37. Benji
Benji
“Only eight minutes left!” The captain of the Chill, Matias Halko, bellows down the bench. His Finnish accent is heavy with excitement. “Let’s hold this lead! We can do anything for eight minutes!”
My new linemate, Nate, bumps me. “Well, not anything. Some things, he can only do for one.”
Jordie chuckles, and I offer Nate a brief smile, though my heart isn’t in it.
I’ve been going through the motions during this game, and it shows.
My performance isn’t as dazzling as the last game, but I’m just happy I’m still holding my own.
Having Jordie here provides the element of familiarity I need.
It’s pulled me out of my head just enough to play a decent game.
I haven’t heard from Lyssa in a day and a half. I’ve picked up my phone to message her at least a dozen times, but each time I end up putting it away. She hasn’t made any attempt to reach out to me, and her parting words are still ringing in my head.
She didn’t choose me. I tried my best to let her know that I chose her, that I would be there for her, and she couldn’t do the same.
I’m trying to understand that her background has more pain in it than I knew before, but I’m also frustrated that she wouldn’t let me help her.
There’s nothing I can do about it if she wants to handle it alone.
“Four miles left!” Matias bellows as the clock hits the four minute mark, and I do my best to funnel all my focus into the end of the game. We’re able to squeak out the win, and my chest decompresses somewhat as we head into the locker room.
“Only one more game of the year,” Jordie says as he peels off his jersey and tosses it into the laundry bin. He runs a hand through his hair and then squirts water into his mouth. “Isn’t that wild?”
I nod, muttering, “And what a year it’s been.”
Jordie studies me, like he can’t tell if the comment is a good or a bad thing, and I’m not sure, either.
On one hand, my career dreams came true.
I’m playing for the team I always dreamed of playing for, something most who work their whole lives for will never be able to say.
I met a great girl who turned my world upside down.
But on the other hand… I may have lost the girl, and my brother isn’t here for any of it.
Not to cheer me on, not to skate with, not to talk about the girl with.
Jake’s gone, and grief burns through me like alcohol on a fresh wound.
That’s the part of losing someone that nobody ever tells you about; the way that a single memory or a single moment can bring the pain rushing back like it was yesterday, no matter how much time has passed.
I throw my helmet to the ground, too confused to voice it all, but too tired to get up and try to walk it off in the moment.
Jordie’s eyes go from the helmet to me, his lips pursing. “Beers with the boys tonight?”
“Fuck yes,” I groan. “You have no idea how badly I need that.”
The mood at the bar is sour across the board. The Leopards had another game against the Pirates today, and they lost to them, 4 to 1. It was a solid ass-kicking, according to our old linemates.
“It’s cruel to make us play so often against them,” Highcloud mutters. “Why do they have to be in our division?”
“Because life’s a bitch, that’s why.” Grant takes a long pull from his beer, and Jordie and I exchange a glance.
“Who pissed in your cereal, Sando?” Jordie asks slowly. Grant is the perpetual optimist of the group. He’s always ready with a joke to lighten the mood. When he’s in a mood, we know it’s something serious.
Grant blows out a long breath through pursed lips, staring hard into his glass. “I don’t know, man. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on with Andi. I feel like we’re not on the same page.”
My laugh is short and hard. “Welcome to the club, bro.”
“It’s a terrible club, Benji. I want out.”
“Wait. Didn't you say she was engaged before?” Highcloud asks, and Grant nods.
“Yeah. That’s why we kept it so casual. But, I don’t know. Lately it feels like something more. I just don’t know how to bring it up to her. We agreed on one thing, and I think she wants to keep it that way.”
“But you don’t?” I ask.
“No, man. I want more.” The look on his face is so sincere and new. God damn. We’re both just fools in love. My heart goes out to him, and I pray it’s not one-sided.
“Then you’ve gotta tell her how you feel,” Jordie says.
“I know, I know. I will. But we’ve both been so busy, we’ve barely been able to see each other, and when we do, it’s just for quick hook-ups.
You’re not making things any easier, by the way.
” He levels me with a glare, but it doesn’t have any heat behind it.
