08
The spotlights blinded Tae Hyun, dazzling beams cutting through Guardian Skylight Arena’s inky blackness. The roar from the sold-out crowd washed over him like a breaking wave, a siren’s call of screams and cheers that pounded through his chest, mimicking his racing heartbeat. Tiny diamond beads of sweat clung to his skin, tracing the lines of his muscles as he moved–every step precise, every gesture honed by countless hours of practice. Adrenaline surged through him, a heady rush that powered his performance, pushing him to his limits. This stage, this moment–it was his. He felt powerful and invincible amidst the cacophony of thousands.
Tae Hyun boldly waved to the crowd, flashing finger hearts in the dazzling light before the stage plunged into a planned darkness. He’d performed his final encore. The show was over. Exhaustion threatened to drag him down, but the post-show high coursed through him. Everything was perfect.
Yet, a bittersweet current swam beneath the surface. Tae Hyun longed for a pair of familiar eyes to find him in the swirling lights, to lock with his. He craved the warmth of a certain smile, the one that spoke volumes without a single word. Jason’s absence was a hollow space within the intoxicating thrill, an unwelcome reminder that even the greatest triumph felt incomplete without him.
The backstage bustle swirled around Tae Hyun. A tech unclipped his mic pack and removed his ear monitors while his dancers crowded around him in a flurry of hugs, high-fives, and excited chatter. Then, Mina appeared, her face beaming.
“That was incredible, Tae Hyun! Absolutely flawless,” she gushed as she pulled him into a hug.
It wasn’t, but Tae Hyun smiled anyway. There’d been those monitor glitches, brief heart-stopping moments of disorientation forcing him to keep going solely on the hope he was hitting the right notes. But outwardly? Yes, flawless.
“Thank you,” Tae Hyun said, hugging her back. “We couldn’t have done it without you.”
“I know.” Mina winked, a playful sparkle in her eye. “Obviously, I’m the real star.” She laughed. “But you can have a supporting role. Also, I’ve reserved the hotel’s Executive Lounge for our after-party. Come join us when you’ve freshened up!”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Tae Hyun promised.
After-show parties were a cornerstone of tour life. The crucible of performance forged bonds stronger than anything, turning strangers into friends and friends into family. There, away from screaming fans and flashing cameras, Tae Hyun could breathe, laugh, and simply be himself.
Seong Min met him in his dressing room. He patiently stood guard as Tae Hyun showered off the makeup and glitter and changed into street clothes before driving him back to the hotel. Sitting alone in the car’s rear seat, the first quiet moment he’d had to himself since that afternoon, he pulled out his phone to compose a message to Jason .
First show’s done. It was perfect.
Tae Hyun waited in case Jason replied, knowing he might still be asleep. Then, the typing indicator flashed.
That’s awesome! I’m sorry I missed it but I know you looked and sounded amazing.
Tae Hyun’s smile was bittersweet. Only Seong Min, glancing in the rearview mirror, would see the gentle curve of his lips in the phone screen’s glow.
It’s okay, hyung. You’ll see it soon enough. I’m headed to the after-party next. I love you.
I’m sorry to miss that, too , Jason replied. And I love you more. See you as soon as I can.
A pleasant warmth spread through Tae Hyun as he tucked his phone away. He caught Seong Min’s eye in the mirror. “Did you enjoy the show?”
Seong Min nodded. “Very much, sir.” He lightly chuckled. “Sometimes I think I’m in good shape. Then I watch you sing and dance for two hours straight. It’s a good reminder that I could always be better.”
Tae Hyun laughed. “I might have the endurance, but you’ve definitely got the strength. It’s why we make a great team.”
Seong Min smiled. “If you say so, sir.”
“You’re coming to the after-party, yeah?”
“Of course, sir. As long as you think you need me there.”
Tae Hyun jokingly scoffed. “I don’t need you there. But my sister probably does.”
Seong Min frowned. “Sir?”
“We’ve got enough security people now that you can take the night off and enjoy yourself.”
Seong Min tried to hide a grateful smile. “Thank you, sir.”
