Four
A t least she was nice to look at. At least in this fucking perfect little office, in this perfect little building, there was some eye candy for me. Plus it helped that her prissy little hairdo had let loose several coils of red hair. Mind you, even those were perfect. Like everything around her was fucking perfect. She was watching me too closely, like she saw everything I felt. Everything I thought. It was terrifying. Meeting her eyes was almost impossible for me, because she’d see. She’d know .
“You do understand that everything you say to me stays between us, right? You can talk freely here, Damon. You can tell me what’s racing around your mind. What keeps you awake at nights. What makes you desperate to go back to your old life. Talking through those things might help you to see where you can make small changes, or improvements. Maybe make each day a little easier for you.”
Something about her annoyingly calm voice made me want to rile her up. Make her angry, or frustrated. Anything to get rid of that damn even tone of hers. Hell… I’d settle for any noises she might make, other than this particular know-it-all, I’m-better-than-you, tone. What the hell did she even know about what I was going through?
“Listen, lady-”
“ Doctor . Dr Chase.”
There it is. A slight snippy note in her voice. It was actually pretty hot.
“Doctor… what’s your first name?”
She quirked a brow. “You don’t need my first name, Damon. Or is that the issue? Should I call you Mr Silver instead?”
Jesus. I dragged my hands down my face with frustration.
“Ice. My fucking name is ICE. Nobody calls me anything else anymore.”
She tilted her head. “So you are a biker? That’s your road name?”
She wore some prissy office outfit, and thought she knew anything about a member of an MC? Sitting there with her white blouse, open just enough that I could see the curve of the top of a breast from this angle. That grey skirt, just above the knee. Really it was like a slutty office worker outfit. It’d probably give me a boner, if I wasn’t losing my fucking mind here.
“Ice?”
Her voice, and my name… I was surprised by how well they went together. My name sounded sexier from her lips, instead of pathetic, and worthless.
“What the fuck do you think you know about road names, or being in an MC? Let me guess, you watched some TV show, and think you know everything about our fucking lives. Trust me, Doctor, you don’t know shit.”
She shrugged, maintaining that annoyingly calm facade.
“If you think the bravado is going to push me away, or make me give up on you, you should know that I’m used to it. I’m used to people coming in here, and resenting me, for dedicating my life to helping people with their issues. I’m used to them yelling at me. I’m used to them threatening me. Hell, I’ve even been punched before. It’s not like this is intimidating me in any way. And for the record-”
“Someone fucking punched you? Who? ”
She frowned. “That’s irrelevant. I’m trying to explain that I’m used to anger, and frustration, and desperation. It’s expected, and I’m prepared for it. I’ll accept that it’ll be aimed firmly at me, and I’ll deal with the consequences.”
“Who fucking punched you?” Suddenly it was all I could think about. She might be annoyingly calm, and likely to drive me nuts with this shit, but she didn’t deserve some asshole hitting her. If there was one thing I wouldn’t tolerate, it was men hitting women.
“Ice, I told you, that’s none of your business. I appreciate your outrage on my behalf, but it’s part of the job.”
“Then maybe you should get a new fucking job.” I was standing now, because sitting wasn’t working for me. Along with that lethargy that had settled into my fucking bones, there was also an agitation, an edginess. Sitting still just seemed to make it worse.
“Ice, please, sit down. Talk to me. You don’t have to face this alone.”
I turned to glare at her, my fingers pulling at my hair, because it still felt wrong. It still felt like it wasn’t mine, and with that movement, yeah, pain . The ever-present fucking pain. Not the pain I felt because of my addiction. The pain that caused it in the first place. The pain that never let up, unless I was out of my fucking face on something. Yeah… the pain I’d never told a fucking soul about.
Some days it was hard to ride when it flared up. Some days… Jesus, some days riding was fucking agony, and who in an MC doesn’t ride? Huh? Nobody. You don’t ride, you’re out . That’s how it works.
Lissa
I t shouldn’t have been so sexy, the way he showed anger at my being mistreated by other patients. It shouldn’t have made me want him. Maybe I’d just pushed myself to the limit recently. I’d taken on four new patients. , in a week. I was taking appointments whenever they were requested. Late into the evening. Early in the morning. Hell… today, I cancelled a dinner date with a friend, to be here for this. Because my feeling was that when a person needed to talk, they should talk. Not wait days for an opportunity, to try and put themselves back in the place they’d been in, when they first asked for help.
