Chapter 32
LEO
Thursday, June 27
Five Days Later
I sit on my couch, whiskey in one hand, phone in the other, staring at the screen. Five days ago, I sent the most vulnerable text of my life, and it still sits there, liked and read but unanswered.
I can’t believe she went to Utah. She just up and left without a word, and now she won’t respond to my message.
I’m fucking miserable without her, and it hurts that she won’t respond to my texts or answer my calls. But what really kills me is knowing it’s my fault. The pain festers like salt in an open wound, feeding all my lifelong fears and fueling them with validation. She left me, just like everyone else I’ve cared for more than a friend.
I’m angry for thinking I could have what my brother Andrew has. I’m angry for trusting myself enough to let Vivian believe I’d changed enough to make her happy, only to cause her pain and suffering—two things I’d never want to inflict on anyone, especially her.
I debate texting again, but what’s the point if she won’t answer?
I finish my drink and head to the kitchen for more.
What the fuck am I doing ?
It’s a Thursday, and I don’t drink on Thursdays. I run my hands through my hair, groaning. Alcohol never solved anyone’s problems. I put my glass in the sink and the whiskey in the cupboard, knowing I won’t find the answers in a bottle.
* * * * * * * * * *
Saturday, July 9
One Week Later
The Fourth of July came and went. Mer invited me to join her and Piper, but I wasn’t up for it. I stayed home, thinking about Vivian—like I always do—and how fucking miserable I am without her. I ended the night jerking off to thoughts of her, then pathetically fell asleep watching Love Island because it makes me happily depressed to watch something Vivian loves.
It’s 10:00 PM, and I can’t sit here and wallow anymore. It’s stifling in my house, and all I want is to be in Vivian’s house, in her bed… with her.
Fuck, I need some fresh air. I put on my shoes and head outside, walking off the claustrophobia.
I wind up at a bar. A drink and some fresh air will do me good. I’m on the patio with a Guinness on tap, leaning my arms against the railing when Ashley stands next to me.
God, I really do run into her everywhere.
It’s no surprise, though; we frequent the same places, living the same type of lifestyle. We’ve been together more times than I can count, falling into bed when no one else catches our eye.
“Hey,” she says, nudging me. “You here alone?” She turns to lean her back against the rail, crossing her arms—pushing her tits together. My eyes wander to them out of habit, sending a spark of lust through me as my dick starts to harden.
“Yeah, I’m here alone,” I say somberly, my throat dry .
“You seem off,” she says, pursing her lips. “You okay?”
I half-heartedly smile and scoff. “I’m fine… I will be, anyway.” I take a sip of my beer, savoring the cold, bitter taste as it slides down my throat, momentarily distracting me from the chaos in my mind.
“You know I can help with that, right?” she says flirtatiously, eyeing me up and down as she strokes my arm.
It feels good… Ashley touching me. For a moment, it takes the pain away. She looks incredibly hot, and I know that taking her back to my place, kissing her, touching her, and feeling her body against mine would be incredible right now. It would be so easy to revert to my old ways, to take her home and fuck her. And Christ, I want to.
She hesitates, calculating her next move as I stay silent. I stare at her, undressing her with my eyes, and she leans in to kiss me. Her lips press against mine, and her touch sends a jolt through me. The warmth of her hand on my skin, her soft lips on mine, ignite a familiar, almost automatic response as my dick stiffens completely. Jesus, it feels so good. Ashley has always been a great kisser, and I succumb to it. Meeting her kiss with equal fervor, I grab her waist and pull her closer, feeling her body pressed against mine.
For a minute, I let myself get lost in the sensation, the heat of the moment consuming me. But then, as her hands travel up my chest, Vivian’s face flashes in my mind—the way she laughs, her sweet smile, the way she makes me feel. A wave of guilt crashes over me, and I pull away abruptly, breaking the kiss.
Ashley looks at me, confused and slightly breathless. “What’s wrong?”
I take a step back, running a hand through my hair. “I can’t do this,” I say, my voice shaky. “There’s someone else. Someone I care about too much to mess it up.” It’s a sentence I’ve never said in my life, and it shocks even me as I say it.
She scowls. “Come on, we’re just kissing. There’s no one else here tonight—she’ll never know.”
“But I’ll know.” I hold her stare .
Ashley rolls her eyes. “It’s not that big of a deal.” She strokes my arm. “You really want to be with someone who’s going to take away your freedom? You’re not the monogamous type, Leo, even you know that. You’re too sexy and too good in bed to be tied down to one person.” She grins, her hands finding their way behind my neck, playing with the short waves at the back of my hair, just as Vivian does. “Are you sure? Because you look rather lonely to me.”
“I’m sure, Ash. I’m definitely sure,” I repeat, trying to convince myself. Because holy shit, I’m so turned on right now, and I am so fucking lonely.
“It’s that girl you were with a few weeks ago, isn’t it?” she asks pointedly.