When Tae Hyun arrived at his room, he took a long, luxurious shower, letting the hot water rinse away his lingering tension. Reapplying his makeup was almost meditative, the familiar routine grounding him amid the whirlwind tour. The night’s outfit was a statement–black leather pants for a touch of rock-star edge and a loose, glittery mesh top that shimmered like a disco ball. A spritz of his signature scent, a few quick selfies–one for his fans, one for Jason–and he was ready.
Seong Min, still dressed in his semi-casual security attire, escorted him to the Executive Lounge. Thumping music and the buzz of conversation and laughter spilled out as they approached, a tantalizing preview of the night ahead. Stepping inside, Tae Hyun was met with a burst of activity and vibrant colors. The lounge was more upscale than executive, with velvet couches in bright jewel tones, gleaming, polished wood floors, and walls lined with striking, contemporary art. A full window wall opening to a rooftop terrace brought the drama, offering a spectacular view of the Shinjuku skyline. The room pulsed with a low hum of conversation and clinking glasses, the air thick with the mingled scents of perfume and expensive liquor.
Mina spotted Tae Hyun right away, her smile wide and genuine, with warmth in her eyes. “Hi! What are you drinking?”
Tae Hyun chuckled. “Is that even a question? What is there?”
“Are you kidding?” Mina playfully scoffed, gesturing towards the bar. Her cheeks were flushed, and she talked too loud. She had to be drunk already. “We’ve got everything.”
Tae Hyun laughed. “I’ll have a gin and tonic, please.”
Mina nodded, turning with a flourish toward Daniel at the bar. “Daniel! Get Tae Hyun a G&T.” Daniel nodded and gave Mina a thumbs up. “Great. So, Tae Hyun, how are you feeling? Everything good?”
Tae Hyun smiled, touched by her genuine concern. “Honestly? It’s great. I’ve done several tours, Mina, and this is by far the best one.” He gently touched her shoulder. “You’re seriously doing an amazing job.”
Mina blushed, her smile softening. “Thank you! That means a lot coming from you.” She returned the gesture, resting a hand on his shoulder. “And I’ve worked with a lot of artists. You’re easily the least bitchy.”
Tae Hyun chuckled at Mina’s backhanded compliment. “Give it time,” he teased.
Daniel joined them, handing Tae Hyun his drink. “Here you go, sunbaenim.” He lifted his glass for a toast. “To an amazing show.”
“And an amazing tour,” Tae Hyun added, lifting his drink. They all clinked glasses, and Tae Hyun sipped from his. “Have you been to Tokyo before, Daniel?”
Daniel shook his head, his eyes shining with excitement. “No, and I’m loving it! It’s so much fun. Jenny and I walked around Shinjuku last night. It was such a trip. What about you? You’ve been before, yeah?”
Tae Hyun swallowed his automatic sigh at the difficult reminder of his last Tokyo visit. But the ache wasn’t as sharp as it once was. Every new, positive memory in Tokyo chipped away at the bad ones, creating a space for joy alongside the lingering sadness. He took another sip of his drink and smiled. “I’ve been a few times, but it’s always good to be back.”
Daniel grinned. “Thanks for letting me be part of it.”
“Of course!” Tae Hyun glanced at Javi, deep in conversation with Ember and Skylar. He leaned closer to Daniel. “So, have you and Javi finally hooked up yet?”
Mina gasped. “What? Don’t tell me you two are–”
“No,” Daniel cut in, a blush darkening his cheeks. “I mean, I wish, cuz I’d ride that man like a mechanical bull. But, no. Not yet.”
Tae Hyun chuckled. “Give it time,” he teased, winking at Mina. Across the room, Ren caught his eye and flashed him a dazzling smile. He wore a bold, punk-inspired tartan kilt and a graphic tee printed with a reverse Sweet Beast logo that perfectly captured his manic energy. Tae Hyun returned the smile and raised his drink in salute.
Mina noticed their exchange. “ Sweet Beast killed it tonight. Did you catch their set?”
Tae Hyun nodded. “Some of it. It’s great having them open. The crowd was so warm and pumped by the time we got onstage.”
“I wish I was warm and pumped,” Daniel joked, still staring at Javi.
