Chapter 36 Flynn
It feels strangely duplicitous being a man in an all-female group and I’ve spent three quarters of my time in the steam room avoiding everyone. I do have to keep taking breaks and downing water, but the hours are passing and I’m starting to think I might survive this and do Amy proud.
The conversations I’ve overheard are speedy, excited, overlapping: sickly parents, shit boyfriends, stubborn chin hairs, an arsehole boss who stands too close. Some are deeply personal and yet I’m fascinated to hear the women’s reactions. There are no digs or sly comments or bad jokes. In a different world I wonder what I might have shared if I’d had some female friends growing up.
My heart sinks, however, when the next two people to enter are Laura and Tanya, who seem to have really hit it off if the giggling is anything to go by.
‘Just off—’
‘Ames, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Stay!’ Laura says. ‘Tanya was just telling me about launching her new workout app, PushIt …’
‘Sounds like an STI.’
Laura falls silent and I internally smack my own head. Amy asked for one thing and I need to try to do my best.
‘I guess it sort of does,’ Tanya says. ‘So Amy, is this your first time being a bridesmaid?’
Tanya’s eyes are just visible through the steam.
‘Yep,’ I reply absent-mindedly. Even her voice seems to trigger something in me, my skin tingling.
‘No, it’s not,’ Laura corrects, waving a hand in my direction. ‘We’ve been bridesmaids together twice before.’
‘Yes. Apart from those two times,’ I say slowly. I wish I’d left when I had the chance.
‘Your speech last night was sweet, about your dad,’ Tanya says, head tipping to one side. ‘I’m so sorry, Laura, for your loss,’ she adds.
‘Thanks,’ Laura says, giving her a grateful smile. ‘That’s kind, isn’t it, Amy?’ Laura prompts.
I know she wants me to say something nice. I know I should say something nice. If this morning has taught me anything, it is that women in this situation say nice things. I open my mouth and then four years of hurt and rage stops my tongue.
‘Very.’
Laura gives Tanya a crooked smile.
‘Too hot,’ I say quickly, getting up and pulling on the door to outside, skin beading with sweat. Laura’s smile slips and I know I’m not being friendly, but I can’t do it; I can’t talk to Tanya normally like nothing has happened. I can’t pretend.
Any enjoyment at listening to the hens has disappeared, their chats now just annoying, their laughs now too high. Teeth chattering, I stay hidden behind a large ornamental stone pot, waiting for the time to be up. Perhaps if I stay here they might forget about me and, ‘Gah!’
Someone has crept up and pinched me on the elbow.
It’s Laura.
‘Amy, what are you doing?’
‘I’m … I’m …’ I glance about, struggling for words. ‘Foraging,’ I finish lamely, plucking something that may or may not be a weed out of the pot I’m hiding behind.
‘What is up with you? Please stop being weird and stand-offish and get involved.’ Her voice softens, ‘I get that you might be a bit intimidated or …’
Intimidated? Is that what Laura thinks Amy would be? Amy is openly snarky about places like this, and the people who frequent them, lecturing on the waste, how monthly spa memberships could more than pay for water for an entire African village.
‘But you were just openly rude to Tanya, that was totally embarrassing.’
I speak before I think. ‘She’s a cow,’ I say sullenly, regretting the words almost immediately. Shut up, Flynn.
It’s too late, Laura’s softness disappears, her face morphing to fury. ‘You’ve literally just met her; she is the best man’s girlfriend. Why would you say that?’
‘She gives off a bad vibe.’
Laura rolls her eyes, ‘Oh great, is this going to be one of those things where you’ve made up your mind about someone because they grew up in a smart house or went to a posh school? You don’t know her, Amy.’
‘I don’t do that to people.’ I think of Amy then, rolling her eyes if I mention anything to do with boarding school, quick to point out she went to a big comprehensive, did everything without any help.
‘She just, she just … I …’ How do I get out of this? ‘She just, she … seems like bad news.’
Laura takes a deep breath as she looks at me. ‘Look, Amy, I don’t know what is going on with you right now and I’m trying not to be a bitch because I love you. I know you think Jay is posh and his friends are awful, but honestly, if you give people a chance …’ She takes a breath and rubs her eyes. ‘I really thought you’d want to make up for last night, but it’s like you don’t even care.’
‘I do, I do,’ I insist, worry coiling around my insides.
‘Well, act like it. Please. For me.’
Oh god, I don’t want to mess this up for Amy. I need to fix it. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, face earnest. ‘I’m really sorry, I’ll do better,’ I promise.
Laura’s mouth purses together and the sad expression on her face lifts a fraction. ‘OK,’ she says, nudging me in the ribs. She gives me a small smile. ‘Hey – you know Mum’s talking about getting a tattoo,’ she adds. ‘A dove on her collarbone.’
‘Better than I Heart Geoffrey?’ I say and I’m gratified to hear her laugh. This is the Laura I’m used to, Amy’s sister with the big loud laugh and the kind eyes. I cannot screw this up.
Back in the steam room I even force a laugh when Tanya makes a joke about it being better than her usual ‘dishwasher steam’.
‘… And this suite’s meant to stimulate fertility,’ Trish tinkles with a laugh. ‘Just saying, Laura.’
‘Mum, I’m not even married yet!’
‘A joke! A joke!’
My muscles clench.
‘I better get out quickly then,’ Tanya says.
My head snaps up, insides twisting with the shock of the statement.
Despite the steam, I feel like Tanya is staring at me as she says it, and I squeeze my eyes closed tighter and wish myself anywhere but here.
It helps fertility.
And for the first time I’m filled with real dread that this weekend is going to change everything.
And I won’t be able to do a thing to stop it.