I sigh. “Yes… her name is Vivian. I’m sorry, Ashley, I shouldn’t have kissed you.” I gently remove her hands from around my neck and step back, folding my arms.
“It’s fine.” She frowns, a mix of annoyance and resignation in her expression. “I’m just surprised is all. Never thought anyone would be able to take you off the market.” She scoffs. “I guess I’ve gotta give props to the girl who has.” She pats my arm, then rolls her eyes and adds with a smirk, “Looks like someone’s getting pussy whipped.”
Without another word, she turns and walks away, leaving me dumbfounded by the entire encounter.
I just turned down sex with a gorgeous woman who I already know is a good lay. I felt guilty when I kissed her, a feeling I never experience when it comes to sex. Goddammit, I am pussy-whipped, I don’t even know what to do with myself, and over a woman who won’t return my texts. A woman who wants to get married and have babies. I need to find a way to get over her. Maybe I should fuck Ashley; that might help. But I can’t until I’ve talked to Vivian, not until I’ve closed that door. And who knows when that will be? I guess I’m to remain celibate until she decides to pick up her damn phone.
* * * * * * * * * *
Wednesday, July 17
Eleven Days Later
My last couple of the evening walk out, leaving me in the silence of my office, the white noise from the sound machines in the hallways trickling in.
I check my phone and see I have a text from Sarah.
I texted Vivian again a week ago, asking how she was doing, and she responded with I’m ok. She didn’t proceed to ask me how I was or give me anything else. I felt it was best to leave it be and let her have her space, so I decided to text Sarah earlier, and ask about her.
Sarah: Hey Leo, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve seen her worse… but I’ve also seen her better. It’s not my place to really talk to you about her, but I will say that I know she misses you. I’m glad you reached out to me. Hope you’re doing ok too.
I take a deep breath and rub my forehead. When is she going to come back? I need her in my life, and if I can’t have her in the capacity I want her, then I need to at least have closure.
Leo: Thanks Sarah. Please tell her that I miss her.
Sarah: I will.
Meredith walks into my office and stands before me.
“Hey Mer, what’s up?”
“Stand up,” she demands.
“Why?”
“Just do it,” she says impatiently.
I stand, and she directs me to the couch, pushing me to sit down.
“What are you doing?” I ask, confused.
She sits in my chair, pulling it closer in front of me, and places her drink on the coffee table.
“Okay… so since I’m your friend, I’m not going to charge you for this therapy session,” she states matter-of-factly, “but you will owe me for helping you clean up the mess that is your life,” she says seriously, with a smile.
“Meeerrr,” I groan, “not this again.” I begin to stand.
“Sit your ass down, Leo Weston. You can get up when I tell you to; we’re not even close to being finished here.” She shakes her head at me, disappointment evident in her eyes.
I slump back onto the couch, running a hand through my hair in frustration. “What do you want from me? Do you want me to admit that I fucked up? Fine, I fucked up. I fucked up big! It’s too late; I tried the therapy thing. We did EMDR, it didn’t work, okay? I tried. It turns out that I’m not meant for lifelong monogamous relationships.”
“That’s such bullshit. How did you try?”
“What do you mean, how did I try?” I snap, feeling my irritation rise. She knows how to get under my skin, and it’s working. “I tried my damndest. I stopped seeing other women. I spent every night with Vivian for two months. I devoted all my spare time to her, and in the end, it wasn’t good enough.”
Meredith crosses a leg, her eyes boring into mine with a mix of frustration and determination. “Oh, I see. That clarifies everything for me. So let me get this straight. You fell in love with Vivian, but you did everything you could to keep her at arm’s length. You had your cake and ate it too, stroking your ego, getting all the sex you wanted with the woman you wanted to be with. All while filling your cup by spending time with your best friend because that’s how you wanted to spend your time.”
She takes a deep breath, her voice rising with each word. “And then, when it came down to giving Vivian something, just a simple label, a definition of what you already were, giving her hope for a future, you pulled away because you’re a fucking pussy.”
I flinch, letting that sink in as she continues her lecture.
“You let your fear of losing her overtake any hope of things working out, and you lost her anyway because of your cowardice. Did I miss anything?” She shakes her head, her expression a mix of disappointment and sadness. “You didn’t just lose her. You pushed her away, and now you’re here, wondering why she won’t let you back in. For God’s sake, figure out what you really want and stop hiding behind your fears. Otherwise, you’ll lose the best thing that ever happened to you. ”
Her tone softens as she stands to move closer, sitting on the coffee table in front of me, and placing a hand on my arm. “Look, I know things from your past make it hard. It’s difficult to let go of what you think you wanted. But Leo, I truly believe that’s not what’s holding you back anymore. You’re standing in your own way because you haven’t allowed yourself the time or grace to reevaluate what you want. You’re stubborn, and it’s okay to want something different now.”