Mina huffed. “That’s it.” She grabbed Daniel by the shoulders and turned him to face Javi. “We’re fixing this right now.” She pushed a slightly panicked Daniel toward the object of his desire.
Left on his own, Tae Hyun waited as Ren approached with an empty glass in hand. “I’m headed to the bar.” He nodded toward Tae Hyun’s half-finished drink. “Ready for another?”
Tae Hyun drained his glass and grinned. “Perfect timing.”
“Gin and tonic again?”
Tae Hyun nodded. “Predictable, I know.” He followed Ren to the bar, watching while he ordered their drinks.
“Mind if I try this?” Ren asked as he picked up Tae Hyun’s drink. “I’ve never had one. ”
“Go for it.”
Ren took a careful sip and winced. “Yeah, that’s not for me. How can you stand it?”
Tae Hyun chuckled. “I used to only drink soju, but I picked this up living in Los Angeles.”
Ren grinned. “I’ll keep my vodka, thanks.” He gave Tae Hyun a playful once-over, his eyes twinkling. “Seriously, who taught you to dress like this? You’re making the rest of us look bad.”
Tae Hyun bashfully smiled, his ears warming at the compliment. “Fashion’s always been my thing,” he admitted. “My mom used to ask for my advice until she figured out why I was so good at it.”
Ren chuckled. “Handsome, charming, fashionable, and a fantastic dancer? You’re the poster boy for every good gay stereotype out there.”
Tae Hyun smirked, nudging Ren’s arm. “Says the boy in the skirt.”
Ren nudged Tae Hyun back, his laughter bubbling up. “How else am I supposed to show off these legs?” He glanced over his shoulder at the crowded room. “It’s getting a bit much in here, isn’t it? Want to step outside for some fresh air?”
“Sure, why not?” Tae Hyun eagerly agreed.
Ren easily steered them through the crowd, leading them onto the expansive terrace. The cooler night air was a welcome change from the party’s heat, and the distant hum of Shinjuku’s nightlife created a softer soundscape. He followed Ren to a quiet corner, away from the party, the wind ruffling his hair.
“Well? What do you think of the view?” Ren asked, leaning against the railing .
Tae Hyun chuckled, mirroring Ren’s stance. The city lights sparkled like jewels across the vast horizon. It was nice to discover another thing they had in common–an appreciation for dramatic views. “Incredible. Tokyo’s always had this amazing energy.”
Ren nodded, his gaze shifting to Tae Hyun, a hint of seriousness behind the playful facade. “It’s a double-edged sword. The size? The energy? Those things are addictive. But this city can swallow you whole if you’re not careful.”
“I know the feeling. Seoul’s the same way.” The ache still sat heavy in Tae Hyun’s chest. He used to carry the hurt like a physical weight, a constant reminder of betrayal and heartbreak. He was terrified of returning to Tokyo, afraid it would drag him back down. “Honestly, I was dreading coming back here. My last visit ended badly. It made me hate this place.” A flash of surprise crossed his face as he realized that raw, all-consuming emotion was no longer there. “But you know, coming back for this tour? It’s helping me heal. You’re helping me heal,” he quietly admitted.
Ren’s eyes softened. He took a step closer, a gentle hand brushing Tae Hyun’s shoulder. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked, soft and deep. “It’s okay if you’d rather not.”
Tae Hyun looked down as an ice cube cracked apart in his drink. Only a handful of people knew the truth–Yoo Mi, Yun Seo, Jason, and, of course, Chang Min. Could he trust Ren with this? How could he not? Ren had experienced the same thing, the same crushing heartbreak from opening up after spending years in the closet. He would understand.
“I was in a secret relationship with one of my group members,” Tae Hyun confessed, the words almost catching in his throat. “It was hard, sneaking around and hiding everything. I was young and naive, and I thought he loved me.” He let out a long breath, releasing the memory to night air. “Then I caught him cheating with an escort.” He shook his head, pushing the lingering pain aside. “It changed everything for me. And it made me hate this place.”
Ren’s eyes widened, surprise giving way to a nod of understanding–and maybe even a hint of shared pain. His touch lingered on Tae Hyun’s shoulder for a fraction of a second longer than necessary, a silent gesture of support. But just as quickly, he pulled back.
