Chapter 40 Teddy’s Voice Memos
TEDDY’S VOICE MEMOS
My therapist, Mel, suggested voice memos and showed me how to record them with the help from Siri.
You two would get along. Mel’s a lot like you, not letting me feel sorry for myself…she was also the one who reminded me how being disabled is the only minority group anyone can become a member of at any time. It stuck with me, because that’s what happened to me.
Anyway, she said it might help to get things out of my head, to say them out loud. But I don’t want to talk to myself. That feels pointless. Instead, I want to talk to you, Ivy. So I’m recording these like I’m updating you on my life.
[A long sigh] Because I miss you. Fuck, I really do. You’re never hearing these, but pretending you're on the other end helps me breathe easier. The way I used to before the hit.
It’s wild to think that without the hit, I probably never would have met you. So in a way, when I lost the world I knew, I found you. And even if I hate every other part of my injury, I can’t ever hate meeting you.
[Voice thickens] Not in a million years.
January 14
It was my third morning here when I met Aaron. He’s twenty and a former skateboarder who fell on his head during a trick gone wrong. He was in a coma for three weeks and spent months in the hospital relearning every single thing you can imagine.
He’s such a ray of sunshine. I don’t have any other words to describe him. The way he sees life and the future is inspiring on so many levels. He can still play piano, even without reading music. How cool is that?
I don’t know why I’m telling you all that, but Aaron is a good guy.
You would like him, too. He loves rock music and many of the songs on my MP3 player.
I let him borrow it for a few days until the girl he’s sort of dating came to visit and brought him his own.
The kid is that young, he had never used one before. That’s wild.
[Slow inhale and exhale] I honestly don’t know how he manages to stay so positive after everything he’s been through. His injuries were brutal, his brain left irreparably damaged. Yet, he still lives his life to the fullest…at least a version of it until he gets out of this place.
Well, shit, now that I think of it, you must have seen something similar with at least one of your patients. Damn, Ivy, I’m impressed by your job every single day. You’re making the world a better place.
January 17
You know, I love that you met both Em and Jasper. They both mean a lot to me. Always have.
When Jasper started his rookie season in the NHL, playing for the Woodpeckers, everyone was shocked that we decided to be roommates. Em suggested the arrangement as she thought we would hit it off. And she was correct as always…but don’t tell her I said that.
Jasper’s the brother I never got to have and Em’s the annoying little sister even if she’s older than me. Shocker, I know. She acts so much younger, am I right? [Soft chuckles]
You would’ve loved being there when Em got kicked out of a dive bar for stealing pickles. That woman has always loved them for some reason.
[Pause] I’m glad you met my chosen family. So damn glad.
January 20
I had my first ever group therapy session today. It was heavier than I thought it’d be, if I’m being honest.
People went around sharing what they miss the most about their lives before their disabilities or injuries.
Some talked about running outside, others mentioned driving.
When it got to me, all I wanted to say was you.
Not hockey, not my sight, just you. But I swallowed the words and said hockey instead.
Because I still have you, even if I’m currently missing you. Does that make sense?
[Long pause] Anyway, one guy in the group broke down talking about not being able to see his kids anymore. The room went quiet. You could hear his every sniffle, but no one judged him for it.
That silence? It was the first time silence didn’t feel like something negative. It felt like respect.
January 25
So, my parents' PR person called for the third time this week and left a voice message. Instead of answering, I asked Em to tell my father to fuck off. She did as asked, of course.
My parents should’ve stopped after I blocked them following the interview. Maybe this will teach them. My inner peace is more important than faking to care about them anymore. Uncle Jake agrees.
[Snort] Of course he does. That man is allergic to bullshit.
January 29
Jasper stopped by before heading to the Olympics next week. What an overachiever…right?
Anyway, he brought takeout and made fun of how I still suck at voice dictation when texting. He’s good like that, pretending nothing has changed, even when everything has. He also joked about him and Vivian doing rock paper scissors on their wedding day to decide who gets to read their vows first.
It made me laugh…and then I wondered if I’d ever get there. And who I’d want to stand with me in front of all those guests.
[A self-deprecating laugh] Okay, fuck, shutting up now.
January 31
I’ve been thinking about my reputation lately. They used to call me the bad boy of hockey. What a fucking cliché. I used to think the title made me untouchable. Newflash: it didn’t.
You have no idea how much I want to shake the old version of myself and tell him to wake the hell up. Because he was wasting time while hurting people—especially himself—for what? Headlines? A few cheers from the crowd? One more hookup that wouldn’t mean a thing?
I’m glad I’m not that guy anymore. I like to think it’s because of you.
[A quiet ‘Fuck, Ivy, what a fucking fool I have been’]
Maybe I needed all of this to see how far I’d fallen. Because the old me couldn’t have handled this pain and couldn’t have loved someone the way I love you.
And now? Now I want to be better. For myself. For you. For whatever future is waiting on the other side of this. That has to count for something, right?
January 31, part II
Yeah, I said I love you for the first time in a voice note you’ll never hear. I love you, Ivy, my light. I really do. I can’t wait until the day I get to tell you those words to your beautiful face.
February 1
There’s this guy at rehab called Brian. He’s younger than me, about twenty-four. He lost his sight in a car accident. His best friend who was driving died on impact. He doesn’t talk much, but when he does, it wrecks you.
The thought of losing someone so important…Em, Jasper, Uncle Jake or any of my teammates…or you. It kills me. I can’t even picture such loss without wanting to scream until my lungs collapse.
[A tortured sounding ‘God, Ivy’ under his breath.]
February 2
It’s been exactly twenty-nine days since I last held you.