She pauses, searching my eyes. “Everyone can see how much you’ve loved Vivian for months. From the moment you met her, something changed. You need to think about your future… what it could look like with Vivian in it. What if it actually worked? What if you were happy? What if taking the risk led to something amazing? If you believe it’s worth it, go after her. Fight for her. Show her how much you love her. Prove to her that she can trust you.”
Meredith’s words hit me like a punch to the gut, leaving me reeling. I look down, unable to make eye contact, knowing she’s right.
I do love Vivian. I’ve known that for a while now. What the hell am I doing?
“What is it that you’re actually afraid of?” Meredith asks.
I try to pinpoint the answer to her question and realize it’s not what I thought it was.
“I’ve always believed I’m afraid to lose someone I love again.” I shake my head, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. “But that’s not it anymore.” I look at her, feeling the weight of my words. “I’m afraid I’ll fail at loving her the way she needs to be loved, the way she deserves to be loved… the way Ben loved her.” I sit up, my voice heavy with exhaustion. “What if I can’t make her happy? What if I fuck it all up five years down the road? What if…” I trail off, slouching down and resting my head on the back of the couch.
“What if you don’t?” she asks, her eyes wide. “What if you don’t fail?”
“I don’t know.” I shift in my seat. “I’ve never really considered that as a possibility. When I look to the future, I can’t see myself being happy with Vivian; my thoughts always show me failing, hurting her, and ruining everything. ”
Meredith pats my leg, her expression softening. She leans forward slightly, her eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that makes it impossible to look away. “Leo, you’re a psychologist. What would you tell your clients in this situation?”
I pause, her question hanging in the air. What would I tell my clients? I’d ask them to confront their fears, to challenge their negative beliefs. I’d tell them that self-sabotage is a cycle that can be broken. I’d tell them they deserve to be happy. Why can’t I follow my own advice?
She takes a deep breath. “Look, I don’t want to lecture you all night. You’ve succeeded in every other aspect of your life. Why not this? If you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to get it.” She moves to stand, pausing at the door. “And Leo, if you decide to bet on yourself, don’t take no for an answer. I like Vivian.” She smiles wide. “By the way, are we still on for dinner Friday night?”
“Yeah, of course,” I reply, managing a small smile.
“Great. I’ll see you then,” she says, and walks out.
As the door closes behind her, her words echo in my mind. What would I tell my clients? Maybe it’s time I start taking my own advice.
* * * * * * * * * *
When I get home, I decide to go for a run to clear my head. The pounding of the pavement and the warm summer breeze melt away some of the stress built up over the past week.
Running along the Riverwalk, I pass the spot where I scared the living hell out of Vivian. I laugh to myself as I think of her yelling at me and shoving me, the fear in her eyes, and how they softened as she melted into me when she realized it was me.
God, my life wasn’t as great as I thought it was before she came into it. Everything has been more exciting, more fun, and full of laughs since I met her.
I think of the first night we met, the witty banter we shared. I think of her beautiful smile and contagious laugh, and the way she playfully nudges me when she’s teasing. I think of the way my body responds when she looks at me or touches me. I think of her confessions and her tears, the way she’s clung to me when she’s sad, and how she’s trusted me with the most vulnerable parts of herself.
I think of our morning coffee dates, our nights spent at Craft’s. I think of her dedication to her job and the way she challenges me, making me want to be a better man. I think of Paris… and the first time we had sex.
Jesus Christ, I love this woman so bloody much.
For the first time in my life, my fear of not having her is greater than any other fear I’ve ever had—the realization hits me like a ton of bricks—and what I want more than anything is her. I want her more than any one-night stand. I want her more than the freedom I’ve always enjoyed as a bachelor. I want her more than the safety and predictability of being single.
I imagine my life with Vivian, and it’s a stark contrast to the single-bachelor existence I’ve always envisioned. Instead, I picture Vivian in my home, in my bed. I envision her greeting me with a kiss after a long day, our vacations together, family dinners… maybe even starting a family of our own. The cool air stings my eyes, and they begin to glisten. My vision blurs as a profound sense of calm washes over me.
What I need to do is show her that I’m committed to being there, supporting her, and growing together, one day at a time. It’s not just about her trusting me to move forward; I need to trust her too.
I slow to a walk, catching my breath as my heart races. I pull up my Delta app and check flights to Salt Lake City. There are no flights after 7:30 PM on Friday, and my last lecture ends at 7:00. I check Saturday and find an early flight that arrives around 10:30 AM. I book it, not having a solid plan yet but hoping I can come up with one in the next few days.
I’m unsure about what the future holds or if I can ever commit to marriage, but I can commit to being with Vivian, to staying loyal to her. I hope that will be enough because I fucking miss her. I’ll do anything to get her back. She makes me happy… I love her.
I text Sarah again, knowing I’ll need her help if I have any hope of another chance with Vivian.