“Damn,” Ren roughly murmured. “I know that feeling. We all hide so much of who we are. It makes that betrayal ten times worse when it happens. That shit can really break you.” Ren looked away, staring at the glittering cityscape as if lost in his own difficult memories. “This industry. It can chew you up and spit you out before you even realize what’s happening.” He turned back to Tae Hyun, a vulnerable warmth in his eyes. “But you’re still here. You made it through. That takes real strength.”
Ren’s words resonated with Tae Hyun. The shared hurt was an invisible thread connecting them. Seeing that vulnerability in Ren’s gaze made Tae Hyun long to offer comfort, to return the support he’d been given. It was a familiar ache–the urge to protect those he cared about.
“You made it, too,” Tae Hyun softly echoed. “It takes real courage to keep putting yourself out there, trusting that the fans won’t turn on you.” He hesitated, then reached out, a tentative hand resting on Ren’s forearm. “But you’ve done it. We’ve both done it.”
Ren smiled, his eyes sparkling with the simple joy of finding someone who truly understood the weight of their shared burden. “You’re right. We have.” He placed his hand over Tae Hyun’s, a pleasant warmth radiating between them. “That’s why we have to stick together,” he continued, low and intense. “There aren’t many of us out there, so it makes us stronger.”
Tae Hyun nodded, feeling the beginnings of true solidarity. “Absolutely.”
Ren’s smile brightened. “You can feel it, too, right? Our connection.”
Tae Hyun nodded again, caught up in the rush of finding a true kindred spirit. “I do. Together, we’re a force that–”
Ren leaned forward, cutting Tae Hyun off with a sudden kiss. Shocked, Tae Hyun froze, his mind spinning. Then, comprehension dawned, and a surge of anger replaced the confusion. He pushed Ren back.
“What the hell, Ren? What was that?”
“I’m–I’m sorry,” Ren stammered, his cheeks flushing a deep crimson. He stepped back, his eyes darting away. “I was wrong to do that.” He trailed off, his desperate apology hanging in the cool night air.
The words didn’t register at first. Tae Hyun was too stunned, the world momentarily tilting on its axis. He could hear the distant hum of traffic below, the muffled laughter of the partygoers behind them. The kiss had felt like a violation, a betrayal of the fragile trust they’d built. But then Ren’s panicked expression, the raw vulnerability in his eyes, mirrored the hurt Tae Hyun himself had felt so many times before. Maybe Ren hadn’t meant it the way it seemed. Maybe he’d genuinely misread the situation.
But, staring at Ren, Tae Hyun struggled to reconcile the vulnerable man before him with the impulsive, reckless one who had just kissed him. “It’s fine,” he reassured Ren, his voice still trembling with unease. “I know you didn’t mean it like that.”
Ren’s shoulders sagged in relief. “I’m so sorry,” he desperately repeated. “I was wrong. I just–sometimes I get caught up in the moment, you know? And I thought, maybe–” He trailed off, his unspoken confession still hanging in the air.
“It’s fine, Ren,” Tae Hyun reassured him. But in that moment, all he could feel was the echo of Ren’s lips against his own, the ghost of a touch that sent a shiver down his spine. He forced a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “We’re good. Let’s just forget about it, yeah?”
Ren looked away, a blush creeping up his neck. His typical playful bravado had vanished, replaced by a conspicuous unease. “Yeah,” he muttered. “Yeah, of course.” His eyes nervously darted toward the balcony door seeking an escape route. “I, uh–I should get back inside.”
Before Tae Hyun could reply, Ren slipped through the sliding door and vanished inside. Alone on the balcony, a million thoughts raced through his mind. Anger, confusion, disappointment–the chaotic storm of feelings threatened to overwhelm him. He took a deep breath, hoping the crisp night air would cool his heated emotions. He had to find Ren and make sure the situation didn’t escalate. A public scene would be disastrous for both of them. Squaring his shoulders, Tae Hyun pushed through the sliding door and reentered the bustling party, his eyes scanning the crowd for a glimpse of the escaping idol.
