Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Social conduct for hate-free inter-colleague teamwork
Short: SCHIT
Physical contact is not prohibited – but it is strongly discouraged.
Additional Clause X-1:
Physical favors are encouraged – and they are subject to absolute secrecy.
Thanks for your service, Gareth.
Gareth chuckled softly as he stopped at a traffic light.
Honestly, he wasn’t sure he was fit to drive. He hadn’t been drinking, but the whole evening had been so insane that maybe someone had slipped him something without his knowledge.
Maybe he’d inhaled too much potting soil, although the only thing left on him was Hazel.
What the hell was wrong with him?
He’d fought his attraction to Hazel for years, only to throw all caution to the wind after a single conversation?
That wasn’t him. He didn’t give up control willingly. He didn’t let words, smiles, or sighs get to him – and he certainly didn’t abandon his damned life plan on a whim.
Lacey had been his plan! And before he knew what he was doing, he’d explained to her over the phone that they weren’t working.
She hadn’t even been surprised when he’d broken up with her.
She’d just laughed and remarked: Our schedules really were a nightmare, weren’t they?
Thanks for your honesty, Gareth. I wish you the best.
She hadn’t blamed him. She hadn’t been angry, loud, or abusive. Because she was the damn perfect woman — the one he’d thrown away just to hear Hazel moan in his ear one more time.
Someone behind him honked, and he glanced up, seeing the green light.
Shit. He accelerated, laughing dryly at himself because it hadn’t felt bad to break up with Lacey. It had been a relief, and he didn’t regret it, nor did he regret the rest of the evening. Shit, he hadn’t felt this good since… God, he didn’t remember when!
At the same time, a black weight was growing in his chest, rolling restlessly from left to right. It was as if he could see the ominous storm on the horizon, yet couldn’t stop himself from heading straight into it.
Everything was good and bad at the same time and so fucking confusing.
So many feelings raged inside him – feelings he couldn’t make sense of. Feelings he didn’t want to interpret, didn’t want to have, and didn’t want to understand. One felt like ecstasy, and the other like panic. What the hell?
God. Everything seemed so gray to him, even though he’d tried so hard to keep his life as black and white as possible.
He didn’t know what he was doing. What he wanted.
What he felt. What he should feel. What was happening to his mind because it seemed like several synapses had burned out tonight, especially in the most important part of his brain: the control center.
God, he needed help. He was going crazy. And it was all because of feelings.
He only knew one person who could handle this kind of crap well – and it wasn’t Penny.
“It’s 2:30 a.m., Gareth! What the hell?” Cian snapped, shaking his head in disbelief. “I thought the police were at the door to tell me that Ada was found dead in a ditch.”
Gareth opened his mouth and immediately closed it again. “Fuck,” he muttered, running his hand through his short hair. “I…forgot it was the middle of the night. Sorry. I…oh, fuck.” He rubbed his face with both hands and shook his head again. “Sorry, I…”
He started to turn, but a hand landed on his shoulder, stopping him. “You forgot?” Cian echoed, confused.
“Just for a moment.” So much had happened that it seemed ridiculous that it wasn’t daylight yet. “I’m sorry.”
Cian looked at him, perplexed. “Did you just apologize for the third time in a minute? Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I feel great and shitty at the same time. Does that make sense?”
His friend’s eyebrows shot up. “Nope.”
He’d been afraid of that.
“Did something happen, Gareth?” Cian asked earnestly, looking at his face with concern.
“The last time you were at my door in the middle of the night was when Ada wouldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t hold her and google how to fasten a cloth diaper properly because I didn’t have any other clean ones. ”
Yes, that had been the night Cian’s ex left. He remembered.
“Yeah, something happened,” he mumbled. “I broke up with Lacey.”
Cian nodded slowly, then stepped aside and waved him in. “I’ll get you a drink.”
“I have to drive.”
Cian snorted. “Like I’d let you drive in your condition. Lie on the living room floor, but be quiet, Ada’s asleep.”
He blinked. “I should lie down?”
“Yes. On the hardwood floor, not the carpet. It always helps me when I panic.”
“I’m not….”
“Tell that to your face, Gareth.” Cian looked at him with pity before closing the front door and heading into the kitchen.
Gareth entered the living room through the hallway and lay on the hardwood floor. He would have to trust Cian — after all, he’d done more absurd things today.
Like kneeling between Hazel’s legs and finishing what she’d started. Because of him.
He swallowed, his chest simultaneously tightening and expanding — and breathed a sigh of relief when Cian crouched in front of him holding a drink in front of his face.
He lifted his head from the floor, downed the whiskey, and handed the glass back to his friend. Cian refilled it, placed it on the coffee table, and sat on the floor next to Gareth, his back against the couch.
“Tell me what happened, and take your time,” he said calmly.
God, he was that kind of dad. And, irritatingly enough, it had started before he became a father. “I broke up with Lacey,” Gareth repeated quietly.
