24. Lyssa
Lyssa
Itell Andi everything.
Everything, that is, that I told Benji. Some secrets are still too dark to voice, even to myself.
But at this moment, what I share can at least help her understand what I’m feeling and why I’m currently using Winny as a tissue.
For his part, Winston remains still, only turning every now and then to climb further into my lap or to lick at my cheeks. We really don't deserve dogs.
As soon as I began crying, Andi collapsed on the floor next to me, giving my shoulder a gentle rub and murmuing a soft, "It's okay, it's okay.
" When I began explaining myself, she leaned back, allowing me to cling onto Winston. Despite all the exuberance and intensity I know her for, she remains surprisingly quiet now. She simply listens as I recount my past with Austin, my hidden identity, and the reason I keep everyone at arm’s length.
When I tell her about my injuries, she ducks her head, but I still see the discreet movement of her wiping a tear away.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t know,” she says quietly. “I wish I had noticed. I wish I could have done something.”
“It’s not always something you can see.” I give her a wobbly smile. “Even when he hurt me, he made sure it wasn’t visible.”
She blows a heavy breath out from between her lips. “You’re so fucking strong. I’m so proud of you for getting away.”
My gaze trails to the window, where I see other skyscrapers in the distance. Strong isn’t the word I’d use for what I did.
How often have I heard girls just like Andi say that they wouldn’t allow such things to happen? Women with fiery tempers and very active gym memberships, adamant that they would kick their man’s ass if he so much as touched them.
Even when I’d been at my strongest physically, I didn’t give a second thought to other ways I could be taken advantage of.
I’d allowed him to infiltrate my mind, make me feel small.
I’d shaped myself around him and allowed him to convince me to wilt.
By the time he started being more than emotionally abusive, I’d lost enough weight that he could lift me with one hand.
My desire for him to find me beautiful walked me right into his powerful, violent hands.
How often had I chastised myself for allowing it to get to that?
I’d been a successful athlete when I started college.
If I’d fought back with the strength and size I’d had when we first started dating, could I have won?
Or would he have found another way to hurt me, aside from his words and his fists?
I’ll never know, now. Instead I ran, praying I could leave it all behind. And here I am now, still allowing the past to find me and haunt me.
“I wasn’t strong,” I whisper. “I was cowardly.”
“No.” Andi’s tone is sharp, and the seriousness of it makes me jerk my head up in surprise.
“Don’t you dare say that. You were able to see your worth, how much better you can be away from him, and that you didn’t deserve what he did to you.
You did that all by yourself. You left on your first try, and you didn’t look back. ”
False. I’d actually tried leaving twice, but she didn’t know that. She never would.
“And I can’t believe you did that all on your own. Girl, you are so fucking strong.” The sheen in her eyes makes my chest twinge painfully, and I glance away. I don’t deserve her praise. “If you don’t mind me asking, what name do you want me to use?” she asks.
I blink in surprise. Of all the things, I wasn’t expecting her to ask that.
I assumed she would just want to use my real name, and I wasn’t sure yet how it would make me feel.
But…part of me does want to be called by my real name.
“You can call me Lyssa. Or Lyss.” I swallow. “But please, never Alyssa.”
She gives a sage nod. “Even around others?”
“No, I–I’m not sure I’m ready to tell anyone else this story.” I shake my head. “The only other person I’ve told is Benji.”
“How about this? Can I just call you L? That could mean anything, and encompasses all of you. Then and now.” She gestures in a circle and beams at me, and I feel my hesitant smile grow.
The way her enthusiasm manages to pull me up from the darkness is something to be admired. It's infectious in the best way.
“Yes.” I huff out a soft laugh. “That sounds perfect.”
Her grin grows triumphant. She scoots closer and gives Winny a scratch, considering me for a long moment. “Do you wanna talk about Benji?”
For some reason, the simple question has tears springing to my eyes again. I sigh and blink them away. “I don’t know, Andi.”
“You don’t know if you want to talk about it, or you don’t know what’s happening with him?”
I shrug. “Both?”
She gives a sad, soft laugh. “Oh, L.” The nickname rolls easily off her tongue, and warmth blooms inside me. She slides an arm across my shoulders, and Winny moves across my lap so that he has some body part touching both of us, the greedy little lover he is. “What happened?”
I mull over the past weeks, starting with Benji discovering my hidden identity. How he refused to take things any further until he knew my real name. What happened last night, with me giving in and sharing my name. How he used it as we made out, stopping me short.
As I recount our night in Colordado, I skirt over Benji's story about his brother. Andi could probably easily look it up, but it's his story to share. I hold it close, knowing he showed the same vulnerability that he asked of me.