Tae Hyun walked toward the bar, thinking Ren might’ve gone for another drink, but he was nowhere to be seen. He huffed, turning his back to the bar to survey the rest of the party, and caught Yun Seo’s eye. His sister frowned, excused herself from Seong Min, and wandered over.
“What’s wrong?” Yun Seo asked, low and urgent.
Tae Hyun shook his head, forcing a casual smile. “It’s nothing. Have you seen Ren?”
Yun Seo’s frown immediately deepened. “Did something happen? I saw him rush through here like his hair was on fire.”
Tae Hyun’s breath caught in his throat. People were already talking. “Where did he go?”
Yun Seo shrugged as she scanned the room. “I don’t know. Maybe the restroom?”
“Of course,” Tae Hyun muttered. It’s where he would’ve gone, too. “I’ll check there. Thanks.” He pushed off from the bar, but Yun Seo grabbed his arm.
“I’m coming with you.”
“Yun–”
“To keep watch, oppa.”
Tae Hyun nodded, making a quick path to the restroom he spotted near the room’s entrance. He tried the door, but it was locked, so he knocked. “Ren?” No response. He tried knocking again. “Ren, if you’re in there, we should probably–”
The lock’s sharp click startled him. Then the door swung open, revealing Ren, his face flushed and tear-stained. “Can’t you let me be humiliated in peace?”
Tae Hyun quietly sighed. “There’s no need–”
“Oppa,” Yun Seo interrupted. “Someone’s coming.” She pushed on his back. “Just go in.”
Before he could protest, Yun Seo gave Tae Hyun a firm shove, propelling him into the restroom. Ignoring Ren’s startled and upset expression, Tae Hyun closed and locked the door behind him. Ren stomped to the other side of the large, well-appointed restroom and leaned against the sink, staring at his reflection as hurt and confusion twisted his features.
“Just say what you came here to say,” Ren spat, the words sharper than Tae Hyun would’ve liked. The feelings were fresh.
Tae Hyun took a deep breath, forcing himself to remain calm. “I came to check on you. To make sure you’re okay.”
“More like to check on how humiliated I am,” Ren countered.
Tae Hyun huffed. “Ren–”
“I’m sorry.” Ren pushed off the counter and turned a remorseful gaze to Tae Hyun. “That’s not fair. I’m mad at myself. Not you.”
Tae Hyun nodded through his strained smile. “I get it. We all do things we regret. The important thing here is to let it go and move on.”
Ren’s frown seemed sincere, but something about his demeanor almost felt rehearsed. For a moment, Tae Hyun was shaken by echoes of his past betrayals. Was something more lurking beneath Ren’s remorseful facade? But he shook off his unease. He was the last person to hold it against someone for hiding their true feelings behind a practiced mask. He longed to rewind the evening, erase the awkward encounter on the balcony, and return to the carefree camaraderie they had shared earlier. But it was too late. The damage was done.
Ren let out a shaky breath. “Yeah, you’re right. Just–” His tone softened as he forced a semblance of calm. “Just give me some space for now. Please.”
Tae Hyun nodded. He really wanted to put the matter to rest, but his desire to avoid a scene was stronger. “Of course.” He turned toward the door. “Do you want me to send anyone in to help you clean up?”
Ren slowly shook his head and turned away. “No, I’ll just wash up and sneak out. If anyone asks–”
“I’ll tell them I saw you leave,” Tae Hyun finished. “And I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Ren nodded but didn’t respond, so Tae Hyun opened the door to find Yun Seo standing guard as promised.
“Everything alright?”
Tae Hyun nodded, pushing a smile to his lips that he already knew Yun Seo would never believe. “Everything’s fine.”
Yun Seo’s frown meant he was right. “Don’t bullshit me like I’m some blogger, oppa.” She grabbed hold of his sleeve. “Take me to your room and tell me everything.”
Tae Hyun considered protesting. Surely, everyone at the after-party would notice if both idols mysteriously disappeared. Then again, a quick glance at the gathered crowd showed him that no one was paying him even the slightest attention. So, he nodded. “Okay, fine. Let’s go.”