That’s 696 hours. 41,760 minutes. 2,505,600 seconds.
Yeah, I counted with help from Siri. Damn, that made me sound unhinged. But time drags when I’m not with you. I’m hoping that somewhere, maybe, you feel it too.
[Whispers] Please tell me you do.
February 5
So, Aaron and Brian. They’re like oil and water.
Aaron is all jokes and optimism, Brian is subdued and quiet, like he carries the whole world on his back.
You’d think they’d hate each other, but weirdly, they balance each other out.
Aaron teases until Brian lets out a huff, and Brian listens even when Aaron starts one of his monologues.
[Genuine laughter]
They’ve both been through hell, and yet they’re the two most selfless guys I’ve ever met. They’ll give you the shirt off their back, even when they don’t have much left to give.
Makes me think about the kind of man I want to be in the future.
February 9
I heard about the Finnish race from Jasper. He checks the scores for me after every single ICWC event. I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted. But I know you, Ivy. You’ll come back even stronger next time. You always do. That’s what I admire about you; the fire in you.
[Voice lifts, more warmth in it] I believe in you. Always.
February 12
So, physio kicked my ass today.
I somehow managed to trip over nothing—literally air—and went down hard. The whole room gasped, like I’d broken every bone I had left, but I laid there laughing my ass off. Even the physiotherapist came running, and when they realized I wasn’t hurt, they started laughing too.
Aaron said my fall could be heard from two floors down. I can’t confirm or deny his claim.
[Snorts a laugh] At least I’m providing free entertainment around here.
February 14
Happy Valentine’s Day, my light. I never cared about today until now. Guess that’s what love does to a guy.
February 19
When we slept together and I held you, I realized it’s your hair that smells like coconuts. So I asked Em to buy different products with a similar scent. I finally found one that matches yours perfectly. It’s one of those leave-in sprays.
Now I smell of coconuts, too. Not sure if I’m going mad or if that’s acceptable…who knows. I probably sound like a lovesick idiot.
[Unclear muttering before the voice note ends]
February 26
I can’t tell you how many times I have listened to the songs on the playlist you created. Because it feels like you’re here in the room with me when I do. Especially when the first notes of “The Middle” start.
March 3
It’s snowing today. It made me think about the first snow we shared. The way you described it to me and how it felt against my skin.
I remember how your voice softened when you said it was beautiful. And I think…I think that was when I started falling for you.
[Choked breath] I didn’t stand a chance, did I?
March 9
I had another consultation with Dr. Royce and the team now that it’s been over three months since my brain injury. God, even saying that feels surreal. I have a brain injury. Those are words I never thought I’d say.
Anyway, we’re starting to look at the next steps. Surgery seems like my best option. One study shows that over eighty percent of patients had rapid visual improvement after vitrectomy. That sounds promising.
But Dr. Royce reminded me that, with my case being bilateral, there’s no guarantee. Still, I want to try. Even a little improvement would be better than nothing. Right?
[Silence]
We also talked about how it’s time for me to accept that I can’t play hockey professionally anymore. I don’t even know what to say about that right now.
[Whispering] I so wish you were here, Ivy. I need you.
March 12
This will be short, but I didn’t know who else to tell. Silence leaves room for every doubt to crawl in. Fuck, I’m starting to hate the different types of silence I’ve discovered recently. Who knew there was more than one?
March 18
I finally let my teammates visit me today after texting them regularly for the past weeks. Jensen, Foster, Lance and Zimmerman all came to the rehab. You can only imagine how much the nurses loved it.
If I’m being honest, being with them again hit me harder than I expected. The second I heard their voices down the hallway, it felt like walking into the locker room again before a big game…just us, giving each other shit and laughing like idiots.
We sat around for hours, talking about everything and nothing. But eventually, I told them. I told them I’m retiring. Saying it out loud to them made it real.
They went quiet at first—no jokes or forced optimism—just that kind of silence that carries a lot of love in it. Then Jensen clapped me on the back and said, “If this is your call, we’ve got your back.” The others followed suit.
I made them swear they wouldn’t breathe a word to management. That part has to come from me. I’m meeting them the day after tomorrow, actually.
[Shaky exhale] I’m not sure I’m ready, but at least tonight, I didn’t feel alone.
March 19
Hey, it’s me again. I’ve been sitting here for what feels like hours, trying to figure out what the hell to think, and this is the one thing that won’t leave me alone: I’m meeting with team management tomorrow and I’m fucking terrified.
Not the kind of nervousness you get before a game or a race.
Or the jittery, adrenaline-laced kind that pushes you to do your best. This is something deeper and way heavier.
I don’t have the right words to describe it any better.
But tomorrow is the day I finally give them my final decision; I won’t play hockey anymore.
Even saying the words out loud breaks something in me. Like I’m grieving a death no one else will.
[Breath catches] I don’t know how to say farewell to him, to Teddy who skated like he owned the ice.
I know the risk of another head injury is too high.
Even if I get my full vision back tomorrow, it still doesn’t erase the fact that I suffered a traumatic, life altering injury.
You know more about these things than I do.
So you know it could be much worse if I survived another hit.
I don’t want to take that risk with my life.
Not after what I’ve experienced in the past few months.
So yeah, I’m scared of the meeting and what comes after. But when everything else feels off, there’s one thing I can hold onto. One person. You. Every single night, I wish for you. Not the ice. Not my team. Not the crowd. Just you.
I’ve never stopped wanting to be with you, Ivy. Not once in all 104 days I’ve known you exist in the same universe as me. Your name never settles into silence when everything else around me does.
[Voice breaking] I pray it never will.