Chapter 12 #2
He looked away. “I realize that, but apparently, the world doesn’t.
And it judges me every damn second of the day.
” He took a deep breath. “I know you’re probably right, that I’ve become too rigorous and unyielding.
That I only care about myself and don’t consider others enough, and that I don’t try hard enough to prove to others that I’m not an asshole.
But why the hell should I? They'll think whatever they want, anyway. Why do I have to explain to them how much I’ve given up, how little I’ve slept, and how hard I’ve worked just so they’ll let me enjoy my wealth?
Why do I have to prove to them that I’m not a bad person?
Why do I have to prove to everyone who I am and that it’s fucking okay! ”
“You don’t have to,” she said, puzzled. “Honestly, I don’t understand this whole conversation. I mean, since when do you care what other people think of you?”
“Since you said you weren’t sure if I’d ever judged you, Hazel.”
Shocked, she opened her mouth, and her heart skipped a beat. He’d been thinking about their conversation all week? “I… I’m sorry,” she said, perplexed, wringing her hands anxiously. “I didn’t think my words would…”
“You were wrong,” he interrupted sharply, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his legs. He rubbed his hands together just as nervously as she did.
She swallowed. “I honestly believed that you didn’t care what people thought.”
“You are not people,” he said quietly.
Her stomach fluttered, and she couldn’t help but look at his profile. His tense jaw. His sincere eyes. He meant every word.
“Gareth,” she whispered, astonished. “I’ve been insulting you for years.”
He shook his head. “Not really, Hazel. I know you. You have to bark to defend your position every day because, otherwise, the industry would swallow you whole. I understand. But…otherwise, you remain superficial. You only hurt egos, not feelings.”
Her heart rate quickened.
She had hurt his feelings?
She’d never realized she had the power to do so. Or had ever had that power. She’d broken up with him after the most intense relationship of her life — and all he’d said was okay, damn it!
“I didn’t know you’d take my words to heart,” she murmured. “I no longer believe that you ever judged me at all, okay? It’s just…”
“What?” he asked urgently, and when she met his gaze, goosebumps scurried down her neck. She rubbed her hand over it, bumping her elbow against his shoulder, and flinching at the contact. She was too aware of her every move. When had this enormous couch become so small?
“I once thought I knew you better than anyone, Gareth,” she whispered, not knowing if the dim light made her brave or if she couldn’t help but comply with Gareth’s silent invitation to finally lay her cards on the table.
“I thought you could never hurt me. At least not intentionally. I thought you meant it when you wished me the best when we parted ways. That you wouldn’t hold it against me. ”
She heard Gareth swallow, but he didn’t interrupt. He kept his gaze locked with hers, his blue eyes shining brightly, his knee gently bumping against hers as he continued to turn toward her, as if he didn’t want to miss a single word she said.
She took a deep breath, inhaling the tangy scent of potting soil and Gareth, and immediately regretted it. It didn’t help clear her mind. “And then I arrived in L.A…and couldn’t understand why you made my job search so hellish.”
“I never understood why you applied at the Hawks in the first place,” he replied quietly. “You knew I’d eventually take over. You knew I was working there, so why…?”
She bit her trembling lower lip, her palms moistening. “Yes, Gare, of course I knew,” she whispered, her voice higher than a minute ago. “So why do you think I applied there?”
Gareth opened his mouth, perplexed. “You…wanted to work with me? Willingly?”
“I always loved working with you!” She tugged at the hem of her skirt.
“Learning with you, debating with you...you made me better. I always thought I challenged you in the best way! We were a damn good team. Not to mention that you made college bearable for me! So, yeah — is it so weird that I wanted to work with you?”
Her throat constricted. She hadn’t just wanted to work with him. She’d also naively hoped that…that maybe…
“So,” she continued breathlessly. “If it wasn’t out of spite, why did you tell your dad to reject me?”
Gareth looked at her. He scanned her features carefully, revealing no emotion of his own.
But when he spoke, his voice was soft and cautious, like she’d never heard it before.
It sounded as if he were afraid of hurting her with his tone alone.
“I didn’t want you in Los Angeles, Hazel,” he whispered.
Her eyes burned. “Why not?”
