Forty-Two
D oc listened, and he didn’t judge, or at least he didn’t do so outwardly. He was alert enough to notice when the spasms finally eased too, and thank fuck for that.
“You’ve gone six minutes since the last one. Is it over?”
The urge to shrug was strong again, but my desire to keep the pain away was stronger.
“Hopefully. If so, it’ll be an easy day. It only lasted twenty-eight minutes.”
“That’s not normal?”
I watched him pack his tablet away again.
“It’s lasted an hour before. I think it depends on what set it off. I over-extended, so I knew it would happen, but it’s not as severe as if I’d lunged at someone in a fight or something.”
“The pills don’t do a damn thing, do they?”
I shook my head. “It’s like an instinct to take them, like maybe this time it’ll work.”
“I’d like to ask that you bin them, and don’t get more. You don’t need more addictions, and if they’re not helping, then you’re literally just taking them for the sake of it. That’s not gonna help you in the long run.”
Whatever. I nodded in the direction of the kitchen.
“They’re out of date anyway. Doubt they do anything anyway.”
“Prick. Okay, the exercises the physio gave you, you got them to hand?”
I snorted. “Course not. No idea what happened to the sheet they gave me. I did them a few times, but it’s hard when it’s painful, and when it’s not, it’s like why would I want to risk setting it off again? It’s… I know I’m a man, and I’m supposed to just shrug shit off, but it’s debilitating, man.”
He glared at me. “Pain is relative. Everyone feels it differently, and everyone has a different pain threshold. I’ve seen bigger men than you brought to their knees by something far less severe than this. Don’t make out it’s no big deal. There’s no shame in how we deal with pain. I just wish I had a solution to it, but right now I can’t help you while it’s still tender. I’ll find out what I can though, and work with you on a physio plan. What’s your strength like in that arm?”
Hell. It was all coming out now, but if he could help me, was it wrong to be honest? Shouldn’t I take this opportunity to try and fix the thing that could lose me my place in this club?
“Not good, man. I dunno, could it atrophy? It feels weaker.”
“Makes sense. Brother, you should have come to me with this straight away. Even if the damage is permanent, we’ll find a way for you to live with it, without such frequent pain.”
I wished. I would do pretty much anything to never have to feel that much pain again.
“Uh… so I guess there’s a question you’re trying not to ask me…”
He grimaced, leaning forward in his seat.
“Yeah… is this why you were using? Was it an attempt to cope with the pain? To mask it? Stop feeling altogether? You were self-medicating?” Oddly it wasn’t the question I’d expected. The one I’d been dreading.
“Yeah… I think it started out that way, and then, you know… a little becomes a lot. Sometimes becomes often. I don’t think I realised how deep a hole I’d been digging for myself.”
“We were all afraid for you. We could see it happening, and we had no idea how to stop it, short of locking you in a room and forcing you to get clean, but that’s not exactly the safest way to handle it either.”
And anything short of that, I’d have fought against tooth and nail, and he knew it. I was so sure I had things under control back then, at least until I realised that point had passed, and I had no idea how to undo it.
“I can’t promise I won’t slip again, but I’m trying, man. And Lissa helps. She really does. She knows about this, and she’s the first person I ever told. The first person who sat with me, and tried to help. I don’t think I can manage without her.”
He shrugged. “Your old lady is your old lady, man, and when you find her, you know it. Watching some of the others pairing off, it’s tough. It’s like we all fucking want that, yeah? With the exception of a few brothers, who’d probably rather keep dipping their dick in everything, like it’s some kind of fucking paint by numbers situation. Hell. I know I want to find someone to settle with, but who’s gonna want a gruff bastard like me, a single dad at that? It sucks.”
I felt for him, because my loneliness hadn’t felt so obvious until I’d had her with me, and had to be away from her again, but what if it was just my addiction hiding it from me for so long? What if he was feeling that way every day?
“Anyway, if you’re not suffering with withdrawal symptoms right now, I’ll leave you in peace. I just wanted to make sure, and don’t worry, your shoulder is our secret. You’ll have to talk to Reacher though at some point.”
“Why?” I was following him to the door, and he stopped, lowering his voice.
“Because you and I both know you can’t fucking ride with an injury like that, and every time you do, you’re prolonging your pain, and worsening your injury.”
Lissa
T he reasons for Reacher’s exhaustion became clearer over the hour or so he sat with me. The man had so much to worry about, and half of the problem was how much he was having to keep to himself.
“I feel like I’m betraying a brother by talking to you about him, but Stitch… he’s my VP… he’s waiting to hear if he has cancer, and if he does? I don’t know what it means for him. I’m fucking heartbroken for him, and he’s staying away like he thinks it’s the best way to deal with it, but he needs to be here, with his fucking family.”
I nodded. “That’s a lot to deal with on his own, but does he have any reason to doubt that his brothers will have his back? The club seems pretty tight.”
“It is. We are. I mean, we weren’t always, but it’s a real brotherhood now. Truthfully, even though he won’t admit it, I think he’s worried about the stigma of it, like they’ll make a joke of it or something.”
“Because?”
“Because of where the lump was, darlin’.” I blinked. Oh. That poor man.
“So as well as the obvious threat to his health, and his concerns about his mortality, he’s dealing with a potential knock to his self-image, and masculinity too. No wonder he’s hiding away, but that might not be the best thing for him, Reacher.”
He huffed a sigh, resting his chin in his hands, which were propped on his knees.
“I know… I just don’t know how to make him come back. He’s staying with his sister, but I agree that he really fucking needs his brothers right now.”
“Maybe it’s time for an intervention? To show up in force, and show him that you’re all there for him, regardless of his prognosis? Remind him of where his home is.”
“And out his secret to everyone? Or force him to have to talk about it with them?”
I almost reached out a hand to him, he looked so lonely and afraid for a moment.
“I can be someone he can talk to, and he only has to tell them what he’s comfortable with. The problem with a lot of people is that they think they have to overshare, to be open with others. It’s not necessary. He doesn’t need to tell anyone anything he doesn’t want to share.”
Reacher was watching me closely, and I felt a little like this talk had been as much an interview for me, as it was cathartic for him.
“I’m sorry, Lissa. You’re better at this stuff than I realised, because I never gave you a fucking chance. I still don’t get why you haven’t kicked me the fuck out of here.”
I shrugged. “Partly it’s because I’m glad to have someone here, anyone. I’m not used to being alone all the time like this, and it’s so hard to be away from Ice. But also, it’s because I trained as a therapist for a reason. I like to listen, and I love to help. It’s all I want to do.”
He rubbed at the studs on his face.
“Jeez, keep piling on the guilt, love.”
“You do that a lot. Does it offer a distraction from your thoughts?”
“Huh?”
“You play with those studs. Everyone has tells. Stress reactions, signs of their agitation. You do that, and you run your hand through your hair. A lesser version is the way you stroke your beard, but they’re all tells.”
“Jesus. I’m not sure I want someone around who can read me like that. So between my health issues, and Stitch’s situation, and other club stuff, there’s been a lot going on. Ice’s addiction has been a problem for a while, but I mean, we’re just not prepared for how we handle shit like that.”
What he said next made my jaw hit the floor.