Chapter 22
Zoe
Miah might as well have been the rope in a game of tug-of-war, his arms stretched in opposite directions trying to keep a hold of both mine and Charlie’s hands.
Charlie walked as fast as her little legs would take her, dying to get to the arena, and then there was me, dreading what awaited me inside and dragging my feet.
I’d been sick to my stomach all day, and I’d considered cancelling more times than I could count. But every single time I picked up my phone to text Carter and tell her we weren’t coming, Charlie’s precious, little face popped into my head and I put it back down.
Carter hadn’t been able to meet up today since the team had barely gotten to Denver with enough time for a pre-game skate due to weather, but we made—tentative—plans to grab lunch tomorrow before they left.
It at least bought me another day before I had to properly face her on my own after shutting her out for so long.
Maybe by then I would be able to put into words how sorry I was for it.
At least I would have Charlie there as a buffer tonight. Carter had invited the two of us to sit on the bench while the team warmed up. Charlie had squealed so loud when I told her that my ears rang for several minutes after. I, on the other hand, had heart palpitations.
But I would do it for Charlie. Anything for her. The whole point of this was to have a special night for the two of us. And it would be. Even if I had to fake a smile all the way through it.
Miah walked with us into the back area, having already known his way around thanks to Wes, but that ended when we reached the doors that lead to the locker rooms. Charlie moved to stand in front of her dad, blocking his path.
“It’s girls only, Daddy.”
“Yeah. No boys allowed,” I managed to tease.
His eyes narrowed slightly at me, but the corner of his lips twitched in amusement. Outnumbered, he took a step back.
“I get it. Let you have your special time with Zoe and the team. I’ll get some pictures of the two of you out there.” He bent down to press a kiss to the crown of her head. “Have fun, Tot.”
“I will!”
Miah shook his head before turning to me.
He didn’t even hesitate to lean in and give me a kiss as well, except mine was on the lips.
I glanced nervously toward Charlie. We’d never shown any affection around her outside of hugs or holding hands.
But she just grinned up at us like the Cheshire Cat, and, if anything, that just made my cheeks burn even more.
Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me through the doors.
Miah shot me an encouraging thumbs up before they swung shut behind us.
I spotted Carter as soon as we rounded the corner, talking to a staff member.
I’d recognize her tall frame anywhere. Her dark waves were braided and wrapped up in a secure bun at the nape of her neck, her signature hairstyle. The nostalgia hit me hard.
She turned at the sound of our footsteps echoing along the concrete and hurriedly excused herself from her current conversation before jogging over to us.
“Danny!”
God, how long had it been since I’d heard that nickname?
I forced a smile onto my face as Carter held her arms out for a hug. With her pads already on, I could barely get my arms around her.
“Hey, Carter.”
She pulled back to look me over, and I wilted under the scrutiny of her dark brown eyes.
“Wow. It’s been, what? Ten years? And you still look exactly the same as you did in college.”
I scoffed, waving her off. “Oh, hush. You look amazing. Far more in shape than I am.”
Carter opened her mouth to argue, but then she registered Charlie beside me and instantly bent down to her height.
“You must be Charlie. Zoe told me that you’re a goalie. Is that true?”
I’d never seen Charlie at a loss for words, but she was starstruck. All she could do was give her a shy smile and the smallest hint of a nod.
Carter wasn’t fazed. “I’ll have to introduce you to our goalie, Marley.”
Then she stood and turned her dazzling smile back onto me once more. I subconsciously reached for Charlie’s hand again, more so to ground myself than to keep her close. I trusted her not to wander. Couldn’t say the same for myself.
“I have a surprise for the both of you. Come with me.” Carter waved for us to follow her back in the direction she’d come from.
I noted that the employee she’d been talking to was still where she’d left him. He smiled politely as we approached and then handed a large merch bag to Carter before dismissing himself. Carter set the bag on the ground to remove its contents.
“We got these specially made just for the two of you. If you’re going to be on the bench, then you have to be properly repping the Vortex.”
She held up a child-sized jersey with LANGFIELD stitched across the shoulders. Charlie’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head. She eagerly took the jersey and held it close to her chest.
“Thank you!”
“You’re welcome. I have a feeling that won’t be your last PWHL jersey.” Carter winked at her.
Then it was my turn. She held out the adult jersey to me, and I stared at the bundle of fabric in her hand for an extra beat.
I never did end up getting a PWHL jersey with my name on it.
This one felt like a pity prize. It wasn’t from the Rebels and I’d never wear it as an actual professional athlete.
I’d never check a girl into the boards with it on or block a shot that had snuck past my goalie.
It was just like any other custom fan jersey. And that hurt more than I expected.
“Thank you,” I said quietly, finally taking it from her. I didn’t even open it to look at the back.
If I came off as ungrateful, Carter didn’t let it show.
“I’ve got to finish getting ready. A couple staff members will meet you at the tunnel to walk you out to the bench.” She smiled down at Charlie. “And I’ll see you out on the ice.”
She returned to the locker room, and I just stood there in a stupor, the jersey hanging limply in my hand until a gentle tug on my sleeve drew me back.
“Zo, can you help me put it on?”
If anything could pull me out of the rabbit hole I was quickly spiraling down, it would be Charlie’s smile. How could I ever say no to her?
I tossed my own jersey over my shoulders so I could help her. Once we got it over her head, I carefully pulled her braids from the collar while she worked on getting her arms through the oversized sleeves.
