Chapter 22
Patrick
Cain puts his burger and fries on a plate and pops it in the microwave while I take a seat at his table.
“You want anything?” he asks.
“No,” I answer succinctly, knowing I need to get the hell out of here, and wondering—not for the first time—why this man has such a hold over me.
Deciding it’s best to switch gears and talk business before my heart gets more confused, I remind him of his meeting tomorrow. “Go easy on Fierro. He’s a good guy.”
“Who?” Cain asks.
“The man conducting your mediation meeting tomorrow,” I remind him.
“Oh,” he says, pulling his plate from the microwave and sitting across from me. “I don’t want to deal with him. I’ll only work with you.”
“Cain, that’s not a good idea.”
“Why? I don’t want to deal with some ass kisser,” he whines around a mouthful of burger.
I scoff.
“Right. Because I don’t kiss your ass more than anyone on the planet,” I deadpan, acknowledging the elephant in the room.
Cain flashes a heart-stopping smile at me.
“The difference is I like it when you do it.”
I scrub my hands down my face.
“Cain, this is my job we’re talking about. I tried to get taken off this assignment and was denied. I just need everyone to get on the same page and then go home with as much of my h—with as much of my sanity intact as I can.”
“You really think you can go back to how things have been the last two decades now that you know where I am, what I’m doing, and that I want you?” he asks, driving a knife into the same heart he once fixed.
“You don’t want me,” I argue. “You want what I give you. You want the way I make you feel.”
“Why are those things mutually exclusive?” he argues.
“Cain. I can’t do this with you again.” I know it’ll most likely fall on deaf ears, but I have to get it out for my own sake. “When we stopped seeing each other in college—”
“Which was your choice, by the way,” he says, interrupting me.
“I HAD NO CHOICE! It was either that or let you kill me!” I yell.
“I never fucking hurt you!” he yells back.
“Physically isn’t the only way to maim someone, Cain.
You were all I could think about. I ate, slept, and breathed with thoughts of you on my mind.
Every day I woke up wondering if I’d get the chance to see you.
If you’d choose to acknowledge me that day.
I spent those two years so wrapped up in you that I almost flunked out of college.
You were worse for me than a meth addiction because nothing I could do would ensure another hit.
It was always up to you, and I knew I either had to walk away from you completely, or accept that I was a dead man. ”
Cain places his burger on his plate and pushes it away.
With a stony expression, he says, “I didn’t know how to do anything but take back then, and you were more than willing to give. It worked in both our favor.”
I huff a sarcastic laugh.
“Is that what you think? Cain, I would’ve taken a bullet for you.
Hell, I almost ate one more than once. Can you say the same?
” He has the decency to flinch as my ugly truth is laid bare before him.
“I don’t know why I can’t cut you out of my DNA.
I don’t know why I can’t seem to walk away and stay away.
Emilia was my saving grace. She brought me back to life, even though she never knew I had one foot over the threshold to the abyss.
Her laugh brought light into my life, whereas you were a black hole that consumed it all.
She and I built a life and had a son. I was truly happy.
And then Emilia was gone. She and I wanted to protect Liam, so we didn’t mention anything until we knew she wasn’t going to beat it.
And he resented both of us for that decision.
I lost my wife and my son at the same time.
Drinking didn’t help, and drugs weren’t appealing because even though he was mad at me, I still had a son to support.
I didn’t want to be alone, but the thought of dating another woman felt like betraying Emilia.
And men…well, they all reminded me of you, of what I knew I’d never find again.
Until Taylor. He was the best of both worlds, so perfectly unique and unlike you or Emilia that I felt safe with him.
His laugh is the most carefree sound in the world.
He’s beautifully confident in who he is…
and I hid him. Just like you did to me. And he let me…
just like I did for you. While I was healing from the loss of Emilia, I fell back into toxic patterns, except instead of breaking myself, I broke Taylor.
Damon and Liam found us in a compromising position.
I blamed Tay. Went so far as to tell his family that he used my grief to seduce me.
They bought the lie. Taylor hated me after that, and once again, I’d lost another person in my life I truly cared about. And I blamed you. I still do.”
Taking a deep breath, I fall silent.
I hadn’t planned on verbally vomiting that onto Cain, but how dare he make it sound like I walked away from him so flippantly!
There are no tears with this story. There is no plea to love me. I’m just stating facts Cain needs to hear.
“It was never going to work with anyone else, Patrick. And I’m so fucking sorry the universe thought the only way to teach us both that lesson was to take everyone you loved from you.”
“Except you. Somehow, I’ve managed to find myself right back where I started…with you,” I point out, staring into the eyes of the man who will be my ultimate downfall.
“Stay here tonight,” he says, choosing not to acknowledge my inadvertent declaration of love.
“No.”
“What more have you got to lose, Patrick?” he argues. The low blow feels the same as all the others.
“What more could you have to gain?” I ask, standing from the table.
“I’ve already given you everything, and you’ll never love me the way I need you to.
” Accepting that this was the absolute last time with him, the end of our road, the end of an era…
I let the next words choke the remaining life out of me. “The way I love you.”
I don’t give Cain the chance to say another word as I leave the kitchen and exit through the garage.