“Ice, please.” His attitude had changed. He was angrier than he’d been just moments ago. It was actually unnerving, and despite my own bravado of earlier, it made me nervous of him.
“You don’t get it. Nobody will get it. It’s the way it had to be. It’s… I need the escape it gives me. The freedom. The… the relief… It’s… and they’ll kick me out… if they know. I always thought my addiction would be the reason they’d throw me out. I mean, they don’t mind drugs, as long as we don’t get reliant, but I’m fucking reliant. Some days I can hardly…” He suddenly blinked, like he’d forgotten where he was, and had just crashed back into awareness. He dragged his hands down his face again, agitation in every minute movement.
“Uh… is my time up yet?”
I stood up, because he clearly wasn’t going to sit down again, and I felt less vulnerable that way.
“Do you want your time to be up?”
To say his response was a withering look, would be putting it mildly. Did he mean something different when he wanted his time to be up? Was this more about an existential dilemma, rather than the one I was trained to help him with?
“Ice, what do you hope to achieve from today, and any future sessions with me?”
He frowned. “I have to do this more than once? Fuck’s sake, of course he’ll expect that. He’s so fucking sure this is something I can beat, and I’m just as sure that he’s wrong.”
My heart ached for him. He was like a lost little boy .
“Ice… it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Coming to see me could be a way to let out everything you don’t want your brothers in the club to see. Brothers is the right word, I think?”
He stepped closer to me, his hands clenching and releasing.
“I’ll ask you again why you think you know about our fucking lifestyle.”
I swallowed hard. It wasn’t my place to share information about me, in fact, it could be incredibly dangerous, but it seemed like it might help him trust me.
“Well… I’m not sure this is your business, but my father was in a club. Uh… president of one, actually.”
His eyes widened. “Which club?”
“That’s not the point, and it’s not relevant right now. I’m just illustrating to you that I know a little about club life. Not from being around him, because he didn’t have any involvement in my life, but from everything my mother told me. I guess she was his… old lady… is that right?”
He nodded once. “Where was he based?”
I shook my head, glancing at the clock.
“I’m afraid we’re down to our last five minutes, Ice. Can I please ask you to do one thing for me? Please book another session. Please give me another chance to listen, and support you. You need it. You need someone to trust, outside of your world, and I can be that person.”
He stepped closer again, his fingers suddenly reaching in my direction. I fought the urge to flinch back, but he was simply touching my hair. Tugging gently at the loose tendrils I’d curled at the sides.
“You have nice hair.”
I blinked, strangely unconcerned that he was still teasing at the curl.
“So do you.”
His fingers dropped away, and he looked briefly disturbed.
“I used to. I used to feel like I had a look, you know? Like I knew who I was. And I know it’s the drugs. I know they ate away at that, until I could barely recognise myself in the mirror. And now, it’s getting worse. It’s like there’s this stranger staring back at me and… Jesus … I really fucking hate how he looks. He’s broken, and I don’t think he can be put back together.”
His voice was practically a whisper by the end of his last sentence.
I put a hand on his arm, making him freeze, as he lifted his eyes to mine.
“Ice, you need help. You need my help. Please… please help me, by letting me help you.”
“Help you?”
I stared at my hand on his muscular arm.
“This isn’t okay, and I’m sorry. I’m overstepping my boundaries, and probably yours too.” I moved my hand, lowering it to my side.
“I want to see you again. Will you please book another appointment? I can help you.”
His eyes scrunched up for a moment, and then he nodded. Another one of those single nods, but it was enough. It gave me hope, because he needed my help. I couldn’t bear to see him fall back into his addiction. That was all it was. Nothing more.
He swallowed hard, turning to look at the door.
“I should go. Uh… you know what’s weird?”
I followed him as he walked up to the door, and then stopped.
“What’s that?”
He glanced at me, looking me up and down, his eyes practically searing my skin as he took in every detail.
“What’s weird, Ice?”
He grinned suddenly, and it lit up his face. It chased away the anger, and the fear, and it made him look younger. Healthier.
“In normal circumstances, I’d definitely be hitting on you. I’d definitely want to fuck you .”
What the hell did that mean?
“Only in normal circumstances…?”
He looked me over again, a wicked grin spreading across his face.
“I’d enjoy making you come undone, seeing that prissy hair come loose, and making you lose that damn composure of yours.”
Hell. I felt heat rising inside me at his words. I felt need burning between my legs, and squeezed them together to try and ease it.
“But only in normal circumstances, right?”
He opened the door, stepping out of my world, and back into his.
“Exactly.”