I also skim over the more graphic details of our moment in the hot tub, even though my cheeks flame, and she gives me a knowing smirk that says she absolutely knows what happened.
Even now, I can feel his large, calloused hands skimming over me, and the soft warmth of his lips against my skin.
It’s a heady feeling. Desire and fear are sitting on two ends of the same scale, nearly equal in how much they’re overwhelming me.
I didn’t think anything could match the unease always curled in my gut, ready to pounce.
But when his hands and lips were on me, those feelings became quiet.
Not gone – never gone. Just…quiet. And, I realize now with a jolt: I didn't have a nightmare that night on the couch. I slept soundly with him next to me.
“He sounds…incredibly sweet,” Andi says. “I'm telling you as someone who is always looking for the worst in men. But, really, it sounds like he’s taking it all in stride, and he wants you. The question is, do you want him?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I did last night.
I do, still. But that’s just physical desire.
Then he went and said my name, and when I told him the truth, and it didn’t scare him away, it made me feel like things were heading somewhere…
deeper. But I don’t think I’m ready for all of that.
” I gesture broadly. “Look at where that ended up last time.”
This is the centering conversation I needed.
The reminder to get out before this beautiful thing twists into something dark and painful.
Every happy memory I should’ve had with Austin is stained by the fear and violence that grew over the years, overshadowing anything else.
At least with Benji now, I can hold the memory of that moment in the hot tub and the time after, curled together on the couch, suspended in time, forever unblemished.
Andi's look is full of concern. “I hate that he did this to you.”
“Did what?” I gnaw at my lip, hating her expression.
“That he made you think that any relationship you have from here on out will end with you needing to run away. I mean, what if you end up losing someone you could really care for?”
“The hardest part isn’t losing someone you care for,” I say. “It’s realizing they weren’t who you thought they were in the first place.”
Austin had been good once; amazing, even.
To this day, I wrack my brain, wondering if there was something from the very beginning that could have warned me.
If I had been able to see past his generosity, his charm, and his humor, would I have found a piece of that darkness underneath his handsome exterior?
The more terrifying reality is that he kept it carefully hidden until he knew he had me in his grasp. It was like another person had emerged, far too late for me to get away unscathed.
“I know how that feels,” Andi says, her voice quiet. My eyes widen and shoot to hers, but she shakes her head. “Not what you went through. But how it feels when someone you love isn’t who you thought they were.” She pauses. “I was engaged once.”
“You were?” I can’t help my shocked tone.
She nods. “I was young, and naive. We were high school sweethearts. But the week before we were supposed to be married, I found out he was cheating. And to think,” she lets out a rueful laugh, “we were talking about having kids.”
I need a moment to digest the information. I can’t imagine who could have this bubbly, charming, beautiful woman next to me as their partner and actively choose to hurt her, over and over again. “Where is he now?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “Buried under a gaggle of women? Choking on a ball gag? Oh, hopefully dying a slow death from one of his numerous STDs. A girl can dream.”
I snort, but grab one of her hands and squeeze it. So, Andi doesn’t just make jokes to make others feel better – she does it when she’s hurting, too. I remind myself to pay closer attention. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not now.” She shakes her head and gives me a sad smile. “But maybe someday.”
“Whenever you’re ready, I’m here,” I say. “But you’re doing okay, now?” When she nods, I add, “What am I saying? You’re banging a professional hockey player 24/7. I’d say you came out on top.”
“That’s true. I come on top a lot.” She pauses as I laugh again.
“But see? The point is, not every man is going to be like the one that ruined our pasts. Grant and I have a wonderful, consensual, no-strings-attached relationship. Nobody’s getting hurt, but everyone’s getting laid. It’s fucking great.”
I consider this and frown. “Something tells me Benji’s not as into the idea of friends with benefits as Grant. Strangely, he seems like the relationship type.”
And I’m not sure I can give that to him.
“Well…you’re not looking to date anyone else, are you?”
“I mean, no?”
“Then I bet you can both agree to not see other people while you see where this is going. Just take it slow. You both have your own apartments, jobs, lives. Hell, his job keeps him away half the time as it is. If you decide it’s not for you, all you have to do is say so.
” As if she can see the panic rising in me, she bumps my shoulder.
“And the best part? You’ll have me here to back you up.
Just say the word, and I’ll come get you, day or night. ”
“Okay. Take it slow. Yeah. I think I can do that.” I inhale slowly through my nose, willing my heart rate to stop spiking.
Andi grins at me. “Baby steps, L.”
Again, the nickname sends warmth tingling through me. I let the breath out on a deep exhale and take out my phone. As Andi watches, I pull up my conversation with Benji, where I left his question on read, and type out one word.
Me: Yes.
I hit send. “Baby steps.”