“Because I could breathe more freely when you lived on the other side of the country. Because I could ignore you better and pretend I’d forgotten you,” he whispered, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he smoothed his tie with his thumb and forefinger.
“But then suddenly you were here…wanting to work at the same company as me, and apparently, making it impossible for me to lead a normal life.” He closed his eyes for a second and ran a hand through his hair.
Hazel could have sworn his fingers were trembling.
“I saw you in the hallway, Hazel. On the way to your interview. I saw you after three damn years and…my world stopped turning. My body wasn’t listening to me anymore — it was listening to you. ”
Hazel’s heart skipped a beat, and heat swirled in her chest.
“It was like the first time I saw you in the lecture hall, and…I simply couldn’t afford to have you work for the Hawks.
I worked my whole life to take over the team and become the best damn general manager the NHL had ever seen…
and then you stood in the hallway, and all I could think was: Fuck, no!
I can’t run into you every day and be angry at you for stringing me along for months and then cutting me off from one day to the next without much explanation — and still want you.
Still. Even if it was just your damn body.
I would have ruined everything I had worked so hard for if I had walked around work every day thinking about what it would be like to drag you into the nearest office and fuck you against the wall.
Wondering if you’d say yes if I asked you to ride me on my damn desk chair.
Just because I couldn’t get rid of the fucking memory of you and your taste and how damn good it was.
I couldn’t let you work for the Hawks or any other company I regularly dealt with. I wasn’t a fucking masochist.”
Hazel’s breathing grew shallow and a sweet, unwelcome heaviness sank into her abdomen.
His words echoed far too loudly in her head…
and she wished he’d kept them to himself.
In that moment, she hated Gareth for making her feel this way.
His words made her angry, yet still felt like hot fingers slipping under her blouse, drawing circles on her skin, leaving heat everywhere she didn’t need it.
She hated that his pupils dilated and that his knee burned a hole in her tights where he touched her.
That a small voice in her head whispered that she would have said yes to everything he’d just said if he’d only asked because she was so damn weak around him.
“So, no,” he added in a low voice, as if they were discussing the weather. “I didn’t ruin your job hunt out of spite; I did it out of self-preservation. It was…”
“Stop,” she breathed, shaking her head. She tried to breathe deeper, to calm her heartbeat. “Stop talking.”
She couldn’t bear what he was saying, how her body reacted, yearning for more. How memory after memory of his every touch forced itself into her mind.
Gareth’s gaze slid over her lips, down her neck, to the button placket of her blouse. “You asked.”
Hazel pressed her thighs together, searching for the friction his gaze couldn’t give her, and hated that she was doing it.
She should know better! “Gareth, you practically just told me that you’ve been punishing me for years because the sex between us was too damn good,” she said coolly.
“That it upsets you that I take away your control.” She had to fight.
..everything that was happening: the tingling in her abdomen, the shimmering heat that filled the room, the sharp pulling in her chest, and the wetness gathering between her legs.
From his words, looks, and presence alone.
“That was years ago, Hazel,” he said roughly, peering into her eyes. “These days, I only punish you for the things that come out of your mouth.”
“Oh, yeah?” she replied much too hoarsely.
“So that’s it? There’s nothing left between us?
The last few years have washed everything away?
You want nothing more from me than a signature on your contracts?
You’re not deliberately cold and mean to me because you hate me for triggering unwanted images in your mind?
You’re not just thinking about the words that come out of my mouth, but also about everything I used to do with it? ”
Gareth didn’t answer, but she heard his breath quicken and saw his gaze flicker to her mouth. Just for a second. But her lips burned as if he were pressing a match against them.
“I don’t particularly like you, Hazel,” he murmured. “You make my life so incredibly stressful.”
“Ditto. But that wasn’t my question. Because if your real problem isn’t my gummy bear clause, but…” She trailed off, unable to say it. She felt like she was playing with a fire she could barely control. “God.” She shook her head sharply. “How can I be any angrier with you?”
“Tell me something I don't know.”
“How can you say those things, playing mind games with me…”
“Shut up, Hazel,” he growled. “I don’t play games. You wanted honesty, but now you’re complaining that I gave it to you.”