“I got that.”
“Don’t you want to know why I broke up with her?”
“No. I know why.”
“Of course.” He licked his lips, tasted whiskey and Hazel. Always Hazel. “Shit.” He put an arm over his forehead. “It’s eating me up.”
“I know.”
“I’m not talking about Lacey.”
“I know.”
Gareth laughed mirthlessly. “I…don’t want to feel so much at once. It makes every breath hell.”
“Gareth,” Cian said quietly, “our feelings don’t care what we want.”
“Yes, but I want to get rid of them. I have to get rid of all of this. I can’t…”
“They won’t go away if you don’t change something. Shit, you haven’t gotten rid of them in seven years!”
“I changed something,” he muttered tensely. “Hazel and I…”
“I can guess. Spare me the details, please.”
The corners of his mouth twitched. “I don’t know what happened. My brain suddenly stopped working. All my plans were gone, and then I broke up with Lacey just so I could sleep with Hazel again. How fucked up is that?” He rubbed his eyes.
But I wanted you, you idiot. I didn’t break up with you because I stopped wanting you. I fucking moved to L.A. because I couldn’t stop loving you!
After hearing her say those words, he’d lost all reason.
“I threw away a relationship. A woman I could have imagined marrying…just to have Hazel one last time. What the hell? I thought giving in just once was enough, but it wasn’t. What if it’s never enough, Cian? What if I’m stuck forever?”
“At least you admit you’re stuck, Gare. You didn’t do that seven years ago.”
“Yeah, fantastic.”
“It is.”
“But it doesn’t help! The whole thing back then messed me up, Cian.
Hazel told me she loved me one week and dumped me the next.
I can’t go through that again.” He closed his burning eyes.
“I can’t handle it. I feel too much. I don’t know what to do with it.
I always want everything…and I’m afraid of ending up with nothing.
I can’t tell right from wrong, or sensible from absurd. What I want and what I need…”
“You’re not used to allowing so many feelings.”
“I didn’t allow anything,” he snapped at his friend.
“That sounds like I did it willingly. I didn’t give permission for anything that happened tonight!
And now I’m lying on my best friend’s damn floor, my friend who’s been telling me for months that it wouldn’t work with Lacey.
You knew better all along, but I didn’t listen to you, to any of you.
God, if even emotionally illiterate Connor thought I was wrong, I should have been seriously worried about my mental state! ”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I don’t care what most people think. But you…”
“We know that.”
“Fine, I...fuck.” He squeezed his eyes shut tighter.
“I’m a wreck. One evening and I’m finished.
This is all so damn reckless of me, Cian!
It's ridiculous. She’s an agent. A business associate.
If Penny finds out…fuck, if anyone finds out…
she’ll suffer so much more than I will. I should know better. I…”
“Gare, take a step back,” Cian said quietly. “Hazel’s a grown woman...she can make her own decisions. And don’t think for a second about the consequences or how complicated it might get. Just answer me one question: What do you want?”
“Her.”
The word flowed too easily from his lips, but there was no point in holding back, no point in thinking too long about something he already knew.
“For a few nights? Forever? In your bed? Your life?”
“How would I know?”
Cian snorted. “Then you’d better find out.”
“But how can I do that without getting deeper into trouble?”
“Oh, Gareth.”
Gareth opened his eyes and met Cian’s pitying gaze.
“You’re already in trouble,” his friend informed him matter-of-factly.
“Why not enjoy the whole thing and see what happens? I know you like to plan everything and know every outcome in advance so you can maintain control. But think of it as an experiment. Do what you want, without all your exhausting, overly restrictive rules. You’ve been so miserable these last few months. What do you have to lose?”
“I wasn’t miserable, I…”
“Gareth. You achieved your life goal, but it didn’t feel the way you imagined, and now you have nothing to work towards. It’s making you unhappy.”
A knot formed in Gareth’s chest. How did Cian always manage to hit the nail on the head? “God, you’re way too perceptive.”
“That’s my best quality, and the only reason you’re lying on my floor right now. And maybe it’ll make you happier to at least get things straight with Hazel and eliminate the one thing that’s been bothering you for years: Knowing what you want out of life.”
“All I ever wanted was to lead the Hawks,” he muttered.
“Bullshit. You wanted more.”
He swallowed. Yes. And that was exactly the cause of his panic. Wanting more. Wanting something he wasn’t solely responsible for, something that didn’t depend on how hard he worked, but on a thousand other factors over which he had no control. And having no control was… It was…horrible.
He sighed, blinked the thoughts out of his head, looked at Cian…and his gaze landed on the terrarium sitting on a dresser next to the couch.
“Do you have a second turtle?” he asked, perplexed.
Cian’s face darkened. “Yes.”
“Man…”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Gareth laughed. “You’re weak, my friend.”
“Says the guy on my floor.”