she even had some clothes and a couple of books at my place. Why would she push me away?
It was bound to come out at some point. She wouldn’t have been able to hide what we were forever. Why did she feel so adamant about hiding our feelings for each other? What the hell happened?
What the hell was this woman doing to me? I shouldn’t feel intimidated by someone she, herself, had said didn’t mean anything to her. But here I was letting my old shit come back to haunt me.
In highschool, I had a girlfriend I thought I loved who, basically, tore my heart out. She wanted to date in secret, but she was using me to help with her school work. I was the geeky kid who was on the heavy side, and she was beautiful and popular. She was nice, too. Like, she never made fun of anyone or bullied, and in fact stood up to people who would bully others. But then, I asked her to prom. She had told me Trip Nelson, the quarterback and prom king, had already asked her, and she said yes. Steph was crowned prom queen. It all felt so “Pretty in Pink” or whatever old teen movie that was.
I may not have healed entirely from stupid high school bull shit, because seeing Emily there with Nick, all those same feelings came roaring back. But this time, I was absolutely in love with her, and I wasn’t going to give up so easily.
Pulling into my driveway, I got out of the car and walked into my townhome. Tossing my keys on the entryway table, I dropped down to the sofa and laid down. Throwing my arm over my eyes, I groaned out.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
I needed to apologize to Emily, and hopefully we could make this right. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I pulled up our messages.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m an ass. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Old pains and bullshit reared their ugly head and it was unfair. Maybe we could sit down and discuss this?
I waited patiently for her to respond. Seeing the checkmark on the message, then the three bubbles as they moved and stopped, disappeared, then popped back up a few times before finally her response came through.
Emily: I need a little bit of time. Meghan will handle the festival with you and after the stress of that is over, maybe we can see where we land.
My heart sank. The festival was a couple weeks away, and I didn’t know if I could deal with not seeing her for so long. But after the stunt I pulled this morning, I didn’t have much choice. She needed to know I’d respect her request.
Me: Okay, I understand.
Sending the message was like cutting a hole in my chest and squeezing my heart. It hurt. Every instinct I had was telling me to fight harder for her, but it wasn’t what she needed right now. She needed to know she was safe to figure things out for herself. I only wished I could explain things to her.
My doorbell rang several times and I jumped up from the sofa before flinging open the door. My hope that it was Emily was crushed when my friends stood where I hoped she’d be. Seeing the box of pizza in Levi’s hand, and the case of beer in Preston’s, told me all I needed to know. News had spread.
“I hear congratulations are in order,” Trey said with a smile, but it faltered upon seeing my expression.
“Or not?” Preston said.
I groaned and turned away from the door, going back to the couch and collapsing onto it.
“I fucked up,” I said as my friends moved into the house and took their places.
“How the hell did you fuck it up that quickly?” Levi asked.
Trey grabbed plates from the kitchen and they began serving up pizza, Preston passed out beers, and I explained everything from this morning - how I stupidly let the caveman part of me show up to claim Emily as mine in front of half the town and without her acceptance or knowledge of it.
“I don’t see where you were totally in the wrong. You’ve been wanting to go public basically from the moment you two started dating. I didn’t get why you two were continuing to hide everything when you obviously work,” Trey said.
“She’s afraid that if I can’t save the library, I’ll have to leave town to find work,” I explained.
“Okay? But you aren’t planning on doing that,” Levi stated.
“I was, but not anymore. I want to stay for her. Hell if it comes down to it, I’ll take Trey up on his offer and start working with him.”
“Have you told her that?” Preston asked.
“No, I meant to this morning, but then Nick happened and all my good intentions for a conversation went flying out the window. All I could think of to do was kiss her in front of half the town in order to get him to back off without me punching him in the face for simply existing in her presence.”
“Damn man. You’ve got it bad,” Preston murmured.
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“So have you tried talking to her since this morning?” Trey asked.
“I texted her with my lame excuse about past issues of mine rearing their ugly head and asking to talk about it. She responded, saying she wanted to wait until after the festival to see me.”
“Ouch.”
“Can one of you explain to me why she is this way about public attention?” I asked.
“Nope,” Levi said, and Trey shook his head. “What we know is there were a lot of nasty rumors about her around senior year of high school. We don’t even know the truth of it, but we can guess it was a bunch of lies. The only thing we can say is half the town believed the lies, and over time it died down. But every time she and a guy started or stopped dating, the town brought those lies back up along with a few other shitty statements.”
“And you won’t even tell me what the town says?”
This time Trey answered, “While harmless gossip helps to break up the mundane life of small town living, we will not spread lies, even in an explanation. She should be the one to tell you what happened, because only she knows the full truth. Though, I’m pretty sure Meghan knows the truth too, since they were somewhat close back then, too.”
“Great,” I muttered, already knowing the chances of Meghan sharing her knowledge was slim to none.
After a few minutes of silence where I mentally beat myself up for fucking this up, Trey asked, “So how likely is it you’ll end up working for me?”
“Right now it looks like we will bring in enough to keep the doors open for six months.”
“But staying open for at least six more months may give you enough time to find a solution,” Preston encouraged.
“Yes, but it’s been hell on my stress levels. At some point, I’m going to have to consider when it’s time to stop fighting.”
And that was the truth. I didn’t want to let anyone down, but if it wasn’t meant to happen, it wouldn’t, and fighting it wasn’t going to actually help anyone at all. All I needed to do was figure out when enough was enough.