“There.” I stepped back to look her over, removing my phone from my back pocket. “I’ll take a picture so you can see what you look like. Then we can send it to Daddy.”
“He’s going to be so jealous he didn’t get one.”
She didn’t seem sorry about that at all, and it made me laugh, something I needed desperately in that moment.
I took a couple of pictures of her smiling and then had her turn around to get her name on the back. She eagerly swiped through the photos before choosing one to send to Miah.
“Put yours on. You need a picture, too,” she insisted.
My mouth instinctively opened to protest, but I cut it off, instead forcing out an “Of course.”
I didn’t let the name on the back register as I unfolded the jersey and slipped it on. It settled heavily across my shoulders.
“Let’s take a selfie,” I blurted before Charlie could offer to take a picture of me.
“Okay!” she agreed easily.
I squatted down, allowing her to sit on my knee as I held my phone out with one hand, the other firmly wrapped around her waist to keep her steady.
She beamed at the camera, and I knew my smile would be dim in comparison.
So I focused on Charlie and her joy, trying to absorb as much of it as possible.
Photo evidence secured, we found our way to the tunnel where a few other fans had gathered.
Staff members passed out helmets and then guided us to the benches.
It was only a few minutes before the teams came out to warm up.
Charlie didn’t sit the entire time, instead standing at the boards completely enraptured by the women.
I focused on taking pictures of her. It was easier to distance myself from the situation if I looked at it through a phone screen.
Carter popped by for a photo op with Charlie and even brought over the two goalies, who gave her fist bumps and affectionate taps on her helmet.
She was living her best life, and here I was internally screaming and fighting the urge to bolt.
Once the teams left, we were guided back through the tunnel to the exit of the backstage area. Miah was waiting for us on the other side of the doors. Charlie let go of my hand and barreled toward him. Prepared as always, he scooped her up into his arms.
Without Charlie as an anchor, I had been left unmoored, the waves of emotions within threatening to capsize me at any moment.
“Look at you in your official Vortex jersey.”
“It’s got my name on it, too!”
“Well, isn’t that special? That was very kind of Zoe’s friend, wasn’t it?”
Miah’s gaze turned to me, and the light in his eyes dimmed. Guilt burned in my chest.
“Are you—”
“I’m gonna step outside really quick. Get some fresh air.” I was already taking a step away. “I’ll meet you at our seats.”
I left before he could say anything else, my body kicking into full flight mode now that Charlie was safe with Miah.
Everyone was hurrying to get their lastminute concessions before finding their seats, and I was swimming against the flow of traffic, the press of bodies around me stifling.
The closest doors led to an outdoor patio where fans could enjoy their pre-game drinks with a view of the mountains.
This close to puck drop, the space was empty, so no one saw me burst through the door and gasp in a lungful of icy cold air as if I’d just been plucked from the depths of a frozen lake.
With no witnesses, the dam finally broke, warm tears cascading down my face as everything I’d bottled up for years came pouring out.
That could have been me out there on the ice. No, it should have been me. It was going to be me.
But it never would be.
An announcer would never call my name for the starting lineup. Fans wouldn’t wear my last name on the back of their jerseys. Little girls wouldn’t hang posters of me in their bedrooms. I would never live out the dream I’d clung so tight to since I was seven that it became my entire personality.
And that was the truth I hadn’t figured out how to face.
Ever since my first Mite League game, I’d been convinced that I would be a professional hockey player. If it meant moving to Canada to join the CWHL, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Then the National Women’s Hockey League had been established, and my options had opened up even more.
Until I did one thing that took it all away. The entire future I had planned since I was Charlie’s age, gone in a matter of seconds.
But that wasn’t all I’d lost. I lost friendships and a relationship that I had assumed I’d be in for the rest of my life. I lost myself. And I was one hundred percent to blame for that.
The accident had been out of my control, but everything that came after was a choice I made. And I had to live with the consequences of both.
All of the adrenaline I’d been holding in had seeped out of me and left me exhausted, my cheeks wet and cold now that my tears had stopped. I used the sleeve of the jersey to wipe the evidence away.
The crowd had thinned significantly when I returned inside, and I could hear the national anthem being sung.
Slipping into the bathroom, I took advantage of it being empty to splash cold water on my face in hopes of getting rid of the puffiness.
While it wasn’t perfect, it would have to do.
I didn’t need to concern Miah any more than I already had.
Play had already begun by the time I made it to our section, apologizing profusely to the people I had to step in front of in order to get to Miah and Charlie.
“Zo, you missed puck drop,” Charlie pointed out.
I sent her an apologetic smile. “Bathroom line was really long,” I fibbed.
Her attention wasn’t on me, though. She was already caught back up in the game, but Miah wasn’t so easily distracted. I could see all the questions burning in his eyes. I gave a small shrug of my shoulder and did my best to give him a reassuring smile. While I wasn’t entirely okay, I was better.
His lips pressed together in a harsh line of concern and he reached out to hook his hand around my outer thigh.
The one I’d broken. If he realized what he was doing, he didn’t show it, eyes returning to the ice even if the deliberate stroke of his thumb told me his thoughts were still on me.
It was that tender touch that kept me anchored to the present.
I may not be on the ice competing, but I was here. With Miah and Charlie.
And that was more than enough for me.
They were more than enough.