Even so, I cringe. We’re at Wunderbar, but I only agreed to come here once Grant confirmed with Andi that Lyssa would not be working tonight.
Grant gives me a long look. “Just ask about her, dude. You know you want to.”
“Fine.” I sigh. “Have you heard anything?”
He shrugs, pushing his empty glass to the corner of the table.
“I don’t know, man. I can tell you she’s still upset.
Andi says Lisa’s trying not to bother her with her problems, but she can tell Lisa’s all bent out of shape.
” He pauses. “I still don’t quite get it, though.
You just told her you loved her, and she flipped out on you? ”
I make a noncommittal noise, taking another sip. I know Andi probably knows the truth by now, but clearly she’s still keeping Lyssa’s secrets. I hate not being able to tell my friends everything, but…I shift in my seat, resigned. It’s not my place to say more.
“Well, for what it’s worth, Andi is positive Lisa loves you, too. She’s probably just dealing with some shit in her head.”
My eyes meet his over my glass, and he gives me a half-smile. “I mean, come on. It makes sense. Who wouldn’t love you, bro?”
The others make obnoxious cooing noises, shoving me, and it’s enough to force a laugh out of me. For the first time in almost forty-eight hours, I feel light again. This is exactly what I needed.
“What kind of weird bromance am I witnessing here?” A voice says, and we all glance over from our table to see Liam there, flanked by two other Pirates players.
Well, if this isn’t a fucking bucket of cold water on what was about to be a good evening.
“What are you doing here, Roberts?” Grant asks, his tone laced with ice.
Liam looks around, feigning surprise. “It’s a free country, isn’t it? And what a happy coincidence we ran into you all.”
“Well, you saw us.” Jordie waves him away. “Now you can go do your thing, and we’ll do ours.”
“Too good for us now, Tremblay?” Liam asks, dropping his fake politeness.
“You make it to the show, and suddenly you can’t be seen talking to us little people?
” Jordie frowns, but before he can answer, Liam continues, zeroing in on me.
“Now, you I can understand, but Estes here has to know better. He was just a pity call-up, to give the newspapers something to talk about.”
The words are like lightning to my veins, and I feel my palms begin to prickle with sweat. Fucking hell. How does this guy always know how to hit where it’ll hurt the most?
“That’s it.” Grant stands from the table, sending his chair skittering out behind him. He squares up with Liam, and the rest of us are quick to follow suit, rising out of our seats to flank him in silent support. “Get the fuck out of our faces, Roberts.”
Liam simply smirks. “Looking for another ass kicking? I would’ve thought you had enough today.”
“You’re such a piece of shit, you know that?” I grind out.
Liam simply shrugs. “Hey man, at least I don’t have a girlfriend running around on me.”
I freeze. “What do you mean?”
He waves his hand. “There was some guy in here earlier, showing the manager a photo of you and your girl, asking where he could find her. Said she was his girlfriend.”
My breath catches. It feels like I’ve been dunked in an ice bath. His girlfriend…
Liam says something and laughs, but I can’t reply. The photographs – the article – her ex must have put two and two together. Maybe it was shit luck. Or maybe he’d been searching for this kind of slip-up ever since she left.
I look down, stunned to see that my hands are trembling as the surge of adrenaline hits. I barely even notice as Grant and Jordie turn, closing in on either side of me. Liam slips away, shaking his head.
“What did that fucking loser mean?” Grant asks, but I don’t answer. I’m busy pulling my cell phone out, fumbling as I find Lyssa’s contact. I press call and bring the phone to my ear, praying for her to pick up.
“The number you have dialed has not set up their voice mailbox…”
I curse and hang up, searching for Andi’s number. When she doesn’t answer either, I pivot to Grant. He takes in my expression, alarmed.
“Do you know where Andi is right now?” I demand.
He shrugs. “She was at the gym with Bella and Lisa, but she should be home by now. Why?”
Jordie grabs my shoulder, eyeing me carefully when I meet his gaze. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Lyssa.” I swallow, too frantic to realize my slip up. “Her ex is here. And he's…” I trail off, unable to form the words as fear floods my veins.
Jordie's hand drops from my shoulder in surprise, but then he gives me a firm nod of understanding. “Let’s go find her before he does.”